Phew. I’d really wanted this entire day–from start to finish–to be easy going, relaxing. And whereas part of it was, not all of it was. I’ll explain. This morning I had a lovely breakfast then sat down with a new book, about labyrinths, which I blogged about yesterday. My goal was to read the entire book in one day. I always feel like a badass when I do that. Plus, I have SO MANY books that are partially completed because I often do what I did today–start a book but not finish it right away (or ever).

The reason I didn’t finish today’s book is because after reading for a couple hours I decided to take my car, Tom Collins, to get an oil change. “And if you don’t mind,” I told the girl at the counter, “check out the steering wheel–it’s been pulling to the right lately.” Well, later a guy called and explained–“One of your tires is separated.”

“What does that mean?” I said. (Will it be getting a divorce soon?)

Well, duh, my tire was coming apart, which meant I needed a new one–two new ones. For $175 each. Ouch. Talk about depressing. Guess who’s coming apart now? Can’t a guy catch a break?

I know, I’m whining.

“At least your tire didn’t blow up as you were driving down the interstate,” my dad said later.

Yes, at least that didn’t happen.

Money’s been a big issue for me the last few years. I can’t tell you the number of times it’s felt like the universe has kicked me in the balls financially just to turn around and do it again. I mean, I get that it’s not personal. Shit happens. It just FEELS personal. Of course it does. A person’s feelings always feel personal. Anyway, all I can say is that although life’s challenges keep coming, my reaction to them is getting better. In the past I would have been upset about the two new tires for days. Today the “oh crap” cloud only hung around for a few hours. Then it was back to sunny skies.

Recently my chiropractor and I were discussing a situation that’s been frustrating me for a while now. And whereas I won’t say what it is, I will say–it’s my life. Anyway, he said, “Think about how that feels,” and I said, “It feels like a headache (which I get a lot of).” Then he said, “Now think about how it will feel when that situation resolves.”

“Oh wow,” I said. “That feels more open, more free.”

Later I told my therapist about this interaction and–without warning–began to cry. “I’ve been waiting for my life to change before I could let my guard down and relax,” I said, “but the truth is–I’m allowed to feel good now.”

I’m allowed to feel good now.

This has been on my mind a lot lately, that I’m responsible for my mental and emotional atmosphere. It’s not something that’s going to come together reliably, consistently on its own. Thinking you’re going to be in a generally happy state of mind without any effort is like thinking you’re going to have a rockstar body (after your twenties) without making a damn effort to have one. Applying this logic to my internal response to my car needing new tires, I decided this afternoon that I could either continue to feel bad until my mood passed on its own, or I could purposefully do something to improve it.

The “feel better” route I ended up taking was a meditation in which I first accepted my life for how it currently is (warts and all) and then imagined how I wanted it to be. And whereas the imagining how I want it to be part felt great–more open, more free–it was the accepting part that really shifted my attitude. So often when I’m afraid, nervous, worried, or upset, I shove those feelings aside. I clench my jaw and think, I don’t have time for this. I’ve got shit to do. Books to read, blogs to write. But in the meditation I welcomed all of my thoughts and feelings, all of my life situations exactly as they were. Out loud I said, Everyone and everything is welcome here.

For me, this exercise caused an immediate, positive shift. There’s something about not pushing so hard, about not trying to change the weather. So many times I’ve walked outside to cloudy skies and an absolute downpour and thought, Oh crap. Then I’ve run to my car, trying to avoid getting wet. Please. Other times I’ve smiled and purposefully walked slowly so the rain could soak me through. This is what I mean by acceptance, and acceptance can be applied to any situation, thought, or feeling in your life. It’s not saying you don’t want things to change. It’s acknowledging the weather for what it is–right here, right now, powerful. So we can either run away from the storms in our lives, or we can face them, embrace them. We can say, “I’d like to stop pushing against you. I’d like us to work together.”