When You Experience a Setback (Blog #666)

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Tonight’s blog is number 666, The Mark of the Beast, and this morning I woke up feeling like The Beast had come to visit me in the night. That is, I woke up with sinus junk, the beginnings of–dare I say it?–a sinus infection. Whatever it is, I’ve felt crummy all day. Not absolutely miserable, but crummy–low energy, overwhelmed. That’s one of the ways I know something is off in my body, even the simplest of tasks seems too difficult to handle. Before breakfast a friend of mine came by to show me how to make kefir (a fermented dairy beverage teeming with probiotics), and when I didn’t have the right sized strainer to separate the grains (which look like cottage cheese and do the actual fermenting) from the liquid that you drink, I just about fell apart.

This afternoon I had physical therapy, which I told myself was the only thing I “had” to do today. And whereas it wasn’t fun, I survived. Then I went to the health food store to pick up and try a natural pain reliever I read about online (I can’t stay off the internet), then to Walmart to get that strainer I needed. At Walmart I also bought a gallon of water, which I’ve been drinking all day in hopes of flushing out any foreign invaders in my body. (Consequently, I’m currently getting up every twenty minutes to pee.) Then I came home, ate a quick lunch, and went back to bed.

The nap, I think, helped. I still don’t feel great, but I do feel better than I did this afternoon. This evening I’ve tried to “eat light, eat right” and take it easy. That is, I drank green tea and practiced knitting. Now I’m obviously blogging, and with any luck I can be done before long, do my physical therapy exercises again, and go back to bed.

With everything else that’s going on with my body (I just had knee surgery and have some skin and stomach issues), I’m really not amused with this sinus junk, especially since I’ve had so much trouble with my sinuses in the past. That being said, I haven’t had a full-blown infection in over a year, so that’s something to celebrate. (Insert throwing of confetti here.) And who knows how this will turn out? It’s not full-blown yet, and I’m trying a home remedy that’s worked a number of times before, so fingers crossed. Still, it’s difficult for me to not awfulize, feel sorry for myself, and imagine the worst.

In times like these, whenever my “this sucks” plate is full, I really want to throw in the towel and stop doing everything that’s good for me. I want to quit working out, quit eating a decent diet, and quit positive thinking because “none of this shit works.” It’s a childish attitude, I realize, but it’s my attitude, and it’s honest. Whenever I get overwhelmed, I want to take all my toys, go home, and eat chocolate cake. I mean, if I’m going to get sick anyway, screw you, Healthy Living.

This isn’t the way to be, of course. Just because you get sick or experience a setback (or half a dozen), doesn’t mean it’s time to give up on good habits. It certainly doesn’t mean it’s time to give up on yourself. Rather, for me, this setback is a reminder to be there for myself, to listen to my body and care for it even more than I have been. Sweetheart, we’ve been through a lot. How can I help you? In an effort to do this, I plan to use the weekend to rest, drink plenty of fluids, and–perhaps, no, definitely–clean up my diet. Because honestly, it could be worse, but it could be a lot better.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Every stress and trauma in your life is written somewhere in your body.

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Coming Out of the Desert (Blog #237)

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Last night I went grocery shopping at Walmart, and there were so many people, I wanted to throw my bag of organic lemons at everyone who crossed my path. On the canned fruit aisle, I did my best to be patient as a little old lady argued with her granddaughter about whether to put oranges or pineapples in the fruit salad. Oh my god, I thought, would you please make a decision? You’re blocking the sliced pears! Well, next thing I knew, the lady started talking to me–“You’re here for a reason!”

You’re damn right I am, I thought as I smiled, and it’s on the other side of your cart.

But then she said, “Would you be so kind as to reach up on that top shelf and hand me a jar of cherries?”

Well I felt like an ass. “I’d be glad to.”

“Happy Thanksgiving!” she said as she headed down the aisle.

I reached for the sliced pears. “Happy Thanksgiving!”

At the risk of being presumptuous, I think my sinus infection is getting better. Last night I started a new YouTube home remedy (I’ll spare you the details), and whether it’s that or the antibiotics kicking in, I’ve been breathing better and coughing less all day. Plus, I’ve had more energy and felt like drinking coffee (that’s usually a good sign). More than anything, I’ve actually had positive thoughts today. Life isn’t so bad. My body can get over this. There’s still time to meet Zac Efron. This, of course, is a big improvement over all the moaning, groaning, ain’t-it-awful thoughts that have been hanging around the stage door of my mind for quite a while now. I mean, this evening I went back to Walmart to pick up a couple things I forgot last night, and despite the fact that the whole town of Plymouth Rock was there, I didn’t want to throw fruit at a single person.

Talk about a holiday miracle.

This afternoon I spent some time reading at Sweet Bay Coffee Shop. At one point an elderly man wearing a Korean War ball cap came over and said, “Excuse me. I couldn’t help but notice that you’re reading. I think that’s great! You never see young people reading anymore.” So we had a nice chat about books versus the internet, but the whole time all I could think was, Oh my god, he thinks I’m young!

And I don’t even moisturize.

Another thing I did this afternoon was go the library. Y’all, I’ve said it before, but did you know those books are FREE? Seriously, what a great place. Anyway, I picked up a book by Robert S. Ivker called Sinus Survival: The Holistic Medical Treatment for Allergies, Asthma, Bronchitis, Colds, and Sinusitis. I saw a copy of it in a bookstore last week, and it was mentioned in the YouTube video I watched last night, so I figured I needed to read it. Apparently the author is a doctor who used to have chronic sinus infections but successfully healed himself and has since helped thousands of his patients do the same. As of now I’m fifty pages into the book, and I’ve already learned more about sinus infections than I have from twenty years of having them. So we’ll see how it goes.

But I’m hopeful, and that’s a start.

I think what’s comforting about a book like this is knowing that I’m not alone. The author says that sinus infections are actually one of the top health problems in the world and qualify as an epidemic. He tells the story of one lady who had fourteen sinus surgeries before she came to his clinic. I mean, I’ve had a lot of problems over the years, but I can’t even imagine. Anyway, regardless of what happens in the future, it’s nice to realize that the universe hasn’t been singling me out all these years. We all have our challenges.

Tomorrow marks forty days of my being sick, so I’m choosing to look at it symbolically, as if it were the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness or the forty years God’s children spent in the desert. (Seriously, who gave Moses the map?) This number, of course, more than being literal, symbolizes a period of testing or tribulation. I suppose all sorts of good things can come out of difficult times like these–patience, inner strength, and compassion, to name a few. Who knows what something is ultimately for? I mean, I thought I went to Walmart last night for sliced pears, but that little old lady thought I was there to help her with a jar of cherries. And who’s to say I wasn’t? Likewise, who’s to say the guy who wrote the book I’m reading wasn’t sick so he could help others? Perhaps that’s the case with me. At the very least, this problem has brought me closer to myself, and that’s certainly enough.

If life can create a problem, it can also provide an answer.

But what I’m currently most thankful for is the idea that our times of tribulation eventually come to an end. That’s what I’m starting to believe–that’s the hope I talked about last night and mentioned earlier. For years I’ve run around to medical and naturopathic doctors, health food stores, and spiritual retreats trying to heal my sinuses and “get better.” The surgery earlier this year was a huge improvement, but over and over again it’s felt like everything was hopeless and nothing would work. But I really am coming around to the idea that if life can create a problem, it can also provide an answer, that we’re not meant to suffer forever. For surely the wilderness was meant for crossing, just as the desert was meant for coming out of.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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There’s a lot of magic around you.

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Who’s Driving This Flying Umbrella? (Blog #229)

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Okay, it’s 2:30 in the morning, and I’ve put it off long enough. I’m finally blogging. (See, that was two whole sentences, and this is three.) You can’t hear it, but my blogging music is on, and the violin just started. I don’t know why I put writing off the way I do, considering it’s the most comforting part of my day. The clack of the keyboard, the introspection, the violin, finding hope–all of it feels like coming home–at least when the writing part is over. That’s the hard part–the writing–because I never know what I’m going to say. I don’t think any writer worth their salt would tell you otherwise. Writing is like the blind leading the blind–there’s no telling where you’ll end up.

Honestly, the whole creative process reminds me of that scene in the Disney cartoon Robin Hood when a bunch of scared animals run off with a circus tent on top of them. It’s absolute chaos. That’s creativity for you. Then on top of the tent is Little John, who’s been swept up in the madness. Of course, he has no idea how he got there, where he’s going, or how to make the it stop. That’s what it’s like to be a writer. Every time you sit down at the keyboard, you get carried away on this bumpy ride, and the entire time you’re wondering what Little John did–Hey! Who’s driving this flying umbrella?

I’ve spent most the day feeling wiped out. Actually, I’ve been wiped out for a while, ever since I got sick with head junk about four weeks ago. And whereas I’m considerably better than I was, and although I’ve been telling myself maybe it’s just allergies, I’m obviously not over whatever this is. Of course, this makes me want to cry, scream, and give up–anything but go to the doctor. Well, you might think, then you’re getting what you deserve, Marcus. But before you get all judgmental, it’s not that I haven’t thought about going to the doctor. Actually, if things go on much longer, I’ll cave. But this isn’t my first sinus infection rodeo, and doctors almost always give antibiotics for this sort of thing. Well, I’ve been on more antibiotics the last few years than I can count, and, since antibiotics don’t discriminate, I’d like to stop killing all the good bacteria inside me. After all, they’re just doing their job and minding their own business. Surely they don’t deserve to be innocently murdered just because their bad bacteria relatives got a little out of hand.

Seriously, down with bacterial collateral damage.

So, in a last-ditch effort before making an appointment with my sinus doctor, I started using apple cider vinegar today. Y’all, if you believe the internet, apple cider vinegar will not only cure a sinus infection, it will also lower high cholesterol, remove warts, and condition your hair. But wait, there’s more! Order now, and we’ll send you a second bottle that you can put on your salad. Seriously, this stuff is supposed to be loaded with vitamins and have the ability to kill bacteria and fungi of every kind, and there are a lot of people online who’ve had multiple sinus surgeries and tried dozens of antibiotics that swear apple cider vinegar was the thing that helped their sinuses the most. So, picturing the bottle of apple cider vinegar in a red cape, I not only started drinking it tonight, but also started steaming it on the stove so I could inhale it.

Please don’t act as if you’ve never gotten your hopes up over a home remedy.

My sister said, ‘Most of us mortals don’t read all those self-help books.’

This evening I went to TJ Maxx to buy a new skillet, since the one Dad and I use every day was warped from too much heat and food was starting to stick to the inside. Anyway, I called my sister on the drive over, and we started talking about books. And whereas she’s reading mostly fiction lately, I said that fiction is a rarity for me, that I read mostly non-fiction. Then my sister said, “You know, most of us mortals don’t read all those self-help books–we just pretend like we know what we’re doing.” I mean, I guess she has a point–I could probably stand to lighten up.

Surely I could find a book about how to do that.

Things went well at TJ Maxx, and when I got home from The Great Skillet Hunt of 2017, I immediately threw out the old pan and scrambled some eggs in the new one. Y’all, it was like a miracle–even heat, food that slid right across the surface, and easy cleanup. Bam! I felt like I should have my own TV show. Who knew spending eighteen dollars could be so satisfying? My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

I guess things happen when they happen.

It’s funny how I sit down every night with almost no idea of what I’m going to write about, but things inevitably come together. One minute I’m bouncing around, lost, thinking Who’s driving this flying umbrella?, then before I know it I’m at the last paragraph, piecing together random things like sinus infections, skillets, and cartoons from my childhood. Writing, like life, is a mystery. All night I’ve been thinking about whether or not to go to the doctor, then thinking about apple cider vinegar, then thinking about whether or not to go to the doctor. I’ve been dealing with sinus issues most my life, and I still don’t know what the the best answer is. I guess something will happen when it happens. More and more I’m convinced my sister is right (there I said it)–we mortals just pretend like we know what we’re doing. And perhaps life often feels like a runaway circus tent–absolute chaos–because from our perspective it is. Yet somehow we manage to hang on for the ride, bumping from one moment to the next as the mystery of life takes us to wherever we’re going and things inevitably come together.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"It's never a minor thing to take better care of yourself."