On Being Lighter Inside (Blog #1055)

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Here’s something cool that’s come as the result of the healing work I’ve been doing these last few years. Last week when I saw my therapist and she brought up the subject of money (like, how to make some), I didn’t want to crawl under the table. Two years ago, I would have. At the very least I would have listened to her suggestions and thought, That may be fine for someone else, but it’ll never work for me. But last week, strangely enough, I was like, Okay, yeah, I can do that. The cool thing being that I haven’t been consciously TRYING to get more comfortable discussing personal business strategies. At least not lately. And yet somewhere along the way I apparently lightened up around the topic.

This being said, today when my therapist encouraged me to set financial goals, I started to squirm. Now, let’s be clear, I didn’t aim for the floor. I just shifted in my seat. Still, I can see that I haven’t COMPLETELY lightened up when it comes to thinking about my financial future and how I want to get there (uh, in a limousine, please). That is, there’s still some heaviness around the subject.

Along the lines of lightness and heaviness, last night I read a short story by H.G. Wells called The Truth about Pyecraft, Pyecraft being an extremely fat chap of a man who ingests a magic potion in order to lose weight. Alas, the magic potion turns out to be a stickler for words. Instead of losing FAT, Pyecraft only loses weight, like the thing that, along with gravity, holds you down. Still the same size as he was before, Pyecraft begins to float, all the way to the ceiling. Of course, this is a damn nuisance, not at all what he’d hoped for. And yet he can’t undo the spell, so he does the next best thing: he puts lead in his underwear. The next thing you know, he’s back on the ground. Still big as a barn, he’s actually light as a feather. THIS is the truth about Pyecraft, the truth only he and one other person know.

And me and you too, of course.

I’ve been thinking about this story a lot today, about how it’s really quite literal. Not in a physical sense, but in a psychic sense. That is, regardless of how much our scales say we weigh, we all have histories and issues that weigh us down and cause us to be mentally and emotionally heavy. THIS is the truth about Pyecraft, that you can’t judge a person’s psychic weight by their body. Someone could be the size of a junior high cheerleader and have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Conversely, someone could weigh four hundred pounds and not be worried about a thing.

More and more, I’m more concerned with psychic weight than I am with physical weight. Not that I want to let myself go, but my psychic weight has caused me more issues than my physical weight ever has. My issues around money, being good enough, being terrified (of life)–these are the things that have weighed me down, really kept me from soaring. This, I assume, is the case for all of us, that it’s not what’s visible that keeps us from moving forward, but rather what’s invisible. Our secrets. Fortunately, there are ways to lighten up, to heal. Especially in today’s world of abundant and mostly free information. (For those interested, here’s a website I ran across recently that lists books and therapies about healing trauma, many of which have been helpful to me.) Now, obviously you have to put in the time. You’ve gotta do The Hard Work. But it’s worth it. Any effort you put to being lighter inside is worth it. It’s the difference between It’ll never work and Yeah, I can do that. And that’s everything.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Even if you can't be anything you want to be, you can absolutely be who you were meant to be. Don't let anyone else tell you differently.

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On Being Comfortable in Your Own Skin (Blog #984)

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This last week I ate three cheeseburgers, two frosty treats, a plateful of salty nachos, a number of bite-sized desserts, and an ungodly amount of peanut butter (although I guess God did make the glorious stuff). And whereas I was expecting to have gained weight since my last weigh-in eight days ago, this afternoon I discovered I’ve actually lost 1.4 pounds. This brings me to not my lowest weight since I decided to get right with the food lord a few months ago, but to almost my lowest. It’s in the top–er, bottom–three. Perhaps dancing and going to the gym last week paid off. Maybe my metabolism is improving thanks to The Brainstem Wizard. Regardless, I’m considering this a Christmas miracle.

God bless us, everyone.

Motivated to not be drastically derailed from my diet by all the easily available holiday sweets (and my willingness to put them in my mouth), I’ve spent today fasting. Whenever I post pictures on the blog I title them first, and tonight’s selfie is called “icouldeatmyownarm.” So that’s how it’s going. Alas, if I can make it several more hours I can go to bed, today’s fast will be over, and peanut butter and I can be friends again.

Because fasting tends to put me in a cranky mood (I could eat my own arm), I’ve spent the day doing non-stressful things–reading books, watching YouTube. But this evening I thought SURELY I could survive a trip to Walmart, Lowe’s, and Walgreens. You know, for just a few items–prescriptions, shampoo, and such. And whereas I went and survived, it took me five minutes to decide what kind of lightbulbs I needed for one of my lamps and ten minutes to decide what kind of rubber grippy things I needed for the bottom of our microwave. Ugh. Thinking is so hard without food. And get this shit. With respect to both the light bulbs AND the rubber grippy things, I made the WRONG decision. Which means I’ll be going back.

Thank god for returns and exchanges.

The problem with the lightbulbs is that they are BRIGHT white and not SOFT white. When I screwed them into my lamp earlier I noticed they looked different on the outside but tried to convince myself they’d still work. Try something new, I thought. But when I turned the lamp on I was like, Ick, gross, too harsh, I could never. I mean, I could if they were the last lightbulbs in the world and I absolutely had to find my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. But as long as I’ve got the option of softer lighting, I’m going for it. I am, after all, not twenty anymore. My skin’s not as tight as it used to be.

It looks better in indirect lighting.

Along these lines, recently a friend I hadn’t seen in a while told me there was something different about me. “If I had to sum it up nicely,” they said, “you’re more comfortable in your own skin.” I replied, “Maybe that’s because with each passing year my skin is easier and easier to fit into.” But seriously, think about it. No wonder taught-skinned teenagers are so angsty. They’re physically constricted, trapped in their own flesh corsets. But–thankfully–as we age we literally loosen up. Our epidermis becomes the equivalent of sweatpants. Isn’t that nice? We get something we can relax in.

Something we can wear to Walmart.

I keep thinking about the fact that I only have so many of these blogs left (until I reach 1,000, until I reach 1,095). One of my friends is planning a small party for my upcoming milestone, and it’s honestly terrifying me (the milestone, not the party). I think, What if I get to the end and still have more to say? What if my last blog isn’t fabulous? What if it’s ordinary? Alas, more and more I realize there will always be more to say and do. We never get it done–because there’s nothing to get done. Life isn’t a to-do list; it’s an experience. Additionally, in a universe where it’s normal for comets to streak across the sky and for full-grown oaks to evolve out of acorns, there’s nothing wrong with being ordinary because what we consider ordinary is actually miraculous. We look in the mirror and pick ourselves apart–this is too loose, that is too big–and we forget.

We’re absolutely marvelous just the way we are.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"No one comes into this life knowing how to dance, always moving with grace."

It’s Not the End of the World (Blog #962)

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Phew. This last week I committed a lot of food sins. I ate hamburgers and fries, chocolate cake, and peanut butter and jelly–from the jar. And whereas I enjoyed every minute of it, there was a price to pay. From a week ago today, this morning I was up four pounds. Yowza. Most of the day I haven’t been sure how I feel about this, but this evening I decided I might as well like it–since what’s done is done and I although I can’t immediately change the results, I can change how I think about them. Like, It’s not the end of the world, and maybe a few extra pounds will keep me from freezing to death.

The weather has been cold lately.

Partly because my weight was up and partly because I’ve been doing it one day a week anyway, today I’ve fasted. This afternoon I went to the movie theater with friends to see Charlie’s Angels and actually turned down hot buttered popcorn. Twice. Talk about willpower. That being said, if someone walked into this room right now and offered me dinner consisting solely of my leather dress shoes (get it, solely?), I’d accept.

With some ketchup, of course.

I’m not a complete barbarian.

In addition to giving my body a chance to cleanse from last night’s indulgences (I went to a wedding and a birthday party and ate a total of four platefuls of food and three pieces of cake), today’s fasting is reminding me of the importance of balance. Not that every meal has to be balanced, but like, if you overdo it, you should–at some point–underdo it. I think this is why my therapist is such a big fan of my using this period of my life to slow down and chill out. I’ve spent so many years go, go, going, it’s like I need the rest. Not just because my body is sometimes tired, but also because, as she says, the natural state of the universe is neutral. Meaning that what goes up, MUST come down.

Did you hear that, bathroom scales?

One thing about not eating all day is that it makes it harder to think. Like, right now I can’t quite put my finger on what I’d like to say. Other than, Dear lord, would someone please give me a hot dog on a bun?! That’s another thing about not eating. It makes you irritable. Not that this is the worst thing. Recently I heard that if you trust someone, you could ask them, “What do you think I should know about myself but are afraid to tell me because you don’t think I’d react well?” Whether you do this or not, I think it’s worth considering for yourself, and it’s why I say being irritable isn’t the worst thing. It’s good to know your triggers. What is it that makes you feel scared and vulnerable, throw a temper tantrum, act petty?

Getting back to the idea of balance, if you know what your triggers are, you can work with them consciously and therefore mitigate your own potentially volatile reactions. I’ve said before that I have a lot of triggers around money, but recently I realized that I’m already living one of my worst financial fears–being back at home with my parents and not knowing when my next paycheck is going to come along. I’ve actually been living this way for almost three years now. And you know what? It’s not that bad. Could things get worse? For sure, but what my mental, emotional, and physical triggers around money have taught me is that I can handle whatever comes along. This doesn’t help me LOVE my circumstances more, but it does help me ACCEPT them. This is huge because for the rest of my life it means I don’t have to freak out every time a circumstance is challenging.

It seems to me that a lot of life is freaking out about one thing or another–how much you weigh, how much money is in your bank account. I said recently that I’ve observed a number of supervisors backstage at musicals, and that some of them are rude and some of them are kind, but either way the work always gets done. The implication being, All things being equal, why not be kind? Along these lines, if life has taught you that you can handle whatever comes along and that everything is always fine in the end, why not stop freaking out? Or are you addicted to the drama? But seriously. So you’re weight’s up one day and down the next. So your bank account is too. You’re okay.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All things become ripe when they’re ready.

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On Being Confident and Enough (Blog #949)

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Last week, from Sunday evening until Tuesday at noon, I fasted for forty consecutive hours, and since it went so well (I lost 4.2 pounds and reached my lowest weight since I don’t know when), I’m doing it again. Last night at eight I stopped eating, and I haven’t eaten all day today. And whereas I’ve been hungry, only water and green tea have passed my lips. Granted, I’ve been tempted. This afternoon my aunt offered me a bowl of chili, and I almost dove headfirst into the pot. But, having seen good results with what I’ve done thus far (I’ve lost a total of eleven pounds as of this morning), I’m too motivated to continue to quit.

This last week, honestly, I probably ate “worse” than I have since I started my one-year-to-forty health plan seven weeks ago. For example, this weekend was full of carbs–I inhaled tacos, pasta, a huge cheeseburger and fries, AND pancakes (with peanut butter, butter, and syrup). Crap, I shouldn’t have mentioned that. Now I’m starving. Anyway, despite my indulgences, when I weighed this morning I was still down 3.8 pounds from a week ago and only up .4 pounds from my lowest (after last week’s fast). I assume this is because my body’s metabolism is changing and also because whenever I indulged I made my next meal a light snack. Saint Augustine said, “Love, and do what you will.” I say, “Find balance, and eat what you will.”

But seriously, pancakes with peanut butter.

This afternoon I saw my chiropractor who works with emotions and their physical manifestation, and we dove into an issue that used to plague me quite a bit but hasn’t plagued me in a while–hives. During our conversation, my chiropractor asked how having hives made me feel. Panicked, out of control, I thought. (In his method, you don’t have to verbalize your answers). Then he asked me to go back to the first time I felt that way. Thinking of a time when I was about five or six, I said, “Got it.” Then he said, “If you could have felt any other way [besides panicked or out of control], what would that have been?”

“The word that keeps coming to mind is confident,” I said.

Well, me must have hit on something true because when I left my chiropractor’s office and climbed in my car, I began repeating to myself out loud, I am confident, and ended up crying. So often I think my entire intuitive and healing system is broken, but moments like this one remind me that it’s not. Likewise, the fact that I can stick to a dietary plan and lose weight reminds me that I am not the exception to the rules of health and healing. My body (inside and out) was made to work.

Getting back to the idea of confidence, this is what I’m talking about. Sometimes when you’ve faced one disappointment after another, you start to question whether you’ve got what it takes to get by in this world. You start to think that relationships, success, and healing are for everyone else but not for you. But the truth is anything can happen to any of us. We all have our challenges. We all have our triumphs. Things can turn–either way–on a dime. More and more I believe we all have “the stuff” to handle whatever comes our way.

Something else I’ve been thinking about today centers around the idea of reaching your goals. For example, seven weeks ago I set a goal to lose ten to fifteen pounds, and–technically–I’m there. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m finished eating well and fasting once a week, since my original goal was to maintain a certain weight and size and–also–work out consistently for a year and see what happens. God knows I’ve seen what happens when I DON’T eat well and exercise. But my point is that part of me is never satisfied. I lose ten pounds and instead of celebrating I immediately think it needs to be twenty, which simply isn’t reasonable for me. Thus, nothing is ever good enough. I’m never good enough.

My therapist says that getting what you want is scary, that her office is full of people who say they want a different body or better relationship, and as soon as they come close to actually getting one, find a way to sabotage it. They binge on a bucket of ice cream. They flake out our cheat on Mr. or Miss Right. They shoot themselves in the foot. In effect, they prove to themselves that what they want doesn’t exist or is beyond their reach. This has been true in my experience. I’m so used to struggling (in terms of healing, for example), it’s easier to think my goals are unattainable than to think they are attainable and NOT reach them.

Thankfully, this attitude is changing for me. In terms of my body, I’m believing more and more that “this is good enough,” that I don’t have to be the perfect weight, have the perfect cholesterol. There’s no such thing. There’s simply how you are right here, right now, and are you going to love yourself or not? Over two and a half years ago I set out on a journey to blog every day for a year. Well, I did it, and my goal became to blog every day for two years, which I also did. Now the current goal is to blog every day for three years, and I’m telling myself that’s gotta be it–not matter what else I have to say, no matter how many people have or haven’t read it, no matter whether or not the project seems successful to myself or others. At some point, you stop struggling. You give it up. You surrender. After you’ve done all you can do, you let go of the results.

Whatever the results are, they’re enough. You’re enough.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you want to find a problem, you will.

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Is It Serious? (Blog #943)

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Sunday evening I started a forty-hour fast that I broke today. Yesterday, Monday, I weighed myself. It wasn’t pretty. I was up 1.6 pounds for the week, a total gain of 2.6 pounds from my lowest point two weeks ago. But then I weighed again today, Tuesday, just before I ended my fast. Y’all, in twenty-four hours I lost 4.2 pounds! This means I’ve lost a total of 11.6 pounds in the last six weeks and am currently at my lowest weight since–I don’t know–over a year ago. (Insert my elastic pants breathing a collective sigh of relief here.) I can’t tell you how thrilled I am. I’m five pounds away from skinny-bitch size and ten pounds away from twink size. That being said, if I lose any more body fat, I’m going to have to invest in some flannel underwear for the winter.

This is the essence of balance–skinny bitches and twinks may thrive in the sun, but they shiver in the snow.

Getting back to my forty-hour fast, it was fine. Sure, I got hungry, but never more than I get on a regular basis. The hunger just lasted longer. And whereas I probably went a smidge overboard at breakfast this afternoon (I ate at 12:30), my body handled it well. Sort of. You know that noise an old car makes when you’re trying to start it for the first time in a year–chugga, chugga, splat, hiss, roar? That’s what my stomach sounded like fifteen minutes after breakfast. But that was it. This afternoon I had a light snack (nuts and an apple) and this evening I had a bowl of chicken fried rice and an egg roll, no problem.

After breakfast I exercised at home (part of my routine is pictured above) and listened to a lecture by Alan Watts about the difference between work and play. Watts says it’s mostly a mindset, that he’s seen shoe shiners and bus drivers having an absolute ball by essentially turning their work into a dance. This analogy, of course, made sense to me (because I’m a dancer), the idea that there’s a way to move through any job or task with rhythm and energy. I’ve been trying to do this all day. While doing handyman work, I danced with my tools. While folding laundry, I danced with my pants and socks. Now I’m dancing with my keyboard. Mary Poppins said, “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and–snap!–the job’s a game.” Same idea.

I really like this notion of treating whatever you’re doing as a dance, of turning your work into a game. This evening I installed a grab bar in my parents’ shower, and it really was a hoot. For one thing, it was like a mystery–Where can I find a stud (but seriously, where?), Is this gong to work out? In this sense, my working in my parents’ shower was a mini version of my entire life, me wondering what’s going to happen next, if everything is going to come together. And whereas I can’t speak for the future, so far everything HAS come together–including tonight’s shower project–so I’m betting whatever’s left will too.

Watts says there are four fundamental philosophical questions–Who started it?, Are we gonna make it?, Where are we gonna put it?, and Who’s gonna clean up? These questions, he says, beg a fifth question–Is it serious? Well, if you’re familiar with Watts’s work, you’ll know he’d answer no, whatever it is isn’t serious. It won’t matter in a hundred years. What’s more, life is a dance, life is a game. This viewpoint makes the biggest difference. Normally when I diet and exercise I put all this pressure on myself. Like I’m going to hell if I don’t succeed in lowering my cholesterol. But this time around I’ve been more lighthearted about it, like, I’m just going to play around with this and see what happens. You can do this with anything–your finances, your relationships, your job. Don’t make changes because you HAVE TO, because you MUST, but rather because you can, because you WANT to, because it’s fun.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Everything is progressing as it should.

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Capable (Blog #934)

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Five weeks ago I started intermittent fasting (eating between noon and 8 PM) and eating healthier (mostly paleo). When I weighed in a week ago, I’d lost 9.8 pounds (woowho). When I weighed today I was up a pound (boo). Still, this is a total loss of 8.8 pounds, and that’s not too shabby, especially considering I’ve been fighting some sinus junk for the last three weeks and haven’t done much exercising. Thankfully, the junk seems to be (finally) clearing out, so forgetting that which is behind, I press forward toward the mark of getting into my own pants (since I can’t get into anyone else’s).

That’s a sex joke, Mom.

Since I began intermittent fasting, a number of people including my therapist have suggested I try fasting for at least a day because fasting for longer periods of time gives your body a break (from digesting) and allows it to focus on healing. So in the spirit of trying new things for the sake of my health (and waistline), starting last night at 9:30 (after I ate a piece of pumpkin pie), I fasted for 23 hours. And whereas I was definitely hungry, it wasn’t terrible. In fact, today was kind of the perfect day. I slept in, spent six hours watching Season 3 of The Deuce, and went for a hourlong walk. Then at 8:30 I had dinner (thanks, Mom). And whereas I ate two helpings, I didn’t go crazy. Now it’s 9:55 and I feel fine–not hungry, not full.

For me the hardest part about not eating for almost 24 hours was deciding I could do it. It’s weird how attached you can get to the idea of food. You think, I’ve got to have it. Last night and this morning (before I’d fully committed to doing this thing) I thought, I’m not sure if I can skip two meals. What if I die? Of course, I didn’t really think of fasting as a matter of life and death, but I did wonder the same thing I’ve always wondered when I’ve quit cigarettes–What if I’m not strong enough? But having quit cigarettes and now having fasted for just under a day, I know I am strong enough. In both cases, it was just a matter of deciding I was going to do it.

And then doing it.

Something else I’ve recently decided to do is take cold showers. This last February I listened to a podcast about the benefits of cold exposure, and although the idea of exercising your cardiovascular system by subjecting it to varied (cold) temperatures made sense to me, I didn’t do much with it. However, last week I signed up for a free 10-day online class with The Iceman, Wim Hof, who’s a huge proponent of cold therapy and deep breathing. Wim has been awarded 26 world records, including one for climbing Mt. Everest in a pair of shorts. Anyway, I figured if he could do that, I could take a two-minute cold shower, which I did today. And whereas it was shocking at first, like the fasting it wasn’t terrible. Once I started breathing deeply (which your body does instinctively if you don’t hold your breath), it was fine. Not pleasant, not cozy, but fine.

As a self-professed cold hater, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but taking a cold shower was actually fun. At least it was fun when it was over. Wim says your body releases cannabinoids and opioids when exposed to cold temperatures, so maybe that was it. Regardless, I did feel euphoric, more alive.

Having struggled with sinus issues most of my life, there’s a part of me that always feels weak. Like I could fall ill at any moment. Consequently, I often don’t trust my body. I get invited to do things, go on long trips, and I think, What if I can’t? What if I get sick? And whereas I don’t have all the health answers I’d like to have (who does?), one of the positive things that’s come out of my journey the last few years is that I’m beginning to trust my body more. Last year I went through a battery of tests that basically said I was healthy as a horse. My immune system is stellar. I don’t have allergies. Granted, I still get some crud now and then, but little by little, I’m coming around to the idea that my body isn’t broken. At the very least I’m learning that I’m stronger than I thought I was. I can fast. I can handle the cold. I can write every day for over two and a half years. Now this is what I’m convinced of–that we are all capable of more than we realize.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Kindness is never a small thing."

Sign Me Up for the Advanced Course (Blog #900)

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After a birthday weekend (and adulthood) full of food indulgences, today I started a diet. Er, lifestyle change. Whatever. Anytime you cut out chocolate cake for breakfast and eating peanut butter out of the jar for dinner, it’s a diet.

Fight me.

No, seriously, fight me. Whenever I cut out carbs, all I want to do is slap people. Of course, I don’t. After a few days of–let’s face it–starving, my body adjusts and I calm down. But until then, look out.

I’m hungry right now.

Earlier my mom asked me what diet I’m following, and I said, “I don’t know. Mostly paleo.” Really, I’m just trying to cut down/cut out bread, alcohol, and refined sugars. Surely this will help my pants fit. This is my major motivation in doing this whole thing. Getting into my own pants–since I apparently can’t get into anyone else’s. (That’s a sex joke, Mom.) But seriously, I’m turning forty in a year (woowho), and I don’t plan on celebrating by going up a pant size. This morning I stepped on my parents’ digital scale and saw a number I’ve never seen before. Y’all, I nearly passed out.

Thankfully, when I tried again (and again), the number was lower, something I have seen before.

“That’s the number I’ll take,” I said.

Whenever I do something like this (a diet), my tendency is to be drastic, to go balls-to-the-wall and CHANGE EVERYTHING overnight. I understand this isn’t a sensible approach, but it’s my approach nonetheless. So far I already have plans to adjust my eating, up my water intake, get back to the gym, and “heal everything.” I tell myself, You’re being ridiculous, Marcus, but that doesn’t seem to stop me.

Since starting this blog I’ve hopped on the paleo bandwagon more than once, at times strictly for health, at times strictly for vanity. Ugh, even when it’s a short-term “cleanse,” it usually comes down to vanity. And whereas part of me is like, You know you’re going to peter out after six weeks, another part is like, We can do this. We can set and obtain reasonable goals. For example, losing ten pounds is a reasonable goal.

This means I want to lose fifteen. In a month.

As one of my friends says, “Sign me up for the advanced course.”

This is the story of me life. Let’s overachieve–well–everything. Let’s be the best dieter there ever was, the best comeback kid the gym ever saw. Please, somebody stop me from overachieving. It’s exhausting. Tonight’s blog is number 900 in a row, and I know as well as you do that in 900 blogs there have been some great posts and some not-so-great posts. What makes 900 posts a big deal is–largely–consistency. Showing up every day and doing one thing every day–writing. Before I had my estate sale, I downsized my possessions by throwing (or giving away) one thing every day–a pair of socks, a paperclip, a knickknack.

The point–little things add up.

This idea of doing one thing every day, I’m convinced, could be applied to one’s health, my health, as well. That is, I could make this process much simpler. Like, I could cut out bread–for breakfast. Instead of going for a beer, I could go for a walk. If I kept this up every day (or even most days) for a year, I’d see results. I wouldn’t have to change everything at once. My perfectionist doesn’t like this, but it’s true.

The intermediate course will do.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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The symbols that fascinate us are meant to transform us.

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Suddenly Feeling Warm Again (Blog #404)

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Just shy of a year ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. For a couple months I didn’t mention it on the blog, but then I did, in this post. For several months last year, Mom underwent chemotherapy, then had a double mastectomy this past January. As I understand it, at that point she was cancer free, but for the last six weeks she’s been getting radiation five times a week in order to increase her odds of staying in remission. Well, today was her last treatment. Other than taking a pill and (I’m assuming) the occasional checkup, she’s done.

What a year.

At the end of this last February, my dad went to the emergency room for his own set of issues, most of which had to do with his heart. In the hospital for a solid week, he’s been slowly improving ever since, largely due to the fact that my mom has taken over his diet. She counts his carbs, measures his sodium, keeps track of his calories. (Dad calls her The Food Nazi.) Also, Dad’s going to cardiac rehab, getting some exercise. Well, in just over two months, he’s lost 55 pounds. Isn’t that wild? Personally, I never thought I’d see the day. Like, I would have placed bets against it.

I’m just being honest.

As long as I’ve known him, my dad has been a big guy. He had a heart attack when I was in my early twenties, and, by his own admission, it didn’t scare him a bit. However, it did scare me–I started jogging that same day. Then I started going to the gym, and I’ve been off-and-on obsessed with my health ever since. For a while–a long while–I gave my dad a lot a shit about his weight. We’d go out to eat, he’d order a cheesecake, and I’d shoot him “the look.” Sometimes I’d even say, “Are you really going to eat that?”

He’d often reply, “You know, you’re not fun to go out with anymore.”

At some point, I quit trying to convince Dad to eat differently. I mean, I’d tried everything–information, logic, guilt–and nothing worked. Once he said, “You can’t say anything I haven’t thought myself,” and eventually I let that sink in. I thought, It’s his life, not mine. Then I started acting like it. It took some time, but I dropped all the food conversations. I got rid of the look. Slowly, there was less tension between us. Consequently, not only did we get along better, but I also liked him better. He hadn’t changed, but I had.

When Dad saw his primary care physician the week after his hospital stay, he said, “Doc, what I really want to know is–when can I have a cheeseburger?” In the past other doctors have said, “Never, Mr. Coker. You will NEVER eat a cheeseburger again.” (As Dad likes to say, that went over like a fart in church.) But this guy said, “How about you lose fifty pounds, AND THEN you can have a cheeseburger?” This strategy actually worked with Dad. For the last two months, he’s weighed every day, and has often beamed as he’s shared his results. Just a few days ago, he hit his (first) goal weight–he lost fifty pounds.

A storm can leave your life just as quickly as it enters it.

All this to say that today our family went out for cheeseburgers to celebrate. After Mom’s last radiation, she and Dad met Dad’s two sisters (my aunts) at Freddy’s Steakburgers in Fort Smith, which Dad’s had his eye on ever since they recently opened. (As I’m eating Autoimmune Paleo, I ordered my burger without the bread–but kept the cheese. So sue me.) And whereas we looked like everyone else in the restaurant–just a family eating burgers–it was a big deal–a ritual, really–an acknowledgment that big, scary things can and do turn around. For me it was a reminder that a storm can leave your life just as quickly as it enters it, that you can spend years in the darkness drenched and shivering, and then one afternoon the sun can break through the clouds. Perhaps this is what hope and healing are, suddenly feeling warm again as you watch the waters that nearly drowned you disappear into thin air.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Growth and getting far in life have nothing to do with where you’re physically standing.

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The Internet, My Ass, and Other Things That Drag (Blog #283)

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Currently it’s seven in the evening, the weather outside is cold and wet, and my internet speed is dragging ass, as am I. That being said, things could be worse. Things could always be worse. On the upside, I just took a shower and actually shaved my face. Please alert the media. The biggest news, however, is that I’ve lost weight. A while back I blogged about letting go of the idea that I’d ever be 180 pounds again, that I’d ever lose those last three pounds. Well, since the holidays I’ve been doing “what the hell ever” with my diet, meaning I’ve been eating peanut butter out of the jar. So I’ve been assuming that I’ve been gaining weight, not losing it. But when I got on the scale today, there it was–180 pounds exactly. Go figure.

Of course, my first thought was, Wouldn’t 175 be nice?

Aside from noticing that I’m never quite satisfied, I’ve been thinking that sometimes you just have to stop trying so hard. This is difficult for someone like me, someone who considers himself a do-er, to do. However, along those lines, I’m giving it a shot today. In terms of my diet, I just ate some more peanut butter (while giving my body the silent directive, Let’s metabolize!) In terms of my physical health, I’ve stuck to last night’s decision to stay off the internet, to stop looking up my symptoms and home remedies. Just be sick, Marcus. Just let your ass drag.

I just paused to back up tonight’s progress, and my internet is so slow that it took ten minutes to save and reload. Seriously, this is worse than dial-up. I feel like I’m in high school again, downloading pictures of Scott Wolf and Leonardo DiCaprio to my A drive. (A drives are what old computers used for 3.5″ floppy disks and not a sexual euphemism, Mom.) Anyway, clearly the universe is out to teach me patience–through my physical body, through my circumstances (I’m living with my parents!), through the damn internet. I guess it thinks I need help in this area.

But what American doesn’t?

Now I’m restless, ready to be done with this, go eat some more peanut butter. Maybe talking about patience isn’t the way to acquire it. I keep thinking about what to say next. Last night I watched a Netflix documentary called Holy Hell, about a religious cult led by an abusive, Speedo-wearing, former-porn-star homosexual. Y’all, one of his “disciples” made him a fruit salad–every morning–that looked like The Last Supper or something similar–as an act of service. For over twenty years, this man was able to convince hundreds of adult men and women that he was a divine messenger–like Jesus. And I have trouble getting a dozen people to like my status on Facebook.

Obviously I’m doing something wrong.

I’m not sure how this cult story fits into tonight’s blog, but I’ve been thinking about all the crazy things people think, do, and get themselves involved in. Personally, I’ve never joined a cult, but I have joined some internet forums that are pretty far out there, gone to a few weekend retreats about “energy healing” that would raise some eyebrows. Just with respect to my recent sinus infection, I’ve tried (and blogged about) a number of “crazy” treatments. I plan to try more before the week’s over. Thankfully, I don’t catch much flack for most of what I do, but whenever I do catch flack, here’s what I think about it–If you were in my shoes, you’d understand.

Along these lines, Byron Katie says that we are all believers and have to act out of our beliefs. For example, if you had a sinus infection and believed you had to do something about it, you’d be all over the internet. Or if you felt lost and believed some guy meditating in a Speedo could lead you to God, you’d follow him and make him a fruit salad every day. Likewise, if I believed what you believed, I’d do whatever it is that you’re doing–worrying about my finances, arguing with my partner, getting Botox, whatever.

Patience is about acceptance.

This is something I think about a lot, beliefs and what comes from believing them. Like, I know I can cause myself a lot of grief if I believe that I need to weigh less than I do in this moment or that things in my life need to move faster than they are. That second one is a big hang-up for me–I always think the internet, my ass, and even the universe are dragging along. Ultimately, I think patience isn’t so much about endurance, gritting your teeth and waiting for whatever it is to happen. Rather, I think it’s about acceptance, realizing that you’re pushing against the entire universe if you want right here, right now to move any faster or be any different than it is.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We are surrounded by the light.

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