It’s 3:08 in the morning. Where did the day go? More importantly, where is tonight’s blog going? I honestly have no idea. This is only a slight problem, of course, since I’m the one writing it. I spent most the day burning fat. Keep your seats–I didn’t run a marathon or anything–I just started eating better. That’s right, today was day one of what will hopefully be a four-week dietary reset involving no bread, no refined sugar, no alcohol, no happiness. So far it’s going pretty well, except for the fact that I’m hungry, cranky, and have a headache. (I guess that’s the no happiness part.) Regarding the headache, I wish my parents didn’t keep the Ibuprofen bottle right next to the stool-softener bottle.

They look VERY similar.

I don’t want to speak too soon, but I’ve actually felt better today. I’ve had more energy–at least putting my jeans on didn’t wear me out–so I’m taking that as a good sign. Still, I’ve told myself I’m going to take it easy for the rest of the week, so I spent the day lying on the futon, working my way through a book about the mythological figure Lilith, the first wife of Adam. Yes, you read that right–Eve was God’s second choice. Apparently, Lilith was a feminist from the start, and when Adam said he wanted to be “on top,” Lilith said SHE wanted to be on top. Well, as my dad would say, this went over like a fart in church, and there was a fight. In the end, Lilith spent the rest of her days destroying creation and devouring newborn children, and Adam settled down with the more agreeable, albeit hungry for apples, Eve.

Obviously, nobody’s perfect.

As I understand it, a lot of religions and mythologies have a goddess like Lilith. The book mentioned the Babylonian Ishtar, and I’m familiar with the Hindu Kali. Whatever the case, these ladies are almost always temptresses and destroyers. I guess they could be compared to Cinderella’s step-mother or Snow White’s Evil Queen, and they are usually juxtaposed to benevolent female characters such as Mother Mary or Cindy’s fairy godmother. We like to make these sorts “all bad,” of course, but it seems as if life itself is a constant interplay of forces that destroy and create, destroy and create. Where would one be without the other?

This evening I went to the grocery store with a list for my parents and a list for me. Since my list was for my diet, I don’t mind saying that their list was infinitely more appealing. I mean, it had french fries on it; mine had chicken and lemons. Y’all, going to the grocery store when you’re on a diet really is discouraging. EVERYTHING has corn syrup in it. There are literally like five healthy foods in the entire world, and only two of them taste good. I realize I’m not starting this transformational journey with the best attitude, but I’m assuming that will improve once my body adjusts to the shock of pancake withdrawal. Plus, it doesn’t help that my checkout girl looked at my selection of vegetables and said, “We never eat those at my house–it’s all Twinkies and potato chips.”

I mean, she didn’t have to brag.

Tonight I video chatted with my friend Matt. He ate Taco Bell while we talked, so that was only a little difficult to watch. I told Matt that whenever I start a diet, I immediately start thinking of everything else I need to start, like walking in the afternoons, doing yoga at night, and wearing my retainer when I go to bed. (Look, Ma, I’m self-improving in my sleep!) Even when I haven’t felt well, there’s part of me that wants to push-push-push for perfection. It’s exhausting. But Matt said, “Aren’t you perfect just the way you are?”

Well there’s a novel idea.

Here’s a picture I snapped while talking to Matt. We were talking about dance, and he was using the fan to ask me a question about his “partner.” If I’d been thinking, I would have said, “Tell her to chill out.'”

A couple years ago I’d stopped smoking cigarettes but picked them back up again. Prone to beat myself up about such things, I brought the topic up in therapy, and my therapist said, “You’re just upset because you expect things to always be the same. Just give it some time–it will change–and then it will probably change again.” I’ve been thinking and blogging about this a lot lately, the idea that everything comes and goes. So much of me wants to get my life and body a certain way and have them stay that way, but that’s not how things works. You get sick for a while, then you get better. You eat right, then you don’t, and then you do again. This, I’m learning, is normal and how life works. Habits are constantly created and destroyed, nobody is on top all the time, and aren’t you perfect just the way you are?