Don’t Suffer Needlessly (Blog #1072)

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Currently it’s 10 in the evening, and I feel like a Bradford Pear tree is blooming inside my sinuses. I’m congested and can’t stop sneezing. I’m trying–trying–to not make this a national emergency. Yesterday I saw my ENT, and he reminded me that people–mere mortals like myself–get sick, get sick with sinus infections that typically last one or two months. “Whenever you get a sinus infection, the cilia inside your nasal cavities STOPS moving for six weeks minimum,” he said. Which means the mucus inside your head (or my head as the case may be) is tougher to move OUT.

Geez. Fine time for those little guys to go on strike.

The good news is that my ENT said he’s been having “really good results” with a specially compounded antibiotic/steroid mix that can be added to one’s nasal rinse. “Nose sprays only reach so far into your sinus cavities,” he said, “so nasal rinses are better.” And whereas I don’t love the idea of using antibiotics and steroids, I like that they wouldn’t be directly affecting my gut or overall body. Just my sinuses. Plus, I’ve given alternative treatments a good go (God knows I have), but, despite some spectacular results, they aren’t consistently cutting the mustard. So I’m willing to try something new.

My body continues to be a laboratory.

Along the lines of making efforts to heal, this morning I had an EDG (esophagogastroduodenoscopy) to scope out (get it?) the root cause of my acid reflux. Y’all, I don’t mind saying I totally enjoyed the drugs the anesthesiologist used to knock me out. Best sleep I’ve had all year. Alas, they said I couldn’t take any home with me. They also said I had a “small” hiatal hernia, basically an open door in my intestinal system that’s allowing certain fluids to sneak out and roam around where they shouldn’t be (in my throat).

At one time I would have been bothered by this information. Like, I’m falling apart. But more and more I’m convinced that my body can heal, or at the very least handle, all sorts of challenges. Plus, I know I’m getting good help. In a couple weeks, after the doctor gets some biopsy results back (“just to make sure there aren’t other contributing factors”), I’ll meet with him and get a game plan. After over a year and a half of NOT knowing what’s been causing all my intestinal distress, I’m like, bring it on.

More and more I think the more information I have, the better. This is my approach not only to my physical health, but also to my mental and emotional health (which I’m separating less and less from my physical health these days). My therapist says my dedication to understanding myself is “remarkable,” but–I don’t know–I’m just determined to unearth what makes me tick, what makes us all tick. And although I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’m convinced that if we’re overwhelmed by emotions, limiting beliefs, dysfunctional relationships (bad boundaries), and even health concerns, there’s a reason. Even science promotes this idea, solidly linking childhood trauma to heart disease and a number of other physical problems. Google the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) quiz.

As Caroline Myss says, “Your biography becomes your biology.”

For me, it’s natural to dig into my interior, although I know many people run from theirs. I mean, this journey isn’t for everyone. At the same time, you’re the one you live with day-in and day-out your entire life, so wouldn’t it behoove you to “know thyself,” like thyself, and even love thyself? Maybe that’s part of the reason we attempt to run from ourselves. (Which is, of course, a ridiculous and impossible notion.) We’re afraid of what we’ll find. But in my experience, even our scariest memories, emotions, and pains, when met with gentle compassion and curiosity, have something good to teach us. And leave us better on the other side.

Once a friend encouraged me to “sum up” what I’ve learned from my therapeutic and blogging journey. And whereas I get where they were coming from, it’s not really my style. For one thing, although I know bulleted lists are convenient, I personally almost always scan through them and think, I already know all that. Additionally, from the beginning I’ve said that I know my blogs are long and don’t have subheadings. Fine. This is on purpose. My invitation has been and continues to be–slow down, read a story, see if you can glean something from it.

Because some things, like yourself, are worth slowing down for. Are worth really thinking about.

Recently my therapist said that it’s never made sense to her that “someone will spend $80,000 on a car or botox” but not spend a fraction of that money on understanding themselves, on paying a professional for insights into their thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. Amen. So if I WERE to make a list, it would certainly include–seek help, get your ass in therapy (or do something useful that resonates with you), and don’t stop searching until you have some damn answers. Until you find something that works. In other words, don’t suffer needlessly. Not with your outsides. Not with your insides.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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There’s no such thing as a small action. There’s no such thing as small progress.

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Our Emotions Go Round and Round (Blog #1024)

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For the last three weeks I’ve been fighting a sinus infection. And whereas I woke up yesterday feeling better (yippee), I woke up today feeling worse (boo). Why knows why this up-and-down happens. The body is a mystery. Life is a mystery. More and more, I have more questions than answers. Recently I compared life to a circle, and this is what I meant. For all our living and learning, we’re just going round and round. One day we wake up and find ourselves exactly where we started.

We think, Ugh. I’m going nowhere!

At least that’s what I thought when I woke up still sick. Like I’ve been stuck in this pattern of upper respiratory distress for decades, and all the doctors, drugs, and gods and in the world can’t change it. That’s right, folks, we’ve discovered the impossible thing to get rid of. Mucus. (It’s here to stay.) But seriously, it’s overwhelming. At least when I think of the rest of my problems. This afternoon I got something in the mail I’d ordered online, and it was broken. Then I got a bill I wasn’t expecting. I just kept thinking, WHEN is something going to go my way?

Not that SOME things haven’t been going well lately. Indeed, I’ve blogged a lot about having headaches, and they’ve gotten SO VERY MUCH better over the last two months. Over the holidays I went weeks without working (and, therefore, earning any money), and this week alone I’ve picked up six different odd jobs. And I didn’t solicit any of them. Well, I did pray. My point being that even when one area of your life seems like it’s falling apart (seems being the operative word), another area of your life can be coming together. And surely if one area of your life can come together, the others can too. It’s just a matter of time, of patience, of remembering–

the universe hasn’t forgotten me.

Just now I said that something in your life can SEEM like it’s falling apart, the implication being that, well, maybe it’s not. What I mean is that, for example, for as frustrating as sinus infections are for me, they’ve taught me how to accept myself and how to ask for help. Just as importantly, they’ve taught me how to have compassion for others. Because all of us have that one thing that seems like a small thing to other people but is a big thing for us because it’s tied to so many other things in our lives. (Phew.) Like the way my sinus problems feel unsolvable, so, especially when I’m sick, all my problems feel unsolvable. Because if I can’t feel well then I can’t work and take care of myself and pay my bills and have a place to live and find a lover who isn’t into hobos.

See what I mean? One fear leads to another.

Overwhelming.

At times like these it’s important for me to remember to slow down, to slow way down, to slow way the fuck down. Like fast (haha). This looks like doing one thing–and one thing only–at a time. For example, this evening I have a dance gig (it’s good to be employed), so I’m blogging now, dancing tonight, and then that’s it for the day. Despite the number of other projects that are calling for my attention, they won’t get it. Rather, my body will. Meaning I’ll rest. Meaning I’ll do my best to allow my fears to arise, stay and be felt as long as they want to, then subside. Because they always do. Our emotions go round and round. In the end, we’re left with ourselves.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Sometimes we move with grace and sometimes we move with struggle. But at some point, standing still is no longer good enough.

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Time Well Spent (Blog #1012)

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For the last eight days I’ve been struggling with a sinus infection. And whereas it’s not really getting worse, it’s not really getting better either. Every morning I cough up junk. Every afternoon I feel wiped out. Every night I cough myself to sleep. All the while I pray for a solution. Not just a temporary one, but a permanent one. And whereas sometimes I think heaven must be tired of hearing from me (it’s me again, Margaret), I keep telling myself that’s not the way God works. Just because I’d be sick (I am sick, actually) of hearing from me, doesn’t mean God is. Of course, having been around for ETERNITY, he’s got this patience thing down.

Me? I’m still working on it.

This afternoon I taught a dance lesson to a couple, and when I asked if they’d practiced since I last saw them two weeks ago, they said, “No.” Now, this didn’t surprise me. Hardly any of my students practice unless they HAVE to. Like if they have a performance or a wedding coming up. Otherwise, they practice when they see me. And whereas there’s nothing wrong with not practicing (it’s job security for me), it naturally means the students progress at a slower pace than they COULD. Conversely, once I had a mentor who said it only took him a year to learn how to dance (the average is three to five years) because he worked at it every day for hours on end. And whereas this man had a natural aptitude for dancing and my students–quite frankly–don’t, my point is that just as HE CHOSE to go fast, they’re CHOOSING to go slow.

Recently I wrote about creating time, and this is what I meant. That is, to a large extent, we decide how quickly we want things to happen. Are certain things out of our control? Absolutely, a million things are. But take this, for example. This afternoon and evening I worked non-stop on an arts and crafts project I’ve been tinkering with for the last few weeks, framing antique jewelry. (I plan to post pictures soon.) And whereas it’s going slower than expected (because when you do something for the first time you run into all sorts of problems–er, challenges–you hadn’t anticipated), I should be done in a couple more days if I stick with it. My point being that I COULD drag this little project out for days, weeks, months if I wanted to.

But I don’t. I’m ready to see it finished. Which means I’m willing to put in the work.

Now, just because I’m ready to tackle this particular project doesn’t mean I’m not procrastinating like hell on plenty of others. Indeed, there are books I plan to read and books I plan to write–one day. Most likely, either it’s simply not time or I’m putting them off because I’m afraid of how my life will change–or worse, not change–once I do. Full of the fear of failure, I slow things down. I pump the brakes. Quite literally, I create (more) time.

Caroline Myss says we do this time creating thing constantly, in every area of our life. With our relationships, with our careers. Even with our resentments. Like, we decide how long it’s going to take us to get over something. We decide how long we’re going to “hang on.” We joke about this. Someone brings up an argument they had with their lover in 1983, and we say, “Still not over it?” Clearly they’re not. But they COULD be, just like my dance students COULD be further along than they are.

One of Myss’s points about all this is that we can’t decide to move slowly in terms of our resentments and expect to move quickly in terms of our healing. Because you can’t hang on and expect your body to let go at the same time. You either both hang on or you both let go. This is one of the reasons I’ve talked so much lately about letting go and forgiving. More and more, I see the price of holding grudges and being bitter (about anything) as simply too high. Now, I don’t claim to be a master at this. Nor do I have any promise that as I work to let go that my body will miraculously heal. Or heal at all. Although I do believe forgiving in one way to SPEED UP healing. Indeed, I’ve heard stories of people who forgave experiencing healing. But healing is always a grace, never a guarantee. This being said, and despite the fact that I currently feel like poop, I have experienced more physical healing these last two years (and especially these last two months) than ever before, and I don’t think it’s simply a coincidence that this has happened alongside my conscious choice to–in front of God and everybody–connect with my own good heart.

When I first sat down to write tonight I thought I was going to write about hope. Because whenever I don’t feel well I usually hit a point when I think things are hopeless. Consequently, it’s good for me to talk myself down off a ledge, to remind myself to be patient. Because the truth is there’s always hope. Likewise, as long as you’re alive you can always choose to be a better dancer, choose to be a kinder, gentler person. Even if you grow just a little bit each year, that’s something and is better than choosing not to. My point being that as long as YOU can change, your body can change, your life can change. And if takes a lifetime or an eternity to heal, to really heal?

Then it’s time well spent. And you haven’t hoped–or worked–in vain.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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For all of the things life takes away, it gives so much more in return. Whether we realize it or not, there’s always grace available.

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The Stiller You Are (Blog #965)

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A few quick things before my dad and I go to the gym and hopefully work off some of the tater-tot casserole we just ate. And yes, tater-tot casserole is a thing. Get thee behind me Satan.

I mean, get thee inside me.

1. On slowing down

Today I lay in bed reading a book I started–I don’t know–in May. I’ve had my nose poked in numerous other books lately (thank God I have a lot of bookmarks), but saw this book last night and got re-interested. Anyway, my original plan was to go to the library this afternoon, but after I started reading this book I decided to stay home. I thought, You don’t always have to be running around. So back to my bed, back to my book I went. What’s the lesson, kids?

Everything else can wait.

2. On silence

Yesterday while I was at the library watching videos, there was a moment when one video ended before the next one started and there was complete silence. Y’all, I nearly flipped out. It was–what’s the word?–unsettling. I guess in today’s world there’s always SOMETHING going on. In my world, there’s always something going IN–tater tots in my mouth, noise in my ears, knowledge in my head. Today I read so much–a hundred and fifty pages of small print–that my eyes started hurting. Y’all, I FINISHED my book, but I kept thinking I needed to read more, to finish ANOTHER BOOk. Now I’m sitting near my window and can hear the rain falling. THIS is what I need, this fundamental reconnection with the basic stillness of life.

3. On knowing thyself

Ever since I started therapy I’ve kept a list of things to talk to my therapist about. And whereas in the beginning I would jot down the list on a piece of paper (or a paint stick that my therapist and I started calling The Paint Stick of Truth) and later throw it away, for the last couple years I’ve kept the list on my computer. (Please don’t hack me; you might see your name.) And whereas I’ve been seeing my therapist for almost six years, we never run out of things to talk about. The list continues to grow.

Often during the last ten minutes of my therapy session I will begin to freak out, like, But there’s stuff on the list we haven’t talked about. This is, of course, the same anxiety I experience when I read only one book a day or look at my bank account–the anxiety of THERE’S NOT ENOUGH (time, information, money). But the truth is–there is. The truth is I’m constantly overwhelmed with time and attention from my therapist, just as I am overwhelmed with information. I’ve probably learned more this year than some of my ancestors learned in a decade. And whereas I’m not to the point I’m willing to say that I’ve been overwhelmed with money, I am willing to say that I’ve seen A LOT of it come and come. So maybe I am overwhelmed with money.

But I’m also overwhelmed with Amazon.

Getting back to my therapy list, I realized today that because I often prioritize my list, it’s become a perfect way for me to know not only WHAT mentally and emotionally drains me, but also HOW MUCH it drains me. Once my therapist said, “If someone or somethings is showing up on your list over and over again, that’s a good sign there’s something wrong.” Her solution? Boundaries, of course. My point being that even if you don’t see a therapist and make a list, it’s important to know what’s under your skin and who’s got your goat. You could even ask your friends, “Is there something I bitch about all the time? What do you think I can’t let go of?” And then stop bitching about it, let go of it. I realize it’s not “that easy,” of course, but I’m saying–start dealing with it. Not just for your benefit, but also for everyone else’s.

The stiller you are, the stiller we are.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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What are you really running away from?

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It’s Not the End of the World (Blog #962)

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Phew. This last week I committed a lot of food sins. I ate hamburgers and fries, chocolate cake, and peanut butter and jelly–from the jar. And whereas I enjoyed every minute of it, there was a price to pay. From a week ago today, this morning I was up four pounds. Yowza. Most of the day I haven’t been sure how I feel about this, but this evening I decided I might as well like it–since what’s done is done and I although I can’t immediately change the results, I can change how I think about them. Like, It’s not the end of the world, and maybe a few extra pounds will keep me from freezing to death.

The weather has been cold lately.

Partly because my weight was up and partly because I’ve been doing it one day a week anyway, today I’ve fasted. This afternoon I went to the movie theater with friends to see Charlie’s Angels and actually turned down hot buttered popcorn. Twice. Talk about willpower. That being said, if someone walked into this room right now and offered me dinner consisting solely of my leather dress shoes (get it, solely?), I’d accept.

With some ketchup, of course.

I’m not a complete barbarian.

In addition to giving my body a chance to cleanse from last night’s indulgences (I went to a wedding and a birthday party and ate a total of four platefuls of food and three pieces of cake), today’s fasting is reminding me of the importance of balance. Not that every meal has to be balanced, but like, if you overdo it, you should–at some point–underdo it. I think this is why my therapist is such a big fan of my using this period of my life to slow down and chill out. I’ve spent so many years go, go, going, it’s like I need the rest. Not just because my body is sometimes tired, but also because, as she says, the natural state of the universe is neutral. Meaning that what goes up, MUST come down.

Did you hear that, bathroom scales?

One thing about not eating all day is that it makes it harder to think. Like, right now I can’t quite put my finger on what I’d like to say. Other than, Dear lord, would someone please give me a hot dog on a bun?! That’s another thing about not eating. It makes you irritable. Not that this is the worst thing. Recently I heard that if you trust someone, you could ask them, “What do you think I should know about myself but are afraid to tell me because you don’t think I’d react well?” Whether you do this or not, I think it’s worth considering for yourself, and it’s why I say being irritable isn’t the worst thing. It’s good to know your triggers. What is it that makes you feel scared and vulnerable, throw a temper tantrum, act petty?

Getting back to the idea of balance, if you know what your triggers are, you can work with them consciously and therefore mitigate your own potentially volatile reactions. I’ve said before that I have a lot of triggers around money, but recently I realized that I’m already living one of my worst financial fears–being back at home with my parents and not knowing when my next paycheck is going to come along. I’ve actually been living this way for almost three years now. And you know what? It’s not that bad. Could things get worse? For sure, but what my mental, emotional, and physical triggers around money have taught me is that I can handle whatever comes along. This doesn’t help me LOVE my circumstances more, but it does help me ACCEPT them. This is huge because for the rest of my life it means I don’t have to freak out every time a circumstance is challenging.

It seems to me that a lot of life is freaking out about one thing or another–how much you weigh, how much money is in your bank account. I said recently that I’ve observed a number of supervisors backstage at musicals, and that some of them are rude and some of them are kind, but either way the work always gets done. The implication being, All things being equal, why not be kind? Along these lines, if life has taught you that you can handle whatever comes along and that everything is always fine in the end, why not stop freaking out? Or are you addicted to the drama? But seriously. So you’re weight’s up one day and down the next. So your bank account is too. You’re okay.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Whatever needs to happen, happens.

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On Acknowledging the Break (Blog #958)

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For the last few months I’ve been teaching dance to a couple who are about to be married. Tonight was our final lesson before their big day. Y’all, I honestly couldn’t be prouder. These two have come a long way. Granted, they still bump into each others’ feet now and then, but they keep going, and that’s the point. What’s more, they’ve put in enough time and effort to be able to concentrate on one of the finer aspects of dancing–not just properly executing the steps and patterns, but also interpreting the steps and patterns in such a way as to match their particular song.

I’ll explain.

When learning to dance, the priorities are, in order of importance, 1) getting the steps right, 2) being on beat, 3) communicating with your partner (with your body, not your mouth), and 4) proper technique. Under the category of proper technique are things like whether the heel or ball of your foot hits the ground first, whether or not your hips are moving, and which direction your head is looking. These are often subtle things, of course, but they’re not only what distinguishes one dance from another (for example, a box step can be done in both waltz and rumba, but in waltz the forward step is with the heel, and in rumba it’s with the ball–plus, the rhythm is different, but I digress), but also what distinguishes the more experienced dancer from the amateur. That is, the more experienced dancer has good technique; the amateur has poor technique.

What my wedding couple and I discussed tonight was that both interwoven in and beyond these four categories is something called musicality. As I think of it, musicality is about not only being on beat, but also about being on THIS SONG’S beat and not THAT SONG’s beat. What I mean is that you can dance east coast swing–the same steps, the same patterns–to Van Morrison’s “Moondance” and Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire,” but if someone were watching you dance on video and turned off the sound, the two dances should look distinctly different because each song has a different MOOD.

Along these lines, musicality is first about matching the ATTITUDE of a song. Keeping to my previous example, since “Moondance” is soft and laid-back, your dancing should be easy going–not frantic–if you’re dancing to it. Since “Great Balls of Fire” is upbeat and wild, your dancing should be energized and punchy if you’re dancing to it. If you don’t match the attitude of a song, something will inevitably feel and look “off.” Taking this idea a step further, something will inevitable feel and look “off” if you don’t match or at least compliment the nuances within a song. For example, often a song will have what’s called a “break,” usually 8 counts of music where some if not all of the instruments drop out but the lyrics continue. Well, musicality dictates that when the music stops, so should you. At the very least, you should stop what you’ve been doing and do something different. I think of this as ACKNOWLEDGING THE BREAK. Is it fine to IGNORE THE BREAK? Sort of. Your dance will still work. But will it work as well, will it be as magical as it could be?

No.

This is what my couple and I dove into tonight, the idea that because their song has an ATTITUDE of tenderness, everything they do should be soft and gentle. Like, don’t make any sudden moves. Next we discussed the idea that just as their song (like any song) has sections that are more or less emphasized (read: energized), their dancing should likewise be more or less energized during those sections. More power, less power. “Step on the gas here,” I told them. “Chill out here. Pause. Take a breath before you go anywhere.” Y’all, you should have seen the results. By simply MATCHING their ATTITUDES and MOVEMENTS to those implied within their specific song, my couple went from having a “nice” dance to a “lovely” dance.

A magical dance.

This afternoon I saw my therapist, and we discussed this idea of TIMING. It came up because I told her I had several projects on the back burner and would like to talk about which one might be best to tackle next. “We can do that,” she said, “but I’m thinking just chill out until the end of year.” This is something she’s been suggesting for a while now and something I’ve blogged about a number of times–slowing down, resting. And whereas I’ve agreed with these concepts in theory, the largest part of me has continued to be attached to the idea of go, go, going. But working with this couple of mine has really driven home for me the importance of the pause. Whether in dancing or life, the pause is absolutely necessary. Not only does it give you time to breathe, it also adds emphasis, mystery, suspense.

It’s why these one-sentence paragraphs work so well.

Crap. Did I just give away a secret?

More and more I realize that just as each song has it’s own attitude and nuances, so does each season and so does each life. What’s more, we’re best served when we can TUNE IN TO and MATCH both nature’s rhythms and our own. For example, this summer I couldn’t find it within me to start a diet. The sun was up all day, and I was too busy, too frantic. But now that fall is here and even the sun is resting, I’ve found it easier to slow down and focus on taking better care of myself. Along these lines, I’m getting more and more okay with the idea that this period in my life is about chilling out and not go, go, going. It’s about learning. It’s about transforming. I told my therapist today, “It doesn’t feel like I should step on the gas right now.” It doesn’t feel like I should fill every minute with an activity, every blank space with more than it was meant to handle.

So I’m not.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Stop buying your own bullshit.

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The Lost Art of Moseying (Blog #946)

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Earlier this week a friend called and asked if I wanted to ride with them to Tulsa today to pick up an antique lamp they recently dropped off to have repaired. And whereas I knew I’d be going to Tulsa tomorrow for both business and pleasure, I said, “Sure, I want to spend time with you.” The older I get, the more it’s important to me to spend time with the people who really count, even if it means getting up WAY earlier than usual, which I had to do this morning. Like, my alarm went off at seven, when it was still dark out. Y’all, I know my waking and sleeping hours are often turned upside down, but c’mon, it’s just arrogant getting up before the sun. What, you think you’re better than the center of our universe?

Despite my not being a morning person, believe it or not, I can–literally–rise to the occasion. Today I got myself together and managed to get to my friend’s on time. Well, fine. I was eight minutes late. And whereas my friend seemed a little put out, they quickly joked, “You’re ALWAYS late.” As my therapist would say, at least I’m consistent.

Marcus Coker–you can count on me to be there–five to ten minutes after I said I would be.

That’s me, predictable.

Thankfully, I wasn’t in charge of anything today. All I had to do was tag along and be a sidekick. Well, I take that back. I was in charge of deciding our lunch spot, but I ended up having some help. After my friend and I picked up their lamp and went somewhere else to buy a shade, we roamed around an antique store. The owner was super friendly, a real hoot. My friend said, “Your shop is freezing! I’d buy more if it were warmer.” The guy, who was wearing shorts despite the fact that it was fifty degrees outside (and inside I’m guessing), nearly died. Anyway, I asked him where we should eat. “Go to Vista at the Boathouse. It’s part of the Gathering Place [a new park],” he said. “I think you’ll say, ‘I’m glad we did this.'”

Boy was he ever right. My friend and I went to Vista at the Boathouse, and the atmosphere was great, the food fabulous. Just the right thing. After I downed two brisket tacos and a plateful of jerk chicken pasta, I wiped my lips, looked at my friend, and said, “I’m glad we did this.”

After lunch, my friend and I check out another antique store. And whereas I didn’t buy anything, I had fun strolling up and down every aisle, taking my sweet time.

Then we came back home.

Back in Fort Smith and still in the mood to shop, I visited ANOTHER antique store. This time I hit pay dirt. Well, sort of. I collect books and statues–and I found a bowl. I know, woo. But not just any bowl, a silver mid-century modern bowl with green enamel on the inside. Y’all, I kept thinking, I have absolutely no use for this. I don’t own a single mint or nut to put inside it. And yet every time I tried to walk away from this bowl, I couldn’t. I was simply spellbound by its shape, shine, and beauty. So I thought, What the hell, and bought it. After all, why must everything be useful or practical before I buy it? Isn’t it enough that something attracts me, that something mesmerizes me?

Yes, Marcus, yes it is.

One should be mesmerized now and then.

Now it’s 6:15, and I’m getting ready to have dinner with another friend, so I need to wrap this up. Yesterday I blogged about resting and slowing down, and I’m really trying to implement this by blogging sooner and not filling up every minute of every day. You know, I’m trying to breathe, to enjoy not only the main moments of my day but also the moments in between the main moments. Recently I made plans to have lunch with my aunt out of town and told her, “After we eat, I’ll mosey on home.” She said, “Moseying, that’s a lost art.” How true, how true. We rush around constantly, and yet there’s no hurry here in our universe. The sun takes an entire year to make its way around the sun, the sun and entire day to make its way across the heavens. All the more reason for us to pump the brakes, enjoy each other, and appreciate beauty wherever we can find it.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All the while, we imagine things should be different than they are, but life persists the way it is.

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On Resting and Experiencing Abundance (Blog #945)

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After posting yesterday’s blog, last night I went two-stepping. Talk about fun. There was a live band and everything. Today Facebook reminded me with a video that I was at this same venue, for the first time ever, a year ago. And whereas due to my knee injury and subsequent surgery this last December my dancing last night wasn’t what it was back then, I was still there, moving. I think this is important to remember, that just because you slow down doesn’t mean you have to quit. Just because your body changes doesn’t mean you have to stop doing the things you love.

Recently I told my therapist that a theme for me lately has been slowing down, chilling the eff out. My therapist was all for this and reminded me of one of her favorite sayings–don’t just do something, sit there. “Inaction is as powerful as action,” she said. “There are times when we simply need to rest and let things synthesize.” Nature knows this. Currently it’s fall, and the trees are shedding their leaves. For months they will appear to do nothing. However, come spring, look out, boy, they’ll be filled with life.

Last week I mentioned that you really don’t know what’s happening in terms of healing whenever your body’s sleeping. Along these lines, just because you can’t see signs of growth in nature during the fall and winter, doesn’t mean growth isn’t happening, and just because you’re not consciously DOING something doesn’t mean your subconscious isn’t. This idea has been on my mind a lot lately, that there’s more we don’t know than there is we do. We pray to the heavens and ask for help and then get upset when we don’t see immediate answers. But hasn’t it been your experience that God works in mysterious ways? For all you know, your answer could be being lined up for you, halfway around the world for that matter. Again, just because you can’t see something (an answer) doesn’t mean it’s not there or in the works.

The gods like surprises.

This afternoon I went out with a friend of mine for a late lunch, and we talked about financial concerns, which we both have, and job security, which neither of us have. Last night at the dance I told another friend, “I’m really trying to settle into this idea of abundance, not in the sense that I have to be flush with cash in every moment, but rather in the sense that the universe hasn’t forgotten about me and will always provide.” Well, tonight my friend and I got up to pay the bill, and the new girl at the register couldn’t find our ticket in the system. I don’t know about my friend, but I was thinking, Come on, sister, get your act together. I have to pee. The next thing I knew, the manager was there, and get this shit. She said, “Your ticket isn’t in the system because it’s already been paid for.”

My friend and I couldn’t figure this out. Neither of us knew anyone else in the restaurant. And yet someone picked up our tab. Either that, or there was a glitch in the system. Either way, we agreed, the universe did us a solid. And whereas normally when the universe picks up my tab my first thought is–That’s awesome, but what about the rest of my bills?–tonight I was simply grateful. Whenever I get in a tizzy about money, my therapist asks me, “Do you have money in your pocket, even five dollars? Do you have a roof over your head and gas in your car?”

“Yes,” I always reply.

“Then you’re being provided for,” she says. “By the majority of the world’s standards, you’re rich.”

More and more, I’m encouraged to bring the idea of abundance home to today. Like, today I was able to slow down, to rest. Today I ate a delicious meal I didn’t pay for. Today I enjoyed the company of a dear friend, absent any disagreement or strife. Today I was safe, supported, and encouraged.

Yes, today I experienced abundance.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Getting comfortable in your own skin takes time.

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Life Isn’t Complicated (Blog #939)

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WTF? I’ve been tired all day. This morning I woke up at ten, then went back to sleep until noon. Then I ate breakfast, read a book, and took a two hour nap until four-thirty. Now it’s 10:15, and I’m about to fall out of the chair I’m sitting in. Seriously, I don’t know what the deal is. I can barely keep my eyes open. I hope I’m not dying. That would suck. I’m sure I’m not. Don’t send flowers just yet. Other than being tired, I feel fine. Exhausted, worn out, and run down (and as long as I’m being honest, irritated about it all), but fine.

Recently I heard Caroline Myss say that the thing we all have in common is that life isn’t working out for us like we want it to. Ain’t that the truth, Ruth? Take today, for example. I’d wanted to read more and exercise (I’m trying to get in shape here), but my body said no. This is mostly why I’m irritated. Because I had plans but haven’t been able to do them. Currently I’m house sitting and have some chores to do, but–quite frankly–I’m not sure they’re going to happen. Unless, of course, one of the chores is “snore.”

Lately I’ve been exploring the idea of slowing down and being okay with it, and clearly I’ve still got some work to do. That is, I’m fine with slowing down in theory, but slowing down in practice is more difficult. At least for more than half an hour. I suppose this is because I get such a good feeling when I’m being productive and, thus, my self-esteem is tied up in my being busy. I don’t feel worthless when I’m lying around, but I do feel worth less. Granted, there’s nothing wrong with accomplishing things, but there’s also nothing wrong with not accomplishing things. Especially when “not accomplishing things” means taking care of your body and soul.

Several times since I started therapy, my therapist has had to postpone or cancel my appointments due to her being sick or a family member being sick. Once she had to take off for a number of weeks. “I can’t be present with myself and my loved ones and still be present with my clients,” she explained, “so I need some time off. I preach self-care to others, and I intend to practice what I preach.” I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I run a blog about self-care, and although I think I do well with the mental aspect of health, I don’t do so well with the physical. Whenever my body asks me to rest, I usually say, “Okay, but let me get some work done first.” No wonder my body occasionally slams on the brakes.

As I see it, my body being tired is an opportunity for me to practice what I’ve been preaching lately–slowing down and being okay with it. I imagine I’ll gain a hundred pounds if I don’t exercise today, but the truth is I won’t and there will be plenty of time for exercising later. I imagine I have to get all my chores done tonight, but the truth is I have all weekend. Or even next week if I need it. One of the things I need to do is mow the lawn, but because it’s been raining nonstop for two days I couldn’t mow the lawn even if I felt like it. I’ve said a number of times that “things happen when they happen” and that I believe in divine timing, so now’s my chance to act like it. Life isn’t complicated. How do I know I need to rest now? I’m tired.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All the while, we imagine things should be different than they are, but life persists the way it is.

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On Constantly Being Productive (Blog #937)

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This morning I saw my therapist, and we discussed the idea of me slowing down, chilling the hell out. This came up because–as a general rule–I always feel like I need to be DOING more. Like if something isn’t happening in my life, I think it’s my fault, because I haven’t DONE enough. “That’s a real self-centered thing to think,” my therapist has said in the past. Alas, I can’t seem to shake the notion that if I only knew more or worked harder, the stars would align, the flowers would blossom, and the birds would sing. Okay, so I see my therapist’s point. Clearly there are plenty of things in this universe that are outside of my control.

I hate that.

A couple weeks ago I wrote that one reason we need to slow done is to give the things in our life a chance to integrate. Today my therapist said something similar. Stretching her arms wide she said, “Marcus, you have ALL THIS KNOWLEDGE in your head, and it needs time to settle, the way water needs time to settle into the soil whenever you water a plant.” Admittedly, I have a tough time with this, doing nothing, resting. I don’t know where or how it started, but I’m a do-er. A go-go-go-er. A burn-the-candle-at-both-ends-er. And yes, I know what happens when you burn the candle at both ends.

My dad’s told me a thousand times.

Today my therapist said, “One pattern that you’re still really stuck in is constantly being productive.” Boy is she ever right. If I’m not actively working, I’m normally busy learning–reading a book, listening to a podcast–or otherwise trying to improve myself. Hell, even when I watch television I’m usually thinking about the stories from a writer’s perspective. My therapist suggested I do more of what I did this last Sunday–watch television for fun. “Just sit there,” she said. “One day you’ll be so busy working and traveling or whatever that you’ll WISH you had all the free time you have now, so I suggest enjoying the hell out of your life as it is. Shit, I wish I had enough time to get my nails done, but I’m too busy.”

I think this is really important to remember. We imagine that our lives will be better when, but the truth is that even if certain things improve (like our jobs), there’s always a price to pay. Less time for loved ones or getting our nails done. I’ve tried to be more conscious of this today, the idea that I won’t always be able to do the things I take for granted now. This afternoon I drove thirty minutes out of my way to try a new restaurant. After I finished eating, I stayed and spent an hour reading. Then I poked around at a used bookstore and found a book I’ve been looking for all summer. This evening I taught a dance lesson and stuck around after my clients left to dance by myself like I used to when I owned my own studio. These things put me in the best mood, perhaps because I was letting myself rest from being productive, perhaps because I was aware that moments like these won’t always be available.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You've really got to believe in yourself and what you're doing. Again, it comes down to integrity and making something solid of yourself, something that's so well-built on the inside that it can handle any storm.

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