This morning I woke up early to rifle through used books at a thrift store. And whereas I was super tired, I scored nineteen beautifully covered books (I’m using their covers for craft projects) for only a dollar a piece. Talk about a bargain. When I got home I set two books aside I decided to keep (one for me, one for a friend), then removed the covers from the other seventeen with a razor blade. Wouldn’t you know it? After all the work was done and I set the blade down, my left hand slipped off one of the books onto the blade and I cut my middle finger. Y’all, I started bleeding like a stuck pig. The worst part about it? I did the same thing yesterday to my ring finger.
“Did I never teach you how to use sharp objects?” my dad said.
“No,” I replied, holding up my Bandaid-covered hand. “Isn’t it obvious?”
Yesterday I bought three pieces of costume jewelry for two dollars. When I got them home, however, I noticed they were all missing jewels. Tossing them away I thought, Fool me once. This afternoon I used glitter spray paint on a picture frame but didn’t let it dry long enough. Now there’s an indentation where my hand was. Next time, sweetheart, be patient, I told myself. Don’t jump the gun. My point being in all these situations–no matter how old you get, there’s always more to learn. Especially with any new endeavor or undertaking (and I may NEED an undertakER if I keep slicing myself open), there’s always room for improvement.
Knowing that we don’t–can’t–know everything should keep us humble.
One of the books I dismantled for its cover was Extraordinary Lives by American Express. That’s right, the credit card company. Anyway, best I could tell by thumbing through it, the book was a collection of inspirational stories paired with original artwork and well-laid-out quotes from the book’s various storytellers. And whereas I didn’t read any of the stories, I did cut out several of the quotes I thought were worth taking in. Things like, “You didn’t have arguments and problems and lawsuits with patients. You had relationships.” And, “You can’t have everything you want. You’re not going to get the other side to commit suicide.”
For me, the two quotes I just mentioned are tied together. That is, only if a relationship goes sour will you have (major, lawsuit-like) problems, and only if those problems get way out of hand will you want the other side to cease existing. Tonight I attended a Christmas party, and one my friends pointed out that relationships most always go sour when we ignore red flags. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of looking back and thinking, I knew Phil was a cheater all along. I knew Sally was a kleptomaniac. Fine China doesn’t just up and walk away on its own.
“Why do we ignore red flags,” my friend said? “Because we have an agenda with someone. Because we want something from them.”
Ugh. Is this the truth or what? I’ve ignored my intuition with overbearing friends because I wanted to be perceived as “nice.” I’ve ignored it with inappropriate clients because I wanted their money. I’ve ignored it with love interests because I didn’t want to be alone. But more and more I’d rather be “rude” (or rather perceived as rude), broke, and alone than spend time with someone who isn’t a good match for me. And let’s face it–if they’re not a match for me, I’m not a match for them, so I’m doing both of us a favor. Along these lines, my therapist says that when you’re honest with someone–like, this just isn’t working for me–you not only give them permission to be honest, but you also free up both of your time and attention for others who ARE a match for you.
At one point today I had someone preface something they were about to tell me by saying, “I know you won’t tell anybody.” And whereas I haven’t always zipped my lips when someone asked me to in the past, I’m getting better at it. Like, I’m NOT talking about it on the internet. Or at all. I mean, if someone confides in me, that means they TRUST me, and that’s huge. Because trust takes years to build up.
But only a moment to shatter.
To the party tonight I wore a bow tie that was recently gifted to my by my friend Lydia (who won it as a door prize at a dance we attended together) and a brass brooch in the shape of two flowers–mums. As in, MUM’S THE WORD. I didn’t plan this coincidence (being asked to keep a confidence / mum’s the word) when I picked out my outfit and accessories, it just happened. In psycho-spiritual speak, it was a synchronicity, an divinely orchestrated opportunity for me to really think about the quality of my relationships, what they’re built on (trust), and how I can work to maintain them (as Elaine on Seinfeld would say, lock box).
My therapist says “mum’s the word” is almost always a good idea in relationships–and not just with respect to keeping secrets. For example, my friends and I used to process a lot together, use each other as therapists. There’s nothing inherently wrong with doing this, but things can get pretty heavy pretty quick. This is why my therapist suggests zipping my lips or not processing so much with others. “Friends are for fun,” she says. “If it’s something deep and heavy, something you’d put on the THE LIST, talk to me about it. Aren’t you paying me to listen?” These are things I continue to work on–what to talk about, what not to talk about, how to navigate relationships. And whereas I don’t always get it right–with friends or with razor blades–I’m learning.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You absolutely have to be vulnerable and state what you want.
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