This afternoon I saw my chiropractor who works with emotions and their effect on the physical body, and we ended up talking about the fire that burned my family’s home down (and killed nine people, albeit none of them were my family or friends, in the process) when I was four. Now, I didn’t walk into my chiropractor’s office WANTING to talk about the fire. Indeed, I rarely if ever WANT to talk about the fire. For one thing, it was thirty-five years ago. It’s like, way, way over. For another, I HAVE talked about it–with my chiropractor, my therapist, hell, with the internet. Frankly, I’d rather talk about boys. Or chocolate cake.
No, I’d rather EAT chocolate cake.
Yes, that’s it. I’d rather eat chocolate cake than talk about the fire.
Alas, I’m finding out that just because an event is over in reality doesn’t mean it’s over in your body. Likewise, just because you’d rather talk about something else doesn’t mean your EMOTIONS would rather talk about something else. Or eat chocolate cake.
I’ll explain.
The process my chiropractor uses involves my picking a subject (physical or emotional) that I DO want to talk about. Then–often but not always–he helps me find two emotions (one positive, one negative) that are related to that subject. From there, we work our way backwards. “When was the first time you remember feeling these feelings?” he asks. For example, the thing I DID want to discuss today was my sinuses. (I’ve been fighting an infection for three weeks. Sadly, this infection is the 102nd sinus infection I’ve had since being born. And yes, that’s an approximation.) Anyway, the emotions that came up were adore (positive) and vulnerable (negative). Thinking about how vulnerable sinus infections make me feel (because when I’m sick I can’t work, can’t provide for myself, and can’t pay for all the shit I try in order to get better), I said, “Yep, that’s the right descriptor. It’s like my body is undependable. Like I’m exposed.”
Tracing these feelings back, I landed at the fire. Well, wait. With the word “adore” I landed just before the fire, since adoration is what I felt for our newly renovated and moved-into home. They say you don’t remember much when you’re a kid, but I remember SO MUCH about that time in my life, those six weeks before everything changed. My room on the second floor. My own bathroom and the Batman towels that hung on the rack. Our toy room on the third floor, and the laundry chute that went down to the first. Finger painting in the kitchen. Playing hide-and-seek in the closets. Pitching one of those cheap plastic tents in the hallway. Having our friends Tom and Jean over and Jean washing the dishes with only a cup of water (she was a missionary).
The unfinished stairs.
My chiropractor said the fire was “a turning point,” that although my life had challenges BEFORE the that night in 1985, my worldview as a four-year-old would have sounded something like, “I can expect good things. Life is a bowl of cherries.”
“But after the fire–” he said.
“After the fire,” I said, “my conclusion was, ‘If you fall in love with something (or someone), you can expect it to leave you. Life is a bowl of pits.'”
Pointing out that not only did my family lose our home that night but that we also lost our business (my dad’s store was on the second floor, and our home was below, behind, and above it), my chiropractor said my conclusions were completely logical ones for a child to make. Also, he said that given my age and the fact that I was most likely overwhelmed by all that went on (you think?), it would make sense for “that little boy” to 1) not know how to express his fears and emotions, 2) feel that they weren’t important or urgent enough to be heard even if he knew how, and 3) consequently shove them down. Er, shove them up (into his head/my head).
Coughing, I said, “That would make sense.”
A turning point.
I wish I could tell you that everything my chiropractor did today (he has a whole process that involves clearing or reprocessing old emotions) both healed my sinus infection and made me feel safe in the world. Alas, things are rarely this simple. “Think of the major traumas in your life like a root stem,” he said. “It’d be nice to pull it out all at once, but that really can’t be done because it’s so deep and so many other smaller roots have grown off of it. Thankfully, we can get at the smaller ones pretty easily. We can work a little at a time.”
Because I’m a writer, my chiropractor suggested writing about all this, which I’m doing now. Unfortunately, I haven’t had a major breakthrough. Again, it’s the root stem thing. What I can say, however, is that I’ve had some little breakthroughs. Pulled up a few smaller roots. Specifically, I’ve recognized and felt some feelings. Not just the “I’m vulnerable ones” but also the “I adore my life” ones. This is something I’ve never really done before today, really owned who I was and what I was like pre-trauma. I’ve only focused on The After. What I mean is that I’ve known for a long time that I lost a lot of stuff in the fire, I just never stopped to fully label those losses. My sense of security. My playfulness. My belief that things will work out.
I hope I don’t sound hopeless. I certainly don’t feel hopeless. Rather, I feel hopeful. Hopeful that it’s possible to feel secure again. Even in a world where fires burn up Batman towels and feelings of adoration. Hopeful that it’s possible to feel playful and trusting again. To feel at home both in my body and on this planet. Hopeful that I can finish building this house–the one where my heart resides–and live here a while at ease. That there will be another turning point.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Even if you can't be anything you want to be, you can absolutely be who you were meant to be. Don't let anyone else tell you differently.
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