Willing (Blog #1070)

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This morning I worked backstage for the national tour of Trolls Live! This isn’t as sexy as it may sound. My first official duty when I got to work? Sweep and mop the stage. Which, by the way, was covered in glitter, which one of the characters (Guy Diamond) farts out his butt. (Sheesh. Fart glitter. Toddler humor.) Anyway, just as I was really getting into the mopping part, a screw came out of my mop handle, and the head fell off. (I hate it when my head falls off.) So I picked up the screw, threw it away, took the mop out to my car, and repaired everything with a spare bolt and nut I found in my toolbox.

Well.

By the time I got back to the stage to finish mopping, a curtain (the main) had been lowered onto the stage. No problem, I thought, I’ll just mop behind it. But first I decided to look in front of the curtain, which is where the mop broke, just incase there was another screw or piece that had fallen out. Someone could step on it, I thought. Alas, one of the crew was behind the curtain, and when they noticed that someone in front of the curtain (me) was ruffling it, they sort-of started freaking out and (albeit gently) reprimanding that person (me again). “Don’t touch the curtain,” they said. “The doors are open. People are coming in.”

Of course, they didn’t know WHY I was touching the curtain. How could they? They didn’t ask for an explanation, and, being on the other side of the curtain and not realizing until “too late” that they were even talking to me, I didn’t offer one. This is an example of the idea that we all live in different worlds. I was living in the “I need to move the curtain to keep someone from getting hurt” world, and they were living in the “that curtain’s delicate and expensive, and the show’s about to start” world. And whereas there was a time I would have thought that their world was right and my world was wrong or vice versa, more and more I don’t see anyone else’s world as better or worse, morally superior or inferior, than mine.

Just different.

This being said, a part of me was still upset by the interaction. My Inner People Pleaser has been “online” for so long that it’s never fun (like, how exciting!) for me to be corrected. Plus, apparently my personality has been intentionally designed to be largely independent and function via an inner mantra that sounds like, “Don’t tell me what to do.” I accept this about myself. Not just because it resonates as true for me, but also because I’m tired of trying to change it. Not that I can’t improve or that I’m always right, but I am who I am. Accordingly, who and what I am IS right–for me.

Getting back to accepting myself in the above situation, years ago I would have fretted for hours, if not days, about what happened, thinking both that I had done something wrong and that–oh no!–someone didn’t like me. After almost six years of therapy, almost three years of daily writing and introspection, and just over a month of EMDR treatments, I’m happy to report that I got over it pretty quickly. My point being that you don’t have to be a slave to your emotional reactions forever. Your inner demons can be tamed and quieted. This being said, I truly believe that our emotional reactions only downshift once they’ve been given permission to speak and once we hear them.

Once we hear ourselves.

In Trolls Live! it’s said that one of the characters won (I think) the fuzziest hair contest in 2016, 2017, and 2019. “What happened in 2018?” one of the other characters says. The answer?

“We don’t talk about 2018.”

Alas, this is how most of us handle the distressing emotions and situations in our lives. We shove them down. Ignore them. Bury them. Cover them up. We don’t talk about IT, whatever IT is. And whereas I understand and am completely and utterly familiar with these strategies, they simply haven’t worked as a permanent and healing solution for me. What has worked? Talking about, feeling, and accepting every scary and uncomfortable whatever. Listening to and learning from my body, feelings, and emotions, however unpleasant or gross that process may be. Looking at IT. Mr. Rogers encouraged, “Feelings are mentionable AND manageable.” When you’re stuck in embarrassment or shame (I did something wrong), it can feel like you’re going to fall apart, to implode. But I can absolutely promise you that regardless of what you’ve buried inside you, you’ve been given an inherent wisdom that knows how to handle its resurrection and transformation.

Several minutes after the “you’re on the wrong side of the curtain” incident, I got excited about the fact that I was having a very ancient emotional reaction. Why? Because it let me know there was a part of me that needed to be heard, that I imagine has been wanting to express itself for quite a long time. That’s been wanting to take the stage and be my teacher. Along these lines, ore and more I’m grateful when someone pushes my buttons. Because they show me where my buttons are located. They show me the parts of myself I’ve been ignoring. (Thankfully, after all this time and trial-and-error–I now know what to do with this invaluable information.) Likewise, I’m even beginning to find gratitude for the pains in my body. Because they too are crying out for attention. And they make me curious. Like, Sweetheart, what’s going on here? What story do you have to tell me? What have I not been willing to hear until now?

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All the while, we imagine things should be different than they are, but life persists the way it is.

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On Inner Gargoyles and Grotesques (Blog #966)

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For the last two days, for whatever reason, I’ve been tired, tired, tired. Fortunately, my life is such that I can rest. That is to say, I’m not a mother. God bless y’all mothers. You never get to sleep. Hang in there, they’ll grow up one day. Then you can rest. Anyway, back to me. (My dad tells everyone, “Marc’s blog is about HIM,” and I’m like, “DAMN RIGHT, it’s called ME and My Therapist”). Okay, this morning I slept in and then, after breakfast, read a book about gargoyles and grotesques, those nasty looking, often highly sexualized creatures that decorate medieval churches. Now there are some guys and gals who don’t get to rest. According to the book, one of the purposes of grotesques (aside from being homages to local gods) is to scare away demons, and you know THAT’S a full-time job.

Speaking of full-time jobs, this afternoon I took a shower. I can’t tell you how much I hate the fact that a person has to do this multiple times a week in order to be socially accepted (except at Walmart, of course). But I digress. After cleaning up (and putting on my clothes) I taught a dance lesson then had a session with my chiropractor who works with emotions. Lately he’s been using a technique that involves tapping into however you feel NOW (frustrated, scared, embarrassed, vulnerable) then remembering the first time you ever felt that way. Then he says, “Picture that child and tell them, ‘Whatever you’re feeling is okay. There’s nothing wrong or inappropriate about your emotions.” I really like this, the idea that there’s no such thing as a bad emotion.

This evening when I got home from my chiropractor’s, I took nap. When I woke up I was still tired, but whatever, clearly my body wants to rest. This is something I’m learning to be okay with. I’m also learning that I don’t need to know WHY my body needs to rest, I just need to give it what’s it’s asking for. So often I get frustrated because I can’t decipher what my body’s messages mean, but–being tired–that one seems pretty obvious. Like, duh, go to bed. Anyway, after my nap I ate dinner and took out the trash, now here I am, writing.

Today’s post is #966 in a row, and that means post #1,000 is only 34 days away. (Incidentally, Christmas is also 34 days away. And no, I didn’t plan this.) Along these lines, I’ve been thinking about the eventual ending of this project (I plan to continue until March 30 or 31, 2020), how scary that is (because then what?), and what I’ve learned from it. And whereas I plan to go into these ideas more in depth over the next several months, the largest lesson I’ve learned has centered around the idea of meeting myself. (Like my dad says, this blog is about ME.) For example, earlier tonight I was frustrated (about being tired and, well, my life), but when I sat down to blog, it was like part of me relaxed because I knew that I could work through it. That’s what these 966 days have taught me, that no matter how I feel or what kind of day I’ve had, there’s a space within me that can hold it. THIS is a full-time job of course–taking care of ourselves and consciously working with whatever arises right here, right now–but it’s worth it, I’m convinced of that.

Another theory I’ve read about gargoyles and grotesques is that they represent one’s inner demons. So many people say that our job is to SLAY our dragons, but others say our job is to HUG them, to welcome them in. I like this idea and have found it to be true, at least more effective. Whenever I’ve tried to push an emotion or icky situation AWAY, it’s only gotten stronger. But when I’ve said, “Sweetheart, you have every right to be here. Talk to me,” it’s calmed down, relaxed. The book today referred to several of the gargoyles and grotesques as hideous, gross, or repulsive. But I kept thinking of that song “Everything Is Beautiful In Its Own Way” and how some of those little monsters were actually kind of cute. This is a matter of perspective, of course, and that’s my point. If there’s something you don’t like about yourself–or someone else for that matter–take another look. Chances are, it’s not as scary as you think.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We follow the mystery, never knowing what’s next.

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