Last night I blogged with a headache. Talk about no fun. Then I watched Netflix and ate popcorn by the handful out of a five-gallon tin. Followed by three scoops of ice cream. Then I went to bed, still with a headache, but I guess it disappeared sometime during the night. Weird how problems can be so “in your face” then slowly and silently fade away like a ghost through a wall. I have about ten pounds I wish would do that. I know, the popcorn and ice cream aren’t helping that wish come true.

You don’t have to rub it in.

Today has been all right. (Yes, just all right.) Honestly, all my days are beginning to look the same. Eat a meal, do knee rehab (while watching Netflix), ice knee (while still watching Netflix), repeat. Today I did finish reading a book about business that I started before Christmas, but otherwise it’s been zoning out on Netflix and movies. Just today I finished the series Atypical (which I discussed last night), and watched the movies Dumplin’ (which is about the overweight daughter of a former beauty queen and made me cry) and The Shape of Water (which is about a woman who falls in love with a sea creature and was obviously weird but beautiful). Then I started back on Season 2 of Ozark, about a family in Missouri who’s laundering money for a Mexican drug cartel. It’s so good.

And stressful.

Honestly, I can’t wait to get back to the series. Not that I’m so wrapped up in it, although I guess I am. I just want to zone out, escape. For one thing, it’s cold and gloomy outside. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or whatever. For another, life’s been tough lately, and I’ve had enough. Normally I’d be up and on the go, distracting myself that way. But since I had knee surgery only a week ago today, going places isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do. Plus, every time I stand up, sit down, take a step, or do rehab, I’m reminded of what my body CAN’T do. I’m reminded of everything that hurts. And it’s frustrating as hell. Thus all the binge watching and pop corn and ice cream eating.

Shove those feelings down!

Despite my frustration, I do see progress. Standing up today hasn’t hurt nearly as bad as it has for the last week, and my knee is bending more. Like, earlier I draped it off the side of the couch, and a few days ago that would have been unthinkable, since its default position was “straight out” and I didn’t have enough muscle strength/control to get my foot to the floor without manually picking it up and putting it there. So that’s something. Things are improving. I’m not dancing the jitterbug, but hey, I’m BENDING.

The doctor said my goal was to bend my leg 90 degrees by the two-week mark, and I’m pretty much there now. (Go me.) But that’s it; I can’t go farther than 90. I just hit this point where all my muscles say, “Hell no, we won’t go.” The doctor said, “Don’t worry. You’re not going to pull anything loose.” Still, I can’t shake the feeling that something’s going to snap–bend and snap (that’s a musical reference, Mom). Whatever. I’m sure my muscles will come around sooner or later, so I’ll keep trying to bend, both physically and emotionally. Because that’s the difficult thing, zoning back in after you’ve zoned out, pushing yourself to do and be more than you have before, even if “being more” simply means being more patient with your body or being more gentle with your self-talk.

All things in good time, sweetheart.