That One in the Mirror (Blog #351)

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For the last two weeks, ever since I found out I was going to have a roommate here at Lindyfest, I’ve been worried about snoring. I honestly don’t think I do it all the time, but friends have mentioned it. Plus, it’s woken ME up enough times to merit concern. Friends tell me not to worry, that lots of people snore, but I’m always so envious of people who don’t. You know, pretty sleepers, people who just lie there perfectly still all night and wake up looking like they walked out of a magazine the next morning. Not me–I toss and turn, make noises. Sometimes my legs jerk. Hell, I probably even fart when I sleep. I always wake up with my hair stuck up, looking like I just escaped a barroom brawl.

It’s so embarrassing.

On the way up to the room last night, I thought, Don’t freak out, Marcus. People snore. Maybe your roommate will snore too and it will be something you two can bond over. But no such luck. I walked in the room, about four in the morning, and it was complete silence. Like so quiet I wondered if he had died. Anyway, I crawled in my side of the bed (there’s only one bed in the room), and all I could think about was snoring. I probably would have stayed awake all night worrying about what my body might do if I were to nod off, but I’d taken some Benadryl (for a rash I have where no one wants a rash), and they kicked in. Five hours later my roommate woke me up for breakfast, sort of shouting my name–Marcus! Later I stumbled into the bathroom, noticed drool on my shirt, and thought, Yep, definitely snored.

But seriously, what can you do?

I’d honestly intended to take a nap after breakfast since I would have had the room to myself, but I got caught up in a good conversation, then decided to check out today’s dance classes. For the most part, I didn’t participate. I did stand up a couple times to go through some footwork, but I have this effing rash (where no one wants a rash), and almost any movement is uncomfortable. Seriously, this skin irritation is itching nonstop despite all the things I’m doing that the dermatologist told me to do, and dancing doesn’t make it any better. Good thing I’m not at a dancing convention with dance classes all day and dances all night.

Oh wait.

Otherwise, things are going really well. I’ve enjoyed watching classes, and I’m doing my best to strike up conversations with people, or at least smile or say hello. So far everyone has responded positively, and I actually feel like I’m making friends. Well, except for that guy in the bathroom. He kind of rushed off. Maybe he didn’t appreciate my peeking under his stall. (That’s a joke, Mom.) But seriously, as someone who has often felt “left out” or un-included at larger dance events, this is big progress.

Now it’s eight in the evening, and tonight’s dance starts in an hour. It’ll go until five in the morning, so it’s not like I have to be there for every minute. Still, I would like to finish the blog before it starts and perhaps even take a nap before I dance, dance, dance. Really, I don’t know that I’ll do that much dancing. In more than one way, my body is telling me to take it easy. Maybe this is a good thing. In the past I’ve always felt like I had to dance every minute or, I don’t know, impress people. Having been through the ringer these last several months, I’m more subdued. Now I’m content to simply be me–me who sometimes snores, me who has a rash where no one wants a rash, whatever.

You don’t have to be afraid of rejection.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the more I learn to love and accept myself (snoring, rashes, and every other “embarrassing” thing), the better my experience is with those around me. Maybe this is the magic of self-acceptance. Once you know who you are and are okay with that, you can open up, you can talk to anyone and not be afraid of rejection. Not that others won’t ever reject you, you just don’t have to be afraid of their rejection because you’re no longer living for their approval. If you have it, great. If you don’t, you’ve still got the approval of the one that matters, that one in the mirror with drool on their shirt.

[The above photo is me doing a famous swing dance move that’s appropriately titled “Itch and Scratch.”]

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All your scattered pieces want to come back home.

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I Was Here (Blog #349)

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Last night I was up until six in the morning, partly because I drank a lot of coffee yesterday, partly because I have a rash (where no one wants to have a rash), and it’s been itching like crazy. When I saw my dermatologist a couple days ago, it wasn’t so bad. But things have gotten dramatically worse. I guess when my rash got a glimpse of my doctor, it decided it wasn’t going down without a fight. Anyway, I called my dermatologist today, and his nurse told me, “Do this.” I said, “I’ve been doing that for a week.”

“Oh,” she said. “Let me call you back.” So now I’m still itching but have another appointment, seven not-so-short days away.

Tomorrow I’m planning to go out-of-town for the swing dance convention I’ve been working with the last two months. Part of me is hesitant to go because my energy is low and I get winded walking up stairs. Hell, I get winded riding in an elevator. But I’ve worked really hard for this event, and I’d like to experience at least part of it in person. Plus, I think it will do me good to get out-of-town and spend some time on the road with Tom Collins (my beloved car). I just need to pace myself and take it easy.

Since I’m trying to get in bed soon in order to wake up in the morning, pack, and hit the road at a decent hour, I just took two Benadryl. Plus, the dermatologist said an extra anti-histamine or two could help with the rash. Either way, Benadryl almost always knocks me out, so I’m hoping for a good night’s sleep. That being said, I’m currently rushing to get this blog done, since I don’t know when I’ll become too woozy to function.

Considering that last half-sentence took me ten minutes to write, perhaps that time is now.

I imagine the next few days at the dance event will be jam-packed. When I originally said that I would go, I hesitated because of the blog. My one-year anniversary is at the end of the month, and I didn’t (and don’t) want to get down there, wear myself out, and somehow let a day go by without writing. But I don’t think that will happen. I’m too far into it now, too committed. Plus, over the course of the last eleven months, I’ve figured out how to work this in even on the busiest of days. I used to think that every blog had to be a thousand words, something super deep or beautiful. But now I know that’s not the case. Some days it’s more than enough to simply show up and say, “I was here.”

You keep trying.

This is something I’ve learned about the creative process, not just from reading about it, but from living it for the last 349 days. I can sit down every day to write, but I never know what’s going to end up on the page. Likewise, I can apply creams and take anti-histamines for my rash, but I have no idea whether it’s going to heal. As far as this blog goes, I know that many of my posts are average while others are absolutely over the moon. Either way, I try not to take too much credit. Sure, I’m committed to showing up every day and doing the work, but not once have I ever been able to “force” a super-deep or beautiful post. They either happen or they don’t. When they do, I’m just as surprised and delighted as anyone else. When they don’t, well, that’s just part of the process, part of life. But I’m learning that you don’t quit simply because every day isn’t a banner day. Rather, you keep showing up, you keep doing the best you can, you keep trying.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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There's a wisdom underneath everything that moves us and even the planets at its own infallible pace. We forget that we too are like the planets, part of a larger universe that is always proceeding one step at time, never in the wrong place, everything always right where it belongs.

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