Currently it’s two-forty-five in the morning, and my stomach and brain are empty. My heart, however, is full, as I’ve spent the entire day in the company of good friends. This evening I had dinner with my friends and former roommates Justin and Ashley, and Justin and talked until well past one in the morning. (Compared to our average chats, tonight’s discourse was rather short.) And whereas I’m tired now, I’m grateful for all the benefits that a deep-and-wide, open and honest friendship provides, to be able to sit in the company of another human and not feel judged, to never feel as if you’re going to be discovered a fraud. That is, to be accepted for who you are.

At one point tonight Justin talked about something that happened when we were both in college, well over fifteen years ago. Honestly, I’d forgotten the incident, although it sounded vaguely familiar. I didn’t say it out loud, but I thought, God, that feels like forever ago. Like it happened to two other people. Maybe it did. Justin and I navel-gaze about this sort of thing a lot, the idea that we’ve both grown as people and aren’t the same as we used to be–either as individuals or as friends. Although we currently contain our former selves–there are similarities–we aren’t them. Each of us has–what’s the word?–evolved.

I’ve been thinking about this idea of evolving lately, about growth. Personally, I’ve experienced a lot of growth of the last five years (from therapy) and the last two years (from this blog). I imagine some of it is obvious to others, and some of it isn’t. What’s important is that I know I’ve grown. (Or that you know you’ve grown if you have.) At the same time, I’ve become keenly aware lately how important it is to consciously give other people in our lives latitude to grow or evolve. I told my dad this morning that I NEVER thought I’d see him join a gym. But two months ago he did, and he’s been more consistent about going than I have. So I was in the wrong–to make assumptions and judgments, to think that life nudges me toward positive change but doesn’t do the same for others.

This afternoon I met my friend Frank for cookies and a soda at Subway in Alma. Frank’s from Tulsa and was just passing through. Over a year ago Frank gave me a Zac Efron calendar (I have a very benign, very innocent celebrity crush on Zac Efron), so last week when he (Frank, not Zac Efron) said he’d gotten me a belated birthday present, I couldn’t wait to find out what it was. “If you want, I can hold it until your next birthday,” Frank said. “Oh no,” I said, “I could be dead by then.” There’s no time like the present for the present. Anyway, once again, Frank knocked the gift giving out of the park. Y’all, he gave me a giant rainbow-colored fleece blanket that says (in big, bold letters)–BORN THIS GAY.

My thoughts–Accurate, although I have had time to get better at it.

This reminds me of a Billy Crystal line I recently heard on the old television show Soap. Crystal’s character Jodie is asked, “Are you a practicing homosexual?” and says, “I don’t have to practice. I’m very good at it.”

Just before writing tonight’s blog, I read that the spiritual path (or personal growth path, if you prefer) is FILLED with uncertainty, that as we live honest, authentic lives, we actually INCREASE the amount of uncertainty if our lives. Eeek. Talk about scary. That being said, I know that nearly every good thing that’s come into my life hasn’t been planned for–my friendships with Justin and Frank, for example. Rather, one fine day certain beautiful people showed up in my life the same way one fine day my dad decided to go the gym or I received a belated birthday gift. Surprise! Nobody ever shows up and says, “We’re going to be thick as thieves in twenty years.” They don’t know, and you don’t know either. We never know anything for sure. Life doesn’t offer spoiler alerts. Still, it seems to work out. More and more, I’m learning to trust that it always will.