Well crap, I’m still sick. I promise one day I’ll get better and talk about something else. But when you’re sick, it consumes your thoughts. At least it does mine. Mostly I’ve been concerned about tomorrow because I’m supposed to work all day. Like from the buttcrack of dawn until after midnight. And whereas I’m not concerned about the work itself, I am concerned about being able to be fully present. I want to do a good job. I want to have a fun day. I want to feel good.
Dear lord, I’m ready for a miracle.
Alas, what I want and what the lord wants are often two different things. (Ain’t that the truth, Ruth?) I wanted to wake up feeling better today, but I didn’t. That being said, once I got up and around, things went all right. This afternoon my mom and I went grocery shopping, then I went to see my chiropractor, then I bought a pair of tennis shoes. Then I came home, ate dinner (thanks, Mom and Dad), did laundry, and packed a healthy lunch and snacks for tomorrow. That is one “good” thing about being sick–I’m all the more conscious about what I eat. Granted, my eating well never dramatically improvs my sinus infections, but it does help me feel better in general.
At this point, I’ll take what I can get.
Whenever someone faces a chronic problem, I think they inevitably have to wrestle with worthiness. What I mean is that I think we often settle for whatever shitty thing is happening in our lives because we don’t believe we are worthy of better–better health, better finances, better relationships. We grow up being asked, “Who do you think you are?” like all we deserve is what’s left over, which–let’s face it–is usually crap. But I like Oprah’s answer to that question–“I’m a child of God.” I don’t think that means we should all be millionaires, but I do think it means we should raise our standards.
There’s this funny thing about taking what you can get. On the one hand, acceptance is a thing. That is, if you’re sick or broke or in a terrible relationship, you have to accept it first. In terms of my present condition, it’s my job to make peace with the fact that sinus infections are my longterm and current struggle. No amount of whining will change this. But just because you accept something doesn’t mean you have to accept it forever. Said another say, it doesn’t mean you can’t hope for and work toward something better. I know that daily I’m racking my brain in order to find an answer to these infections. I’m approaching them physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Because I do think I’m worthy of feeling good on a daily basis.
Even if they don’t go away, these infections have become my teacher. For one thing, I’ve learned a lot about my body, a lot about healing. For another, I’ve learned a lot about patience, about being in the moment. For example, when I’m sick, the worst parts of my day are normally when I go to bed and when I first wake up. That’s when I hack and cough up all sorts of colorful junk. Historically, I’ve let that colorful junk set the tone for my day. If the junk is gross, for the rest of the day I constantly remind myself how sick I am. But the truth is the majority of my day is bearable. I cough a little. I’m a little low on energy. It’s not awful in reality, just in my head.
As I’m thinking about it now, I’m reminded that–somehow–I’ve made it through the last two weeks. I’ve gotten up, gone to work, run errands, whatever. I’ve made tomorrow out to be a big damn deal because it’s a longer day than normal, but I’ll make it–I know I will–the same way I’ve made it the last two weeks. The same way we all get through life. Day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"We all have inner wisdom. We all have true north."
