The Seeds from Which Your Strength Tree Grows (Blog #1013)

It’s 1:50 in the morning, and I can’t stop coughing. Today I told a friend I’d been struggling with sinus stuff, and they said, “You and everyone one else.” So that’s nice to know. I’m part of a group. Gosh, it feels good to be included. But seriously, I’ve had so many upper respiratory problems over the years, it’s easy to forget that I’m not the only one, that other people catch things too. That things go around here on planet earth. But remembering that we’re all in this sickness thing together–I guess–makes it more bearable. What’s the saying? Misery loves company.

Excuse me while I hack up a lung.

The good news is that I typically don’t cough much during the day, just at night while I’m trying to blog or sleep. But take this afternoon, for example. I was able to work on framing my vintage brooches for several hours nonstop. And whereas when I first started this project things went pretty quickly because I was permanently fastening (glueing) the brooches to the backboards (old book covers), things are taking longer now because I’m non-permanently attaching (hanging) the brooches on the backboards so that, in addition to being able to display them on a wall, I can also display them on my body.

Yowza, yowza.

Here’s one I finished today.

The most difficult part about this entire process is hanging the brooch where I think it’s most aesthetically pleasing. In this particular case, the middle. And since THAT involves drilling holes in the backboard, well, I’ve really only got one shot to get it right. Now, I’ve found ways to allow myself a little wiggle room, but it’s only a little. So this is where my Inner Perfectionist comes in handy, since he helps me get the details right. And when things aren’t EXACTLY perfect? Well, then, I have to tell him to shut up. Because projects like these are meant to be fun, not self-tortuous.

One of the things I like about framing vintage jewelry using old book covers is that it’s a way to not only be creative but also breath new life into forgotten objects. I love digging through a pile of used books and, upon seeing one with a lovely cover, thinking, You! How has no one noticed you before? I’ve got just the right frame and just the right piece of jewelry to put you with, and then–I promise–you’re going to shine. That’s the deal with creativity. You have to be able to look at something someone else would throw away and see gold.

My therapist has a saying–potential, not pathology. This phrase was recently brought up in the context or our going forward. That is, rather than focusing on what’s wrong, we’re going to be focusing on what’s right. Not that there’s anything wrong with focusing on what’s wrong. Sometimes you have to know what’s broken before you can fix it. But once you’ve focused on what’s wrong (I’ve been in therapy for almost six frickin’ years now), well then, it’s time to take your broken and scattered pieces and put them back together into something new, beautiful, and useful. It’s time to breathe new life into YOURSELF. It’s time to make YOURSELF shine.

This evening while I was working, my parents were watching The Batchelor, which means I was watching The Batchelor. Anyway, after one of the girls talked about her difficult childhood (I missed all the details, but someone important died), my dad the cynic said, “WHERE do they find all these people with their sob stories?!”

“It can’t be THAT hard,” I said. “Everybody’s got one.”

But seriously, don’t we? Lately I’ve been talking about how our challenges aren’t personal, and this is what I mean. When everyone you know or are related to has had someone die of cancer, or been in a terrible car accident, or been divorced, beaten up, cheat upon, or neglected, how can you claim that your problems are unique? Now, I’m not minimizing them. They are unique to you. And important for your journey. At the same time, I AM trying to take the sting out of them. I’m trying to get you out of victim mode (pathology) and into your power (potential) by helping you see that these things–these very shitty things–simply happen on planet earth. To everyone. Because this is the shit happens to you, and you, and you planet.

Why we signed up to come here, I’ll never know. I’m convinced, as a friend of mine says, we must have missed something in the fine print.

At one point while I was working today, my dad said, “You know, you mother and I don’t always get to see you actually doing the things you like doing [like dancing, writing]. But I’ve been watching you paint and drill and glue and and everything else this afternoon, and you look absolutely content.”

“Hum,” I said, “I am content. I really enjoy this.” That’s another thing about this planet. Despite the fact that some terrible things can and do happen (and that they can and do happen to you), it’s still possible to be content, to be happy. Even while you’re coughing up a lung, it’s still possible to find peace of mind. This is one of the gifts of doing The Hard Work, of looking at the most challenging and shitty events of your life and shifting your perspective about them in such a way that they become your greatest assets, the seeds from which your Strength Tree grows. Because that’s the deal, it’s not what happens to you, but what grows out of it. It’s how YOU grow out of it.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Sure, people change, but love doesn't."

On All the Pretty Things (Blog #986)

Today I’ve been thinking about power. Specifically I’ve been thinking about the fact that no physical object has any power whatsoever except for the power we give it. For example, recently I attended a show and noticed two (I’m assuming) homosexuals who were wearing rhinestone brooches, one on his sweater, the other on his jacket. Well, as someone who loves a good button, I thought this was absolutely fabulous. Really taking things to the next level. Seriously, having spent my entire life only seeing females wear brooches, I was mesmerized, not only by these men’s courage, but also by their creativity. I thought, You go. Fuck gender rules.

Getting back to the idea of power, I’d like to be clear–these men and their brooches were only enchanting to me because either on a conscious or unconscious level I decided they were special, unique, and attractive. That is, anyone else–maybe you–wouldn’t have even noticed. Or if you did you might have thought, That’s stupid, That’s gay, or I would never. All the while we would have been staring at the same shiny pieces of jewelry, which, by the way, can’t DO anything other than sit there and sparkle. This is what I mean by objects having no inherent power or value. Even if a hundred people or the entire world agreed–THESE are beautiful brooches–they’re just material objects.

This morning I saw my therapist and casually mentioned “the brooch-wearing homos” (my therapist and I aren’t politically correct with each other), and she said, “I used to have a male client who wore a different brooch with every outfit, and it was stunning.” Encouraged, and despite the above-stated facts about things just being things, after therapy I went brooch shopping. (Things I’d never thought I’d say.) Well, I ended up at an antique store with hundreds and hundreds of vintage and newly handcrafted brooches. And whereas I’ll spare you my feelings of overwhelm (how you women–and drag queens–afford all your accessories, I’ll never know), I will say that I ended up buying three brooches, one of which (a fleur-de-lis) I proudly wore for the rest of the day.

Again, although I went “right to” this particular pin, there have obviously been dozens if not hundreds of shoppers who thought nothing of it. I’m sure others picked it up and thought, I wouldn’t pay $14 for that! And yet I thought it was perfect–a steal–because it matches the fleur-de-lis on my favorite vintage sweater and includes my favorite color, blue. But is it INNATELY beautiful and stunning?

Only because I think it is.

Only because I’ve given it power.

Having sold most of my worldly possessions at an estate sale, I’m highly aware that simply because I value something doesn’t mean anyone else does. Oh my god, I had antique chairs I paid over a hundred dollars for that sold for twenty. Fuck it, I eventually thought. It’s only stuff. It’s only money.

What I learned from my estate sale is that, although I occasionally miss some of what I sold, I didn’t and don’t NEED any of it. I look around my room now at what’s left and what I’ve acquired since, and I don’t need any of it either. Sure, it’s nice to have a comfortable bed, warm clothes, and plenty of books to read. I love my framed artwork, my magnet collection, and my three brooches. I think they’re pretty, fun. But do I require these object to be happy, to live a full life?

Let me be clear–I do not.

Now, don’t go getting the idea that I’m a monk who’s taken a vow of poverty. Picture that! A brooch-wearing monk. No, I clearly enjoy pretty things and shiny objects. Several weeks ago I lost one of my favorite rings, and tonight while I was rearranging my jewelry tray to accommodate my brooches spent over half an hour trying to remember where I lost it (to no avail). So even though I’m clear that my ring (which obviously isn’t mine anymore, if it ever was) only has meaning because I think it does, I still find it hard to let go. This is the thing with letting go. Sometimes you have to do it over and over again. As Madonna so rightly stated, we are living in a material world.

It’s easy to get attached.

This evening I returned an item of clothing that was too small to TJ Maxx and some lightbulbs that were too bright to Walmart. Oh my gosh, y’all, you should have seen these places. They were jam-packed with Christmas shoppers. And whereas–sure–I got caught up in both places looking at “all the pretty things,” I also realized the ridiculousness of it all. What I mean is that most of us THINK we need more stuff when we have SO MUCH already. We rush around, we push people over, and we buy, buy, buy. But standing there in the midst of it all, I thought, The stuff’s not making us buy it, we’re doing that. We’re breaking our backs to have things that will end up at consignment shops when we die. (Your mother’s antique brooch will end up on a forty-year-old gay man.) Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that even though I was surrounded by a warehouse full of shiny objects, I didn’t NEED any of it–to feel love in my heart, to be kind to another, to feel good about myself.

Said succinctly, things can’t make you feel good about you. Only you have that power.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"The heart sings for its own reasons."