This “morning” I woke up at three in the afternoon. Now it’s ten at night, which means I’ve only been awake for seven hours. Consequently, I don’t have much to talk about. I spent the afternoon reading books, then this evening taught a dance lesson. Now I’m hyped up on coffee and ready to go for a jog, but really need to do this first. The last few nights I’ve blogged during the wee morning hours, and it’s just not an easy thing to do when you’re exhausted–thinking, that is.

One of the books I read this afternoon was by Alexander Lowen, about bioenergetics. Bioenergetics proposes that tension in the body is often the result of unexpressed emotions, so the book has a series of exercises designed to help a person release emotion (and therefore tension), which I’m slowly working my way through. The exercise I tried today involved lying on my back on a bed and vigorously kicking my legs up into the air and down onto the mattress. (The point was to express anger and loosen up the pelvis, but I think this activity would also work to fluff your sheets.) Anyway, thank God Mom and Dad were gone when I gave this kicking thing a whirl. I sounded like a boxer beating up a punching bag. I actually broke a sweat.

A lot of self-help books suggest punching pillows to get rid of anger, but that’s never really been my thing. I always feel so silly, standing in my room getting violent with a cushion. I mean, what did that fluffy little thing ever do to me? But the exercise today was different, perhaps because it involved my whole body. The book says if you do it “right,” your head will rise up off the bed. You might even use your arms. For me, this really felt great–tiring–but great. I even tried one version where I yelled “NO” over and over again. At first my voice was rather weak, and I thought, This is ridiculous. I wonder what our family dog must think of me right now. But then my voice grew stronger, and I immediately thought of a several incidences from my past when a solid no would have come in handy. And I guess that’s the point–the body never forgets.

Yesterday I saw my therapist and was somewhat down afterwards, I guess because sitting with your emotions isn’t always fun. But since “kicking and screaming” this afternoon, I’ve felt great. I’ve been in a good mood. Several times I’ve even laughed out loud when thinking of something funny. I love it when this happens, when I entertain myself. I usually think, Well done, Marcus, well done. You’re so clever.

Isn’t that fun, being you’re your own best audience? Personally, I’d like this to happen more, since historically I’ve spent a lot of time being my own worst critic. I’ve looked in the mirror and thought, That needs to be different, or considered a health problem and thought, My body is failing me. But one of the ideas the bioenergetics book proposes is that our bodies are always on our side, since–uh, at least on this planet–we are our bodies. This is something I’m trying to remember, that my body wants to heal as much as I want it to, that we’re on the same team here.