On Being Irritated (Blog #687)

Leave a comment

Last night I dreamed I was being bitten by mosquitoes. I hate mosquitoes. When I woke up, my first thought was that the dream had to do with being irritated. Mosquitoes, after all, are SOOO annoying.

This morning I had my third and final appointment with my dermatologist this week. On Monday I got patch tested for skin allergies by being exposed to 74 “common household ingredients.” On Wednesday I found out that I’m immediately allergic to four things, the worst of which is mercury, the most common of which is peppermint. Today I found out that I had “delayed reactions” to two OTHER things–cinnamic aldehyde (cinnamon) and neomycin sulfate (as in Neosporin). Geez. What the hell–delayed reactions? I guess that’s my skin’s way of saying what I’ve said to many an ex-boyfriend–“Initially I thought we’d get along, but now that I’ve had some time to think it over, I can’t see things working out between us.”

Or as Simon Cowell would say, “It’s a no for me.”

Believe it or not, when I got the news about my skin being allergic to a total of six different things, I didn’t freak out. Granted, cinnamon and peppermint are in every mouthwash, toothpaste, and dental floss out there, but whatever, I don’t need to take care of my teeth. After going through a battery of immune system tests last year and being told repeatedly that nothing was wrong, it was actually good to be given an explanation for at least one of my problems–contact dermatitis. And whereas the worst of it (a rash) is already under control, perhaps now we can get the least of it (itchy skin) under control. My dermatologist said, “I know it seems daunting, but all you have to do is avoid these ingredients.”

Encouraged by this pep talk and the ida that I could see results in as little as a month (because that’s how long it takes skin cells to regenerate), I went to the natural food store this afternoon to buy new personal products, since all of mine are on my no-no list. “Just think,” my dermatologist said, “you can go on a shopping spree.” (Like I needed an excuse.) Anyway, armed with a phone app that reads barcodes and compares product ingredients against my allergens, I started checking products. Y’all, I scanned at least two dozen toothpastes, shampoos, conditioners, body lotions, and shaving creams, and–no shit–every one one came back either as “not in our database” or “not safe for you.” (I kept thinking, No soup for you!) And whereas this normally would have sent me over the edge, today, for whatever reason, it made me laugh.

Perhaps this was a grace.

At this point, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Honestly, I think I could keep using the products I’ve been using and survive, since my reactions have been slow and delayed. However, I would like to listen to my body, clean things up, and give my skin a fresh start, so I’ll probably end up ordering some products the app recommends online. And whereas it’s frustrating that my choices are limited (because apparently my no-no ingredients are in EVERYTHING), at least it makes the selection process simpler. Plus, I was only using ONE shampoo, ONE conditioner before, so it’s not like a need a hundred options anyway.

This evening I’ve been telling myself that this isn’t a huge deal. I don’t have a major disease; I have irritated skin. Chances are that’s what my mosquito dream was about last night–the fact that my skin is even more worked up than normal because I haven’t had an antihistamine in a week (because of the testing). But it’s not lost on me that I’m generally irritated and worked up about something. They say that’s common with people who’ve been through  significant trauma–you can’t really calm down because you’re always holding your breath, waiting for the other show to drop. So I want to continue to work on that part of it, to do whatever I can to exhale.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

You've got to believe that things can turn around, that even difficult situations--perhaps only difficult situations--can turn you into something magnificent.

"

Life Is What You Make It (Blog #462)

Leave a comment

Currently it’s five in the evening, and I need to work on another writing assignment, one of my travel-writing stories, but since I slept for ten or twelve hours last night and am STILL tired, I want to get the blog done before doing anything else. This is my mantra today–

Me first.

Still, in an order to make this go faster, I’m doing today’s post as a list of random thoughts and gratitudes.

1. Two’s a party

I hate spending holidays alone, nothing to do. Apparently my friend Bonnie feels the same way, so last night for the 4th of July we met up and walked down to the river, where there were fireworks. Along the way I watched the stars and planets come out. I saw Mercury for the first time! You’d have thought I won the lottery I was so excited. That’s five planets you can see in the sky now with your naked eyes–Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn.

Eeek!

After the fireworks, Bonnie and I sat on the grass by the river and listened to a local band that was playing under the stars. I continued to look for constellations. I may be developing an obsession.

2. Being obsessed makes it hard to rest

Before I came home last night, Bonnie let me borrow a couple stargazing books and a pair of binoculars. Talk about encouraging my new hobby. Starting at one-thirty in the morning, I lay in my driveway for nearly an hour searching for stars, constellations, and galaxies. I was like a kid in a candy shop. Not only did I see the craters of the moon, but I also clearly identified (for the first time) the constellations Hercules, Corona Borealis, Lyra (The Harp), and Aquila (which sort of looks like a wizard’s hat).

Before I went to bed I got overwhelmed–there’s so much to learn about the sky! But this morning I thought, Marcus, the stars aren’t going anywhere fast. You can take your time here.

3. You brave your way, I’ll brave mine

This afternoon I spoke with my friend Kim, a fellow night owl. We talked about our tendency to judge ourselves for being different, like, for staying up late and sleeping in. But, as Kim said, “Some of us brave the day; some of brave the night.”

4. Ask and you shall receive

Yesterday I hung an antique chandelier in my room but left off a few crystals that had broken while in storage. Hoping to find a place where I could buy replacement crystals, last night I asked Bonnie if she knew of a place that sold them.

Get this shit.

Bonnie had some leftover crystals from a “glitz and glamour” wedding she helped decorate a few years ago–the EXACT kind that I needed.

Sometimes life is easy.

5. Life is what you make it

One of the pieces of artwork I hung in my room recently is an autographed poster of Dawn Hampton, a swing dancing legend. Dawn grew up entertaining with her family at The Savoy Ballroom in Harlem and later made a career as a singer in the gay bathhouses where Bette Midler and Barry Manilow got their start. Anyway, one of Dawn’s songs is called “Life Is What You Make It,” and this idea is on my mind today. Fun and fascination don’t have to be complicated–they can be as simple as a single friend, a blanket of stars, or both. We don’t have to get in a hurry about anything. We don’t HAVE to judge ourselves for being different. Life isn’t as difficult as we think it is.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

In other words, there's always SOMETHING else to improve or work on. Therefore, striving for perfection is not only frustrating, it's also technically impossible.

"

Jupiter and Me (Blog #458)

Leave a comment

Thoughts–

1. Sleep

Today I slept in, took a nap this afternoon. My body is tired and wants to rest. I judge it, judge me, think it’s lazy. But I’m learning to listen. I have to. The body always wins.

2. I got 99 problems, and a book is one

There’s a song that says, “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” This is true for my life. However, while surveying my room today, I noticed another problem. I’ve started the book collecting thing again. This after my big estate sale in which I sold hundreds I never read. Now I have a dozen lying around my room, some partially read, some–like me–waiting to be noticed. This afternoon I started to get overwhelmed, like I HAVE to read them, check them off THE LIST. But then I thought, Marcus, you’re just creating problems for yourself. There’s not a problem in this room, except the ones you’re imagining.

3. Some planets move slower than others

This afternoon I read more about the stars and planets. The sky is starting–starting–to make sense. I’m currently fascinated with the fact that Mercury laps the sun every 88 days (earth takes 365), but Jupiter takes nearly 12 years, spending almost a full year in each constellation of the zodiac. There’s Mercury, running himself ragged. (Run, Mercury, run.) Ole Jupiter isn’t in a hurry.

Honestly, I’m so much like Mercury–I can’t read fast enough, can’t get to wherever I’m going fast enough. Today I’ve been faced with my emotions–frustration, sadness, not having answers–and I can’t get over them fast enough. But what if I settled in, moved like Jupiter, accepted that I’ll get “there” soon enough, that–shit–there’s nowhere really to go?

I’d probably feel better.

4. Friends help a lot

Now I’m with my friends Bonnie and Todd, on their porch. We’re talking about emotions, relationships, even the stars and planets. At least for me, speaking my worries and concerns out loud makes them more bearable, seem smaller. I told Bonnie about my book concerns, then five minutes later she gave me another book, a gift she picked up for me in Nashville. We both laughed, I felt better, got excited about the book. I thought, I got 99 problems, but a book ain’t one.

5. Inspiration

In addition to the book, Bonnie gave me a print she found in an antique store. It’s a simple drawing of a typewriter and a cup of coffee. “The tools of your trade,” Bonnie said. “It’s perfect,” I replied, noticing that the paper was stained in coffee. Like me, or at least my teeth. I plan to add it to my alter, for inspiration. Looking at the drawing now, I see that it’s unsigned. To me, this is beautiful, that a total stranger would create something–a muse for someone like me–and not ask for recognition in return. Like a slow-moving planet that would never think to call out, “Look at me.”

6. At least someone loves me

All things are moving as they should.

Earlier on the porch I got bit by several mosquitoes. Those bastards love me. So that’s something, someone does. Now the air has changed, the mosquitoes have moved on, my histamine reaction is calming down. I’m calming down. This is my life lately–getting upset and calming down, reminding myself that all things including Jupiter and me are moving as they should, remembering that people notice me, love me.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

You can rise above. You can walk on water.

"