Despite the Plague (Blog #722)

Last night, before my dad and I went to the gym, I wrote about how my friend Marla said I was “very loyal” to this blog and how the worst thing a person could do would be tie me up in a room and keep me from posting for a day. I said, “NOOOOOO.” Then, for the first time since starting this blog almost two years ago, I forgot to hit “publish.” Ironic, I know. This morning Marla wrote and said, “I can’t find yesterday’s blog. Did someone kidnap you?” Thankfully, I told her, no. And I did write. I just spaced out and forgot to share it.

But I did share it this morning, and here it is.

For the last three weeks, I’ve had an off-and-on sinus infection. A couple days ago, I felt like a million bucks and was sure I had it beat. But then this morning I woke up full-blown sick with all the mucus. (And I didn’t even eat dairy yesterday.) Despite all my tricks and potions, I’ve continued to feel sick all day–tired, gross, disgusting. Additionally, my head hurts. It’s like the skin around my skull has shrunk, is shrinking. I’m doing my best not to whine here. These are just the facts.

Excuse me while I hack up a lung.

Despite The Plague, it’s been a pleasant day. Like, no one has died (that I know of). Actually, this morning my mom got some good news about her heart. A recent echocardiogram showed a potential problem, but today she found out it was “moderate” and not “severe.” As I understand it, this means medication and not surgery. So that’s good. Then this afternoon I did some writing research, which was fun, and my family and I went out to Western Sizzlin’ (giddy up), which was tasty. Then I took a nap and watched several episodes of Soap, an old sitcom I’ve been into lately that starred Katherine Helmond and Billy Crystal. Crystal’s role, Jodie Dallas, was television’s first openly gay character. Anyway, I laughed out loud tonight when one of the characters, Burt, a real ham, stuck his hand directly in a chocolate cake because he thought there might be a bomb in it. Perhaps you would have had to have been there. But my point is–you can be sick without being miserable.

Not that this is an easy thing to do. All day, when I haven’t been distracted, I’ve been worried that this sinus infection will never go away. That all the things I’ve been doing have just pissed it off and that it will never get better. Today my aunt said, “Have you tried a neti pot?” Oh my god, have I tried a neti pot! A thousand times I’ve tried a neti pot. This is the deal when I’m sick. It feels like I’ve TRIED EVERYTHING and that NOTHING WORKS. Of course, I know this isn’t true. After all, this is a big world with lots of solutions, and I’ve stumbled across some wonders before. So we’ll see what happens. My current plan is to give myself the weekend to be sick and gross. If I don’t improve, I can come up with a plan next week. I’m telling myself–

You don’t have to mount a defense this very instant.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"I believe we're all courageous, and I believe that no one is alone."

On Ups and Downs (Blog #720)

This morning I had coffee with my friend Marla, and she mentioned that I’ve been “very loyal” to this blog. “For sure, I’m committed,” I said. Then Marla said, “If someone wanted to torture you, they could lock you in a room for a day so you couldn’t write.”

NOOOOOOOO.

Later when Marla asked what I was doing this afternoon and I said, “Not a damn thing,” she said, “I can’t imagine that.” I said, “I’ve had a lot of practice.” I guess Marla’s a go-go-goer like I was for most of my life. Of course, things have been, um, more laid-back these last two years. My calendar is full of empty days, days without a schedule. Sometimes I tell people I’m preparing for retirement. And whereas not having a million things to do occasionally bothers me, I think I’ve finally learned to enjoy my freedom.

You can get used to anything.

Lately, thanks to a meditation practice I recently started, I’ve noticed how much tension I carry in my body and soul on a moment-to-moment basis. I’ve said before that I’m often nervous or anxious, anything but calm and relaxed. My physical body mirrors this. My shoulders are usually tight or raised. It’s like part of me is always on alert, ready for a fight. Perhaps defensive would be a good way to describe how I frequently feel. A lot of times I fantasize about telling people off or “having my day in court.” I’m assuming people who have resolved their inner and outer tensions don’t do this. (I could be wrong.) My point is that when you live this way for years and years (decades), you don’t think of it as abnormal because–for you–it’s the way life is. But I’m learning that just as you can get used to tension, you can get used to whatever the opposite of tension is.

After having an abundantly good day and feeling like a million bucks (or at least a hundred thousand bucks) yesterday, I’ve felt sick again today. Not awful, but not great either. The Mucus came back. And whereas I’m really getting tired of this roller coaster of a sinus infection (up one day, down the next), I’m glad my body hasn’t completely given in (down every day). Plus, I had the thought that life is often like the movie Groundhog Day. That is, perhaps when we live the same day or circumstance over and over again, it’s because we still have something to learn from it. For example, two of the days in the last week that I’ve woken up with a head full of mucus, I’d had ice cream the night before. Maybe this is something I need to take note of.

Eat ice cream in the morning.

But seriously, there’s always something more to learn. And yes, I hate that. I really wish I could check “healthy sinuses” off my to-do list. But we all have those things in our lives that continue to stretch us, to teach us patience, kindness, or compassion. Or simply how to accept this present moment, which without question is different than the one before. This is something I’ve been learning as I’ve been meditating on tension and paying particular attention to my physical aches and pains–nothing is constant. Even pain isn’t constant. Yes, I know that for some people it doesn’t go away, but it still shifts. One minute it’s hot and throbbing, the next minute it’s cold and stiff. Pain, like everything else in life, is a roller coaster.

The truth is everything in life is impermanent. Don’t like what you’re going through? It’ll change. LIKE what you’re going through? It’ll change. As loyal as I’ve been to the this blog, there will come a day when it will end. There will come a day when my sinus infections will end, even if it’s when I do. Because I will end, just as you will. Not to be morbid, but it’s the truth. Everything that has a beginning, has an ending. This includes creative projects, health problems, human beings, and even universes. Perhaps the best we can do while we are here is to enjoy this ride–with its inevitable ups and downs, delights and terrors, and moments of tension and release.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you want to find a problem, you will.

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Deflated, but Not Defeated (Blog #718)

Ick. Gross. This morning I woke up full of snot. Boo. Hiss. I guess the sinus infection I’ve been battling for the last week has come charging back. (I really thought I had it licked.) Down with this sort of thing. I don’t have any energy. Shit.

If it’s not obvious, I’m frustrated. I hate sinus infections (I’ve had a lot of them). But more than being frustrated, I’m fearful. That is, since I had a sinus infection that lasted for three months last year, I’m afraid this one will turn into something like that, something that will go on and on and never go away no matter what I try (I’ve tried a million things). Granted, the probiotic I’ve been using off-and-on this week has helped more than anything else (both historically and lately), so maybe I just need to be more consistent, stick with it for several days (the site that told me about it says to stop when you feel better). Only time will tell.

Because of my body’s current condition, I tried to take it easy today. I took a nap, read a book. It’s eight in the evening now, and I’m blogging so that I can pass out whenever my body’s ready. Normally I’d force myself to stay awake and write or go to the gym, which I still can’t decide if I feel like doing today or not. Every so often I get a slight surge in energy and think, Sure, I could run a mile. (Just one mile.) Then my energy dips and I think, Screw that, I’m not leaving this couch.

Let’s get right to the deep stuff. Normally when I don’t feel well, part of me goes into attack mode. That is, I treat my illness like an enemy. My muscles tense up. I spend hours on the internet trying to figure out how to heal. And whereas I have found some helpful hints over the years, this is exhausting. As if being sick weren’t bad enough, and then I push-push-push. So today I’ve tried a different approach–acceptance. Not that I’m not taking my probiotic and all-the-vitamins–I am–but several times today I’ve made a point to lie still, breathe deeply, and BE SICK, to feel worn out, tired, deflated, frustrated, vulnerable, and afraid. And although nothing miraculous has happened, it has been healing (on the inside) to recognize the fact that there are a lot of emotions here, to not–for once–ask myself to feel any differently than I do.

The other deep thing today is that I’ve realized my body is trying. My body is doing the best it can. I’m sure I’ve said this before and didn’t really mean it. Or maybe I just didn’t mean it as much as I do now. The point is, I was thinking about how I’ve woken up a number of days this week full of the crud, but have woken up just as many days this week refreshed and feeling quite fine, dramatically better than I was the night before. This tells me something is going on. I picture it as a war–the good bacteria versus the bad bacteria–with each side winning its occasional battle. (Obviously I’m pulling for the good guys.) Regardless, that’s what I get from this one-day-better/one-day-worse pattern. My body clearly hasn’t given up. It’s trying.

For me, these two things–acceptance of what is and the acknowledgment that my body is trying–are enough to keep me from throwing in the proverbial towel. In other words, I still have hope. Yes, I feel deflated, but not defeated.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Things are only important because we think they are.

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With Practice (Blog #715)

Praise the sweet baby Jesus. After feeling like crap for the last few days, as of this morning–and I do mean morning–I feel better. Once again, the credit goes to the miraculous probiotic/bacteria L. Sakei, which I received a new batch of in the mail yesterday afternoon and used three times before going to bed last night. No shit, y’all, I woke up at four this morning bright-eyed and ready to go. I eventually fell back asleep, but talk about getting your energy back. The previous two nights I woke up hot and sweaty. But as of four, I’ve been back to my normal-temperature self. Fingers crossed this trend continues.

This afternoon I went to Fort Smith to see my chiropractor and massage therapist, as well as to return a pair of crutches I borrowed from a friend over three months ago when I injured my left knee. Boy, did giving those suckers back feel good. For nearly a month I needed them to traverse even the shortest of distances, but this evening when I went to the gym, I was able to jog on the treadmill for twenty minutes, unassisted! (I mean, crutches on a treadmill would be totally awkward.) But, eeek, I really have come a long way. That being said, I may have overdone it on the treadmill. My knee was a bit swollen when I got home, so I had to ice it. Oh well, I guess it’s normal to have little setbacks.

Little setbacks. That’s what I consider the sinus infections that have creeped up on me lately. And whereas part of me is frustrated that I’ve had to deal with them at all, another part of me is thrilled because what used to last anywhere from seven to fourteen days (or more) is now over in forty-eight to seventy-two hours. Plus, my former sinus infections often involved doctors, prescriptions, and multiple swipes of my credit card. But now I’m knocking these things out from the privacy of my own home for a mere thirty-five bucks (the cost of the probiotic) or less (if I have some of the product left over). So maybe my sinuses aren’t perfectly healed or “normal” like everyone else’s (whatever that means), but THIS IS HUGE PROGRESS.

HUGE.

Whenever I have a health setback, I’m reminded what a blessing good health is. This afternoon when I dropped the crutches off I borrowed, my friend and her husband and I visited for over an hour and a half. Not once was there an awkward pause or did I think, I wonder what we’ll talk about next. Rather, we laughed and laughed. Seriously, it was one of the best times I’ve had lately. All thanks–I kind of hate to admit–to my hurting my knee.

So you know, silver linings.

But really, when you’ve been sick and finally feel better, there’s so much joy in the simplest of things–visiting with friends, going to the gym, watching a television program (which I did before starting tonight’s blog). It’s like, Hey, I feel good. I’m ALIVE. What can I do now?

After having sinus infections for decades and finally finding something that works, what I can say is that “it gets easier.” What I mean is that–apparently–it’s not that I’m never going to get a sinus infection again. But having done the hard work in terms of seeing doctors and doing no small amount of internet research, I now know what to do about them. Likewise, I know what to do when it comes to my knee rehab. Again, not that it’s fun or pleasant, but it’s less intimidating than it was when it first happened because I’ve walked–or more accurately hopped, lurched, and scooted–this road before. This thought applies to the work I’ve done in therapy too. Over the last five years, I’ve gotten a lot of practice setting boundaries, having confrontations, speaking my truth, and listening to my gut. And whereas I wish I never had to have a difficult talk ever again, that’s not realistic. But since I’ve done it before, I know I can do it again. Indeed, with practice, anything gets easier.

Want something to get easier? You know what to do.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Help is always on the way.

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On Cutting Your Losses (Blog #714)

A few weeks ago I filled a small bowl full of water and pink Himalayan sea salt so I could dip my elbow in it. I read online it could help psoriasis. Laugh if you want to, but the psoriasis on my elbow went away. Granted, I was trying a number of things–when it comes to my health I like the shotgun approach–but who’s to say the pink sea salt didn’t help? Anyway, since the problem disappeared, that little bowl of salt water has simply sat on my bathroom counter. Well, I guess the water evaporated, and, y’all, the coolest thing happened. The salt deposited itself around the inside and outside of the bowl like frosting. And whereas it’s just a minor thing, I think it’s beautiful, this little art project that slowly and steadily took shape.

Slowly and steadily, that seems to be a theme for me lately, in terms of my writing, in terms of my knee rehab, and more. Ugh. Things take forever here on earth. Nothing happens as fast as you want it to. So many days it feels like you’re going nowhere. But then one day you wake up and your psoriasis is gone or there’s gorgeous salt-covered bowl in your bathroom. You think, I’ll be damned. When did THAT happen?

When I woke up this morning, I felt like crud. My sinus junk was as bad as it’s been in over a year. But then I got up, got around, and took a shower and felt better, almost human. A fresh batch of the probiotic powder (L. Sakei) that’s always helped in the past arrived in the mail today, so I’m hoping it will help turn things around over the next day or two. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably cry. I’m trying to not think about it, to just take this one day at a time. I’ll let you know how it goes.

This afternoon a small miracle occurred. A couple weeks ago I started reading a 700-page book about neuroscience and why humans behave the way they do. I got through about a hundred pages. And whereas I found the information interesting, I also found it laborious. Then today when I picked the book back up, despite my best efforts to concentrate, my eyes kept glossing over. I thought, This is so fucking boring. Why would I want to slug through 600 more pages of this crap? So I put it down–for good. That’s right, I gave myself permission to not complete something–not by default but on purpose. This is huge, as I tend to hold a certain amount of guilt over books I didn’t finish years ago. (I can still see their covers in my head.) But seriously, if the author couldn’t make their topic interesting in a hundred freakin’ pages, I can’t take all the blame for being bored and wanting to do something else with my life.

After I put the book away (be gone, boring book!) I started another one by Bill Bryson, about Australia. My friend and fellow writer Tom told me about it. Holy crap, y’all, I was laughing out loud within the first five pages. Then a movie stub fell out of the back of the book that was dated September 13, my birthday. So between the laughter and this coincidence, I thought, Okay, I’ve made the right decision. Of course, I didn’t need these “signs” to let me know that. My gut had been barking at me for the last twenty pages of that boring book to put it down. But I kept thinking, I’ve already started. I should finish this.

Bullshit.

Sometimes you just have to walk away. My mom did this today while on hold with some company. After fifteen minutes of waiting, she hung up. “That’s enough,” she said. And whereas part of me was appalled (because you should finish what you started), another part of me was in awe. After all, I’d never suggest that someone stay in a bad relationship simply because they’ve invested so much time in it. I’d say, “Cut your losses, get the hell out.” So why can’t that wisdom be applied to any bad relationship–with a book, a phone call, whatever?

Be gone, bad relationship!

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All things become ripe when they’re ready.

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I Like This Person (Blog #713)

Well crap. Yesterday I said my sinuses were on the upswing, but I apparently spoke too soon. I hate it when that happens. This morning I woke up hot, and although I don’t have a fever, I’ve felt crummy all day, low energy. Now it’s six in the evening, and I’m trying my level best to get all my “chores” finished so that I can take a nap and not have to worry about doing anything when I wake up. I’m hoping a nap will help, but sometimes sleep is the worst, especially with sinus problems. It’s just a matter of gravity. Everything runs to your head.

Ick.

I’ve spent the afternoon trying all my home remedies. I thought the kimchi I’ve been using was helping, but it’s possible that it’s out of date and no longer contains the bacteria I need. But working from the wisdom of “there’s more than one way to skin a cat,” I’ve been taking a few other supplements, as well as drinking a lot of fluids. And whereas part of me is terrified and thinks I’m going to end up being sick for months like I was last year, another part of me is rational and thinks, Just give it a few days before you start freaking out. A lot can happen in a few days.

Yeah, that first part of me responds, you could get the flu, like that friend of yours got. Remember her? You were standing right beside each other!

Let’s talk about something else before I scare myself to death.

Earlier this week I began the long process of going back and re-reading all my blog posts. And whereas I initially read them in random order, last night I went back and started from post number one. Oh my gosh, y’all, I completely spilled my guts. After decades of being silent or indirect about my sexuality and almost everything else in my personal life, I just put it out there. You can read it for yourself, but I basically said, “I’m here, I’m queer, and I like waffles.” Reading the post last night, I thought, Well, that was brave. Recently when I was being hard on myself for not having a real job “like everybody else,” my therapist said, “If you were looking objectively at yourself from the outside, what would you say?” I paused then replied, “I’d say I really admire that person for following his dream. He’s got a lot of balls.”

“Thank you,” she replied.

Being courageous means taking action despite being afraid.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn–look how brave I am! But reading my first post and answering my therapist’s question really did come as a shock to me. I spend so much time worrying and being afraid, about my health and life in general, that I rarely if ever stop to consider that I am simultaneously being courageous. Because I do think fear and courage can exist at the same time. Indeed, one must first be fearful before they can be courageous. This is why no one ever says they courageously put their shoes on. Who’s afraid of putting on their shoes? No, being courageous means taking action despite being afraid.

After I read my first post, I read several others. Posts two through nine to be specific. For the most part, this was like looking through an old scrapbook. I thought, Oh yeah, I remember that. I laughed, I cried, I noticed a few typos. I did not, however, get self-critical, as I often do when, for example, looking back at old dance videos. Rather, I thought, I’m proud of this.

Later, while hanging up laundry, another thought popped into my head. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it was like I was thinking about myself as if I were someone else, from an objective viewpoint like my therapist suggested. Anyway, I thought, I like this person.

I like this person because he’s brave.
I like this person because he’s smart.
I like this person because he’s funny. (I’m pretty funny.)
I like this person because he’s a handsome devil.

But seriously. I like this person. This really was a big deal. Not a revelation, per say, but a significant acknowledgment. I like me. Not that I DISLIKED myself before last night, but I’ve spent a lot of time disliking certain things about myself (from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet), and that’s essentially the same thing. So it was an important reminder that I actually like and enjoy a million things about me, regardless of how healthy or sick I am, regardless of how big my waistline is. Now I’m reminding myself that whenever I’m being self-critical I’m talking about somebody I like, somebody I care about–and that’s not okay.

So knock it off, me

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Kindness is never a small thing."

The Slow Grow (Blog #712)

Things that happened today–

1. I felt better

After two days of feeling crummy, this morning I woke up feeling normal. I credit the miracle probiotic (L. Sakei), which is found in kimchi (or sold online as a powder) and that I started using yesterday. I know it’s weird, swabbing the inside of my nostrils with fermented cabbage juice, but in twenty years of dealing with sinus infections, it’s the only thing I’ve found that reliably works. So who cares if it’s weird? I’m grateful for it. Not only has this little critter (probiotics are living creatures, after all) solved my sinus problems, it’s also given me a great deal of hope. That is, I’ve been reminded that even longstanding problems can–one day–be solved.

2. I saw my therapist

This morning I saw my therapist and–because I was curious–asked her about something I heard on a podcast recently. The podcast was about a poker player who was really good at what he did. That is, he could read people. Consequently, he’d come to the conclusion that most people were shitty. So I asked my therapist, “You’ve got a good gut. You can read people. What do you think about humanity?”

My therapist said, “I think most people take the easiest way forward and choose to not really take a look at themselves or their maladaptive patterns. Unfortunately, social media and western culture give people every bit of encouragement to indulge their worst behaviors. But I have hope in general that people are capable of change and growth.” Then she paused and added, “And all that shit is hard to do.”

3. I spent time with my family

After therapy, I picked my aunt up, who’d been out-of-town visiting two of our extended family members that I personally hadn’t seen until today in probably fifteen years. Anyway, the four of us met to eat and catch up. Oh my gosh, y’all, one of my relatives (whom I call an aunt but is technically a cousin twice removed) said I sound like my grandpa when I laugh. Talk about making my day. My grandpa’s no longer alive, but it was the perfect reminder that some things, certain connections and relationships, go beyond life and death.

4. I got stuff done before the sun went down

After I dropped my aunt off at her house, I came home and started being productive doing laundry. Then I sat down to do this blog. Now I’m almost finished, and there’s still a little light outside. This almost never happens. Usually I don’t get started working until late at night, and then it’s go-go-go. And whereas I’m okay with this pattern, my body often falls into bed completely exhausted. So perhaps tonight I can adopt a more leisurely pace and get stuff done without crashing later. More and more, I’m learning there’s no reason to wear yourself out. You can take your time and still make progress. My therapist calls this “the slow grow.”

5. I learned a new saying

While my aunt and I were driving home this afternoon, she said something I’ve never heard before, that life’s pretty good if you don’t weaken. To me this means that life is amazing. It’s filled with long-waited-for relief, kindness, laughter, and connections that last beyond the grave. At the same time, life’s not for sissies. More times than any of us would like, we have to hang in and, as Wilson Phillips says, hold on for one more day. Hell, for one more year (or decade). Often our progress seems to be two steps forward and one step back. The slow grow. That’s fine. There’s no hurry here. What’s important is that life persists, that we persist.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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A mantra: Not an asshole, not a doormat.

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The Puzzle of Our Lives (Blog #711)

I was grouchy all day yesterday, critical of myself and others. This is often the first sign that I’m not feeling well, that something is off in my body. Sure enough, I woke up sick this morning. And whereas it wasn’t full-blown awful, it was the start of another sinus infection. Shit, I thought, I just dealt with this two weeks ago. Like feeling sorry for yourself makes any difference. Life does what it does.

This afternoon I saw my chiropractor and massage therapist, who both worked on my shoulders, where I apparently have a pinched nerve. Thankfully, I think whatever they did helped. The random pains I’ve been feeling haven’t been coming as fast and furious since I left their office. “Come back later this week,” my chiropractor said. “Let’s get this done and over with.”

Let’s get this done and over with. And all god’s people said Amen. Along these lines, after I left the chiropractor’s office, I ordered more of the probiotic powder I use to help my sinus infections (online) and bought some more kimchi (at a grocery store), which I also use to help my sinus infections. (What I had at home had expired.) As these two products have worked reliably in the past, I plan on hitting them hard for the next few days, in addition to eating well and trying (trying) to get plenty of rest. Fingers crossed. Let’s get this done and over with.

I spent this evening at the local library. I’ve been meaning for almost a year now to go back and re-read all my blog posts, and since I’m coming up on two solid years of blogging, I figured now was a good time to start. Oh my gosh, y’all, I talk a lot. Tonight I re-read forty-two blog posts (in no particular order), and it took me just under three hours. So this project’s going to take a while. But already it’s been the best thing, a reminder of my good and bad days, the people I love and love not-so-much, and where and how I’ve grown. Every day I sit down at this computer and am literally two feet from the screen. Then, it’s one post at a time, one day at time. My point is that it’s easy to lose perspective, to get so close to your own life that you don’t see what’s happening. So I’m looking forward to standing back and getting a bird’s-eye view of these last two years.

It’s important, I think, to get some distance from yourself every now and then. In the midst of a problem–a simple sinus infection, let’s say–it’s easy to hyper-focus on whatever is bothering you and lose sight of the bigger picture, to forget that our hurts and hangups are often only one piece of the puzzle of our lives. This is the benefit of journaling. When you put your life on a page, it automatically creates some space between you and your internal narrative. Likewise, a good (objective) friend or therapist can offer a different perspective from you own, one that’s probably more accurate, one you might like better. So often I think of myself as sickly and weak, but my therapist says, “From my viewpoint, you’re young, healthy, and strong.”

“Um, did you say I was young?” I reply.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You can’t change what happened, but you can change the story you tell yourself about it.

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Don’t Ever Give Up (Blog #701)

Phew. After a few days of feeling like crap, I feel better today. Like, normal. Actually, my energy came back late last night, and I couldn’t fall asleep until four. Then I woke up five hours later, wide awake. Eventually I dozed back off and got up this afternoon. Since being sick, I’m sleeping in later than usual. And whereas I don’t fundamentally have a problem with that, I’d like to start both going to bed and getting up sooner. My doctor says it’s good to have a consistent schedule, even if you don’t have a job that requires you to have one. “Try to be up by, say, ten every day,” she says.

That seems reasonable.

Last night I dreamed that I was using a funnel to pour gasoline into my refrigerator in the middle of the night. (Weird, I know.) Refrigerators are common in my dreams. Best I can tell, they have to do with stored energy, which apparently I’m low on because I was having to “gas up.” Apparently my subconscious isn’t aware of the stored energy around my waistline. Anyway, when I woke up, my first thought was the dream had to do with my needing to get more quality sleep, since the dream was set in the middle of the night and sleep is the way our bodies “refuel.”

I’ve tried to go to bed sooner and get on a schedule before, and it was mildly successful. But you, know, shit happens. I was thinking about this earlier, that there have been several, maybe dozens, of things I’ve attempted since starting this blog that I haven’t succeeded at–cleaning up my diet (although that’s currently going well), cutting back on Facebook (miserable fail), getting more rest (moderate fail). And whereas I wish I knocked it out of the park in every area of my life, I obviously don’t. I can say, however, that I’m at least willing to try again.

Except for the Facebook thing.

Trying again. That’s what’s on my mind today. Yesterday I talked about a sinus infection I had last year that lasted for three months. This was after two decades of dealing with chronic sinus infections and not making much progress. However, finally, I found something that worked. Likewise, after months of having psoriasis on my elbow, I don’t now. I can’t say exactly what did the trick because I’ve been trying a number of different things, but I can say, “Fuck the dermatologist who told me psoriasis was ‘incurable.'” My point: the body is capable of amazing things when given the right support, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Sometimes you just have to keep at it.

When I was a kid, my dad kept a cartoon taped on the wall at his business. In the drawing, there was a frog being eaten by a giant bird. Like, the frog was in this bird’s mouth. It was a bad day. But the frog, who wasn’t going down without a fight, had its hands clutched around the bird’s throat. The caption said, “Don’t ever give up.” This is something I think about a lot–giving up. Because it’s tempting, especially when you’re up against a wall and things appear to never get better. And I do think there’s value in accepting life as it is. A lot of value, actually. But I don’t think that accepting life as it is means you have to accept that it’s never going to change. I think there’s room for both acceptance and hope. I mean, life always changes, so who’s to say it can’t change for the better?

Everything is subject to change.

Last night while lying in bed, I thought of the many things in my life that have changed for the better even though, at one point, I thought they never would–the sinus infections, the psoriasis. My neck and shoulder have been hurting lately, and both my muscles and the pain feel so solid, I wanted to remind myself that few things in our lives are truly solid; everything is subject to change. Plus, when something is bothering me, it’s easy for me to put all my focus on what’s wrong, and I think it’s important to slow down occasionally and focus on what’s right, on what feels good, on what is working.

You know, once every month or two.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Authenticity is worth all the hard work. Being real is its own reward."

On Being More Certain (Blog #700)

After two days of feeling like crud, this morning I woke up–worse. However, when I got up and took my temperature–96.6, a degree lower than what’s normal for me–I convinced myself I didn’t have the flu. No fever. No aches and pains. Rather, I decided it was my old “friend” Mr. Sinus Infection. And whereas I wasn’t thrilled about his showing back up uninvited (who would be?), I figured I’ve dealt with his sorry ass before. Plus, almost anything is better than the flu.

Can I get an amen?

A year ago I had a sinus infection that lasted over three months. It was disgusting. Who knew one person could produce that much mucus? It was the biggest and most discouraging health thing I’d ever dealt with, and I tried everything under the sun to get it to go away–antibiotics, nasal irrigations, vitamins and supplements. Nothing touched it. But then I stumbled upon a website that said many chronic sinus infection sufferers had found relief by swabbing a particular probiotic (L. Sakei) in their nostrils (I’m not kidding), the idea being that L. Sakei eats, kills, or otherwise balances out the bad bacteria that’s up there running rampant and causing all the grief. Anyway, this theory made sense to me (and I was desperate), so I tried it. And get this shit. After three months of being sick day in and day out, I was better in forty-eight hours.

Just like that.

For the last year, I’ve used this strategy anytime I’ve felt something coming on. Unfortunately, sometimes it hasn’t worked. I’ll explain. L. Sakei is a bacteria or probiotic that’s not only difficult to come by, but also picky about where and how long it lives. That is, it’s only in one probiotic pill that I’m aware of, and then it’s mixed in with other little critters. There’s a company that sell the probiotic by itself (as a powder), but it’s thirty bucks for a little bag, and you have to keep it in the freezer. Otherwise, your best bet is kimchi. That’s right, kimchi, the Korean fermented cabbage stuff. That’s what initially did the trick for me. However, I had to try six or eight different brands before I found two that did the job, since L. Sakei doesn’t grow in every batch of kimchi, and when it does, it’s only between weeks two and ten after the date of production (which isn’t normally printed on the product). So it’s a crap shoot.

Because swabbing kimchi up your nose is 1) a crap shoot and 2) smells bad, for the last year I’ve kept the expensive probiotic powder on hand. My logic: I’ll gladly pay thirty bucks if it keeps me vertical and out of the doctor’s office. Anyway, for the last two days, ever since I started feeling like crap, I’ve been using it. However, I noticed this morning that my batch had expired over two months ago. As I understand it, the bacteria can only live so long after being exposed to oxygen. Anyway, since it takes a solid week to get the stuff through the mail, this afternoon I showered and dragged my ass to the Asian food mart in search of kimchi.

Y’all, and I realize this is a dumb American thing to say, but the Asian food mart is super weird. Never mind their food. I walked in today, and right there on the other side of the sliding glass doors–in front of God and everybody–was a row of pedicure chairs. Thankfully, no one was in them, but still–pedicure chairs in a grocery store, right next to the fifty pound bags of rice. Can you imagine getting your calluses scrubbed while the scent of raw fish drifted across your nostrils (presuming you didn’t have a sinus infection and could smell the raw fish)? Ick.

Months ago, the Asian food mart only had one brand of kimchi, but today they had two, so I stood there examining everything, praying about which I should get. “I like this one,” an Asian woman told me. Then she smiled. “You like Korean food?”

“Uh, I like this stuff,” I said, smiling in return.

Don’t tell her you put it up your nose, I thought.

“You been Korea?” she said.

“No, I haven’t,” I said. Then I added, “Only Thailand.”

She frowned and walked away.

Dumb American.

Back at the house, I swabbed the kimchi up my nose. For two hours I off-and-on smelled cabbage, red peppers, and shrimp. Gross. But I have felt better tonight. This evening–while sitting up!–I read a wonderfully delightful and magical book about creativity (The Spark: Igniting the Creative Fire that Lives within Us All by Cirque de Soleil). Then I went to the gym with my dad for some “light” knee rehab. That is, I didn’t work out as long or as hard as normal. Now it’s midnight, and I’m obviously blogging. And whereas I don’t feel fabulous, I do think I’m on the mend. Granted, I could wake up tomorrow worse than ever, but I’m hoping that won’t be the case. I’m hoping those little fermented cabbage critters will do their job!

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Tonight’s blog is number 700 (in a row). Damn; that’s a lot. I’ve been wanting to do another live video to share an essay I wrote that helped me process selling most of my worldly possessions and begin living as a minimalist, so maybe I can do that tomorrow or this weekend as a way of celebrating almost two full years of daily blogging. (Two years exactly will fall in one more month, on the last day of March).

Life is good despite its difficulties.

I wish I had something more profound to say to wrap up tonight’s post. Thinking back to that sinus infection that lasted forever (at least it felt like forever), I’m reminded that relief comes. After days, weeks, or even years of a storm beating at or even tearing apart your door, eventually even the strongest winds must stop blowing. When I went through a breakup and started therapy five years ago, I was miserable. Fucking miserable. People said, “It gets better. You’ll feel differently one day.” I wanted to punch them in the face. Granted, it was true. That storm passed. Also, I’m better for having come through it, better for having come through all my storms. They’ve made me stronger and more hopeful–no–more certain that life is good despite its difficulties, kind despite its challenges.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Life is never just so. Honestly, it’s a big damn mess most of the time.

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