Last night I stayed up until 4:30 in the morning watching videos about symbols, religions, and conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories–there’s a rabbit hole I’ve been down more than once and always tell myself I’m NOT going down again. Not that I don’t find them fascinating. I do. Who DOESN’T love a good secret society? It’s just that the theories are SO overwhelming. The world is run by bankers, who are controlled by aliens, who built the pyramids. Y’all, I’m open to A LOT of possibilities, but gimmeabreak. Isn’t this idea a little TOO fantastic? I know, I know, that’s what those pyramid-building aliens want me to think. I’m just a pawn in their game. Fine. Whatever.

Could someone just tell me what’s for dinner?

This afternoon I slept in until 1:30, the latest I’ve slept lately. Anyway, because I didn’t have anything other than snoring on my schedule, I quickly decided to make today a library day. I’ll watch more conspiracy videos, I thought, maybe pay bills. This is exactly what I did. For two hours I watched videos while simultaneously using Google to fact check, then paid bills. And whereas in my head I’ve been making a big deal about paying bills for the last two weeks–like, it’s going to be awful, it’s going to suck–it wasn’t a big deal at all. In fact, I kind of enjoyed it. Not because I have a ton of money in the bank and it’s SO FUN to give it to my creditors, but because I rather enjoy math and balancing checkbooks.

I’ve said before that I have a lot of hangups around money. Thankfully, my hangups have gotten much better, and one of the things that’s helped me is the idea that money–paying bills and balancing your checkbook–is just math. Especially now that everything is electronic, money really is a matter of just moving numbers around. Anyway, I realized I used to do this all the time for an attorney I worked for and that it was never emotional for me. It was just addition and subtraction (which I’m good at). Only later, when it became MY MONEY, did it became emotional. That’s when I started to think, There’s not enough, there’s not enough. But lately I’ve been coming back to the idea that regardless of whether there’s a plus sign or a minus sign in front of the numbers in my checkbook register, in reality, I’m just sitting in a chair doing math.

More and more, it’s important for me to come back to reality. If I don’t, my mind can really get carried away. A year ago just the thought of paying bills would send me into a tailspin. I’d think, I’m going to end up living under a bridge, I just know it. Talk about a conspiracy theory. A conspiracy to make myself miserable. My heart would race and everything. But today when I paid bills my heart didn’t miss a beat. Not because my finances have improved, but because I have. Because I finally decided to stop making such a big production out of such a little thing. (Imagine a Hollywood-sized musical about my credit card bills here.) Because I’ve scared myself to death with visions of living in a van down by the river before, and talk about an idea that’s a little TOO fantastic. Yes, let’s come back to reality. You’re sitting in a chair doing math. It’s not the end of the world.

That won’t happen until the aliens come back.

I know, I know, they’re already here.