One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus (Blog #743)

This afternoon I worked on a puzzle that my sister and I started back in December. Alas, we didn’t get very far. We basically finished the border, the easy part. For months the puzzle has sat on our spare coffee table (that’s right, we have two coffee tables, suckahs!), and for months I’ve felt guilty about it. Another unfinished project. I guess it wasn’t time. But then today while I was listening to a podcast, it was. For over an hour I combed through hundreds of pieces and actually made some progress. Slowly but surely, a shape emerged.

Recently I heard a comedian–I can’t remember who–make fun of puzzles. He basically said, “They’re not that hard. They’re not even surprising. You’ve got a lid that SHOWS YOU how it’s supposed to turn out.” I thought about this today as I worked on my above-mentioned puzzle and periodically checked the lid to see where a piece went. No surprises here.

Earlier today I re-read more old blogs. Whenever I do this, I read ten at a time. I’m up to number 90 now. Part of me feels as if this project (both the blogging itself and the re-reading) is taking FOR-EV-ER, but obviously a lot can get done one day at a time, one (or ten) blogs at a time. This evening I went to the gym and spent thirty minutes on the elliptical, a machine I tolerate. And whereas it wasn’t “fun,” I made the time pass more quickly by thinking Just one more minute thirty times. My point–it helps to break things up into smaller pieces. You can seriously overwhelm yourself if you look at the big picture.

For over twenty years my dad and I have had this running joke about the song One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus (that’s all I’m asking from you). It started when Dad was in prison. I guess he and his friends used to sing it on Sundays. You can see how a tune like that could resonate with inmates–or anyone going through a tough time. Like, I’m not asking you to help me get through this entire damn year, Lord, just today.

Of course, if you get through today every day for a year, you’ve gotten through a year. (God, Marcus, you really are profound sometimes.) But seriously, we complicate things. Once, when I asked my friend Chelsea how to dance fast Lindy Hop, she said, “Dance Lindy Hop faster.” No shit–I paid for that advice. Later, I realized how correct it was. If you have solid technique, you can dance at any speed. If you don’t have solid technique, you’ll notice problems at high speeds, but the truth is you’re doing something wrong at slower speeds too. Bad technique is bad technique. Anyway, my point is that the answers we’re looking for are simple. Maybe not easy, but simple. How do you blog every day for a year? You blog every day for a year. How do you put together a thousand-piece puzzle?

One piece at a time.

One difference between a puzzle and a creative project, however, is the lid. That is, with any creative project–writing or dancing, for example–you often don’t know where you’re going or have a picture of the end product. When I started dancing twenty years ago, no one showed me a video of what I’d personally look like if I put in 10,000 hours. Likewise, when I started this blog two years ago, I may have had the goal to write every day, but I didn’t know what the actual results would be or how it would change me. I didn’t have a lid. I still don’t. And yet, slowly but surely, a shape has emerged.

I think it’s safe to say that nobody knows where they are going (except to bed, maybe). Nobody has the lid for their life. This means anything can happen. Surprise! When I started therapy, I had no idea of how I’d change. I simply felt compelled to explore the path. Five years later, here I am, still exploring, still surprised by the results. Joseph Campbell said, “Not all who hesitate are lost. The psyche had many secrets in reserve. And these are not disclosed unless required.” I love this quote. To me it means that when you’re working on a creative project or even yourself, you really have no idea what’s possible. We tell ourselves, I can’t do that or That could never happen, but the truth is that we don’t know until we try, until we keep showing up one day at a time, Sweet Jesus.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We're allowed to relabel and remake ourselves.

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We’ll Try Again (Blog #632)

I don’t know what to say about today. Things happened. Now I’m ready to go to bed. Blah.

Okay, I’ll try again.

This morning I got up early to ride with my dad and aunt halfway to Oklahoma City, where we dropped my aunt off with my aunt’s son (my cousin) and two of her three grandchildren. (She’s spending the holidays with them.) On the way there, I read a book; on the way back, I visited with my dad. When we got back to town, we ran a couple errands.

Since then, I’ve been at home organizing paperwork, doing laundry, and worrying about my health. Also, I’ve been working on a puzzle off and on. It’s slow going. Everything right now feels like it’s slow going. Slow going and overwhelming. One minute I feel like I can do this, the next minute I feel like I can’t. Earlier I went outside and looked at the stars. It’s been weeks since I’ve star-gazed, and I still don’t have a handle on the winter sky. The Northern Cross, which was overhead all last summer (and every summer), now dips below the western horizon well before midnight. Even this sent a streak of panic through me. I thought, Wait! Come back. I liked you.

This evening a friend came by to give me a Christmas present–a thousand piece puzzle that promises to be one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done–because it’s basically a mix of solid colors, and (get this shit) the colors change whenever you look at them from a different angle. I hope that makes sense. (Here’s a link to a similar puzzle if it doesn’t.) Anyway, my friend said, “When you’re working on it and get frustrated, just remember–I really do you like you.” Hum, I feel like there’s a lesson here. Recently someone said, “Consider the idea that you’re loved.” Like, by God, the universe, or life itself. So I’ve been trying to do this, to remember that just because I’m frustrated now, doesn’t mean the world is out to get me. Indeed, years from now I could look back on my current challenges and think, Absolutely necessary.

My puzzle friend, who’s had their fair-share of injuries and surgeries, suggested that I be as patient as possible with my body. “It may take longer than you want it to,” they said, “but one day you’ll wake up and think, This is what I used to feel like.” In the meantime, they suggested I be thankful for my body–because it’s doing the best it can. Even now, they reminded me, the muscles in both my legs are working hard to compensate for the damage we’ve sustained.

This is something I intend to do, to recognize where my body is knocking it out of the park. Because when I think about my injured knee, I think, Wait! Come back. I liked you. And yet in thirty-eight years, I’ve never told it, “Thank you. Thank you for letting me walk. Thank you for letting me dance.” Along these lines, I’m considering the idea that I’m loved not just by something “out there,” but by my own body, something “right here, right now.” That is, I have a body that serves me the best it can every day. Granted, it doesn’t always do what I want it to, but I don’t always do what it wants me to either. So good that we have this time to slow down. Maybe now we can learn to get along, learn to listen to and appreciate each other.

Okay, we’ll try again.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You really do belong here.

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