Despite sleeping last night for a solid twelve hours, I’ve been dragging ass today. Also, I’ve been dragging my left leg, and I’m sure the fact that my knee is injured is contributing to my general exhaustion. Ugh. Everything from taking a shower to putting my pants on simply takes more effort than it used to. But I’m working on being gentle with myself, by seriously lowering my standards regarding what constitutes a “productive” day. After I took a shower this afternoon (and shaved!), I thought, That’s enough. If I do nothing else for the rest of the day, I showered!

Yesterday my friend Bonnie sent me a meme that said, “Your worth is not measured by your productivity.” And whereas I agree, this is a tough idea for me to shake, that “getting shit done” isn’t what it’s all about. (It’s the Hokey Pokey, duh.) Anyway, I’m trying to remember this, that my inherent value hasn’t changed just because my mobility has.

Yesterday after seeing the Symphony of Northwest Arkansas, I went to Dickson Street Bookshop, one of my favorite used bookstores anywhere, ever. No kidding, it’s awesome; there are more books than you could shake a stick at. Thankfully, I was able to limit myself to one purchase, a book about the “benefits” of being ill. This afternoon I read the first few chapters, and the author’s point seems to be that often a debilitating illness (like arthritic hips in his case or a bum knee in mine) causes us to slow down and thus affords us opportunities we might not otherwise afford ourselves. For example, we might use our down time to reflect, reconsider our priorities, write a book, or even–here’s a novel idea–tell someone no.

I guess a book would be a novel idea too. (Insert groan here.)

So far, this line of thinking makes sense to me. As frustrating as it is for me to have an injured knee, I do appreciate what it’s teaching me. Already I’ve been forced to receive kindnesses from friends and strangers I would have under different circumstances refused to accept. Surely this is a good thing, just like it’s been a good thing for me slow down, slow way down, this last year while I’ve battled a number of health challenges. Before all this mess started, I almost never slowed down, almost never got still and really sat with my emotions. I mean really. But that’s a benefit to being sick. It makes you raw. It makes you listen to yourself.

Or at least it strongly encourages you to listen to yourself.

Not that I’m not ready for all this bullshit to be over. I am. I’m ready to walk again, ready to dance again, ready to wake up in the morning ready and willing to go. One day. For now, this is my life, and I’m working on accepting it with grace. Working on it. This afternoon I saw a dear friend who just had back surgery. They were told, “You can eat a BLT, but you can’t BLT (bend, lift, or twist).” This evening I had dinner with a friend who’s having surgery on their wrist after the first of the year. And it’s not that misery loves company. Because I’m not miserable. That’s my point. It’s difficult to feel miserable when you really get it–I’m not alone here.

This is the human condition. Fraught with challenges. At the same time, full of silver linings.

Earlier tonight I tried replacing a lightbulb in one of my chandeliers. However, something is apparently wrong with the socket. No matter how many different perfectly good bulbs I put in it, it wouldn’t light up. And so it is with this body. I’ve tried everything I know to do, and it’s still tired, still hurts. Are things forever hopeless for me and my chandelier? Absolutely not. First, for my chandelier, there’s always Lowe’s. Second, for me, the body is full of wonders, capable of all kinds of miracles. Last week I developed a skin rash that had me all kinds of stressed out, but the last few days, it’s been improving. It’s not perfect, but it’s moving in the right direction. So I have to believe the body tends toward repair. I have to believe life wants me to heal, if not physically then at least deep down. I have to believe that even my challenges serve this purpose, since they not only allow me to meet myself in a new way, but also reveal strengths and powers within me I previously did not know existed.