Today I started painting a new room at my friend’s house that I’ve been working at this month. And whereas the room is small, it’s still taking longer than it “should” because it’s requiring three coats of paint instead of two–one coat of primer and two coats of white. This afternoon I rolled and cut in one coat of primer and one coat of white. Oh my gosh, y’all, I made such a mess–mostly on myself–because the primer and the paint splattered so much when I rolled them on the ceiling. When I took a break to see my chiropractor, not only was I covered in paint, I was also covered in sweat. I thought about going home to change, but then I thought, Fuck it.

Wayne Dyer tells a story about when he was in college and studying Maslow. His teacher said, “If a self-actualized person went to a party dressed in blue jeans and a t-shirt but everyone else were dressed in tuxedos and ballgowns, what would the self-actualized person do?” Well, Dyer and his classmates had all sorts of thoughts. The guy would go home. The guy would change clothes. The guy would stay but feel embarrassed. The guy would stay but wouldn’t care. “No!” the professor said, “The self-actualized person wouldn’t notice.”

Okay. That sounds nice, right? Who wouldn’t love to go through life so self-assured that you don’t even NOTICE when you’re sticking out like a sore thumb? Alas, I’ve talked to my therapist about this hypothetical situation, and we both called bullshit. “I don’t know ANYONE with a respectable IQ that wouldn’t NOTICE,” I said. “Wouldn’t you NOTICE if you walked outside and it were a hundred degrees? Or if your tires fell off your car while you were driving down the highway?”

“I’ve known some pretty spiritual people,” my therapist said, “but I’ve never met anyone who’s self-actualized by that definition. Self-possessed, certainly. I’ve known plenty of self-possessed people.”

My therapist explained that self-possessed people carry themselves with confidence. They don’t ask the world’s permission to exist. In my experience, it’s not that you don’t NOTICE what other people are doing or wearing, it just doesn’t have a bearing on what you do or wear. Since putting my dance instruction videos on YouTube and my life in general on this blog, I’ve had both friends and total strangers tell me to get rid of my blonde hair, never wear flip flops to dance in, stop wearing hats and bandanas, stop wearing so many black t-shirts, and smile more. With all due respect, go fuck yourself. I’m an adult and capable of not only dressing myself, but also taking care of myself in ever aspect of my life. I’m not saying I have everything figured out, but whenever I need help, I have a long list of professionals whom I can consult. My therapist and my chiropractor, for example.

My point in sharing these examples is mostly to say that as you walk the path of self-possession, there will be plenty of voices that tell you you’re doing something wrong. Don’t give them much notice. Even this voice, my voice. Rather, take what serves you and disregard the rest. Just like I am, you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. The more you own your capabilities, the more the world will accept you as you are. In the last few years I’ve found I’m just as comfortable going out in public covered in paint as I am in a suit and tie. Not that I feel equally “hot” in both get-ups, but my self-worth doesn’t change. Either way I don’t worry about what other people will think or worry if they’ll be disappointed in me. This is who I am–warts and all.

It’s that simple.

Here’s one final thing to consider in terms of self-possession. A self-possessed adult doesn’t tell another adult what to wear or what to do. (Why, Marcus?) Because a self-possessed person is too busy working out their own shit and trying to be responsible for their own life to be concerned with someone else’s. Going back to Dyer’s example, this means only an insecure person would tell the guy in jeans and a t-shirt he needed to change. I mean, a self-possessed person COULD do it (if there were a rule or boundary to enforce), but an insecure person most likely WOULD–because they feel insecure, because they need someone or something outside of them to change in order for them to feel better. That’s the deal with self-possessed people. They know what’s outside them doesn’t really matter. This is why they’re comfortable in both rags or robes. It’s what’s inside them that determines their joy.