It’s one in the morning, and I’m tired and irritable. If it weren’t for this blog, I’d be in bed right now. Well, I am in bed right now, but I could be asleep. I can’t quite make sense of what I’m feeling (fuck feelings) but I know I’m over this day, ready to pass out. That being said, here I am. I just turned on the instrumental music I normally listen to while blogging, and it’s already starting to calm me down. There’s something about it. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, it’s this steady thing, something solid I can come back to.

Before I sat down to write, I thought I was only irritated about the play I saw this evening. In short, it went on for two and a half hours, and I never could figure out what it was about or how it connected to my (or the average person’s) life. Somewhat confused and frustrated, I got upset when the play was over and the author started talking about how the play was written and why certain things were done the way they were. Much like the play itself, they went on and on, even citing historical court cases. Y’all, I’m not TRYING to be a bitch, since I have mad props for anyone who is disciplined enough to write a play. But both during the play and while the author was talking, I kept thinking, WHY do I care?

Squirming in my seating hoping the whole thing would be over soon, I finally decided to leave. I thought, Why am I making myself miserable? I have two legs that work. So up I stood and went on my merry way. I never would have done this before all my years in therapy, been “rude” or “impolite” in the name of taking care of myself. I can’t tell you how satisfying it felt. It was liking leaving a bad relationship. I thought, Why didn’t I do this sooner? This is often my internal reaction to speaking up or doing what feels right to me, to being authentic.

Why didn’t I do this sooner?

Looking back over the last few days, I see now that there have been several things that have been bothering me–stressful conversations, inappropriate comments I let slide, financial concerns. Recently I turned someone down for a date, and it’s always this back-and-forth in my head. What do I say, what do I not say? When am I “nice,” when am I blunt? Did I make the right decision? My point is that it’s never just one thing. Sure, I was upset about the play tonight, but it probably became a bigger deal than it actually was because I’ve been letting a lot of little things build up lately. If I’d gone for a run last night to blow off steam or simply left this evening at intermission, we might not even be talking about it now.

I guess it’s normal to have things that get under your skin, tick you off. Disney calls them combustion points–things like having to wait in line, standing in the hot sun. Their marketing material says this is simply part of being human. One experience gives you a high, the next gives you a low. The key, they say, is to not let a combustion point (something irritating) become an explosion point. In other words, do something to cool yourself off. At Disney this might look like getting a Fast Pass in order to skip waiting in a long line. For me, more and more, it looks like not biting my tongue as often, not staying where I don’t want to stay as long, even getting some additional rest.

Earlier I said the music I listen to while blogging is steady, something solid I can come back to. But as I consider it now, the music is just a tool that helps me come back to something even steadier and more solid–me. I’m not saying I’m one-hundred percent steady and solid–far from it–but I’m convinced part of me is. I really believe we all have that part of us, a still small voice that doesn’t waiver, a voice that’s authentic, a voice that lets us know what’s best for us now, a voice that tells us when to walk in, when to walk out.