Last night I watched the movie Wonder and cried all the way through. It’s about a boy with a genetically deformed face and his struggle for acceptance, both from himself and others. The movie is based on the novel (with the same title) by R.J. Palacio, and I actually enjoyed it more than the book. The book is broken up so that each chapter is told by a different character, and although I loved the overall story, I had trouble “settling in” because the point of view kept changing. I never could get past the writing. But that wasn’t a problem last night with the movie. I was totally settled in. I was a mess.
You should watch it and be a mess too.
Today I slept in until one in the afternoon. (It’s two now. I’ve already had breakfast and am currently blogging. I am ON it.) Anyway, I’m teaching and performing tonight at a local USO dance. It’s a fundraiser, and I believe the organizers are planning to whore me out for “$5 dollars dances.” My grandpa was in the Navy, and here’s what he said about whores–“Five dollars, five minutes.” So I guess that will be my slogan for the evening. All this to say that I tried to get as much sleep as possible last night because I plan on being worn out this evening. In the best way, of course.
One of my friends messaged me and said, “Are you psyching yourself up for all the dances tonight?” Except instead of saying “psyching yourself up,” she said “patching yourself up.” (Freaking autocorrect.) I said, “I’ll be patching myself up AFTER.”
I had a lot of dreams last night. Now I can’t stop thinking about them. That’s the damn thing about deciding to pay attention to your dreams (or anyone). Once they see you’re interested, they won’t leave you alone. Give ’em an inch, they’ll take a mile. (Rude, I know.) Anyway, the main dream last night involved my being at a large mansion for some sort of party. First my friends and I had to make it through the gate, this large, wrought-iron deal. Once we made it inside, there were tons of rooms and–get this–tons of refrigerators. More than any one person could ever need. They were inside and outside. It was like an ice-box collection. They were all full of food, and, of course, I was on the search for just the right thing to eat.
My therapist says houses always represent yourself, your life, your physical person. So the fact that I’m dreaming about mansions, I think, is a good thing. Maybe I’m bigger than I realize. It’s obviously taken some work (the iron gate) to get inside, but now that I’m here, maybe it’s almost time for the party (the fun part of life). As for the refrigerators, I’ve been dreaming about them for the last few years. They just show up now and then–usually only one of them–and I’ve never been able to figure out their meaning. I read online that they refer to “cold emotions,” but my therapist says online dream dictionaries (and all dream dictionaries) are bullshit. Anyway, when I woke up this morning, the meaning of the refrigerators was clear as day. I thought, Duh. They represent stored energy. They represent my potential.
I can’t tell you how exciting this revelation is. I just looked at some of my digital dream journals for other refrigerator dreams. In one of them, I was cleaning paint off the outside (getting ready to clean things up). In a later one, the inside of the refrigerator was empty except for some Post-It Notes (meaning I still had things to do). The last time I dreamed about a refrigerator, there were juice bottles inside, but they were empty (I felt like I was out of juice?). In last night’s dream, there wasn’t just one refrigerator, but dozens–inside and outside–and all full of food. I can only assume, since the dream came from my unconscious, that this means I have no idea how much stored energy is waiting to be used in both my interior and exterior life.
You get to hope for a better ending.
That being said, I’m currently exhausted. I’m ready to start dreaming about microwaves, about actually eating some of that food in those refrigerators. (Let’s use that potential!) Still, I’m grateful to see the progression. This is one of the nice things about paying attention to your dreams and (sometimes) writing them down. You get to see that–deep down–something is actually going on with you, that there’s progress being made even when you feel like life is punching you in the gut. Like the movie I watched last night, you get to watch yourself struggle then overcome and find acceptance. As you see your story changing, you get to hope for a better ending than the one you’ve always imagined. You get to believe it could actually come true.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can't build a house, much less a life, from the outside-in. Rather, if you want something that's going to last, you have to start on the inside and work your way out, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is.
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