It’s just before eleven in the evening, and my parents’ house smells like potpourri because my dad just farted and sprayed something to cover it up. I’m not sure which smells worse–the fart or the spray. Last night a dog–either my parents’ or my aunt’s–shit on my futon, where I usually blog. I was having a bad day and had just dragged my laptop and pillows into the futon room to start writing, and there it was. It’s like the dog knew exactly where I prefer to sit and thought, Yep, this is the place. Fuck him. But that’s the deal when you’re having a bad day. Everything that goes wrong feels personal. As if the universe were a bully that not only wants your lunch money, but also is willing to hand deliver offensive smells and shitty situations to your doorstep if you don’t pay up.

Anyway.

The bad mood I had yesterday is better, although it’s lingered. Mostly, I’m tired and am looking forward to seeing my doctor in a couple weeks. It’s not that I’m sick-sick, I just don’t have a lot of pep in my step. Some days I drag ass from start to finish, and other days I feel super. But even then, I wear out easier than normal. By normal I mean before I got sick so bad a year ago. Shit, nothing’s been normal since then, and I guess that’s my frustration. I keep wanting to be on the other side of that entire ordeal, but–apparently–I’m not. It’s this weird thing, when you know you’re out of the woods, but you haven’t quite left its shadows.

I spent this afternoon working on my photo organizing project. I’m almost done. It’s strange, looking back at all those old photos. I know I had things I worried about back then, but they weren’t the same things I worry about now–my health, my finances. It’s like these concerns just show up one day, and then–bam–you’re stuck with them. But I really don’t believe it has to be that way. Earlier tonight I watched a positive thinking thing and was reminded that limiting beliefs like This will never get better or That might work for other people, but it won’t work for me are just thoughts, and thoughts CAN be changed.

I really have been working on this lately, acknowledging the fact that I have a lot of negative or limiting thoughts running around in my head and trying to do something about them. But usually when I try to “say affirmations” or “think the opposite,” it feels like I’m blowing a lot of smoke up my own ass. Saying everything is fine when it isn’t feels like–hum–spraying potpourri over a fart. So my approach recently has been to be gentler. That is, instead of saying everything is fine, I’ve simply been trying to relax more, to softly make room–even a little room–for something different or better to come along.

Often on this path of self-growth and healing, it feels as if I “should” be better at this positive thinking thing. I think, Why is abundance (in all its many forms) still such a hang-up for me? Well, it just is. For me, the idea of scarcity was planted a long time ago and has been practiced A LOT. But I’m telling myself that’s okay because in any moment, I can start over. In any moment, I can take a deep breath, think a new thought, and try again. This, I think, is one of life’s greatest graces, that we can turn our lives around gently and a little at a time, that we try, try again.