I sat down to blog over two hours ago and got distracted. Damn Facebook and the Googles. (Sounds like a band name.) Now it’s 2:30 in the morning, and I’m ready for bed, carb-happy and insulin-tired from the entire chicken barbecue pizza I ate earlier tonight. Seriously, I’m worn out from all that eating. When I got home after dinner tonight, I held my bloated belly and told my dad (who weighs well over 300 pounds), “Ugh–I feel fat.”

He said, “Marcus–you’re not fat.”

Aren’t parents great?

It feels like all I’ve done today is eat. Technically I’ve only had two meals, but if you count Crown Royal as a protein shake, then three. Anyway, it all started with Mexican this morning for my friend Bonnie’s birthday. (We celebrated generally in Nashville this last weekend, but specifically–with tacos and margaritas–today, her actual birthday.) Then I had a shot of Crown this evening before an improv comedy show I was supposed to be in, then ate the whole pizza when I found out the show had been canceled (long story). What can I say? I was mourning the loss of a job.

This afternoon I saw my therapist, and we talked mostly about my health, since I saw both my primary care physician and immunologist yesterday. (I wrote about what they told me here.) My therapist said that she understood my frustration that my immunologist didn’t find anything wrong, but also said, “What’s YOUR GUT say about it?” I said, “My gut says that it’s really good news–that my body is stronger than I’ve been giving it credit for–and that this is a lot better than having to take an expensive shot every month for god-knows-how-long.”

“That’s what my gut says too,” she said. Then we talked about some of the recommendations my primary care physician gave me yesterday (like CBD oil for essential tremors), and I told her that my internal expectation was that solving any of my health problems was going to be a struggle, that I’d probably have to try fifteen brands before one of them worked, if one worked at all. Super optimistic, I know, but it touches on a theme that comes up a lot in therapy, namely, my subconscious programming. My therapist calls it my “hardwiring,” my core thoughts and beliefs that positively or negatively influence my way of seeing the world on a daily basis. She said, “What if I told you it’s possible for your body to figure things out, or for the universe to provide an answer to this problem without your having to run yourself ragged looking for one?”

“I’d LIKE to believe that,” I said, “but it just bucks against my–my–um–”

“Hardwiring,” she said. “Thank you. Thank you for being honest. But you’re willing to ENTERTAIN the idea?”

“Yes, I’m willing to entertain the idea.”

My therapist said that my thoughts about healing are directly related to my thoughts about abundance. She said, “I KNOW you’re having physical problems. I would never tell you it’s all in your head. Fuck anyone who would. What I am saying is that we think abundance just has to do with physical possessions, and that is part of it. But abundance is an entire mindset that sees the universe as a place which can provide whatever it is we need–information, healing. It’s about KNOWING that you’re supported in ALL situations.”

“That’s a big jump for me emotionally,” I said.

She replied, “I know, and rewiring yourself isn’t easy, but we can work on it together. And I’ve seen you do much harder things.” Then she said it again. “I’ve seen you do much harder things.”

My therapist said I should start by giving myself a fucking break. “STOP being so damn productive all the time, watch Netflix, and take a nap,” is the way she put it. “Your body wants to rest, Marcus, but you have all these rules about things you think you need to do. Enough with the rules already.” Oh my god, there’s a can a worms–all the things I think I’m supposed to do, not do. We’d be here all night if I started listing them. Anyway, I do think my therapist is onto something. So I’m hoping to work on dismantling my hardwiring a little at a time–by breaking my own rules, resting, or giving my body a break as often as possible. Mostly, I’m trying to trust that the universe will support me–indeed, already is supporting me–in changing something that often feels unchangeable (my mind), in removing my old wires and laying down new ones the only way anyone can–one wire at a time.