Boys, Frosting, Food, and Clothing (Blog #705)

Today has been fabulous and makes me glad to be alive. I can’t say why it’s been fabulous exactly, but I’ll try. This morning I woke up early, like eight-thirty, and began the day in quiet and solitude. This suites my personality, a slow, hushed start and a healthy breakfast. The menu today: scrambled eggs with turkey, spinach, and green onions; a side of pineapple; and hot lungwort tea. Lungwort’s supposed to be good for your lungs and decreasing mucus. Personally, I just like the way it sounds–lungwort. It’s so–medieval. I feel like a wizard every time I say it.

The reason I got up early was to see my therapists. Yes, I have more than one. It takes a village. First I saw my mental health therapist, the one this blog is named in honor of, my shrink. A few months ago I had a dream about a giant snake in a swamp, and recently I had another dream about a giant snake on land. The second snake tried to bite me, and I was terrified but ended up controlling it. When I told my therapist about these dreams, she said, “What do you think of snakes?” I said, “I think they’re strong and powerful.” Then she said, “Then that’s you. You’re the snake–you’re strong and powerful,” which made me want to cry. Weird how we don’t want to recognize our own best qualities, how we’re afraid of ourselves.

My therapist and I also talked about my future. I’ve been thinking lately I should get into an additional writing routine, force myself into a chair and bang my head against the table until a book falls out. My therapist, however, suggested that I don’t do anything until we talk again. “Reduce yourself,” she said. “Give yourself a break.” Then she added, “In the meantime, think about boys, frosting, food, and clothing.” So that’s what I did the rest of the day. First I ate a cream cheese bagel, then (after physical therapy) went shopping for clothes. And whereas I didn’t buy anything, I had a wonderful time looking. Well wait, I bought a new tape measure at the hardware store because my old tape measure broke recently. Anyway, the point is that I did NOT think about my future, even while I was eating a brownie tonight.

I’d like to emphasize I only ate the brownie because, well, doctor’s order’s, and I try to be a good patient.

At physical therapy, I got to jog (on a treadmill) for the first time since my knee injury and subsequent surgery. Well, okay, it was more like a fast walk (3.3 miles per hour), but it mimicked a jog. My physical therapist said this was the point, to simply get the motion. “It feels awkward,” I said. “That’s normal,” he said. Likewise, when I said that the hardest exercise I do is lowering myself down onto a step, he said, “That’s the last thing to come back. It just takes time.” Still, despite this fact, I see a lot of progress. Today I broke a sweat balancing on a Bosu ball, but the balancing was easier than two weeks ago; I didn’t have to use the bar in front of me to keep from falling over.

And did I mention I’m jogging!

While driving around today, I listened to a podcast about willpower. The speaker, Kate Galliett, said that willpower is depleted 1) by our feeling overwhelmed and 2) by our making a lot of decisions. That is, if you have to make a hundred choices at work during the day, in the evening you’re probably not going to have the mental reserves required for eating broccoli instead of cake, unless broccoli is already a habit for you. If it’s not, you’ll say, “Fuck it, I’m too tired” and reach for the red velvet. What I found most interesting, however, was that Kate said ANY decision you make depletes your willpower–including what statuses to like or not like on social media. Or what clothes you’re going to wear every day. This is why Steve Jobs had a uniform (or why you might want to set out your clothes the night before). Think about it–if you can only make so many decisions each day, why not save them for what’s important–your job, your health, your relationships.

Not necessarily in that order.

Honestly, I’m not sure why my therapist wanted me to “reduce myself” for a bit in terms of my writing routine and rather think about boys, frosting, food, and clothing. But my guess is that she knows I tend to wear myself out and thinks it would be wise to first sit down and get clear about what’s really important and what I want to accomplish. Because I do use my willpower a lot–to write this blog every day, to rehab my knee, to read a hundred books, to do half a dozen things I don’t always talk about here. And the podcast I listened to was right–willpower is a limited resource. Granted, it can replenish itself, but not if you keep pushing, pushing, pushing. At some point, you’ve got to chill out. You’ve got to give yourself a break.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We all need to feel alive.

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A Stellar Interior (Blog #585)

Several brief things from the last twenty-four hours because I need to get ready for bed–

1. A stellar interior

Today I had lunch with a friend who studied physics in college, and when I brought up my interest in astronomy, they said, “Let me tell you about a stellar interior,” that is, what a star is made of and how and why it produces matter and generates heat. And whereas this information was fascinating, the only thing I could think about was how that phrase–a stellar interior–describes perfectly what I want for myself, an inside that’s strong, integrated, confident, calm, and kind.

2. A den of thieves

Currently I’m reading a book by Ervin Seale, and he says the biblical story of Jesus flipping his shit and throwing the money-changers out of his father’s temple is an analogy about our minds. Like, our minds should be a place of peace (a temple), but can’t be when we allow worries and anxieties (thieves and robbers) to enter in, take up residence, and do business there. I love the idea of picturing your mind as a building occupied by different types of people (or thoughts or beliefs). I especially love the idea of throwing some of these “people” out, of saying, “Wait a damn minute, who let you in here!?”

3. An ass for every seat

This afternoon I drove a friend to pick up a new car and ended up chatting with their salesman. When I commented about the HUGE number of cars on his company’s lot, he said that an old car dealer once told him, “There’s an ass for every seat.” To me this means not only that there’s a driver for every car, but also that there’s someone for everyone (for friendship or romance) and something (a job, a home, a dream) for everyone as well.

As Grandpa used to say, “It’s a big old world.”

4. A big old snake

Last night I dreamed that while traveling through a swamp I was suddenly aware of a giant snake. Initially terrified, I kept traveling. Meanwhile, the snake traveled too, right beside me, face to face. Eventually, I experienced a shift in mood. Not like I was relaxed, but like I was “okay.” The snake wasn’t going to bite me.

As far as I recall, this is my first-ever dream about a snake. And whereas Freud would say it was phallic (everything was phallic with Freud), for me the dream was about power (snakes are strong), attitude (snakes are clever and pick their battles), and transformation (snakes shed their skin). I don’t know–sometimes when you’re in an icky place in life (a swamp), it’s easy to forget that certain parts of you can actually thrive in less-than-ideal environments, that you yourself are strong and clever and capable of transformation and navigating murky waters.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you think only girls cry or that crying is inappropriate for some reason, fuck you. Some things are too damn heavy to hold on to forever.

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