This morning I saw my therapist, and we discussed the idea of me slowing down, chilling the hell out. This came up because–as a general rule–I always feel like I need to be DOING more. Like if something isn’t happening in my life, I think it’s my fault, because I haven’t DONE enough. “That’s a real self-centered thing to think,” my therapist has said in the past. Alas, I can’t seem to shake the notion that if I only knew more or worked harder, the stars would align, the flowers would blossom, and the birds would sing. Okay, so I see my therapist’s point. Clearly there are plenty of things in this universe that are outside of my control.

I hate that.

A couple weeks ago I wrote that one reason we need to slow done is to give the things in our life a chance to integrate. Today my therapist said something similar. Stretching her arms wide she said, “Marcus, you have ALL THIS KNOWLEDGE in your head, and it needs time to settle, the way water needs time to settle into the soil whenever you water a plant.” Admittedly, I have a tough time with this, doing nothing, resting. I don’t know where or how it started, but I’m a do-er. A go-go-go-er. A burn-the-candle-at-both-ends-er. And yes, I know what happens when you burn the candle at both ends.

My dad’s told me a thousand times.

Today my therapist said, “One pattern that you’re still really stuck in is constantly being productive.” Boy is she ever right. If I’m not actively working, I’m normally busy learning–reading a book, listening to a podcast–or otherwise trying to improve myself. Hell, even when I watch television I’m usually thinking about the stories from a writer’s perspective. My therapist suggested I do more of what I did this last Sunday–watch television for fun. “Just sit there,” she said. “One day you’ll be so busy working and traveling or whatever that you’ll WISH you had all the free time you have now, so I suggest enjoying the hell out of your life as it is. Shit, I wish I had enough time to get my nails done, but I’m too busy.”

I think this is really important to remember. We imagine that our lives will be better when, but the truth is that even if certain things improve (like our jobs), there’s always a price to pay. Less time for loved ones or getting our nails done. I’ve tried to be more conscious of this today, the idea that I won’t always be able to do the things I take for granted now. This afternoon I drove thirty minutes out of my way to try a new restaurant. After I finished eating, I stayed and spent an hour reading. Then I poked around at a used bookstore and found a book I’ve been looking for all summer. This evening I taught a dance lesson and stuck around after my clients left to dance by myself like I used to when I owned my own studio. These things put me in the best mood, perhaps because I was letting myself rest from being productive, perhaps because I was aware that moments like these won’t always be available.