Today I’ve been obsessing about what might be causing my allergies. My latest fear is that it’s my waterbed, so earlier this afternoon I stripped all the sheets off it in order to check the bladder, the thing that holds the water, for mold. I read online that if there’s a leak, mold can grow on the outside of the mattress. Also, it can grow inside the mattress if the water isn’t treated, which I’m sure mine hasn’t been in forever. If that’s the case, the internet says it will smell “musty.” Well, I didn’t immediately see any leaks or mold on the outside. Also, things didn’t smell musty on the inside. So maybe I’m not sleeping on a deathtrap.

Phew.

All that being said, now all the sheets are off my bed, so I’m thinking I might as well add conditioner or cleaner to the water while I have everything taken apart. Except I don’t have any. I just called a couple mattress stores in town, and no one carries waterbed supplies anymore because it’s not the 1980s. I told one guy, “I guess waterbeds are a little out-of-date.” Which just means I’ll have to order the conditioner online and–once again–try to be patient. I hate that.

Last night I taught a dance lesson at a friend’s house. Their eight-year-old son greeted me at the front door wearing a pajama onesie that looked like one of the Ninja Turtles. It was the cutest thing you’d ever want to see in your life. It even had a hood on it. On his feet he had a pair of red-and-black plaid slippers. Since I hate the winter and spend four months out of the year shivering, all I could think was, God, that entire outfit looks so warm. So later I asked the kid where he got the slippers, and in all his innocence, this is what he said–“My mom bought them for me.”

Oh, of course she did.

By the time the dance lesson was over, I decided I had to do “something” about my winter woes. So I drove straight to TJ Maxx and bought 1) a thicker pair of sweatpants for wearing at home and 2) a long-sleeved thermal shirt for all occasions. Then I started my hunt for slippers. Y’all, I looked at TJ Maxx, Burlington’s, Target, and Kohl’s, but apparently everyone else in the River Valley had the same idea I did–before I did. I couldn’t find a single pair of slippers that were my size.

Well–correction–I couldn’t find a single pair of “cute” slippers that were my size. I mean, this is about keeping my feet warm, but it’s also about maintaining certain fashion standards. Not to reinforce stereotypes, but I am, after all, a homosexual, and you never know when you’re going to walk out of your parents’ living room on your way to the mailbox and stumble across Mr. Right, who–quite possibly–will be so impressed with your handsome slippers that he’ll immediately think, Now there’s someone I want to marry.

These are thoughts that I actually have. And yes, I’m in therapy.

After all the running around last night, I ended up finding an acceptable pair of slippers at Walmart, of all places. Tickled shitless with myself, I immediately came home and changed into my new sweatpants and house shoes. And whereas I’m thrilled with the sweatpants, y’all, I know why they call them slippers–my feet keep slipping out of them. That being said, my feet are significantly warmer–and cuter–so I’m still considering myself a winner. Now just to check the mail and accept my wedding proposal.

It occurs to me that I am often “late to the party.” Like, not long ago I discovered this new technology called Bluetooth. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Likewise, last night I spent over an hour shopping for slippers–something I’ve never bought before. Of course, they were hard to find because the rest of the world was on top of it–they bought slippers months ago. Maybe I’m resistant to change. I get comfortable doing things a certain way, like sleeping in a type of bed that’s older than I am. I guess we all like our routines. We get stuck in shoes, beds, or even relationships that are hard to get out of because they’re familiar. We think, Maybe I can make this work a little longer. In my experience, this thinking isn’t effective, like walking around in bare feet in January. Ultimately, you have to acknowledge the winters in your life, the things that aren’t working, then do what you can to warm yourself up.