This morning I had coffee with my friend Marla, and she mentioned that I’ve been “very loyal” to this blog. “For sure, I’m committed,” I said. Then Marla said, “If someone wanted to torture you, they could lock you in a room for a day so you couldn’t write.”
NOOOOOOOO.
Later when Marla asked what I was doing this afternoon and I said, “Not a damn thing,” she said, “I can’t imagine that.” I said, “I’ve had a lot of practice.” I guess Marla’s a go-go-goer like I was for most of my life. Of course, things have been, um, more laid-back these last two years. My calendar is full of empty days, days without a schedule. Sometimes I tell people I’m preparing for retirement. And whereas not having a million things to do occasionally bothers me, I think I’ve finally learned to enjoy my freedom.
You can get used to anything.
Lately, thanks to a meditation practice I recently started, I’ve noticed how much tension I carry in my body and soul on a moment-to-moment basis. I’ve said before that I’m often nervous or anxious, anything but calm and relaxed. My physical body mirrors this. My shoulders are usually tight or raised. It’s like part of me is always on alert, ready for a fight. Perhaps defensive would be a good way to describe how I frequently feel. A lot of times I fantasize about telling people off or “having my day in court.” I’m assuming people who have resolved their inner and outer tensions don’t do this. (I could be wrong.) My point is that when you live this way for years and years (decades), you don’t think of it as abnormal because–for you–it’s the way life is. But I’m learning that just as you can get used to tension, you can get used to whatever the opposite of tension is.
After having an abundantly good day and feeling like a million bucks (or at least a hundred thousand bucks) yesterday, I’ve felt sick again today. Not awful, but not great either. The Mucus came back. And whereas I’m really getting tired of this roller coaster of a sinus infection (up one day, down the next), I’m glad my body hasn’t completely given in (down every day). Plus, I had the thought that life is often like the movie Groundhog Day. That is, perhaps when we live the same day or circumstance over and over again, it’s because we still have something to learn from it. For example, two of the days in the last week that I’ve woken up with a head full of mucus, I’d had ice cream the night before. Maybe this is something I need to take note of.
Eat ice cream in the morning.
But seriously, there’s always something more to learn. And yes, I hate that. I really wish I could check “healthy sinuses” off my to-do list. But we all have those things in our lives that continue to stretch us, to teach us patience, kindness, or compassion. Or simply how to accept this present moment, which without question is different than the one before. This is something I’ve been learning as I’ve been meditating on tension and paying particular attention to my physical aches and pains–nothing is constant. Even pain isn’t constant. Yes, I know that for some people it doesn’t go away, but it still shifts. One minute it’s hot and throbbing, the next minute it’s cold and stiff. Pain, like everything else in life, is a roller coaster.
The truth is everything in life is impermanent. Don’t like what you’re going through? It’ll change. LIKE what you’re going through? It’ll change. As loyal as I’ve been to the this blog, there will come a day when it will end. There will come a day when my sinus infections will end, even if it’s when I do. Because I will end, just as you will. Not to be morbid, but it’s the truth. Everything that has a beginning, has an ending. This includes creative projects, health problems, human beings, and even universes. Perhaps the best we can do while we are here is to enjoy this ride–with its inevitable ups and downs, delights and terrors, and moments of tension and release.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If you’re making yourself up to get someone else’s approval–stop it–because you can’t manipulate anyone into loving you. People either embrace you for who and what you are–or they don’t.
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