On Working with Your Body (Blog #815)

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I spent today with my friends Aaron and Kate. We were originally going to hang out on a river somewhere, but the weather didn’t cooperate. So instead we ended up with several other friends and acquaintances eating pizza and drinking Bloody Marys, and then later eating Mexican food and drinking margaritas. Y’all, this was an all-day affair, and I can’t tell you how currently stuffed I am. Stuffed with bad decisions. Seriously, I just got home thirty minutes ago, and my stomach is still cramping. I keep apologizing to my body. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just got carried away.

I just said I made bad decisions, but the truth is that I needed today. Most days I’m so uptight. Even when I don’t have a schedule, I make one. I make myself read, make myself write. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy these things. I’m no martyr. Still, I push, push, push. But today there wasn’t any pushing, other than carbohydrates and liquids down my throat. Instead, there was just story-telling and laughter. Nothing serious. Everything lighthearted. Just what the doctor ordered.

Well, everything lighthearted–and TUMS.

I’ve mentioned before that my neck and shoulder have bothered me for months. In short, although they’re not awful, they are really tight and sore. I get a lot of headaches. I can’t tell you how frustrating this is, especially since I’ve tried SO MANY THINGS in an attempt to feel better. Alas, healing continues to be a journey. That being said, this morning I woke up with a stiff neck and tried something different. First, I did my best to relax. This is difficult to explain, but my default, even when lying down is often to hold a certain amount of tension. So I tried relaxing–letting go–ten percent, twenty percent. I kept telling myself, Just give in a little. Nothing bad is going to happen.

Next I tried having a conversation with my body. I‘m going to be spending time with friends today and would like to not get a headache. I’d like to just have fun. Would you mind letting go? Could we try that? And whereas the relaxing and the dialoguing (monologuing) weren’t lightening-flash, Hallelujah-chorus moments, I do think they helped. I went all afternoon and most the evening without even thinking about my neck or shoulders. So maybe my body listened. Eight hours without a undue tension. This is a big deal for me. Granted, I have some tension now, but still.

Things could be much worse.

Now it’s nine at night, and I’m feeling better. My insulin has kicked in, and I’m not cramping anymore. Even the tension in my neck I just mentioned has slacked off a bit. The “big lesson” for me today is that my body is a living, breathing, moving, intelligent thing. So often I think of any tension I carry, any problem I have, as this static, solid thing. As if my body were carved out of a piece of stone and were completely unwilling and unable to change. But more and more I’m learning that my body is something softer (and no, that’s not just because I eat pizza), something wiser, something that’s on my side. Something that’s willing to work with me if I’m willing to work with it.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Damn if good news doesn't travel the slowest.

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On Looking Back (Blog #686)

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It’s Valentine’s Day. No offense to anyone in a relationship, but–balloons, chocolates, and candy–ick. Clearly I’m not in a relationship. And whereas most days I’m okay with that, I admit it–today it’d be nice to have someone to take a selfie with so we could post it on social media and make all the single people out there jealous. Now, what I’d do with this person the other 364 days of the year, I don’t know. Anyway, in order to NOT be jealous of all the lovely couples out there posting pictures, I’ve tried to stay off the internet today. I say tried–I’ve only been mildly successful.

This afternoon I started worrying about finances. That’s a great thing to do on a day when you already don’t feel great. Then I started getting a headache and maybe a fever blister, so I took a nap. Sometimes this is my best strategy when I can’t find a good-feeling thought. Unfortunately, the nap didn’t last long, and I woke up still overwhelmed. But then a friend who’s a great listener and always makes me laugh called, and we solved the world’s problems for almost an hour. Now I don’t feel fabulous, but I don’t feel awful either, which I consider an improvement.

I guess there’s something about getting your worries and concerns out–saying them to a friend, writing them down on paper (or the internet) that makes them feel more manageable. I guess it gives you room to breathe. That’s something I’ve been trying to do lately–breathe. (I’ve also been trying to stay off the internet today). I feel like my body is asking me to breathe, to slow down, in a dozen different ways, and I really am trying to give myself a break. And yet there’s all this stress. Wayne Dyer says you could search the world over and never find enough stress to fill up a bucket. That is, it’s all in your head. I would add, however, it’s also in your body. When I get worked up, I get a headache, maybe a fever blister. I break out in hives.

Put me in a bucket, Wayne.

Yesterday I told myself that I was going to take myself to a movie this afternoon. Since Valentine’s is the day of love, I reasoned, I might as well spend it with someone I care about. Alas, this plan didn’t happen. Instead, I went to the grocery store, where I bought a basketful of fruits and vegetables because I’m trying to add juices to my diet. I say trying because when I got home and made my first juice (spinach, celery, pineapple, and ginger), I discovered our blender is officially a wimp. Seriously, what’s the point of having blades and a motor if you’re no match for a stalk of celery? But whatever, I made it work. And you should have seen me drinking that green stuff. I felt so freakin’ healthy.

Then I had tacos for dinner.

Earlier when I was talking to my friend, I brought up a few bad days from my past–the day my dad went to prison, for example. I said, “Compared to that day, today was a breeze.” And not that I think a day has to be the worst day ever in order to be recognized as difficult. I really hate when you’re struggling and someone says, “It could be worse” or “There are starving children in India.” Granted, it could be worse–things can always be worse–and that doesn’t mean you’re not struggling right here, right now. Still, I do think it’s important to remember that things HAVE BEEN worse–not because pain is a contest–but because looking back can remind you what you’ve come through. It can remind you how strong and capable you are. It can remind you that even the worst situations can come to an end. In short, it can remind you to–

hope.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We always have more support than we realize.

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Take a Year If You Need It (Blog #683)

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I didn’t sleep well last night. I guess I was worked up/ worried about the leaks under our kitchen sink and a few things I’m not looking forward to this week including Valentine’s Day (because I’m single AF). Much to my chagrin, I discovered when I got up this morning that my efforts to stop one of the leaks didn’t work. Boo hiss. Anyway, my dad called a plumber, so now we’re waiting. And whereas I wish I could have handled the problem myself, sometimes you simply need reinforcements.

I’m talking to you, people who learn to dance on YouTube.

This afternoon I went to my dermatologist’s office for the first of three visits this week because I’m being patch tested to see what “common household ingredients” my skin reacts to. My dermatologist suggested the test when she found out I had some issues last year that were most likely connected to a laundry detergent I was using at the time. Anyway, the testing process consists of having 74 different potential irritants exposed to your back and–later–seeing how your skin responds. That is, I go back in two days to see if I’ve had an immediate reaction, then again two days after that to see if I’ve had a delayed reaction.

My whole life feels like a delayed reaction.

Last summer I was tested for allergies via a test in which my skin was actually scratched three dozen times or so. Thankfully, I didn’t get scratched today; the potential irritants were adhered to me. Below is a picture of what my back looked like right after the patches were stuck on. Tonight’s main photo was taken after this one, and it shows what my back looks like now–covered in tape to keep everything secure. The nurse told me, “No antihistamines, no showers [a bath is okay if my upper back stays dry], and no excessive sweating.”

“But a moderate amount of sweating is okay?” I asked, thinking, I don’t control my sweat glands, lady.

Eight hours after having the patches stuck on, I feel fine. A few times today I’ve felt a little itchy in a spot or two, but not all over. Of course, I’m paranoid that my skin is freaking out and am imagining that I’m allergic to everything the Dow Chemical Company every invented. The nurse did say, “Sometimes people blister and don’t even feel it.” BLISTER! Still, whatever will happen will happen, and I’m telling myself this is just information, and the more information I have the better. Not to mention, somehow I’ve survived in the world of “common household ingredients” this long.

Otherwise, today’s been whatever. When I left the dermatologist’s office, I forced myself to go to the library and do some paperwork. Woo. Every since then I’ve had a headache, this low-level throb that won’t let go no matter what I try. It’s just demanding enough that it’s hard to write, focus, or be optimistic. (Insert period of time here.) Okay, I just took (more) pills. I’m going to the gym later and don’t want to be miserable. Sometimes you simply need reinforcements.

Earlier this evening I saw my friend Bonnie and told her that despite a part of my brain knowing “this too shall pass” and that I’ll feel differently about things (Valentine’s Day, my health, my life) later, most of my brain feels like every current challenge in my life is permanent. Like, Hang it up, Marcus. Nothing ever gets better. Bonnie said, “That’s not what you’d tell a friend, though.” And she’s right, I wouldn’t. I’d say, “Sweetheart, everything changes. Give it a day or two. Take a year if you need it. You’ll feel differently soon enough.” So I’m trying to be patient with both life and myself. I’m trying to talk to me like a friend would.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Why should anyone be embarrassed about the truth?"

Two Scoops of Trouble (Blog #642)

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It’s the first day of the new year, and I’m fighting a headache, a small one. Probably because I spent the afternoon drinking beer. Not like an idiot, mind you, like a sophisticated adult. (With his pinky raised in the air.) It’s most likely a wheat thing. I don’t think my body tolerates it the same way it used to, and I hate that. Or maybe the headache is a result of my being slumped in a chair all day. Poor posture can do that. Sitting is the new smoking, they say. Whatever the case, this too shall pass.

If I don’t first.

To be clear, I wasn’t drinking alone; I spent most the day with my friend Justin. This was the perfect way to start 2019, with one of my closest and long-time friends, discussing everything from our personal challenges to fly fishing and time travel. I recently had knee surgery, and Justin watched me go through my rehab exercises and–when we got out of the house for food later–offered his support if I needed someone to lean on. And whereas I didn’t, there’s just something about a good friend, someone who joins you wherever you are and doesn’t make a big deal out of it.

Other than hanging out with Justin, I’ve spent this evening doing (more) rehab exercises, washing and folding laundry (for the first time since before surgery), and binging on Netflix’s Atypical (Season 2), a series about an autistic teenager and his family. In the last episode I watched (before I told myself, Stop, Marcus, stop and blog), one of the characters proposed that autistics are actually normal because they see the world as it is without adding an extra layer of meaning to it. Conversely, they said, neurotypicals (people who aren’t autistic) are “off” because we take what is and extrapolate. For example, in the series (and I’m about to give away critical details from season one), one of the characters has an affair. Of course, their spouse is upset and takes the affair quite personally. But to the autistic character it’s nothing to be upset about; it’s just a fact. He says, “I’ve never met anyone who’s committed adultery before.”

What I like about this scene and interaction is that it reminds me to come back to the facts whenever my head starts spinning. Like, in terms of my injured knee, it’s easy for me to take an already challenging situation and make it worse by adding on layer and layer of worry, anxiety, panic, and fear. But the truth is simple. I recently had knee surgery and will do rehab exercises three times a day for the next week. At that point, I’ll be given further instructions. (Simple.) Granted, I don’t have to like this simple truth, but I’m happier if do. Once a friend said, “If it’s raining outside and I hate that, it’s still raining.” Their point is clear–there’s a lot in life we can’t control, but our perspective is one of the things we can.

A shift in perspective. This, I think, is nothing short of a miracle. As I’ve been blogging, my headache has only gotten worse, but even saying something like, “This too shall pass,” reminds me it’s not permanent. Nothing here is permanent. Last year an entire year passed away. For weeks I’ve battled a skin rash, and now it’s all but disappeared, as if it were never here in the first place. This is the way life is. Problems show up out of nowhere, stay a while, then go back to where they came from. More and more, I’m learning to meet the problems in my life as if they were a good friend. (Okay, maybe just a decent friend.) But my point is, knowing our time together is limited, I might as well face facts and welcome my challenges right here, right now. Why make a big deal about them by adding an “isn’t it awful?” cherry on top of my trials and tribulations sundae?

Two scoops of trouble is enough for me, thanks.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We are all connected in a great mystery and made of the same strong stuff.

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What I’ve Learned (Blog #420)

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Well shit. It’s three in the morning, and I have been up all–freaking–day. Like, since 9:30, which is super-duper early in my world. When I woke up this morning, it was to 1960s groove music blaring over a Bose speaker just outside my door, which was technically my friend Bonnie’s door, since I stayed in her guest room last night so we could go on a road trip today. Last night I told Bonnie, “Just knock on my door thirty minutes before you’re ready to hit the road.” But instead of knocking, Bonnie did the loud music thing. There I was in the middle of a dream, and the next thing I knew I was jumping out of my skin as a saxophone blared and Junior Walker and the All Stars sang, “PUT ON YOUR WIG, WOMAN, goin’ out to shake and fingerpop.”

I screamed, “I’m awake! I’m awake!” (And I’ll get my wig.)

After getting around and eating breakfast, Bonnie and I left town for Nashville, which is where her sons live, where her (currently traveling) husband is meeting all of us tomorrow, and where we’re celebrating her birthday. We were on the road all day, and whereas I thought I’d sleep at least a little, I didn’t sleep a bit. Rather, Bonnie and I visited, and I read a book. The drive itself was great, about eight hours, including two stops–one for Waffle House, one for gasoline.

We rolled into town about 7:30 and visited briefly with Bonnie’s son Ben and his wife Mallory. (We’re staying with them.) But then I showered and took off to meet another friend of mine who happens to be in town this weekend. (A happy coincidence.) So we caught up for a couple hours, then I came back to Ben and Mal’s and visited some more. (So much visiting today.) Now it’s three in the morning, and I’m flat wore out. My skull has been mildly throbbing all day, and I’m more over this headache than Dorothy was over the rainbow. I mean, WAY over it. But other than that, it’s been a fabulous day. God knows I love a good road trip, and, y’all, Nashville is a happening place. Even before we got to Little Rock today, I thought, This is going to be a good weekend. Can’t say why, it’s just a feeling.

HOWEVER, Mallory does keep her house the temperature of a meat locker, so I’m currently freezing my ass off. Like, in this moment, as we speak, and right now, I have a blanket around my shoulders. I look like my grandma, all wrapped up with a shawl about my neck. I’m shivering. This doesn’t change my good feeling about the weekend, but I am going to need to keep this blanket with me in order to stay warm.

Or more tequila.

Go easier on yourself.

Okay, that’s it. I’ve got to get some rest. Almost a year ago I was here in Nashville celebrating Bonnie’s birthday (it’s an annual occurrence) and was just starting this blog. We’d tour around the city, party all night, then I’d stay up until sunrise writing. And whereas I could do that night, I won’t do that tonight. I NEED to sleep. So I’m going to sleep, even though I haven’t spilled every detail about today or shared every thought in my head. Because here’s what I’ve learned in a year. It’s okay to go easier on yourself, to not push-push-push, to wake up to dance music, simply have a good day, and not make it any more complicated than that.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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And God knows you don't make everyone else happy. But this is no reason to quit or be discouraged, since doing what you love and feel called to do is never--never--about gaining acceptance from others.

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