It’s one in the morning, and I technically started blogging almost two hours ago. That is, I inserted the above picture then quickly got distracted by YouTube videos about Walt Disney. Last night I watched a Netflix movie about him, and at the end of the film he’s quoted as saying, “You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” So that’s where the distraction started–I wanted to see if he actually said it (he did).

Since one thing led to another, I now know more about Walt (he preferred first names) and Disney World than I ever wanted to. Like cast members (their term for employees) have to use two fingers or their whole hand to point, since using only one finger to point is considered rude in some countries. And some of their restaurants have machines that pump the smell of tasty food out into the streets in order to lure customers in and buy, say, cinnamon rolls.

Well, shit. Now I’m hungry.

Anyway, this is how I’ve been distracting myself the last twenty-four hours, with movies and YouTube videos. Before I went to bed last night I took my temperature, and it was 101. It was back to normal this morning, but I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with the flu here. Again. Potentially a less dramatic strain than last time (just a few weeks ago), since my body hasn’t been too achy. Still, I’m full of mucus, my energy is shot, and my neck is stiff as a board. I spoke to my therapist today in order to confirm my next appointment and told her I was seriously sick and tired of this nonsense. She said, “As well you should be.”

Earlier today I re-watched the movie What About Bob? If you haven’t watched it, you should. It’s about a germaphobe named Bob who gets a new therapist then immediately cons his way into being part of the therapist’s family vacation. The therapist keeps saying, “This is not appropriate,” and “The therapist-patient relationship is built on trust, and you destroy that when you lie to me.” But Bob can’t help himself. Despite his therapist’s objections and–much like a nasty flu virus–he keeps coming back.

This afternoon I got the results of my latest bloodwork. I’m clearly not a doctor, but I think they were good. Not a single thing that was tested was out of range. On one hand, I guess it’s nice to know that I’m “normal.” Nothing appears to be glaringly wrong. But on the other hand, I was kind of hoping for something–anything–to be out of range, since I’d like an explanation for why I’ve felt so bad for so long. Again, I don’t know what the numbers mean. Recently my B12 levels tested as in range, and later my doctor said that they were actually low for someone my age. So it could be something like that.

Since my doctor has a patient portal system used to ask her questions, I sent her a message to find out more about the bloodwork. But, y’all, I’m starting to feel like Bob in What About Bob? When I logged into the patient portal system, it showed like eight messages I’ve sent since becoming a patient (eight weeks ago). Granted, I’m not knocking on my physician’s door but I feel like I’m becoming THAT guy. Part of me thinks I’m being a bother, but another part of me thinks, I’m dying over here–it’s okay to ask for help (and I’ll be glad to stop when I freaking feel better.) So I keep sending messages, and they (the doctor and her nurse) keep replying.

In other news, Dad came home from the hospital today. I said yesterday that they’d put three stints in him, but apparently it was five. Three new ones and two to replace or “beef up” the two old ones. He said the last time he had stints put in, he came home feeling like a new man. Today he said, “I do not feel like a new man.” I think this means that they are still figuring things out, adjusting his medications, scheduling follow-up appointments. Another movie I watched today (that was about a Pakistani stand-up comedian who falls in love with a white girl) was called The Big Sick. (It was slow to start but surprisingly delightful.) Anyway, I’m thinking of using this phrase to refer to our household and this time in our lives–The Big Sick.

My therapist says that I’m too bitter to die young. “Only tender, precious people die young,” she says. “So don’t worry. Your time’s not up yet.” I’m not sure if any of this is true, but it does make me smile. It does give me hope. I guess Walt Disney worked for nine or ten years as a struggling animator before he came up with Mickey Mouse. Like, it was bad. He was broke. He couldn’t pay his employees. He got evicted from his apartment and his office. His dad told him to get “a real job.” I guess the lesson is that when life does kick you in the teeth, you’ve got to hold on. You’ve got to believe in yourself and even in life, the thing that’s doing the kicking. You’ve got to believe that things can turn around, that even difficult situations–perhaps only difficult situations–can turn you into something magnificent.