Your Best Is Good Enough (Blog #852)

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This afternoon I saw my chiropractor, the one who works with the mental/emotional/energetic causes of physical problems. This continues to be a trip. Today was my third appointment, and the man’s gotten more done with me than a handful of other chiropractors have in six times the visits. For the longest time I’ve been constantly aware of tension in my neck. And whereas it’s still there, now there are days I don’t even think about it. This is progress. This is good progress. That being said, the guy’s methods are weird.

I say weird but I only mean they’re weird compared to most medical people’s methods. I’ve spent a lot of time in the alternative healing community, and I’ve seen some really strange shit. Compared to that stuff, my chiropractor’s methods are really quite benign. Today he used muscle testing to get at the underlying emotions behind my long-time struggle with sinus infections. The positive word that came up (the emotion I feel before a sinus infection) was RELIABLE. The negative emotion (during and after a sinus infection) was INADEQUATE. Phew. There’s a can of worms. The last two years, which have been full of medical tests (that have basically said I’m healthy as a horse), have been filled with my trying to decide whether or not me and my body are reliable or inadequate.

The jury’s still out.

In truth, inadequacy is a pervasive emotion for me. Recently I blogged about my feeling like not enough, and I suppose this is the same thing. There’s a scene in Mr. Holland’s Opus when a former student of Mr. Holland’s, now a grownup, is shutting down Mr. Holland’s music program due to budget cuts. He says, “We’re doing the best we can, Mr. Holland,” and Mr. Holland yells, “Your best is not good enough!” Both of these characters are firmly entrenched in my psyche, the part of me that says, “Dammit, I’m doing everything I know to do,” and the part that is always demanding more. You know, The Perfectionist. The Hard Ass.

The one who’s real fun at parties.

This afternoon I read Transforming Fate into Destiny: A New Dialogue with Your Soul by Robert Ohotto. It’s glorious. Read it and give it to all your friends for Christmas. But really. In a New Age/Self-Help culture that claims you can manifest or have whatever you want, this book is a breath of fresh air. Robert explains that, yes, we can create magnificent things in our lives. Each of us is more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. However, each of us also came into this life understanding that there would be certain limitations (or boundaries, I love a good boundary), so we have to work within those fated guidelines.

For example, no matter what I put on my vision board, I’m never going to be the first female President of the United States. (Crap.) Because I’m a man. Likewise, I’ll never be straight (sorry, ladies), be six-foot-two (dang), look or sing like Zac Efron (dang again), or have different parents. Because my sexuality, height, looks, and parents have already been decided. And so have yours.

So get over it.

Now, what I do with what’s already been decided, that’s a different story. As I understand it, if I do nothing but sit on the couch every day and eat bonbons, that’s my choice. However, in choosing to not be an active, conscious participant in my life, not only will I not mature, but I’ll also feel as if my life is out of my control. Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will run you life and you will call it fate.” Robert says, “If you don’t access direction from within, your life will be directed from without.” (Oh snap.) However, if I choose or anyone chooses to do The Hard Work and grow the eff up, well, now we’re cooking with gas. My therapist says her job is to support me in reaching my highest potential, and your highest potential is another way of talking about your destiny. What’s actually possible for YOU? Not that guy over there, but you. What, exactly, is inside you that’s eager, waiting, and willing to be born?

This, of course, is the million dollar question, and only the gods and your soul have the answer.

Also–fair warning–because all things worth having require sacrifice (of your time, talents, and ego), should you choose to pursue your highest potential, some days are really gonna suck.

I still recommend it.

Getting back to my chiropractor’s weird ways, I repeat, they’re only weird because they’re not conventional. It’s becoming more in vogue to discuss the mind-body-soul connection, but in my experience, it’s mostly lip service. I mean, when I get a headache, give me a Tylenol. And yet I know there’s more to it. This is what I’ve run into hundreds of times along The Path. This is what you’ll run into when reaching for your highest potential or working to transform your fate into destiny. You’ll know there’s more inside you that’s wanting to come out. But because your path is different from everyone else’s, it will feel weird, you’ll question it, and you’ll feel inadequate.

Keep going. You are not alone. Your best is good enough.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Everything is all right and okay.

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On Finding Your Way (Blog #808)

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Blah. Today has been–a day. Nothing fabulous has happened, nothing terrible has happened. This afternoon I exercised, watched four thirty-minute videos about pain, fascia, and healing, and packed up my stuff at my latest house sitting gig and came home. I took a nap. When I woke up I tried some foam rolling techniques the videos I watched suggested. I think they helped, but who knows? The healing journey can be so frustrating–trying a million different things, making a little progress here, a little progress there. Still, along The Way we learn.

For years I’ve imagined that if I ever found The Thing that worked in terms of healing, I’d shout it from the rooftops. Alas, whereas I’ve found several things that have been helpful, I’ve never found The Thing. I imagine this is because The Thing doesn’t exist. That is, what’s helpful for one person may not be helpful for another, and life doesn’t offer us panaceas. Rude, I know. Still, the silver lining is that panaceas don’t seem to required. The videos I watched this afternoon, which really were fabulous, promoted a program that costs between $500 and $900. Ugh. At that cost, who can AFFORD to heal? Thankfully, healing isn’t a lock that can only be opened by one key. At least in my experience, there’s more than one way to heal, more than one way to skin a cat.

Meow.

Lately one of my mental challenges has been trusting my path and not comparing it to someone else’s. I imagine comparison has always been a thing on planet earth, but what with social media and all, it seems to be an even bigger thing now. Unfortunately, comparing ourselves to others isn’t limited to the areas of looks and talents. Oh no, we even compare our mental, emotional, and physical well being against that of others. We think, They’re pain free, they have more peace than I do, they’re BETTER than I am. And then guess what? Whether or not those things are true (and how could you ever know that?), we’ve made ourselves inferior. We picture ourselves failures for, I don’t know, having a blah day or a pain in our back, even though we’re anything but.

Recently I read that everyone is on a different path and that sure, perhaps we all came from and are going to the same place eventually, but everything in between is a totally individual journey. As such, we each come to the the planet with a different set of looks, skills, challenges, and set of circumstances that is “right” for us and for us alone. Seen from this perspective, comparing ourselves is pointless. Why does someone else have a smaller nose, more money, and a better singing voice than you do? Because they need it for their journey. You don’t. Why are you better at math, decorating houses, and listening (it’s a skill) than someone else is? Because that’s what your path requires. Theirs doesn’t.

This is what I mean by trusting my path. It’s so easy for me to think that I need to be smarter, wiser, healthier in order to “succeed” or get to wherever I’m going–because people who are already “there” seem to be these things. Of course, this is an illusion, one I’m working on dispelling. I’m working on coming around to the idea that life fills your journey’s backpack with whatever it is you need, when you need it. I’m coming around to the idea that if I don’t yet have something, it’s not necessarily that life is keeping something from me, but rather that it’s not best for me, or best for me right now. This is difficult to do, to not only accept what comes along, but also to want what you have, to look in you journey’s backpack and say, “Okay, this is what I have to work with, and I’m going to make the best of it. I’m going to find My Way. I’m going to trust that this is enough, that I’m enough, to get me back home.”

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Love stands at the front door and says, “You don’t have to change a thing about yourself to come inside.”

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In Solitude (Blog #767)

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Earlier today I read that the spiritual life is, necessarily, a lonely one. For one thing, if you’re truly walking YOUR path, no one else is on it. Not that it doesn’t cross now and then with the paths of others, or even converge with theirs for a while, but the point remains. PERSONAL growth is not a GROUP endeavor. For another thing, when you explore your interior and choose daily (or at least weekly) to sit in and work through your thoughts and emotions, obviously nobody can crawl inside you and help you out with that. (If they could, that’d be weird.) Not that a good friend or therapist can’t witness parts of your journey, but they certainly can’t do The Hard Work for you. At the end of the day, you’re left with yourself–alone and sometimes lonely.

This is not the worst thing in the world, although there are days when it feels like it. Often, like today, I wish I had a partner or someone who could help pay the bills or shore me up whenever I feel emotionally spent. But even if I had such a person, they still couldn’t “work out my salvation” for me. I keep saying this, but this is only a job I can do for myself, only a job you can do for yourself. This (I think) is implied in Jesus’s admonition to “enter in by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter in by it.” That is, entering in by the narrow gate isn’t something you do with others, although following the crowd is always easier. No, it’s something you do in solitude.

Today itself was lovely. The particular details don’t matter to this conversation, but I exercised, saw some friends, and saw some family. And whereas one of my friends said, “What’s new in your life?” I didn’t have much of an answer. “Uh, my knee rehab is coming along,” I said. Because it’s awkward when someone asks you in casual conversation how you are to dive deep and say that what’s new in your life is your interior, the way you relate to yourself, the divine, and others. You can’t pull out your phone and show someone a picture of your emotional guts the way you would if you’d been to Disneyland. (If you could, that’d be weird.) Plus, inner transformation isn’t something most people talk or get excited about. And yet, you know, dear reader, that personal insights and points of growth are exciting–at least for the person who experiences them.

I know they’re exciting for me, and I’d like to talk about them more.

Maybe this sounds like an odd thing to say, considering I basically spill my insides all over the internet (or at least this website) every day, every damn day. But the truth is there are a lot of things I DON’T talk about here, either because they’re too personal or it wouldn’t be appropriate to do so. Plus, there’s an idea in spiritual circles regarding silence. Indeed, many spiritual initiates take a vow of silence. Like, keep your mouth shut, junior. I don’t know fully why. Because most people aren’t interested. Because when you talk about the deepest parts of yourself the way you gossip about celebrities, it cheapens that which is truly beyond value. Because The Path is profoundly personal and isn’t meant to be advertised–it’s meant to be walked.

It’s meant to be walked alone.

So now we’re back to loneliness.

Three of the four gospels say that Simon of Cyrene carried Jesus’s cross for him. Only John says Jesus carried it himself. And whereas I’m not here to debate the apparent contradiction in the gospels or even the veracity of the story itself, I personally think John got it right. Because when Jesus was in the garden praying, he was alone. Even his closest disciples couldn’t hang with him–they fell asleep. Because he faced the devil in the desert alone. Because he walked on water alone. Why wouldn’t he carry his cross alone? That cross had his name on it. It was HIS cross to carry. Think of the thing in your life that was absolute hell to go through but that absolutely changed the direction of your life (for better or for worse). Could anyone else have even tried to carry that cross for you? (No.) This, I believe, is one of the symbolic meanings of the cross. Our burdens (our challenges), if we are willing to bear them, to surrender ourselves to them and even crucify ourselves upon them, can ultimately transform us.

Only you are with you your entire life. You might as well get to know yourself.

I realize all of may not be encouraging. Sign up for The Hard Work–it’s tough, excruciating even, often lonely, and you won’t really have anyone to talk to about it. Still, it’s as honest as I know how to be. And despite the fact that I’m highlighting an inevitable challenge of personal growth–loneliness and solitude–I highly recommend The Path. Because ultimately you’re alone anyway. That is, only you are with you your entire life. Only you can think your thoughts and feel your emotions. Maybe you can try to share them with others (like I am now), but they are yours first and foremost, and sharing them doesn’t change the fact that it’s your job (or mine) to deal with them. Nobody else could even if they wanted to. (They don’t, by the way, they’ve got their own to deal with.) Yes, you might as well get to know yourself–difficult feelings and all–because, at the end of the of the day, you’re it.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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A break is no small thing to give yourself.

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