Stop, Stop, Stop (Blog #807)

It’s ten-thirty in the morning, and–believe it or not–I’ve been awake and functioning for four hours. That’s right, my alarm clock, whose tone this entire week has been set to “whining beagle,” went off at six-thirty. So after dragging myself out of bed and walking the dog, rather than going back to sleep, I stayed up. I know, weird. First I went to the bank, then the grocery store, then the convenience store. Then I unloaded the dishwasher, made breakfast, and surfed the internet. Currently–obviously–I’m writing. Granted, I wrote fewer than twelve hours ago, but my reasoning in both being active and writing this morning is that if I get stuff done now I won’t have to do it later.

Original, genius, I know.

Granted, writing this early in the day, after so little sleep, still means that I’m writing tired the way I do late at night. This is okay. I enjoy that foggy, dreamy feeling that comes along with being tired. It’s easier to be creative. I have less of a filter. My walls are down. Whatever ideas want to come and go–can. We’re all free here. Plus, by writing earlier, I’ll have the rest of the day to myself. A wide-open calendar. Whatever wants to happen can happen. Let’s hear it for spontaneity. Adventure awaits me.

Of course, by adventure I mean probably a book or a nap. Seriously, I think if you get up at six-thirty in the morning, you’ve pretty much got to take a nap. I mean, if you’re over thirty. Last night, about midnight, I started the dishwasher before I went to bed, and this morning realized it was still running. My parents’ dishwasher does this sometimes–doesn’t shut off when the cycle is over. Instead, it just goes and goes. And whereas this produces some rather sparkling dishes, it’s no way for a dishwasher, or a human, to live.

You’ve simply got to take a break.

Taking a break sounds like a wonderful idea. This morning while walking the dog I thought about how for months I was consistent with my knee rehab exercises but have slacked off the last couple weeks. I’ve been telling myself that I’ve just had a lot going on. And whereas this is true, I could make time to rehab if I truly wanted to. There’s always time for the things you really want. But the fact is I need a rest from rehab. For days, weeks, and months I’ve been going back and forth to physical therapy and the gym, working my butt off, and I’ve had enough. Not forever, but for now. Likewise, I was thinking about how much time and energy this blog consumes and about how once I reach my goal of writing daily for three years, I’ll be “so ready” to do something else. Like sit on the couch and eat Cheetos.

For the sake of balance, of course.

By balance I mean that you can’t go, go, go all the time. At some point you’ve got to stop, stop, stop.

Like I am now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"You can't change your age, but you can change what your age means to you."

More Listening (Blog #596)

Last night I slept well. Better than great. This morning I had a delightful breakfast, visited with my dad, and worked on organizing old photos. Then I read for maybe thirty minutes and took a nap because I was for whatever reason dog-tired. The nap was wonderful. Amazing really. Still, I woke up exhausted.

Pushing myself a bit, I went for a walk. Let’s move around, I thought. A little fresh air can’t hurt. So that’s what I did. Then I came back home, read a little more, and had dinner. Mom made chicken and rice. Yum.

Now it’s 9:15, and I’m still zapped. I’m not sure what it is. I’m not sick, I just don’t have much oomph. I don’t know, maybe we really are meant to sleep more in the winter. Personally, I’m starting to believe this getting dark early business is the universe’s way of saying, “Turn the lights off, damn it. Go to bed. Sleep.”

Earlier I tried blogging from my laptop, but my internet connection was bad, and I couldn’t upload tonight’s photo or save anything. After ten minutes of this nonsense, I finally gave up. Stop fighting, I thought. Use your phone.

So that’s what I’m doing.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve fought with my laptop and internet connection since starting this blog. The number of times I’ve forced myself to stay awake in order get this done. It’s all been my choice, of course, but it’s been exhausting. Plus, much of it was while I was sick with a chronic sinus infection or the flu. Like, my body’s been through a lot this last year, and on top of everything, I was push, push, pushing it to do more.

So dark at four in the afternoon or not, no wonder my body wants to rest.

I’m trying to do my best to listen. To not push through, to not force myself, and to not freak out and assume something is terribly wrong. I’m dying. I have a disorder. Instead, I’m just trying to listen and not complicate things. My body wants to rest. My body wants to relax. It’s that simple.

In response to this simple information, I’m about to end this and get ready for bed. For me, this will be is a small but powerful act of self-care. Less fighting. Less pushing. More listening to myself.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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I believe that God is moving small universes to communicate with me and with all of us, answering prayers and sending signs in unplanned moments, the touch of a friend's hand, and the very air we breathe.

"

One Little Thing (Blog #535)

Last night while star-spotting, I found Coathanger for the first time. Coathanger is an asterism (a group of stars that only WISHES it were an official constellation) that looks like a coat hanger (duh). Only visible through binoculars, Coathanger is located between Altair and Vega, two of the three stars in the Summer Triangle, which is also an asterism. Anyway, after driving out-of-town to the darkest spot I could find and panning the Summer Triangle with my binoculars for a few minutes, I finally found it. There it was–clear as day.

Er–clear as night, I guess.

I can’t tell you how excited I was about finding Coathanger, despite the fact that it was the only new star arrangement I clearly identified last night. I actually squealed out loud. Sure–it was just one little thing, but it WAS one little thing.

In yesterday’s blog I mentioned that I was going to try to get to bed EARLIER, exercise MORE, and drink beer and coffee LESS. Well, it’s twenty-four hours later, and that’s what I’ve done. After stargazing last night, I gave myself a bedtime–lights out by one in the morning. Oh my gosh, y’all, I slept great and actually woke up with a “certain amount” of enthusiasm. When I came bounding into the kitchen at ten-thirty with a smile on my face, Dad said, “What are YOU doing up?”

At breakfast I gave myself another “boundary”–no coffee after noon–since I read in Why We Sleep that caffeine has a half-life of seven hours, meaning that seven hours after you consume caffeine, fifty percent of it is still in your system. (I also read that caffeine doesn’t tell your body to wake up, but rather blocks the receptor sites in your brain and body that receive a self-produced chemical that tells your body to go to sleep.) Anyway, science is science and facts are facts, and I’ve decided that in light of the science and facts with which I’ve been presented, it clearly won’t do to keep consuming pints of coffee at all hours of the afternoon and evening.

So wish me luck.

For exercise today, I went for a walk/jog. And whereas I got home and my stomach STILL looked the same as it did before I left, I’m telling myself that’s okay–my goal is to be in better shape by the spring. That’s two seasons or twenty-four weeks away, which I figure is plenty of time to see results if I simply make several small, positive changes and STICK TO THEM. I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes, but I usually have a sense of when I’m “serious” about things, and it feels like I am.

It’s time for something different.

Today I read that during NREM (non rapid eye movement) sleep, your brain decides what’s important– what to keep and what to throw or away, what to move from short-term to long-term memory. (REM sleep is when your brain INTEGRATES what’s kept with what’s already there.) So after reading about this throw-away/keep process, I applied it to my Amazon Wish List, the place that for the last eight years I’ve collected hundreds of titles of books that have peaked my interest. Come on, Marcus, I thought, there’s NO WAY you’re ever going to read all these things. (This is called being honest with yourself.) PLUS, dozens of them don’t even look interesting anymore. So I deleted maybe half of them, which still left me with more books than I could possibly read even if reading were my full-time occupation.

It’s effective because it’s consistent.

What I like about the way NREM sleep works is that–ideally–it happens EVERY DAY (er–night). Like brushing your teeth or taking the trash out, it’s effective not because it’s this HUGE thing, but rather because it’s consistent. So I’m telling myself that I can be consistent too–about taking simple healthy actions, about periodically getting rid of what’s no longer useful, beneficial, or interesting. And whereas the process of change is often overwhelming to me, I’m trying to approach it as I approach learning about the stars, asterisms, and constellations–one little thing at a time, one little thing at a time.

[Astronomy screenshots by the Stellarium app. In the first one, Coathanger is labeled along the line between Altair and Vega. In the second one, you can still see Altair on the left, then Coathanger (unlabeled) on the right. HINT: There’s a big red circle around it.]

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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It’s hard to say where a kindness begins or ends.

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