Last night I slept for twelve hours straight. When I woke up I had beans, rice, and cornbread for breakfast, then went back to sleep for four additional hours. (I imagine this must be terribly interesting to read about.) I understand that I’m sick, but I’m not sure where all my energy has gone. After breakfast, before my nap, I read ten pages in a book, and it felt like running a marathon. Now I’m propped up in a chair in the living room, proud of myself for being semi-vertical. In terms of flu symptoms, my throat is significantly less sore today.

So that’s something.

Almost three months ago I started practicing chi kung every day, for anywhere from fifteen to forty-five minutes a day. When the flu hit, I think I was at eighty days in a row. In order to “not quit,” I’ve been doing a two-minute chi kung routine this week. It’s an actual thing, basically a “when all else fails” option. I’ve been thinking of it like a placeholder, like, Don’t worry–I’ll be back. Well, I’m pretty sure there was a day earlier this week when I didn’t do chi kung at all. This week is kind of a blur, but I’ve been practicing at night, and I think there was an evening when I simply passed out after dinner without practicing.

This may sound silly, and I realize nobody else gives a shit, but the missed routine was a letdown. Just like blogging every day, I’ve worked hard to do chi kung every day. I’ve been really dedicated. It means something to me. I plan to get back with it, but now there’s a certain enthusiasm that’s been lost. I’m sure it’s my all-or-nothing thinking, but I’m not quite as proud to say, “I do this ALMOST every day.”

When I forgot about chi kung a couple days ago, I thought, What if I forgot to blog too? That thought really scared me. Of all the habits and routines I’ve had in my life, this is the one to which I’m most faithful. At least until I get to the one-year mark (and I don’t know what I’ll do once I get there), I can’t imagine skipping. If I did, talk about a letdown. Why I’ve attached so much meaning and importance to this project, I can’t exactly say. It’s certainly not about money. More than likely, it has to do with character, with making a promise to myself and keeping it. That’s probably it. Almost to the one-year mark, I can tell you that something happens when you keep showing up for yourself day after day, even when you don’t feel well. It’s like you start to trust yourself in a different way. It’s like, no matter what, you know you’re going to be there for you.

I hope I don’t miss a day with the blog, but speaking from my experience with chi kung, I know there’s grace available if I do fall off the wagon. I can just get back on again. Plus I’m learning that there’s value in doing some things “almost” every day. Not everything in life has to be all-or-nothing. Most things, in fact, are somewhere in between. That does seem to be where I keep finding myself, somewhere in between all and nothing.