These Hundreds of Thousands of Words (Blog #1094)

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Phew. All day I’ve been tired, sad. And whereas I could blame lack of sleep and a number of other things, the fact is I’ve already begun to grieve the loss of this blog. Including tonight, I only have three more posts to go. I don’t know. It’s weird. Just like when a person dies you go through all those stages–denial, anger, grief, acceptance, bargaining–I’m going through those with this. Denial because, has it really been three years? Anger because of what hasn’t happened, hopes and expectations that haven’t been met. Ugh. All the feelings. The good news being that, so much more than three years ago, I’m open to all the feelings and what they have to teach me. Sweetheart, letting go is never easy.

At times throughout this process I’ve imagined that I’d, I guess, somehow be perfectly healed, or just perfect, on the other side of this thing. And that one of my final posts would be like, here’s how I did it. And how you can too for three easy payments of $127. Alas, if anyone ever pitches you such a deal, run don’t walk away. Because the fact is that no matter what a person learns, they are always and forever still growing. Still a work in progress. As much as people like me may hate it, there is no perfect to get to. If it does exist, perfection is like the casserole I made for dinner tonight. A little bit of everything. One big delicious mess.

With cheese.

This being said, I would like to take this blog as an opportunity to “sum up” what I’ve learned or how I’ve grown as a direct result of this project. My idea being that, although I despise numbered lists and bulleted sub-headings, I’ll go through my blog “categories” one by one and write a few sentences or paragraphs about each one. As these categories became self-evident early on and new ones haven’t been added in maybe a year and a half, I’ve come to see them as themes, or what this time in my life has been all about. The lessons I’ve been learning and doing my best to embody.

So here we go. I’m just going to shoot from the hip. And I’ll try to be brief. (Yeah right, Marcus.)

1. Abundance

Ugh. Does this have to be the first one? This has been a toughy for me, since, as a result of my traumas, I grew up believing that if you love something, just wait, it’ll be taken away from you. And yet my therapist, who has a real hard on for abundance, has shoved it down my throat. Yes, things leave, but other things come around. Thankfully, I have made progress. For one thing, money isn’t terrifying to me anymore. Even though I don’t have much of it. Although now I imagine if I did I wouldn’t be scared of it. It’s just paper. The most important thing being, however, that I really do believe deep down that I’ve been given an abundance of talent, love, help, knowledge, wisdom, and resources (both internal and external) with which to make my way through life. Creatively, I’ve been given an abundance of ideas. This is what counts. I know it’s rough when your bank account is strapped, but don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

2. Affirmations

A lot of self-help books are huge on affirmations, looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m beautiful, rich, and forgiving.” Or whatever. And whereas I’ve tried this shit more times than I care to admit, it hasn’t been what’s worked for me. Instead, the affirmations that have turned my life around, rather than being forced into me, have come out of me. That’s what this blog has been about. Sweetheart, be patient. I’m here for you. So if you like the idea of affirmations, go for it. But don’t open a book to find them. Open your heart.

3. Archetypes and Personalities

More and more I see the world through the lenses of “we’re all different” and “we’re all the same.” And whereas I don’t subscribe to one particular personality system, it’s helped me to be able to label people with archetypes (diva, drama queen, addict, pimp), since it allows me to get impersonal about their behavior. Or even mine. (Of course I’m worried about my outfit; I’m an artist!) Additionally, the more personality systems I study, the more I realize that every archetype and personality type is not only neutral (although it can be animated positively or negatively), but also necessary. God knows we don’t need everyone to an anal-retentive control freak. But God also knows the world would be a much sloppier place without those of us who are. (Wash your damn hands.)

4. Authenticity

This is a buzz word these days, and one my therapist actually dislikes because it’s so “hip.” To me it equates to being honest, even and especially if that honesty looks like anger, sadness, or confusion. You know, the emotions we hide behind our masks. Alas, it doesn’t seem to be something we can achieve every minute of every day (certain niceties are required in a polite society), but it is something we can strive toward. Being real. Being ourselves. My only other thought about it is that I’ve often been as surprised as anyone else when I’ve been able to be assertive or–here’s another word my therapist hates–vulnerable. Like when I cry in public or admit my faults (which, I agree with my therapist, isn’t being vulnerable, it’s being honest). Meaning we often don’t know what our authentic selves look like until they reveal themselves to us.

5. Balance

Is required and looks different for everyone. How do you know you’re out of balance in any area of your life? Your body will tell you. Learn to listen to its subtle and not-so-subtle messages. Additionally, pay attention to your relationships. If they’re full of drama, contention, or anything but an underlying peace, something is out of whack. Chances are you’ll never be able to hold the center point forever, so just keep your eyes on the middle. The rest will take care of itself.

6. Boundaries

My therapist calls boundaries the Holy Grail of personal growth. And whereas I used to think I had them, I realized I didn’t. Pro tip: if you can’t say no or if you tell the most personal details of your life to complete strangers (or vice versa), you don’t either. So get some. Learn to not only say no, but hell no. Figure out what you’re worth and don’t settle for less. Get in touch with your soul, do whatever it says, and never, under any circumstances, sell it. For one thing, it’s not yours to sell. For another, you’ll always regret it. How do you do these things? By learning to say no, hell no. And don’t worry if you “mess up.” Life will, without a doubt, give you another opportunity to excel. As with all things, having good boundaries is a process.

7. Coco’s Favorites

These blogs are my personal favorites. Many are already tagged as such, but I’ll be adding others as I work my way through reading all my old posts.

8. Creativity

People say they’re not creative, but I’m convinced we all are, even if it’s just in the way we make up a story about how we’re not creative, or what someone did that ruined our lives, or how awful things are (when they’re really not). Of course, creativity is better expressed through writing, dancing, knitting, planting, decorating, or whatever, and I’m certain our souls MUST, somehow, expand themselves through creating. So first stop and notice WHAT you’re creating (dinner, drama, dissent), then think about what you’d LIKE to be creating (an encouraging environment, a business, a hilarious blog). Then CHOOSE something different.

9. Dancing

Is good for a hundred reasons. Do it. Even if you don’t like it, consider that you were made to move. Some way, somehow. Your very heart BEATS. Tune into the rhythm of your life. If you ARE willing to give dancing a try, remember what my mentor Maggie tells her students. “Let dancing love you.” If not dancing, then let something, someone. Please, open your heart.

10. Dream Interpretation

I wish I were a master at this or had some of the experiences the people who write all those books about dreams do. Lucid dreaming, predicting the future, and whatnot. I don’t know, my therapist says I have the “most auspicious dreams,” so maybe it’s just easy to think someone else’s life is better or more fabulous than yours. Regardless, I do believe our subconscious/inner wisdom speaks to us a thousand different ways. Through dreams, synchronicities, hunches, bodily sensations, feelings, emotions, and even thoughts. So it’s whatever floats your boat, whatever you’re willing to listen to. Just know that it’s not all as random as it seems. Know that you can trust yourself. You’re wiser than you realize.

11. Emotions

Are not something you primarily think about. They’re something you primarily feel. Also, I hate to break it to you, they’re not something that go away when you shove them down. Like, they just hang out in the shadows. In your shadow. And whereas I wish I had a surefire way for coaxing them out, I’ve learned they come up when they’re ready. The best thing we can do is to listen. Be curious. Love, or at least make space for, whatever arises. Including frustration, anger, grief, sadness, and anything else that gives you snot bubbles. Because that’s your inner wisdom talking. For example, anger often means “get some damn boundaries.” (See above.)

12. Encouragement

Whatever you’re going through, I promise you’re not alone. Yes, your situation is unique to you and is your cross to bear, but it’s not the first time it’s ever happened. In Alcoholics Anonymous they say, “You’re only as sick as you are isolated.” Meaning that a burden is automatically lifted when you stop trying to carry it yourself. So please know that people love you and are rooting for you. Granted, they don’t always know what to say, but I guarantee there are people who would take a bullet for you in a heartbeat. People who will cry at your funeral and feel that something important, something they liked, is missing from their lives when you’re gone.

13. Facebook Live

This is where I’ve put the few live videos I’ve done and where I’ve read, out loud, other stories I’ve written. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll do at least one more when this is over.

14. Gratitude

Is often something those self-help books try to force. Don’t worry, be happy. Alas, I’ve found that gratitude, like an affirmation, works best when it springs naturally from the heart. A humbling voice, it says, “Sweetheart, you have everything you could ever need and more.” What’s more, I’m convinced this voice is always there, available even when we are most down. It says, “Life sucks, but we’ve been given this breath, and with this breath we will make it to our next. Or make it home.” So again, listen to your heart. (Not your head.)

15. Growing Up

Involves letting go of the need to blame, being your own parent most of the time, taking responsibility for your life and choices, and sucks. But is absolutely necessary. Also, it’s natural. Stop fighting it.

16. Hope

As stated in The Shawshank Redemption, “is a good thing, maybe the best of things.” So please, please, please allow as much room as is humanly or even divinely possible that even your most challenging circumstance can turn around for the better. On a dime if heaven so sees fit. Along these lines, pray for miracles and expect them to show up.

17. Improv Comedy

Is worth trying or at least taking note of. Because, like life, it requires that you think on your feet, play well with others, and not look back. Audiences may not be forgiving, but improv teaches you to be. So what if the show didn’t go well? It’s over. (Everything in your life is over.) Why is this a good thing? Because now we can play another game.

18. Letting Go

Is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Because we like what we like and we want it last. Our relationships, our stuff, our identities, our stories and judgments about ourselves and others. Our blogs. But nothing lasts. We don’t get to keep a thing. So work on enjoying whatever it is while it’s here, then letting it go. The way the sun sets, the way a storm ceases. With grace.

19. Myths and Fairy Tales

Aren’t just cute little stories. Rather, within them are embedded the mysteries of life, our personalities, and our struggles. Best thing I ever heard on this topic was that your three favorite movies reveal the path your life is on, and I believe this more and more. Recently through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) I realized one of my favorite movie characters (for almost twenty years now) was not only hung up on integrity (like I am) but was also embarrassed by his station in life (like I used to be). The idea being that you’re drawn to these characters and their stories for a reason. Your inner wisdom is nudging you forward, giving you a template for what’s possible. Be willing to take the trip.

20. Patience

Is almost harder than letting go. But is one of the most useful traits you could ever hope to develop. Because although the universe is capable of turning on a dime, it rarely does. What’s more, it rarely does what you want it to, when you want it to. Pro tip: the less you insist on having everything your way, the more patient you’ll be. So, in the words of Nancy Byrd Turner, “learn to labor and to wait.” Give yourself the gift of time. To grow. To heal. Nature does not proceed in leaps, and neither do we.

21. Perspective

If I could give everyone one gift, it would be the gift of perspective, the gift of being able to perceive whatever it is thats bothering you (including yourself) in a different way. Alas, since I can’t, go see a therapist. This is what they get paid for. But seriously, what if you could put on a pair of mystical glasses that allowed you to see everything in your life, even the rotten stuff, as heaven’s gift to you? What if you could turn your viewpoint upside down and really see that there’s nothing in your life by accident and that–if it’s there–it’s there for a reason? To challenge you, to grow you, to change you, and maybe even the world, for the better? What if you could look at the mountain you’re facing and, rather than asking God to remove it, absolutely know you were meant to climb it? And then put your boots on. This is my encouragement. Pick up a book, go to church, or bang your head against the wall, not until your circumstances shift, but until your perspective does. Because that’s when you will.

22. Relationships

Seems to be the medium through which everything happens. The bullshit, the learning, and the healing. So look alive. Like or not, no one is alone. We’re all in this together.

23. Self-Acceptance

Means coming to love yourself warts and all, not putting up such a damn front, and being gentle with yourself and others. It means accepting every part of you–even the ugly, angry, and sad parts. The weird thing? The more you accept yourself exactly as you are, the more you accept others and the world exactly as they are. And vice versa. This is why Jesus said don’t judge. Because that which you hold against someone else, sooner or later, you’ll hold against yourself. But as you accept That Which Is Unacceptable in yourself or another, That Which Is Unacceptable becomes your teacher. All parts come bearing gifts. Hold out your hands.

24. Spiritual Practice

Looks different for everyone but is something I’m convinced we all long for and participate in somehow. Maybe one person does it in the kitchen, the way they lovingly prepare the perfect meal to feed their family. Maybe another does it in a chapel. I grew up as a Christian. Last night I prayed the rosary. Now I don’t know what to call myself. More and more, the labels are unimportant. It’s the experience I’m after, the inner knowing that I’m part of something bigger than myself. The conviction that every time I take a breath, God breathes with me. I’m after what the mystics know, the truth that every life, every rock, and every molecule is both sacred and holy.

25. The Physical Body

This could be an entire series of posts. And has been. Suffice it to say that every experience we have on this planet is granted to us through our physical organism. And whereas my personal temptation has been to ignore my body’s signals (information, guidance, wisdom) or be mad it at for hurting or being sick (not good enough), I’ve learned that it is the master and I am its pupil. I am in its classroom, and I must play by its rules. So more and more I’m learning to love, honor, and take care of my body, this gift I’ve been given. Granted, it’s easy to compare yourself to others and find fault with your body, but then you miss The Mystery. Then you miss the wonder that is you.

26. Therapy and Healing

Is actually a thing. And whereas I could go on and on about different therapies and modalities I’ve tried and succeeded with, really, it all started the day I picked up the phone and called my therapist. One little choice that was really a big choice. “I think I need help,” I said. Thankfully, my therapist was a good fit for me, and her office became a safe place, a sacred place, where I could begin to put myself back together. And whereas I’ve done a lot of work on my own, I think this is a huge part of the process. Having a witness. Not someone that does the work for you, but someone who sees you and believes in you. Maybe more than you do. Someone who is willing to stick with you through it all. Another big part being what my therapist told me that first session. “For this hour we’re going to do two things: sit in truth and not judge ourselves.” So whatever path you choose, I suggest taking these two gems with you. The truth (it will set you free) and non-judgment. I promise, you’ll get further faster if you do.

27. Transformation

Is not only possible, but necessary. Just like a caterpillar can’t stay a caterpillar forever, we as humans can’t stay our old selves forever. Indeed, we’ve been designed to grow, change, transform, evolve. To forget that which is behind and press forward toward the mark. To be burned in the ashes and rise again. To die on the cross and ascend three days (or three years) later. This is written in our stories, and this is written in our cells. So just find a way to accept it. Then get on with the process. Set your foot upon The Path. Entertain the idea that you are more (insert positive adjective here) than you ever thought possible.

28. Travel Writing

Hasn’t been a huge part of my journey or this blog but is still worth mentioning. One lesson from traveling being that, just like that, the universe can take you on a trip, put someone on your path, or put you on someone else’s. Just like that, you can be in a whole new world. With a whole new perspective. JRR Tolkein said, “Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or secret gate.” Believe in this magic. Trust that as one journey ends, another is beginning.

29. Writing

Isn’t for everyone, but is for everyone. At least, words are for everyone. Personally, these words, these hundreds of thousands of words, have changed my life. Once a writer friend pointed out that I was literally writing into existence the life I wanted to live. Sweetheart, hang on for one more day. Things will get better. Lately I’ve been hashtagging all my posts #healing. And whereas I’ve thought of these statements and labels as simply my way of hoping or just description, well, in the beginning was the word. Seriously. Think of the world you create when you say something is “possible” versus the world you create when you say something is “impossible.” Notice how your thoughts, feelings, emotions, attitude, and actions change depending on which world you decide to inhabit. Crazy, I know. And that’s just one little word. Now, have the words I’ve written these last three years MADE my life change? I could never prove that. But my life has changed, and surely it’s at least partly due to the fact that at some point I started telling myself a different story. A story I wanted to hear. One of healing, forgiveness, self-acceptance, hope, transformation, and transcendence. A story in which I was the hero and there was a happy ending.

And surely anyone can do this.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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No one is immune from life’s challenges.

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On Miracles (Blog #1016)

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Okay. Where are we going tonight?

For the last 1,000+ days I’ve sat down to blog and had this question somewhere in my mind. Granted, there have been times that I’ve absolutely KNOWN–these are the things I want to say. But even then writing has been the adventure that creativity is, full of twists, turns, and oh-wow moments. Not one single time in the last three years have I not been surprised by what’s inevitably birthed here at this keyboard, be it a clever phrase, a happy joke, or a somber theme. Even when I’m totally blank and thinking, Well, that’s it, I’m all dried up, some idea comes along out of nowhere to save my ass. Even when I’m certain I’m creatively bankrupt, something good magically appears.

Overall, today has been fabulous. Almost everyone, or at least the news anchors, in our area have been concerned with the weather (there have been tornado warnings), but I’ve been concerned with brooches, working on framing a few recent acquisitions. And whereas I got one project done today, I’m still waiting on paint and glue to dry before I can finish two others. Ugh. Everything is always a process. Both in art and in life, it seems that nothing is ever “done.” The good news about this, I suppose, is that not being done leaves room for The Mystery. Until you’ve reached the last page in a book–the last word–the story’s not over.

This evening I had dinner with a friend I’ve known for–gosh–over fifteen years now, one of the first people I came out to. Anyway, they made spaghetti, and we did what we always do–laugh, share stories, console. Then while I was on my way home I thought about how so very often I’m worried about money but how time with an old, true friend is absolutely priceless. How even if I had all the money in the world it wouldn’t have made tonight any better.

Well, it might have paid for some chocolate cake.

But still, I was happy.

We had cookies.

When I got home I helped my dad put a homemade dog bed (fashioned from old bath mats and a comforter) in my parents’ room for our family dog, Ella. My parents have a waterbed, and there’s a crawl-through space, a hiding area underneath the headboard where I guess Ella likes to go to chill out, get away, and rest her paws. Anyway, I positioned her new bed inside the crawl space, and she went right to it. Later I checked and she was still there, totally relaxed, content. This is my point about being happy. We make it complicated, but–really–it takes so little. Currently I’m in a comfortable chair sipping hot tea and listening to the rainfall.

What more do you need?

Now, an hour ago, just before I sat down to blog, I checked my bank account because I need to pay bills tomorrow. And whereas I’m not destitute–y’all–it wasn’t pretty. Hell, it hasn’t been pretty in years, especially since I closed my dance studio and started chasing my dream of being a writer. (My therapist says, “You ARE a writer.” So I correct myself–chasing my dream of being a PAID writer.) Ugh. I have friends that make both positive and sarcastic comments about how NICE it must be to sleep in every day and spend my days reading, writing, and–now–framing brooches. And, y’all, it is. It is NICE. But trying something new and living a non-conventional life always comes at a cost. And whereas it’s not always a financial cost, it often is, at least for a while. I add “at least for a while” because that’s my hope, that–sooner or later–the lean times will fatten up.

Dear God, please make it sooner.

Earlier tonight my mom sent me a glorious and emotional video and testimonial by Steve Harvey. Essentially, years ago Harvey was on his last leg, down to his final $35, when he was offered a stand-up gig in New York. Phew, you might think, but Harvey didn’t live in New York and–newsflash–plane tickets cost more than $35. But then–just like that–two other stand-up gigs came through and Harvey was able to make the New York gig. From there, his career took off. Later Mom and I were talking about it, and she reiterated Harvey’s advice–never give up. Because you’re CERTAIN to not succeed if you quit. But if you keep going, well, anything could happen. God could step in.

“That’s one thing about God,” I told Mom. “He always waits until the last damn minute. He’s so dramatic.”

“He certainly can be,” Mom said.

That’s Mom, ever the diplomat.

Getting back to creativity and writing and the idea that you never know what’s going to appear, I suppose this idea applies to our lives too. That is, just when we least expect it, something good comes along. My therapist says she’s noticed this happens a lot for me. Whenever I’m down and thinking, I am SO SCREWED, the universe saves my ass. Out of nowhere, a check shows up. An idea comes along. Even it’s not a windfall (so far it’s never been a windfall), it’s enough to get me through. Regardless, I’m always left dumbfounded, amazed. Just like I am when I consider any good fortune, including any good friend who comes into my life. I think, I never could have planned this. I’m always so surprised. That’s the thing. You never see miracles coming.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Just because your face is nice to look at doesn’t mean you don’t have a heart that’s capable of being broken. These things happen to humans, and there isn’t a one of us who isn’t human.

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you never see miracles coming

Starting on the Right Foot (Blog #641)

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[Photo credit: Tom Wilmer]

It’s 9:36 PM on New Year’s Eve, there are fireworks going off outside, and I’m celebrating alone. This is somewhat by choice, somewhat just the way the cookie crumbled. This morning I had an offer to join some friends tonight, but the party was out-of-town, and attending would have required more in terms of time and effort than I could have given considering my present condition. (I had knee surgery last week.) So instead I’m here, alone, in front of my laptop, listening to Eva Cassidy. Eva’s always my go-to choice whenever I’m feeling sad/lonely/thoughtful/hopeful.

I guess today has been all right. Honestly, I hate the fact that there’s all this pressure to make holidays special. Because if you spend the day binge watching your latest favorite television series and eating pizza any other day of the year, well, that’s kind of fabulous. But do those things alone on a night when practically the entire world is out getting turnt, and–hum–that kind of sucks.

Oh well.

Of course, the big thing lately that has me down is my jacked-up knee. Tonight’s main photo came in on my email earlier from my friend and fellow travel writer Tom and was taken a couple months ago in Tennessee, back when I could bend both knees and didn’t think anything about it. Now I couldn’t squat like that to save my life. Hopefully no one puts a gun to my head and says, “CROUCH, asshole!” anytime soon. Anyway, today I noticed that my left knee (the one that was operated on) is quite bruised both above and below my kneecap. I don’t know, maybe the bruise is just coming to the surface. Or maybe today was the first time I got away from the yellow-tinted bulbs in my room and stood close enough to a sunlit window to notice it. Either way, it’s gross.

And it’s still difficult to stand up.

I know this will be the case for a while. This afternoon I went through my physical rehab exercises twice, and they’re quickly becoming part of my routine. (Who am I kidding? I don’t have a routine.) Anyway, I really don’t intend this blog to become The All About My Knee Report, but this is still fresh and has a lot of my emotional attention.

Like, all of it.

Earlier after finishing the Amazon Prime series Sneaky Pete (Season 2), I started to take a shower and do my final set of exercises. But then I figured that would put me blogging as the new year begins, and for whatever reason, I’d rather be doing something else. Granted, I do enjoy this–writing, blogging–most the time. But today marks one year and nine months of daily blogging (I started March 31, 2017), so I’m not even going to pretend that this isn’t work, sitting down every day, every damn day, and hacking away at the keyboard, soul-searching.

Come out, come out, wherever I am.

Since it’s been one year and nine months since I started this thing, today does indeed feel like a milestone worthy of fireworks. This project is something I’m profoundly proud of. Mostly because of how it’s changed me. Seriously, I could do without all the “first day of the new year” fanfare, but the fact that today is three months shy of two years of straight (well, continuous) blogging, that’s a big deal for me. In this light, I’m reminded that the things in our lives that impact us the most rarely happen at the stroke of midnight. Rather, they are the things we show up to and sit with day after day after day. So whether it’s this blog or my knee rehab, I’m telling myself that all I have to do is keep showing up in order to get the results I want.

Somehow, The Mystery will work its magic.

Now it’s 10:33 PM, and chances are if I finish this up and get right to the shower, I’ll either be doing my rehab exercises or brushing my teeth as 2018 comes to a close. And whereas I know I just said I don’t make a big deal out of these moments, clearly a part of me does. A part of me wishes I were at some lovely party, holding hands with my dear one. But that’s simply not the case this year, and I don’t have a dear one anyway. The last time I did on new year’s, we were at home hanging tile and–as I recall–fighting. We were always fighting, so surely we were that night too. Anyway, I’ll take rehab exercises or my toothbrush over that hell any day.

Everything’s relative.

As The Final Hour closes in, I’m glad that I’m alone. If this project has taught me anything, it’s that–at least most the time–I’m my own best company. I mean, I’m pretty funny. But seriously, I’ve learned that even when my feelings aren’t comfortable, I can sit with them, I can listen to them, and we can figure things out. Plus, I’m hoping for some wonderful things this coming year, so good that I have this time to reflect on what those things are and what my “next steps” could be. What are those things that I want to start or keep showing up to? What are those things I need to STOP showing up to? Yes, I’m starting this year on the right foot. I have to.

My left one doesn’t work anyway.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"We were made to love without conditions. That's the packaging we were sent with."

Boomerang (Blog #583)

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It’s officially midnight, but I’ve already set our clocks back for the end of Daylight Savings Time, so they say it’s eleven. This is the weirdest thing, the fact that we can all-of-a-sudden lose an hour, gain an hour like magic. Now you see it, now you don’t. Presto chango.

What time is it really?

Now.

This afternoon I worked more on my photo organizing project and began sorting my summer camp pictures, which–thankfully–are already fairly organized by year. So now it’s just a matter of grouping everything together and figuring out where the “strays” go. Wow–summer camp. Where do I even begin? This was the place I spent my summers as a child, the place I returned to as a teenager for my first job. For nine summers–nine summers!–I drove from Van Buren, Arkansas, to French Camp, Mississippi, to make terrible money and have an absolute ball doing it. I sang songs, participated in ridiculously silly skits, slept in a cabin, got bitten by countless mosquitoes, taught canoes, and formed friendships that have continued to this day.

After four full summers of working at summer camp (from 1997-2000), I went back in 2001 to visit and got willingly sucked into working for a week after one of the counselors contracted Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. As it turns out, the tick that bit this fellow forever changed the course of my life, since after I filled in his spot “in the cabins” for a week, I got invited to fill in for another week for one of the guys who worked with the rafters, the older kids who get to leave the base camp to go whitewater rafting.

As being a rafting counselor is a coveted position with little turnover, I jumped at the chance.

That particular rafting trip–honestly–was hell. It was me and one other counselor, who was also new to the rafting program, and ten teenage boys. Eight of them were from Memphis, and seven of those eight went to the same school. In other words, the other counselor and I were outnumbered from the beginning. Those seven boys cleaned our clocks. Hell, during the first day of our being on the road with these boys, one of them busted a window out of our van (after which it promptly started raining–thanks, God), and another one, in the middle of the night, threw up ALL OVER the inside of his tent and (in an effort to stop throwing up inside the tent) threw up ALL OVER the three pairs of shoes OUTSIDE his tent.

And since the other counselor was a sound sleeper, guess who got to clean the entire mess up?

The whole week was like this.

Still, I fell in love with these seven boys, and that fall I bought a ring with waves on it to remember our trip together. I still wear it. For years after that summer, I’d drive to Memphis to watch these boys play football. Their parents let me stay with them. “You’re always welcome here,” one mother told me. I was there for their graduation. A few years ago, when one of them got married, I went to his wedding. He’s turned out to be such a wonderful man. After his reception I ran into him and his wife in the lobby of The Peabody Hotel, and he said, “Marcus, no matter how long we go without talking to each other, I’ll always love you.”

Looking at this old photo is like turning back time. In an instant, I’m there. Presto chango. So many camper names and faces I’ve forgotten (they say you remember the angels and the demons, and it’s true), but with this group of boys, I remember every single one. (Maybe they were all angels or demons?) Anyway, this one had his gallbladder removed, that one liked to golf, those two were cousins, and that one could quickly and easily spell any word backwards.

The entire week I was SUC-RAM.

I didn’t take any rafting trips in 2002, but I did in 2003 (and 2004, 2005, and 2006). However, before that summer in 2003, the camp said it would help if I got my commercial driver’s license (CDL), since they normally transport the boys with a school bus and not a van. So that’s what I did. And I don’t know, I realize it’s random and that I don’t use it anymore, but it’s one of things I’m most proud of, the fact that I can drive a bus.

Because seriously–it’s way fun.

Here’s a picture I love from 2003. These boys went to the same school that those original boys (the seven) went to. Believe it or not, they were much calmer. No broken windows. No vomit.

Obviously, looking at these old photos brings back a lot of good memories. Still, for all that these photos DO show–me on a canoe, me and another counselor with pantyhose on our heads, me and a bunch of teenagers in life jackets, me and a school bus, and three boys playing frisbee–I’ve been thinking today about what they DON’T show. For example, tonight’s featured photo was taken on June 28, 2000, my parents’ wedding anniversary. Except while I was floating on Lake Ann in a pair of silly sunglasses, my parents weren’t celebrating–because Dad was still in prison. At that point, he’d been gone almost five years.

It’s the strangest thing when you have a parent in prison. It’s a sensation you can’t capture on film. Because it’s not like they’re dead. Even as an adult, I can’t imagine that. But they are GONE. And sure, you get to talk to them on the phone (for fifteen minutes at a time) and you get to see them in a visiting room (while armed guards watch), but they don’t get to SEE YOU. What I mean is that they don’t get to see you off to your first job at summer camp or help you pack the car. They don’t get to see you graduate from high school. They don’t get to see you learn to dance.

There’s SO MUCH these pictures DON’T show. I remember one gorgeous child who loved having his picture taken as a kid but hated having it taken as a teenager because–by then–he’d decided he was ugly. Another boy who was adopted told me, “My parents leave me at summer camp so they can go on vacation without me.” One of the original rafting boys had a brother who had died. So much insecurity; so much pain.

And all this before fifteen.

Fifteen. That’s how old I was when Dad went to prison. I was fourteen when he got arrested. My sister and I were in the living room, and we watched it on the news. Looking back, I have no idea how I survived. My therapist says I could have easily ended up addicted to drugs or in juvenile detention, and yet I didn’t. Instead, I ended up at summer camp. And when I started working with the rafters, I really didn’t think about the fact that they were basically the same age I was when the shit hit the fan. I didn’t think, He reminds me of me, or, I wish hadn’t grown up so fast and that I were as carefree as he is.

I just knew I cared about them.

Healing happens when you become your own home.

Now it seems so obvious, that I was giving those boys the time and attention that I missed out on, the love that I desperately wanted and needed. But I didn’t consciously understand this at the time. Rather, I simply knew that I was capable of listening, capable of getting in a car and showing up, and capable of simply being there, and that for some reason I had to. Not like I was being forced to, but like I was being compelled to. Like something deep down inside of me knew that if I could listen to, show up, and be there for someone else, I’d one day learn to listen to, show up, and be there for myself. Now I know that this is when healing really happens, when you become your own home. And what a beautiful thing about The Mystery, about that part of ourselves that insists on healing, that everything we give away eventually comes back to us.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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A break is no small thing to give yourself.

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The Mystery Isn’t That Simple (Blog #580)

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Today I interviewed three different computer repair businesses in my quest to get my laptop repaired. (I spilled tea on the keyboard; electronics and liquids don’t go well together.) And whereas all the places quoted–uh–about the same price, only one had good customer service. The other two ranked low to medium at best. In one spot, I was treated like a “customer” at the DMV. Like, take a number, asshole. So I just walked out. Fuck this, I thought. I have other options.

You always have other options.

So now the plan is to visit the “winning” store in person tomorrow, as I only spoke with them on the phone today. I’ll let you know how it goes.

This afternoon, in between visits to computer repair stores, I saw my therapist, and we did a double session because she’d had a cancellation. Hum. What to say? After I told her a few stories, including the one about walking away from bad customer service, she said I’ve clearly been listening to my gut lately and to keep that up.

More on that in a minute.

Later we talked about self-talk, beliefs, and whether or not someone (specifically, me) feels worthy of having their dreams come true. And whereas we’ve had these conversations before and I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in this area, today I started crying when she repeatedly looked me in the eyes and listed several good (and “worthy”) things about me. Yeah, why is that such a big deal, to have someone affirm you? I guess because I’m so used to thinking that success belongs to other people–but not me; that dreams come true for, I don’t know, the Kardashians–but not me; that everyone else is “good enough”–but I’m not.

My therapist called this “a flawed perspective,” and in my experience it’s not the easiest thing to get rid of, even when you really want to. Like, I’ve been reading self-help books and rocking this therapy thing for A WHILE NOW, and it’s not like I’m unaware of thoughts that race through my head. I say race because thoughts are lightning fast, especially little ones like, That won’t work, No one will like that, or, Nothing I do is every good enough. And I guess it’s easy to think that quick little thoughts don’t matter, but think them often enough, and thoughts like these can slowly choke a dream.

To death.

I normally don’t cry in therapy, so I’d like to be clear about why I think it’s notable. So often we “think” we’ve handled an issue. Like, Oh yeah, I’m fine with abundance. I believe in that shit. Well, you can blow a lot of smoke up someone else’s and even your own ass, but you CAN’T fool your body. On the contrary, your body always knows the truth. So when I find myself crying, that’s a good thing, since it means I’ve finally hit something with substance and not just an idea. It means, Sweetheart, it’s time to really take a look at this.

My therapist said she thinks I play small or fail to take steps toward some of my dreams because I’m afraid of rejection. (Uh, who isn’t?!) But after sharing a personal story that involved her being rejected multiple times and ended with her opening her private practice, she shared two pieces of advice.

One–Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. In other words, with time and perspective, we are often grateful for things that didn’t work out.

Two–Because our greatest strengths lie on the other side of our greatest fears–and I quote–“Bring on the rejection, motherfuckers!”

I’m going to be processing all this, but in the meantime, I’d like to circle back to listening to your gut, which, as I’m fond of saying, sounds good if you say it fast. What I mean is that “going with your gut” is often lauded in today’s society, and yes, I think it’s something you should do. Like, I might have been taken advantage of–or just been frustrated– if I’d bowed to convenience and had stuck around in those computer shops today even though something felt off. And when my therapist asked if I wanted an extra hour and that felt “on,” that clearly worked out.

Woowho. Go gut.

But to be clear, I ran all over God’s green earth today trying to find a place my gut liked, and that was a pain in the ass. And because I stayed in therapy an extra hour, I ended up crying, and I’ve spent the rest of the day queasy because, What am I gonna do now? And because I’ve listened to my gut countless other times in the last four years, I can’t tell you the number of people I used to be friends with that I no longer talk to. Granted, I think I’ve saved everyone involved a lot of drama, but watching multiple friendships fall apart is a real bitch and–quite frankly–isolating.

In my experience, your gut doesn’t care if you run all over God’s green earth, doesn’t care if you cry, doesn’t care if you lose your friends, and doesn’t care if you’re lonely. It does, however, I believe, WANT you to be as healthy and as strong as possible, and–well–maybe that requires some challenges. (I’m sorry. There’s no maybe about it. It does require some challenges.) Also, I think it requires some tests, meaning you have to listen to your inner guidance in the little things if you expect to get guidance in the big things. Like, this week I’ve been working on organizing my photos, just because I feel like I’m supposed to. (I keep thinking about it; the idea won’t let me go.) Well, if I ignore that prompting and later wonder what I should do about a relationship or a job, why should my gut bother talking to me when I’ve plainly demonstrated that I’m not interested in what it has to say?

Today I walked out of a computer repair business, twice, just because something inside me said, Leave. And I don’t know why–your gut never answers this question–maybe it’s because my answer about that relationship or job is IN ANOTHER STORE. Regardless, what I do know is that some of the biggest shit storms I’ve been through in my life have been because I ignored a still small voice inside me (a simple “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” is often all your gut will give you), so I don’t need to know why.

But–obviously–because I said so, that’s why. It is MY gut, after all. I just don’t–hum–have to understand my own reasons.

This is the weirdest thing about the universe, ourselves, and healing. For one thing, nothing is a straight line; you can’t say what causes what…or why. For example, if I hadn’t spilled my tea on my laptop and gotten up early to go to the shop this morning, I wouldn’t have had time for the double session in which I had an emotional breakthrough. Does one thing explain the other? Not necessarily–The Mystery isn’t that simple–but I think it’s all connected.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"We all have inner wisdom. We all have true north."