The above caricature of me was drawn in 2009 when I visited my friend Kara in St. Louis. I rediscovered it tonight while I was scrolling (and scrolling) though old pictures in an effort to find inspiration for tonight’s blog. The bad news (and I’m not sure there is any good news) is that the picture hasn’t inspired me to write about jack squat. But I do think it makes me look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, so I’ll go ahead and say this: Like–HEEELLP.

I’m not sure that I woke up on the right side of the bed today. I mean that in a metaphorical sense, since I actually sleep on the right side of the bed–unless I’m in it, in which case it’s the left. (Ugh, this is confusing.) Anyway, you know how when you’re not feeling your best, that’s when you pick at yourself the most? (Feel free to nod your head yes or say, “Preach.”) I mean, maybe I’m the only one who does this, but I woke up feeling rather emotional and raw, then immediately went to work trying to figure it out or “solve” the problem. Unfortunately, I didn’t get an immediate result, and that always makes me feel as if I’m doing something wrong, like my life is this big mystery and I’m a terrible detective.

Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?

Today at lunch a friend told me they had this idea running around in their head that sounds like, “If I knew more, I’d be okay.” Well, this is something I can totally relate to. I’m always thinking that if I knew more, I wouldn’t spend entire days feeling raw and emotional. If I knew more, I’d be more successful. If I knew more, my body would be healthier, more attractive, more desirable. If I knew more, I could solve the mystery that is my life.

Tonight in improv class we played a game called Two-Headed Monster. The idea is that two people stand side-by-side and pretend they are one monster with two heads. In one version, you’re only allowed to say one word, then the other person says the next, and so on. It’s super challenging. Well, I spent a lot of time just watching tonight because of my sour mood. Then I started laughing about something, and eventually I got up and tried it. Then I went back to my sour mood again. Honestly, it felt like I was a two-headed monster, or at least that I had two separate voices running around in my head. This sucks. Today’s not so bad. Today sucks. Just breathe.

Maybe you can guess which voice was the louder.

When I got home tonight I went for a run, and it ended up being my longest run so far–seven miles. A couple of times I thought I was going to throw up, but I didn’t. Anyway, the run went a long way in dispelling some of my bad attitude, probably because it burned off some excess energy and made me too tired to think about my problems. (What were they again?)

My therapist told me recently that some of the things we deal with (for instance, being a people pleaser) may be issues until we’re six feet under. Like, not every problem is worked out in one lifetime. Honestly, I hate that. I’d much prefer to think about healing or having a good attitude as a to-do list item that I could easily mark off one day. There, now I don’t have to worry about money anymore. Phew. I feel better. But I guess healing doesn’t work like that. Obviously–emotions certainly don’t. One day they’re up, one day they’re down. The voices inside you are a two-headed monster. All of it’s a mystery.

After the run tonight I watched a video by Kyle Cease, a former stand-up comedian who now works in the field of personal transformation. He said that often when emotions (and even addictions) come up, they do so for the express reason of bringing you into the present moment. Oh hey, I feel nervous NOW. I feel insecure NOW. Of course, most of us want to run from these uncomfortable feelings. In my case, I tried to talk myself out of them all day today. If only I knew more. Then tonight I literally tried to run from them. But Kyle suggests that the point of life is not to be happy all the time, but rather to be in the moment with any and whatever thought or emotion that arises, that healing happens when we accept ourselves just as we are.

Personally, I like this idea and intend to try it more often. Even as I’ve been typing tonight I’ve noticed that I feel a tiredness in my eyes, a slight heaviness in my stomach. But that’s it. If I don’t go into I need to be happy, I need to know more or There’s something wrong with me, I’m just right here, right now and everything is all right. I’m not having an out-of-body experience, but it doesn’t suck. As Shaggy would say, “Like wow!” Of course, I still think my life is a mystery. But I can relax. It’s not my job to solve it.