Getting a Grip (Blog #416)

It’s 1:45 in the morning, and I’ve been putting this off for over an hour. I don’t feel well. I don’t feel awful, but I don’t feel well. I’m tired, irritable. My body is shaky (it has been for a while now), and it’s driving me crazy. I’m imagining that–on top of everything else–I have a neurological disorder, that I’m breaking down from the inside out. I’ve been Googling supplements all day, a compulsion that typically gets me nowhere. Maybe I’ll give up Google next year for Lent. But then again I’m not even Catholic. I guess I could convert, but that’d just be one more thing to do. Like my plate isn’t full enough already.

Get a grip, Marcus.

I’ve been thinking this would be a good way to start my autobiography, should I ever choose to write one: Thirty-seven, that’s how old I was when Meghan Markle married Prince Harry and my life fell apart. But then I don’t know where I’d go from there.

Get–a–grip, Marcus. (Focus.)

Today I spent the afternoon at Starbucks working on one of my travel writing stories, and that’s about it. I did run into an old dance student (who thought I was in Austin because everyone thinks I’m in Austin except me, who knows I’m not in Austin but instead living with my parents, who, incidentally, are not in Austin either) and had a lovely conversation. It always amazes me when something like this happens, randomly running into someone you haven’t seen in years and jumping right in with each, getting real. In the span of ten minutes, we talked about health challenges, going to therapy, and places where we consider ourselves to be weak. And I really don’t know this person that well. But the whole experience was so–refreshing.

It was the best thing that happened today. Being honest, that is.

Everything is progressing as it should.

This evening I taught a dance lesson to a student who thinks they should be progressing faster than they are. (They all do.) Having worked with hundreds of students over the years, I keep saying (truthfully) that they’re actually progressing faster than average, but you know how people can be their own worst critic. Anyway, here’s what I’ve been thinking about the situation. When you’re a new student, you don’t have anything to compare yourself to. If you do, it’s probably Dancing with the Stars, and THAT won’t make you feel good. But as an experienced teacher that works with everyday people who aren’t spending forty hours a week preparing for a competition, I can stand outside a student’s frustration and see that things are going just fine–they’re normal–everything is progressing as it should.

My friend and I talked about something similar today–the benefit of having a good therapist, someone who’s experienced in human relationships and emotions who doesn’t know you and can stand outside your drama and comment about what’s going on. There’s such a stigma about going to therapy, but who couldn’t benefit from a relationship like that? At one point in the last four years, I was dealing with a particularly difficult person in my life, someone I cared for but who came with excessive baggage (like more baggage than Rose had on the Titanic). “Why do you have this shit show in your life?” my therapist said. Blunt, I know, but no one else I was talking to was being blunt, and it was just the thing I needed to cause me to look at the situation in a different way, to realize that I could–change things.

Imagine that.

I told my friend today that sometimes I felt like the poster child for going to therapy, but it’s only because it’s been such a good and positive thing for me. I don’t pretend that it would be the same for everyone else, but I do think it’s worth trying, just like I think learning how to dance is worth trying. I mean, you already know how to sit on the couch or go to the movies or whatever it is you know how to do. Honestly, I think it’s fear that stops people from trying new things that could help them. Maybe embarrassment. I know there have been plenty of times I’ve actually felt apologetic as a dance student for not knowing something, not being better at something. I felt the same way in therapy when my therapist asked why I was putting up with such bad behavior. I thought, Why didn’t I know this already?

It’s okay to ask for help.

Of course, the answer is simple–because no one taught me. No one taught me how to dance or how to have healthy relationships (before they did)–probably because no one taught them. Likewise, no one (except for my therapist, who’s a professional) is teaching me how to navigate being thirty-seven, living with my parents, and having a health challenge (or two). After all, who knows these things?! Aren’t we all just figuring life out as we go along, aren’t we all just doing the best we can? This has been my experience, so I’m trying to get a grip and remember that it’s okay to admit you don’t know everything, that it’s okay to ask for help.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Our burdens are lighter when we share them.

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Nothing Short of Mystical (Blog #383)

The last twenty-four hours have been fabulous. Yesterday evening all the other journalists arrived, and Lookout Point, a bed-and-breakfast located on Hamilton Lake here in Hot Springs, hosted a reception for us. Y’all, there was cheese, wine, locally made craft beer, and even cupcakes from a company called Fat Bottomed Girls–which I will soon be if I don’t stop eating all this food. And get this–on top of the food, they took us on a boat ride around the lake. Talk about the royal treatment. Today some folks from Texas who joined one of our tours asked, “How does one become a travel writer?” I honestly had no idea how to answer. The first thing that came to mind was, God has to like you a lot.

But really, thank you, Lord.

After the reception, we went to dinner at Rolando’s, a Latin restaurant that’s also located in Fort Smith. If you’ve ever eaten there, you know the food is always delicious, and last night was no exception. And not only was the food great, but so was the conversation. (At one point we talked about goat yoga. It’s apparently a thing.) This is what I love about writers–everyone was fun, kind, and curious–good question askers, good listeners.

Before going back to the hotel, I stopped into the Ohio Club for one last beer, and I’m glad I did. There was a guy playing live music, acoustic stuff, and he had a beautiful voice–natural, raw, just gritty enough. Close to him was a couple who had just gotten married. I struck up a conversation with the bride, and they’d come down from Connecticut, just the two of them, to elope. They’d never been here before but got married in a chapel, and the Ohio Club and the singer ended up being their reception. They both seemed so happy. Just before I left, the singer sang “Into the Mystic” by Van Morrison, which happens to be one of my favorite songs. I don’t know, I just felt fortunate to have wandered in at just the right time to experience it all. It was a perfect, mystical moment.

This morning–believe it or not–I was awake and mostly functional at five-thirty. I’m not kidding. I had to meet the group at six-thirty, so I wanted to meditate, shower, and drink a cup of coffee first. So I did it–I got up before the sunrise. (Now give me a t-shirt to mark the occasion, and let’s hope it never happens again.) Anyway, our first stop today was The Pancake Shop, a local favorite. Y’all, it felt like home–their pancakes tasted just like Grandpa’s used to. I even slathered butter and peanut butter on them and topped the whole mess off with two eggs over-medium just like Grandpa taught me. One of my new friends, an oatmeal-with-blueberries eater from Florida, was mortified. He said, “Think of all the calories.” Pouring on more syrup, I said, “This is the south. We don’t know what calories are.”

I ate–every–single–delicious–bite.

After breakfast we went to the top of a lookout tower and started a several-hour tour of the city with a park ranger, Tom. Here’s a picture of several of us with Tom on the elevator ride up the tower.

At the top of the tower, I learned all sorts of things. Hot Springs, it appears, is partly (but not completely) a National Forest. Here’s a picture from the tower, and the National Forest part (I think) is basically the lower half of the photo. If you’re familiar with Hot Springs, the Arlington Hotel is located in the middle of the photo, just to the right. It’s not the tallest building, but the L-shaped one. The shadow of the tower (which looks like a penis) is pointing at the Arlington. To the left of the center of the photo is another tall L-shaped building (which I’ll talk about later), and that’s the Arkansas Career Training Institute.

Although we drove to the top of the lookout mountain, we hiked down. This is something several of us, including myself, were not prepared to do, meaning we were wearing dress shoes and not sneakers. Plus, for whatever reason, my legs were shaking. Like, even when I was standing still, they were vibrating from my heels to my hips. This happens sometimes on a smaller scale when my legs are tired, but I’m not sure what was up today. When it comes to my health and physical body, I’m learning to ask fewer questions and simply go with it.

For the next few hours, we learned about the hot springs, how (over a long period of time) rainfall works its way through the earth, is heated up, and forced back to the surface (by the pressure of other water in the system) where it comes out at a temperature of about 140 degrees. Then we toured the local bathhouses, or what used to be the bathhouses, as many of them have closed and become other things. One of the bathhouses, the Fordyce, is a museum now, but was apparently the most opulent business of its kind during the hey-day of hot-spring bathing. (People used to travel here from all over the country literally by doctor’s orders to heal such things as polio, syphilis, and other ailments that you can’t actually cure with hot water. At that time, a round of “treatments” that lasted three weeks cost eighteen dollars.)

Here’s a picture of one of my favorite parts of the Fordyce, the only area with a floor not covered in tile–the gymnasium. Check out all the old workout equipment. When it was originally purchased, all of it–total–cost $1,500.

After the tour of the bathhouses, we ate lunch at Superior Bathhouse Brewery, an old bathhouse (the Superior) that’s been turned into a craft-beer-making joint. They’ve been open for five years, and it’s the only brewery in the world that uses thermal (hot springs) water to brew beer. How cool is that? Right here in Arkansas. Plus, they serve a pretty mean lunch, probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten on this tour of the south so far. (My oatmeal-eating friend would be proud.)

Here’s a picture of me and two other journalists with Rose, the owner of Superior Bathhouse Brewery.

When lunch was over, I was given several hours of free time to roam or relax. Wanting to find out more about the second L-shaped building I mentioned earlier, I struck up a conversation with some locals, who told me that although the building was a vocational school, the lobby was open to the public. So off I went, up the hill toward the building, then into the lobby. Y’all, what happened next was perhaps the best part of my trip to Hot Springs so far (well, other than the peanut butter pancakes and craft beer). A man in a wheelchair, Lance, gave me a tour of the building, explaining that it is now a vocational school specifically for people with disabilities, but that it was originally the first Army-Navy Hospital in the nation. At 198,000 square feet, it’s 9 stories tall and used to have 500 rooms for patients.

Here’s a picture from the outside. The highest point used to be a water tower, but it’s no longer in service.

In addition to showing me the lobby (and the recreation area on the sixth floor), Lance showed me a small museum on the second floor–a single room filled with old medical and dental equipment from the 1930s. Y’all, there were surgery tools, dental implants, and rectal thermometers. There was even a human skeleton. I was absolutely riveted.

And creeped out.

Now I’m back in my room at The Waters and have about an hour before dinner. I’m ready for a nap, but I don’t think I’m going to get one. Instead, I’m just using the time to work on the blog so I can sleep tonight. I don’t have anything too profound to conclude with, but I’m so fascinated by the way that life brings people together, how our stories and songs connect and intertwine, if only for these brief moments, if only over lunch or a craft beer. To me, these unexpected meetings with strangers who smile at us and give us the grand tour are nothing short of miraculous, nothing short of mystical.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you’re making yourself up to get someone else’s approval–stop it–because you can’t manipulate anyone into loving you. People either embrace you for who and what you are–or they don’t.

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