On Everything Falling Apart (Blog #1004)

Lately I’ve had a phrase stuck in my mind–smoke and mirrors. A few days ago I mentioned there’s a hole in my bathroom wall that’s covered up by a bookshelf, and this is what I mean. In reality there’s a blemish, but–presto change-o–now you see it, now you don’t. Y’all I use smoke and mirrors constantly. I use furniture to hide animal stains on rugs, magic markers to fill in scuff marks on shoes, and shoes to hide holes in socks. And don’t even get me started on the one-size-up clothes I wear to hide holiday pie.

I’ve even been known to wear concealer to cover up zits.

As most of you know, especially those of you who wear makeup, using smoke and mirrors is an uphill battle. The older you get, the harder you have to try. This morning, afternoon, and evening I helped a friend begin to organize their rather large personal library and, in the process, damaged a book cover. I was flipping through the pages, and it just snapped right in half. “Don’t worry,” my friend said. “Those covers [part of a particular series] are extremely brittle. They just keep falling apart.”

“I guess we all do,” I said.

Whether in terms of physical objects or material bodies, my point is that everything on planet earth (and in the universe) is slowly or quickly deteriorating. Nothing’s permanent. We can fool ourselves into thinking things will last, we will last, but they won’t, we won’t. You know how you can pick up a dandelion parachute (the white tuft thingy full of seeds) and, if the wind is blowing, it will disintegrate before your eyes? Well, this is what’s happening to everything and to all of us. Even if we can’t see it, we’re falling apart. Now, we may hide this fact and–somehow or other–get eighty or ninety years. We may even pass our book collections and antique pieces of furniture on to our children. But sooner or later the jig’s up for both us and our stuff.

As Kansas so aptly stated, “All we are is dust in the wind.”

At one point today my friend said, “Here’s a stack of books I’ll probably never use but am just not ready to get rid of.” Y’all, I totally get it. A few years ago I sold or gave away of over 80 percent of my worldly possessions and yet often still have trouble letting go. I look at a few of my books and pieces of jewelry and think, I’m taking YOU to the grave. Of course, this is nonsense. Ultimately, we don’t get to hang on to anything in this life–not our books, not our jewelry, not our Pink Floyd records. Not even our bodies. Whether by choice or by force, we eventually have to let go.

So all the better if we can, as my gay Uncle Randy used to say, set it free.

Now, does this mean that I’m going to voluntarily get rid of what little I have left (which is a lot by much of the world’s standards)? Does this mean I’m suggesting we all have estate sales? Hell no. But I am suggesting we do whatever we can to let go mentally and emotionally whether or not we let go physically. For me this looks like allowing myself to get excited about and enjoy physical objects (including my body and–sometimes, but not nearly enough, dear lord–the bodies of others), but not allowing myself to buy into the incorrect notion that any one thing or group of things can or will provide me with everlasting happiness. Indeed, I’m convinced that if it all disappeared tomorrow–my books, pictures, and clothes–I’d still have everything I need to live a joyful and content life.

Albeit a naked one.

More and more I think there’s nothing wrong with owning stuff as long as your stuff doesn’t own you. Like, does it add to your life, or take away from it? Is it a burden? This morning I was driving to my friend’s and noticed ALL THE TREES along the way. Like, there wasn’t just one tree or two trees, there was an abundance of them. So I don’t think we can rightly say that God is a minimalist. That being said, he’s clearly not ATTACHED to things either. This evening I watched an absolutely glorious sunset–full of purples, reds, oranges, and yellows. I wanted to hang on, stretch it out, take a picture. Buy a souvenir! Not God, however. He just let it go. Like, No big deal. Let’s forget it ever happened. Because he gets how things work here. Everything that’s born, dies. Period. The wind carries us all away.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Allowing someone else to put you down or discourage your dreams is, quite frankly, anything but self-care.

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On a Super Great Day (Blog #766)

Today has been super great. Super great, I say. This afternoon I had a dance lesson with the couple I worked with yesterday. Things are coming together. Slowly, but they’re coming together. What more can you ask for? Today my client (the guy) said, “If I’m going to put my money into this, I’m going to take it seriously. That means I’m going to practice, and I’m going to come back for more lessons.” Oh my god, talk about a dream client. I said, “I wish all my students had this attitude.” Unfortunately, so many people just dabble.

After my lesson, I came back to where I’m house sitting, changed clothes, then went to the gym. The good news is that I can definitely see improvement in the strength of my knee. The bad news is that I apparently re-irritated my ankle last night while going up and down my friend’s stairs a hundred times. So I didn’t do any jumping today. I told myself, “Don’t push, Marcus. Let your body heal. They’ll be plenty of time for jumping later.”

I left the gym early to help my aunt–her freezer in her garage apparently quick working, and everything in it had gone bad. Y’all, her entire garage smelled awful. Worse than my arm pits. But we got everything thrown away and cleaned up, so that’s good.

This evening my friends Justin and Ashley came to where I’m house sitting, and we spent several hours on my friend’s porch, chatting, enjoying the weather, listening to music. My friend has a sound system with speakers outside, so I just hit play on the CD changer before Justin and Ashley came over. And whereas I didn’t know what to expect, I’ve ended up enjoying over five hours of surprise music–Eric Clapton, Pink Floyd, John Mayer, you name it. Now it’s midnight, and Justin and Ashley have left, but I’m still outside, sitting on the porch swing, grooving, hoping the night will never end.

A few hours ago, after a couple of beers, I got hungry, so I put a pizza in the oven. (Justin and Ashley had already eaten.) And whereas I’m not normally fabulous at cooking, this project turned out well. (I didn’t put the round piece of cardboard in the oven like I did last time. You live, you learn.) But when it came time to take the pizza out and start eating it, I couldn’t find a pizza cutter. So I tried to slice the damn thing with a knife. Have you ever tried to do this? Talk about bullshit. It doesn’t work. You might as well try to push a wet noodle. Maybe it was because I was half-drunk, but I just couldn’t figure it out. Finally I got frustrated and ended up using my hands and tearing the pizza in half. Then I folded that in half and ate it like a sandwich. (It was delicious.) I felt like a Neanderthal.

Justin said I was being resourceful.

He should go into politics. He always knows how to spin something.

There are a few things I do every day, er, almost every day–blog, read, meditate (or otherwise concentrate on relaxing/healing). With the exception of writing now, I haven’t done any of this today. Part of me is thinking that I need to, as if the world is going to stop spinning if I don’t read ten pages in my latest self-help book and answer four questions at the end of the chapter. Clearly that’s not true. The world is not going to stop spinning, least of all because of something I do or don’t do. So, believe it or not, I’m giving myself permission to finish this blog and call it a day without completing all of my routines. Rather, I plan to stay here on this porch and listen to the crickets, the Bel Airs, and the occasional train that passes nearby. I’m going to finish my beer. Then I’m going to crawl in bed, pass out, and (hopefully) wake up ready for the week ahead.

Draw your own profound conclusions.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Not knowing what's going to happen next is part of the adventure."