There Are Other Cards to Pull (Blog #993)

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Hum. What to say? This morning I saw my therapist then ran a few errands–returned a frame to Hobby Lobby, hit up (as in browsed around, not robbed) a used book store. Anyway, I ended up buying a copy of Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland and a print–a page torn out of an art book–of a painting called Christ Discovered in the Temple by Simone Martini. In it a teenage Jesus has his arms crossed and is looking rather put upon by his parents, Mary and Joseph, who are clearly upset with his running off to teach the elders without first asking their permission. Which just goes to show that even our lord and savior couldn’t make all of the people happy all of the time.

So we might as well quit trying to.

This afternoon I met my family at Village Inn for Free Pie Wednesday. This is one of our new traditions, and–as per usual–I had WAY too much coffee with my slice of apple pie. It probably didn’t help that I hadn’t eaten anything else all day. Regardless, by the time I left the restaurant I was wired for light and sound. Even now, at midnight, I’m buzzing. Alas, this is what balance looks like for me lately, not me always walking the middle of the road, but me sometimes overdoing it, like today, and me sometimes under-doing it, like when I fast. More and more, I’m okay with this. As my therapist is fond of saying, we like to think that life is black and white, but the truth is–it’s gray.

This evening I got a haircut (trim), then my friend Justin helped me install a new battery for my laptop. Of course, by helped me install I mean he did it for me. This being said, the battery still needs to be calibrated (charged, fully depleted, then charged again), and I’ll do that part. So, as always, it takes a village.

And a Village Inn.

Go team.

While I was at the bookstore checkout counter today, another gentleman bought a book using store credit. I guess you can bring in books to sell and, instead of taking cash for them, take a trade out. Anyway, the clerk opened a file drawer full of index cards and started searching for this guy’s last name. Then the guy said, “I’m in here all the time, so just look for the card that’s highlighted yellow at the top.” Well, sure enough, the clerk found it lickety-split, pulled it right out. “That’s cool,” he said. “We should do that for other customers.”

“Well it wouldn’t work if you did it for EVERYONE,” the guy said.

Later I was thinking about this whole interaction and how our thoughts and emotions are like the notecards in that file cabinet drawer and how each of us has certain highlighted or go-to responses for any given situation. Like, a lot of guys get ANGRY whenever something goes wrong; a lot of women CRY. Never mind the fact that there are a hundred other ways to respond to whatever’s happening, that’s their highlighted card.

So that’s the card they pull.

Personally, I often pull the “I failed / I did something wrong card” whenever things don’t go perfectly, especially if someone else is upset with me. This has been one of the huge benefits to having a therapist. Whenever I experience stress in a relationship or situation, she helps me by offering a different perspective, by suggesting I pull a different card. “Here’s another way to look at this,” she’ll say. For example, we often discuss the irritating or off-putting behaviors of people (friends, family, self-help gurus, and even ourselves), and she’ll offer a reason WHY someone might behave the way they do. This helps me not only be more empathetic and understanding, but also more kind and–this is the biggie–more at peace.

My point in all this is that MOST of the time, our responses are habitual. Someone cuts us off in traffic, we get stuck behind one of those coupon users at Walmart, or a loved one doesn’t return our text and we go down the rabbit hole of entitlement. Like Jesus’s parents, we think, This isn’t going as I planned! We see the world in black and white–MY WAY and THE WRONG WAY. Over and over again we pull the card that says, “This sucks. Life isn’t working out for me.” In the process, we forget that there are other ways to think and perceive, that there are other cards to pull. Just as easily, at least with some practice, we could pull and eventually highlight the card that says, “Sweetheart, breathe. Be patient. Everything is working out here. Everything is working out for you.”

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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There’s no such thing as a small action. There’s no such thing as small progress.

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Let Me Have My World, I’ll Let You Have Yours (Blog #990)

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A few things–

1. On creating

Lately I’ve been working on a few creative projects, and today I finished one of them–a vintage Hollywood wallpaper magnet board. I made the board itself over a decade ago, but it’s been screwed to the back of a desk that’s been pushed up against a wall in my parents’ front room for I don’t know how long. Anyway, last week I took the board off the desk, two days ago I spray painted the wood for a frame, and today I attached the frame to the front of the board and fastened two hanging hooks to the back. And whereas I could tell you every little thing that went wrong with and what’s NOT perfect about the whole project, believe it or not, I won’t. Rather, I’m happy to say that for less than twenty dollars in supplies I have something that’s not only so much better than the industrial metal shelf I was using before, but is–I think–pretty cool.

As my therapist says, cheap thrills.

2. On perspective

Along the lines of cheap thrills, this evening I went shopping for a few craft items. One of the places I stopped was Target, and just after I looked at their furniture and was about to look at their picture frames, I noticed their wall clocks. Eyeing one in particular I thought, That is so beautiful. Well, not five minutes later I overheard a man ask his wife if she’d found a clock yet, and she said, “Hell no. All their clocks are ugly. I guess we’re gonna have to go back to Hobby Lobby.”

Now, I have no idea what KIND of clock this lady was looking for, where she was going to put it, or what her particular taste or style is. Nor, let’s be clear, do I care. I just think it’s interesting that what one person considers gorgeous another can find offensive. What’s the saying? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I also think it’s interesting that we all KNOW that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that everyone sees the world differently (according to their background, tastes, and predilections), and yet we spend so much time judging other people for not seeing the world like we do. Trying to convince them they should be more like us (because we’re so pleasant and fun to be around). I love peanut butter and eat it out of the jar, but recently someone said, “OH GROSS, THAT’S DISGUSTING!” UUUUHHHHH. Obviously in your world it is. In my world, it’s heaven.

My point: let me have my world, I’ll let you have yours.

Your world without Target clocks. Your world without peanut butter.

Your world without joy.

3. On interacting

This evening a total stranger commented on one of my ten-year-old YouTube videos. “Never, never, never count rumba 1,2,3 / 4,5,6!!!” he said. (The idea being that rumba, although it has six steps in a basic, is actually an eight-count dance and should be counted 1,2,3,4 / 5,6,7,8, where either the 2 and 4 or 4 and 8 are held beats.) These were his first, maybe his last words to me. Not a greeting or conversation starter–hi, hello, excuse me but I beg to differ–but rather a command with three exclamation points. As if he were my authority or dance boss. As if I weren’t another adult worthy of his respect.

Now, this online nonsense happens fairly often in my world. And whereas sometimes I let it go and sometimes I don’t and am rude in return (I’ll count rumba any damn way I want to), tonight I simply replied, “You’re obviously quite passionate about this, Stan. Please tell me more. In my experience teaching, I’ve found that some students prefer counting beats of music and some prefer counting steps or footfalls, which is why I count rumba two different ways in this video.”

Will he reply? Doubtful. Regardless of what he does, my point is that it’s important what I do. It’s important what you do. It’s vital that we ask ourselves, “How am I going to treat my fellow humans? Especially when I disagree with them, am I going to be rude and condescending (as if in this whole wide universe I know everything there is to know and therefore have the right to rub my superior opinions in your face), or am I going to be kind, compassionate, and humble?

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Better that you're true to yourself and the whole world be disappointed than to change who you are and the whole world be satisfied.

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The Game of Life (Blog #989)

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Phew. It’s two in the morning, and I’ve been going all day. This morning and afternoon I went antiquing/craft shopping, mostly hunting for inspiration. The last two days I’ve talked about mounting vintage brooches on old book covers, and I’ve gotten absolutely obsessed with the idea that you can use books for something other than reading. Talk about a novel idea. (Get it, novel?) Granted, I’ve used books for decoration before, but I’ve never cut them up strictly for parts until yesterday. This afternoon at a thrift store I rifled through a stack of books and judged them solely by their covers. I can’t tell you how good it felt.

No reading required.

Walking away from the thrift store with the above stack of pretty books, my mind raced with creative options. I thought, I could do this, I could do that. Honestly, it was a bit overwhelming, somewhat like staring at the menu at The Cheesecake Factory. Seriously, too many options! But this is life. Whether we’re crafting, writing, or picking out what to eat for dinner, we could go in a thousand directions. And whereas I tend to take decision-making rather seriously (like, What if I don’t choose the right thing?), I really think it’s meant to be more playful than profound. I mean, yes, even seemingly trivial choices have consequences. But if your following you heart, being kind, and having fun, I’m not sure you can go wrong.

Looking back at nearly a thousand days of blogging, I KNOW I haven’t always said or done the “right” or ideal thing. But here’s something I absolutely know to true–it’s better to create imperfectly than to not create at all.

This evening I babysat two boys, and we (well, me and one of the boys) played Fort Smith Opoly, our town’s nod to the famous (or is it infamous?) Monopoly board game. Y’all, I thought we’d be done super-quick, but the game went on for over two hours. We didn’t even get to finish; the boys had to go to bed. That being said, when we did wrap up I was kicking my opponent’s little rear end. He had two thousand dollars, and I had seven.

But don’t go asking me for a loan for your creative projects. You can’t spend Fort Smith Opoly money at Hobby Lobby.

It’s fake.

Recently I heard Caroline Myss say something like, “Think of all the wonderful things that have happened in your life–you didn’t plan any of them. Now think all the disasters in your life–you planned all of them.” Oh my gosh, y’all, I laughed out loud. How true. Every mentor or true-blue friend I’ve ever has been someone who just “showed up.” You know, randomly. Conversely, most every thorn in my flesh has been someone I saw and thought, I really need to get to know them. The idea being that it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to trust our own wisdom a little less and the wisdom of the gods a little more.

The idea being that they’re on our side and want good things for us.

For me what’s difficult about trusting heaven is that I’m not in control. Now, I KNOW I’m not in control, but one of the reasons I like to obsess over every little detail of creative projects is because it makes me FEEL like I am. This is all an illusion. (Give it up, Nancy.) I can brag about winning Fort Smith Opoly tonight, but if we’d ended the game thirty minutes earlier I wouldn’t have had even a hundred dollars because THREE times I rolled the dice and had to pay my little friend $2,000 when I landed on Downtown Fort Smith, which he owned and had developed to the enth degree. My point being that both my bad fortune and my good fortune were largely out of my hands, left to the roll of the dice. Left up to heaven. (Pause.) More and more I’m seeing whatever heaven sends my way as more than enough, better than I could plan for. So long as I get to play the game (of Fort Smith Opoly, of life), I’m content. So long as I get to create, I’m happy.

This dog, however, is apparently only happy when he’s hoarding five-hundred-dollar bills.

Don’t bother telling him they’re not real.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Give yourself an abundance of grace.

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On Going with the Flow (Blog #972)

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As someone who can usually be found reading, I rarely get out in nature. I mean, I walk around my neighborhood on a regular basis, but I don’t, like, hike. That being said, I enjoy hiking. I just never think to do it. If I look at my calendar and spot a free afternoon, I don’t reach for my boots, I reach for my books. Still, I’ve read that being outside is good for you, so I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. So get this shit. I recently ran into a friend and former student (when I impulsively stopped at Hobby Lobby to pick up supplies for a fix-it project I’ve been putting off for over a year) who said they loved to hike and wanted to get back into it. “Text me sometime,” I said, “I’d love to tag along.”

Well, they did, and I did. This morning my friend and I met at Lake Fort Smith and ended up hiking the Ozark Highlands Trail for three and a half hours. And whereas the total length of the trail is about a hundred and sixty-five miles, we went five and a half, which both I and my hips were more than fine with. But seriously, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed being outside, (heavily) breathing fresh air, listening to running water, and reconnecting with and getting to better know someone with similar interests.

When we finished hiking and I got back to town, I drove by Village Inn because my dad, my aunt, and a family friend of ours go there every week for Free Pie Wednesday. I earned a slice of pie today, I thought. Maybe I can catch “the crew” and join in the fun. And whereas I didn’t see their car in the parking lot, when I called my aunt she said they were on their way. “Ill grab a table,” I said. Well, it was everything I dreamed of and more. We laughed and laughed, and the pie was delicious.

Last night on a whim my dad suggested going out to our friend’s house, where I’d never been. “What else are you doing?” he said. “He has an Elvis Presley collection that’s to die for.”

“What the hell,” I said.

Y’all, just like today, it was the best time. Stepping into our friend’s house was like stepping into a time warp. His furniture was retro and cool, and–just like Dad promised–Elvis was everywhere–on the calendar, the Christmas tree, and the roll-out carpet. On the wall there was even a picture of Elvis in his underwear. (“That was worth the trip,” I said later.) Anyway, visiting in our friend’s kitchen I thought, Life is so random. One minute you’re sitting at home staring at Facebook, and the next you’re in a whole new world, The World of Velvet Elvis. And whereas some people might judge our friend for having SO MUCH Elvis paraphernalia (how gauche!), I thought it was absolutely delicious. More and more I think, Am I going to judge my experience, or embrace it?

This evening I had a free hour and called my friend Justin to see if he wanted to catch up. “We could walk the dog I’m sitting,” I said. Well, Justin was in the middle of something but said it could wait. “Why don’t you come pick me up?” he suggested. Again, this on-a-whim meeting was fabulous. We laughed, we cried, it was better than Cats.

At one point on our hike today, my friend and I stopped to snack on the bank of a fast-moving creek. “The water is so powerful,” I said, my thought being that it didn’t look like something you’d want to fight against. Rather, it looked like something that could carry you along. Anyway, that’s Justin, he doesn’t insist on a rigid schedule; he lets life move him. When I dropped him back off at his house I said, “One thing I really appreciate about you is your ability to be spontaneous.” He explained, “I figure one way or the other our plans will eventually get wrecked.” Exactly. So better to go with the flow and happily accept random adventures than swim upstream and insist on having it your way.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"There are a lot of benefits to being right here, right now."