If it’s not already obvious, my therapist has a huge hard on for boundaries. Like, a big one. I know this is going to sound like bumper sticker wisdom, but she says boundaries are bridges, boundaries make people feel safe, and boundaries are the holy grail in therapy. Honestly, it’s taken me a long time to digest and assimilate all this information, since I’ve always assumed I HAD boundaries. As it turns out, I didn’t. (Most people don’t.) But I’ve come to agree with my therapist. Of all the beneficial things I’ve learned in the last few years, nothing has been more important than boundaries.

I realize this could quickly turn into a commercial.

Years before therapy, my Reiki teacher gave me a list entitled “Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries.” I’d be glad to send you the entire list if you’d like, but a few items that still grab my attention are: 1) Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting, 2) Being overwhelmed by a person, 3) Accepting gifts or touch you don’t want, 4) Letting others direct your life, and 5) Food abuse. Looking back, I’m surprised I didn’t look at the list and say, “Houston, we have a problem.” But I guess I wasn’t ready for the information or ready to make changes in my relationships, since boundaries always equal changes. (Damn it.) Now I’m proud to say I’ve come a long way, first in setting and maintaining my own boundaries, and second in recognizing both good and not-so-good boundaries in others.

Today I got a t-shirt in the mail that says, “I (Heart) Boundaries.” I ordered it a few weeks ago because–well–I do. Plus, I imagine it will be a good conversation starter. Maybe someone will say, “Hey man, what’s your shirt all about?” and I can say, “Whoa mister, don’t stand so close to me. I don’t even know you.” Anyway, it’s a long story, but I ended up with an extra shirt that I would love to give away, especially if you (heart) boundaries too. It’s a men’s medium, American Apparel, and runs a bit tight. So basically–it’ll fit perfectly if you’re Justin Bieber, a teenage lesbian, or a twink. (A twink is a young, smooth, skinny, attractive homosexual, Mom.)

If this sounds like you, the shirt is yours. Just HMU (hit me up).

This week I read in The Artist’s Way that a boundary is essentially your bottom line. Bottom line, I won’t cheat on my husband. Bottom line, I won’t work for less than I’m worth. The book makes the point that often we use food, drugs, sex, money, friends/family, and work (my big one is work) to distract or soothe ourselves when we are creatively blocked. Better said, those are our creative blocks–not in and of themselves, but when they are abused. So it’s suggested that we give ourselves a bottom line, a boundary, to help get ourselves back on track. Bottom line, I won’t bring work home from the office. Bottom line, I won’t eat chocolate cake when crying or having a confrontation would be more honest.

My therapist says that boundaries are ever-evolving. It’s not that you’re all wishy-washy, but what works in one relationship, may not work in the next. Personally, I don’t like when people pick lint off my shirt, and I HATE IT when someone punches me in the arm. I don’t think it’s funny or appropriate. That being said, there are certain people I gladly allow in my space, either to pick lint off my shirt or just pat my shoulder. It’s just a case-by-case basis. Also–and I kind of hate this–boundaries aren’t something you knock out of the park every time. I remember for a while I was doing well with boundaries in MOST of my friendships, but there were a couple in particular in which I was sucking it up royally. (Or rather, we were.) In both situations, things are stellar now, but it simply took time to get here.

Tonight I signed up for some online yoga classes through Codyapp. Maybe I’m just a sucker for Facebook ads, but these classes deal specifically with flexibility and fascial stretching, two things that I’ve been rather obsessed with lately. At first I didn’t want to spend the money, but I decided that because my insurance is paying for all my treatment since the car accident, the least I can do is support my body at home. One of the boundaries I’m setting for myself is less time on Facebook (and zero Facebook on Mondays–eek–except to share the blog), so along with that I’ve decided to use the extra time on yoga. Bottom line, my physical body is more important than fake news and pictures of your cat. (Sorry, KiKi.)

Earlier tonight I went for a walk and listened to an interview with the guy who started and runs Humans of New York. He said that as creative people we can’t control how many people like our Facebook page, but we can control what we do with our time. We can write one hour a day. We can do yoga for thirty minutes. Whatever. As I think about it now, this seems like another way of talking about boundaries and bottom lines–basically rules and priorities we set for our lives. My blog is important to me, nothing stops me from doing it every day, every damn day. I want others to treat me well, so I have to treat them well, treat myself well.

Earlier I said that boundaries are bridges. I think this is important to remember, since it’s easy to think of them as fences between neighbors or lines drawn in the sand. And whereas boundaries do let you know where not to go and what’s not okay, they also let you know how to interact with a person and what the rules of engagement are. That’s why boundaries make people feel safe. You trust someone because they have good boundaries. You know they’re not going to sleep with your husband, kidnap your child, or sell your secrets to a supermarket tabloid. The way I see it, boundaries are just another way to respect and take better care of ourselves–and each other.

[Honestly–and no one is paying me to say this–I’m impressed with Codyapp so far, especially the classes with Dylan Werner. (He seems really smart and is also nice to look at.) If you’re interested in joining, use this link, and we’ll both get 50 percent off a class.]