On What’s Gained In Between (Blog #1028)

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Last week I replaced a headlight in my car, Tom Collins. However, before I did, I replaced THE WRONG headlight in my car. That is, I replaced the high beam on the driver’s (my) side rather than the low beam. Because under the hood it was and is the easiest light to get to, the most obvious. Of course, the high beam didn’t need replacing, and so after I changed it I still had a light out. Y’all, I was so frustrated. I checked fuses and everything. Thankfully, I finally figured out 1) I’d changed the wrong bulb and 2) where the right bulb was located.

At which point I changed that one, and everything was fine.

Well.

Last night I noticed that my passenger’s side blinker was going out (you know how your dashboard indicator light will flash, flash, flash, and click, click, click real fast when there’s a problem), so today I removed my passenger side taillight assembly in an effort to change the turn signal bulb. So. The assembly has three bulbs, and I guessed the blinker was the smallest one. Wrong. Then I guessed it was the one next to the smallest one, and that was it. However, I didn’t have a bulb that was the correct size. Only one that was ALMOST the correct size. So my sweet mother got me the correct bulb at Walmart (she was going anyway), and I changed it.

And things still didn’t work.

What the hell? I thought.

Finally I realized my car, like all cars, has TWO passenger-side blinkers. One in the back and ONE IN THE FRONT. Oh, THAT’S the one that’s out! I thought. Duh. So I changed that one.

And everything worked fine.

Despite the fact that I often get upset in these situations–like, why didn’t I figure things out sooner?–today I’ve been thinking about how nothing is ever truly a waste of time. For example, a few days ago I framed this fleur-de-lis brooch.

And wheres I told myself I only had one shot to get it centered correctly, I screwed it up. That is, I drilled a hole in the backboard (an old book cover), and it was a little to the left. Crap, I thought, crap, crap, crap. Well, ever persistent, I made the hole bigger, until it was centered. Or almost centered. Then I invented a new way to “hang” the brooch. It’s a little hard to explain, but usually I use a screw and a nut and “set” the brooch pin on the nut. Well, because the nut would have held the screw off-center, I left the nut out and instead used a screw and a washer. This ended up being the perfect thing. Without the nut in the mix, there was a little wiggle room, just enough space for slipping the brooch pin in between the washer and screw head and holding the pin in place, on center.

I hope this explanation makes sense.

Even if it doesn’t make sense, my point is that with each brooch framing mistake I make, I’m learning. Likewise, each time I replace the wrong bulb in my car, I’m learning. As a recovering perfectionist, I wish I could get all things right the first time, but still. Next time, things will go a lot faster.

As far as I can tell, this “mistakes are required for learning” thing applies not only to car repair and arts and crafts, but also to relationships and healing. God knows I haven’t mastered those things yet. But I’m willing to keep trying, and I think we have to be. To ask for help when we need it and to keep getting back in the ring with our friends and family and our chronic problems. (And yes, I realize your friends and family may BE your chronic problems). Anyway, more and more I’m realizing that the point isn’t a quickly changed lightbulb or perfectly centered brooch. The point isn’t perfect relationships or perfect health. Rather, it’s the learning. It’s what’s gained in between the falling down and the getting back up again.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Nothing was made to last forever.

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On Perseverance (Blog #875)

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This morning without meaning to I drove through a no-car zone near a local school. As soon as it happened, I was like, Oh crap, I’m not supposed to be here, but it was too late. I WAS already “here,” both on the planet and in the no-car zone, so I kept going. Naturally, my inner rule-follower felt bad enough, but then one of the recess teachers gave me the evil eye as I made my way back to where I was supposed to be. I thought about it all afternoon. Like, I’M SORRY, MISTER. IT WAS A MISTAKE. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES!

Other than being a schoolyard rebel, I spent today painting. Earlier this week I started transforming a turquoise room at a friend’s house into a white room, and today, after over six hours of work, I finished. Here’s the before picture. Well, I’d already primed the ceiling, which was brown.

Here’s the after picture. Look at all that glorious white. I think the space could pass as God’s waiting room. If only the floor were gold. And there were floor-length purple drapes, of course.

This evening, in addition to starting a house-sitting gig, I spent over three hours working on my mom’s tablet. First I helped her sign up for a rewards club (she’s actually done it correctly, but since they didn’t confirm by email, I went ahead and did it again), then I worked getting all her pictures to display properly in her gallery (because they weren’t). For months, certain downloaded photos have shown as black or blank on her tablet, although the files themselves have always been fine. You could move them to another device and view them no problem. Well, everything the internet suggested didn’t work, and it suggested a lot. While going through all the possible solutions, I actually caused more problems. Finally, not only did I fix those, but I fixed the original problem as well. One app had to have its updates REMOVED, and ANOTHER app had to BE updated.

Sheesh. Technology.

By the time this ordeal was over, I was ready to spit nails. Then my dad asked me to change a lightbulb, and I tried three bulbs I found sitting around before one of them worked. In the process, I broke a perfectly good bulb. Shit, I said. It didn’t help that I was hungry.

Things are worse when you’re hungry.

Now it’s 2:15 in the morning, and I’m bound and determined to finish this in 500 words or less and go to bed. Earlier, after working on my mom’s device, I noticed I was in a tizzy. I really wanted to get that problem sorted out, and yet I was hungry, and yet I hadn’t blogged yet. So I got stressed. Finally, after grabbing a burrito (okay, two) and settling down, I took my mind off what was stressful about today and smiled–because I accomplished things. The day didn’t suck. I painted a room, I fixed a tablet. I persevered.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Sometimes the best you can do is metaphorically sit you ego down, look it square in the eye, and say, “Would you shut the fuck up already?”

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On Standards of Absolute Perfection (Blog #499)

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After posting yesterday’s blog about the right and left brains, I had a freak-out moment in the shower when I realized I got the two brains and their respective jobs mixed up. Accidentally, I’d said that the right brain thinks logically and the left brain thinks in pictures, when–in fact–it’s the other way around. The left brain thinks logically, and the right brain thinks in pictures. Anyway, I went back and fixed the mistake in my last two posts, and now I’m trying to figure out how I can make it up to the other half of me, since I inadvertently praised my left brain, when I should have been praising MY RIGHT BRAIN.

Don’t you hate it when your left brain tries to take credit FOR EVERYTHING?

But seriously. Who came up with this system? It’s so confusing. For one thing, it’s criss-crossed. The left brain controls the right side of the body, and the right brain controls the left side of the body. Consequently, being right or left-handed USUALLY means that you’re opposite-side brain dominant. For example, I’m right-handed and left-brain dominant. But this is NOT ALWAYS the case. A person can be right-handed AND right-brain dominant or vice-versa.

Having mulled all of this over for the last twenty-four hours, I’m still not positive I have the facts straight. (And who really cares if I do?) But I do know that the entire situation has taught me that I’m making progress internally. What I mean is that yesterday when I realized my goof, I only had a slight moment of freaking out, thinking, Oh shit, I made a mistake! Whatever will the people on the internet think of me now? And I really didn’t engage in any self-flagellation. How could I let this happen? Rather, I simply finished my shower, double-checked my facts, corrected the error, and went about my day. It was that easy.

And the world didn’t stop spinning.

Honestly, daily blogging has been really good for this–lowering my standards of absolute perfection (whatever that is). Tomorrow will be my 500th post (wow!), and after almost 500 days of spilling my guts and posting selfies, I just don’t give a shit as much as I used to. (And that’s a good thing.) In the beginning, I’d proofread my posts six or seven times before sharing them. Now I proofread them three times, sometimes just two if I’m tired. I know plenty of mistakes slip through. Oh well. Plenty of glorious things slip through as well.

At least I’m writing.

In terms of my selfies, they’ve been a wonderful exercise in accepting all my bodies, all my bad hair days, all my double chins. Who has the time (and good enough lighting) to post a perfect picture every time? So yes, sometimes I look like that. Sometimes I don’t. (Who cares?)

At least I’m living.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you’re making yourself up to get someone else’s approval–stop it–because you can’t manipulate anyone into loving you. People either embrace you for who and what you are–or they don’t.

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