Things Can Turn on a Dime (Blog #901)

Okay. I’ve been on a diet for twenty-four hours and my thighs still rub together when I walk. What the actual hell? If only deciding to take care of yourself produced immediate results. Alas, this is not the instant gratification station. This is the work hard, be consistent, make good choices station. This is the chocolate cake makes your ass bigger not smaller channel. This is planet earth.

I know. I hate it too.

I’m grousing, but the changes I’ve made in the last twenty-four hours truly haven’t sucked. Last night before blogging I went to the grocery store for snacks, fruits, vegetables, and protein, then went to the gym with my dad after. “Are we going to do this every night?” he said.

“What about every other night?” I replied.

Every other night seems like a reasonable goal, one I could achieve instead of overachieve. What’s the saying? Set yourself up for success.

Today I’ve eaten three reasonable meals–no bread, no refined sugar, no alcohol. After each meal I felt full but not stuffed. What’s this feeling of non-expansion? I thought. In terms of exercise, this morning I mowed a lawn. Tonight I went for a twenty-minute walk. And whereas I used to think a walk didn’t count unless it was at least an hour and uphill all the way, tonight I thought, Twenty minutes is twenty minutes. I mean, I broke a sweat.

What’s nice about all the changes I’m making this week–and I admit they’re a bit “all at once”–is that none of them are new. Like, I’ve eaten mostly paleo before, I’ve been a gym rat before, and I’ve gone on walks before. This means that with little resistance I can slip into these routines like an old shoe. The part of my mind that loves carbs kicks up a bit of a fuss, of course, but most of me is like, Oh yeah, we know how to do this.

All this being said, the one thing I’m doing that I haven’t done before is intermittent fasting, which basically amounts to not eating between 8 PM and noon the next day. Eat however many meals you want (within reason) between noon and eight, but then zip your lips for sixteen hours. The idea (behind any type of fast) is that it not only gives your body a break (because digestion takes a lot of work), but it also allows your body to burn fat for fuel instead of all that pizza and ice cream you’ve been chunking down your throat. (Or is that just me?) Anyway, a friend of mine has been raving about it–they’ve lost fifteen pounds in the last six to eight weeks–so I figured, What the hell? I’ll give it a shot.

Now, I realize I’ve only been at this one day, but so far I like it. Sure, last night was rough. Two hours after having a smoothie at 7:30, I was starving. I went to bed hungry. Boo-hoo. But I told myself, If I’m starving in the morning, I’ll eat. Surely a little fast is better than no fast at all. But get this shit. When I woke up at nine this morning, I was fine. Not really hungry at all. So I skipped breakfast and went to work. Well, I had a cup of hot tea (non-caloric beverages are allowed.) Y’all, I mowed and weedeated in the hot sun for two hours and was fine. What’s more, I actually had an excess of energy (an excess of fat, boo-hoo). Now, was I READY to eat when the clock struck twelve? You bet your sweet bippy. But in my head I’d made it out to be this awful thing–I can’t eat for 16 hours, somebody get me a cross to hang on!–and yet it wasn’t awful at all. It simply wasn’t.

When I got home from mowing today I took my shoes off and banged them together to shake off the grass and dirt. As I did, I noticed a small rock–a large pebble–dislodged itself from the grooves in one of my shoes and landed in my parents’ flowerbed. And maybe this is weird, but I thought about that rock as if it were a teeny-tiny person. Like, it’d probably been hanging out in Fort Smith in my client’s driveway for years, and then all of a sudden got swooped up and transported to Van Buren. Just like that.

Along the same lines, get this. This evening I taught a dance lesson to a couple about to be married. The guy was born in another country, came to the United States, bounced around a bit, and finally met his fiancee up north. Then he got a job down here, and kind of like my shoe picked up that rock and brought it across the Arkansas River, he picked up his fiancee and brought her here too. Through a strange series of events, they ended up on my dance floor. After all these years, we finally met.

I really am astounded by this. How a rock or a person can hang out in one mental, emotional, or physical place and then–bam, like that–be transported to another. Is there work involved? Of course. There’s always work involved. In terms of bodily transformations, you gotta do shit. God’s not gonna strike you skinny. (Although, I guess, you could get one of those awful stomach viruses). In terms of personal growth, you gotta do shit. (My suggestion: see a therapist.) But my point is that at some point there’s a tipping point. (That’s a lot of points, I know.) This is why people say things can turn on a dime. Sooner or later, your hard work, your patience, pays off. Sooner or later, you see results.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Boundaries are about starting small, enjoying initial successes, and practicing until you get your relationships like you want them. 

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On Perseverance (Blog #875)

This morning without meaning to I drove through a no-car zone near a local school. As soon as it happened, I was like, Oh crap, I’m not supposed to be here, but it was too late. I WAS already “here,” both on the planet and in the no-car zone, so I kept going. Naturally, my inner rule-follower felt bad enough, but then one of the recess teachers gave me the evil eye as I made my way back to where I was supposed to be. I thought about it all afternoon. Like, I’M SORRY, MISTER. IT WAS A MISTAKE. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES!

Other than being a schoolyard rebel, I spent today painting. Earlier this week I started transforming a turquoise room at a friend’s house into a white room, and today, after over six hours of work, I finished. Here’s the before picture. Well, I’d already primed the ceiling, which was brown.

Here’s the after picture. Look at all that glorious white. I think the space could pass as God’s waiting room. If only the floor were gold. And there were floor-length purple drapes, of course.

This evening, in addition to starting a house-sitting gig, I spent over three hours working on my mom’s tablet. First I helped her sign up for a rewards club (she’s actually done it correctly, but since they didn’t confirm by email, I went ahead and did it again), then I worked getting all her pictures to display properly in her gallery (because they weren’t). For months, certain downloaded photos have shown as black or blank on her tablet, although the files themselves have always been fine. You could move them to another device and view them no problem. Well, everything the internet suggested didn’t work, and it suggested a lot. While going through all the possible solutions, I actually caused more problems. Finally, not only did I fix those, but I fixed the original problem as well. One app had to have its updates REMOVED, and ANOTHER app had to BE updated.

Sheesh. Technology.

By the time this ordeal was over, I was ready to spit nails. Then my dad asked me to change a lightbulb, and I tried three bulbs I found sitting around before one of them worked. In the process, I broke a perfectly good bulb. Shit, I said. It didn’t help that I was hungry.

Things are worse when you’re hungry.

Now it’s 2:15 in the morning, and I’m bound and determined to finish this in 500 words or less and go to bed. Earlier, after working on my mom’s device, I noticed I was in a tizzy. I really wanted to get that problem sorted out, and yet I was hungry, and yet I hadn’t blogged yet. So I got stressed. Finally, after grabbing a burrito (okay, two) and settling down, I took my mind off what was stressful about today and smiled–because I accomplished things. The day didn’t suck. I painted a room, I fixed a tablet. I persevered.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Stop buying your own bullshit.

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Working on Myself (Blog #539)

It’s six-thirty in the evening, and I’m headed to work (to dance) in an hour. I’ve spent the day exercising and reading. Mostly reading, since I’ve been pushing myself to finish an autobiography I started this last weekend. Just a while ago I sat down at home to write the blog, but the internet on my phone, which is also the internet I use for my laptop, was dragging ass. It was slower than Christmas! This tends to happen during the day when everyone else and their mother (no offense, Mom) are on the airwaves. That’s another reason why I’ve traditionally blogged at night–the internet is faster.

Slow internet is one of the MOST frustrating things I consistently run into with this project. Or any project. Earlier today I tried to watch some dance videos, but they wouldn’t download. Ugh. I’m so spoiled. What did people do before this miracle–high-speed internet–existed? (What?! They played outside? No way.) Anyway, since my life is plenty full of frustration already, I decided to leave the house and blog elsewhere. (Some problems have easy answers.) Now I’m at a local cafe and just ordered a smoothie, since, in addition to being frustrated, I’m apparently starving.

These two feelings–frustration and hunger–do not go well together .

Okay, I’m sipping on the smoothie and calming down. Everything’s going to be all right, Marcus. Everything is going to be all right.

Hum. I’m not sure exactly when this bad mood creeped up on me. Maybe it has to do with some of my dreams last night. Or the fact that I woke up early-early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. Or this new routine–going to bed and waking up sooner, drinking less coffee, working out–I’m trying to put into place. It has been my experience that whenever I try to whip myself into shape (that’s a rather graphic phrase, now that I think about it), “the old me” puts up a good fuss. What?! We’re not sleeping in anymore? We have to do push-ups?!

Boo. Hiss.

This afternoon I started looking over an exercise program that proposes to correct postural imbalances, something that’s a concern of mine. And whereas several of the elements of the program require a gym membership (which I don’t have), I’m telling myself that any information or progress is good information or progress and that I don’t have to incorporate every suggestion one-hundred percent in order to see benefits. As a recovering straight-A student and teacher’s pet, this shift in thinking is a big deal for me.

Huge.

You have to have a practice if you want to see results.

I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point during the last 539 days, I started thinking of this blog as my job. Like, it’s not a hobby or something I do just for fun. It’s work, and I take my work seriously, which is why I continue to do it every day, every damn day. Granted, this work doesn’t have regular hours, but I’m trying to get it that way. Likewise, even though I don’t have a typical job or schedule, I’m trying to organize my daytime hours. Once my therapist told me, “If I’m not working, I’m working out,” and that’s been on my mind today, especially while exercising. She was talking about physical health, but to me her mantra means that you have to have a practice, a routine of some sort, if you want to see results in ANY area of your life. Considering my circumstances, maybe a better way for me to say it would be, “Even though I’m not working in the traditional sense, I’m working on myself (by exercising my body, mind, and soul).”

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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The clearer you see what's going on inside of you, the clearer you see what's going on outside of you. It's that simple.

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When Your Mood Stinks (Blog #70)

I’ve been in a foul mood pretty much the entire day. In addition to being hungry because I’ve recently cut back on carbs and sugars (and all the things I love so dearly), I didn’t get much sleep last night, since I got up early this morning to go to therapy. (I’m sure it wasn’t the first time someone showed up in a bad mood. I mean, that’s kind of the point.) So that’s how I woke up, and then even before I got out of bed, I decided the screen protector I put on my new phone a couple of days ago was a PIECE OF SHIT because it wasn’t registering touch very well, which is a problem for–I don’t know–a touch-screen phone.

So that pissed me off.

And then when I got dressed, I couldn’t find my favorite ring. (I almost always know where my things are, since I’m anal retentive and hyper-organized and consequently so much fun to be around.) I looked everywhere–my man bag, my toiletry bag, my luggage–and couldn’t find it, so I started thinking that I must have left it in Nashville somewhere.

So that pissed me off more.

I almost always enjoy therapy, but since beginning this blog, I’ve started thinking, Good, it’s therapy day–more material. (On certain topics, my therapist, family, and friends have started letting me know in advance–don’t write about this. Fair enough.) But more often than not, I’m finding that what happens during that one hour in therapy is rarely the thing for the day I end up blogging about. Go figure. So I’ll just say that it went well, other than the fact that I was wearing shorts and a tank top and the waiting room felt like a meat locker.

After therapy I had lunch with my friend Ray, and I showed up a little early, so I sat in my car and Googled the screen protector I bought for my phone. I found out that I should be able to remove the protector, which made me feel better. But then I realized I would still need to replace it with another brand, which seemed overwhelming, so I put my phone away.

For lunch Ray introduced me to the best brussel sprouts I’ve ever eaten. I assume they were fried in unicorn fat and dipped in ranch dressing made by fairies, but since I’m on a diet, I didn’t ask any questions and instead focused on the fact that they were green.

In and of itself, a bad mood isn’t a problem.

I told Ray that I was upset about the screen protector on my phone and that I’d decided to not do anything about it–take the screen off, call the company, throw my phone across the damn room–until I got more sleep and adjusted to my diet. Ray reminded me of the acronym HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. The idea behind the acronym is to to slow the fuck down (halt) and not make any big decisions whenever you’re one of those four things, since you’re probably not going to make the best decision anyway. (Personally, I think the H could also stand for Horny. Don’t make any big decisions when you’re horny.)

Just speaking from today’s experience, I’d also suggest that if you have three out of the four letters going on, don’t even bother leaving the house. Just try again tomorrow. Maybe wait until next week if you can.

The rest of the day has been–okay. I picked up a few books at the library and took a nap when I got home. Currently, the nap feels like a distant memory. This evening I went for a long walk and saw a skunk–twice. I’m pretty sure it was following me. Whenever something like this happens, I assume it’s a sign from the heavens rather than–you know–a skunk with bad eyesight thinking my black and white tennis shoes would be nice to make babies with.

Anyway, I looked up skunks on Google, and it turns out that it takes a few days for them to replenish their famous odor after it’s released. Because of this fact, they’re pretty cautious about using it and will only do so if there’s a real threat. In terms of spirituality, skunks represent independence, discernment, and good boundaries. (If only skunks had boundary bumper stickers that said, “Stay away or get the spray.”)

When I got home from the walk, I found my ring. It was in my man bag hiding behind the Ibuprofen. That made me feel a little better, but I’m still hungry, angry (about the phone), and tired. The day itself has gone well, but it’s felt like there’s been a bad mood on deck the entire time, just itching to step up to the plate and take a swing. I’m proud to say I haven’t really let it, but it’s certainly been tempting. I think that if I’d engaged more with the phone problem or tried to do anything more challenging than tie my shoes, I would have screamed or cried or both.

Since seeing the skunk, I’ve been trying to make a lesson out independence, discernment, and good boundaries. (Bad boundaries–stink?) But I don’t think that’s it. Rather, I think my bad mood today is like the skunk I saw tonight. In and of itself, it’s not a problem. There’s not a thing in the world wrong with being hungry, angry, or tired (or all three at once). So long as most of me can step over to the other side of the street and proceed slowly (don’t make any sudden moves), it’s all right. But get too close to a bad mood, and look out. To modify a familiar quotation, speak (or try to fix you phone) when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.

Talk about stinking things up.

Okay, I’m going to bed now. Surely this skunk of a bad mood will go away soon enough.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Nothing is set in stone here.

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