Yesterday I started reading The Tools: Transform Your Problems into Courage, Confidence, and Creativity by Phil Stutz and Barry Michaels, a self-help book (surprise) that’s turning out to be one of the most delightful reads I’ve picked up in quite a while. Currently I’m about half-way through. And whereas a lot of self-help books suggest that the answer to your fears, anxiety, and low self-esteem is understanding where they came from (duh–it’s your parents’ fault), the authors of The Tools say that such information by itself doesn’t provide dramatic change. Rather, in order to get the results we all want, we need a set of actions or behaviors to which we can turn whenever stress rears its ugly head.

In other words, we don’t just need to THINK something, we also need to DO something.

We’ve all had the experience of having a bad day, ruminating on negative thoughts, or being overwhelmed by emotions and not knowing how to turn things around. Stutz and Michaels call this state of being “the maze” (because it’s easy to get stuck there), and what I like about their book is that it offers definite ways to get out of it. The caveat, of course, is that you have to practice the suggested methods. You can’t just try them once or twice and expect your life to immediately turn around (bright eyes).

“Turn around, Bright Eyes” is a song lyric, Mom.

That being said, I’ve been toying around with one of their suggestions–the reversal of desire–today and have already noticed a difference. As I understand it, the reversal of desire essentially has to do with fear. That is, we all have certain things we would like to happen in our lives, but often don’t take action to make those things happen because doing so is uncomfortable–or outside our Comfort Zone. The authors put it more bluntly–between everything you have and everything you want is a certain amount of PAIN, and that’s what you’re afraid of experiencing (like, the pain of being rejected). But pain, they say, is the doorway to your desires, so rather than working so hard to avoid it, we could just as easily say, “BRING IT ON.”

I know this sounds twisted, but stick with me.

This afternoon I knew I “needed” to pay bills, an activity that typically induces a certain amount of anxiety for me. But rather than doing something else and AVOIDING the activity (and thus producing an immediate sense of relief), I told myself, I’m not afraid of a little anxiety–bring it on. Well–there must be something about WELCOMING YOUR FEELINGS–because I actually experienced significantly less anxiety while paying my bills today than I normally do.

On a roll, I applied this same strategy to some other paperwork I’ve been putting off–something I’ve known would take me a long time to complete. For over a year I’ve been thinking, It’s more than I can handle. But today I told myself, I’m not afraid of a little panic–bring it on. And whereas I still felt overwhelmed as I began this project, I nonetheless started it and got about ten percent done, which is ten percent more than I’ve had done for the last twelve months.

Another exercise Stutz and Michaels offer is to imagine your shadow. (Picture a situation in which you feel totally insecure and visualize all your feelings as having a physical body and face.) When I did this exercise, I immediately saw myself as an awkward prepubescent wearing elastic-band shorts with all my ribs showing and my butt being as big as a bowling ball. (It’s still as big as a bowling ball, but the rest of me has grown into it.) Then I saw myself in a number of “dorky” family photos that–until today–I would have done ANYTHING to have destroyed forever. These embarrassing self-images apparently came up because one way of describing your shadow is that it’s all the parts of yourself that you’re ashamed of.

But–

The good news is that–according to the book–your shadow is also fearless, and you can therefore visualize it standing beside you whenever you’re scared shitless. For me, this makes sense. I think about that awkward kid, and whereas even now I’m embarrassed of some of the things he did, said, and wore, HE didn’t give a single fuck. He had all the courage and bravery in the world. (It would take all the courage and bravery in the world to wear THOSE shorts.) But seriously–he simply wanted to express himself–and he did.

We all want to express ourselves.

I tried this visualization earlier when I went for a run, and it was really beautiful. I thought about that brave kid running with me–in THAT outfit–and felt freer and more energetic than I have in a long time. And get this shit. I smiled at strangers–people I’d normally be afraid of. Someone waved in my direction, and even though I thought they were probably waving at someone behind me, I waved back. It felt good to be friendly. When I noticed my socks didn’t match, I started to worry. What will people think? But then I thought about that kid again and remembered that both of us are MUCH MORE than our outfits.

Besides, ANYONE can wear socks that match.