The Beatles, Bananas, and Blogging (Blog #187)

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Today I overslept, even by my standards, because I forgot to set my alarm last night. Despite the fact that I woke up “on my own,” I still had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready to go to my one hour of work this week. I guess there’s an advantage to having a dad who screams when he’s on the phone and a mom who tries to quiet him down by saying, “RON! BE QUIET–MARCUS IS SLEEPING!” I mean, who needs an alarm clock when you live with people who are losing their hearing?

This afternoon I met with the group of ladies I’ve been teaching lately. For about two months, they’ve been practicing a routine to perform at a talent show/fundraiser, and the event is next week. Today was our next-to-last rehearsal, and I think everyone was scared shitless. I guess this is how it should be. In my experience with dance performances and event planning, it doesn’t matter how early you start–everything comes together at the last minute. More often than not, things go better than planned. Thankfully, even when they don’t, life goes on.

Ob-la-di.

After dance I sat on the porch with Bonnie and Todd and convinced myself that drinking two beers was the equivalent of eating of a light, healthy dinner. Well, right about the time I was counting calories, Bonnie brought out Todd’s bananas, and I mean that literally because Todd has a banana tree in his backyard. Anyway, this was the first bunch Todd’s ever picked or plucked or whatever you do with bananas, so when Bonnie gave me a bite to sample, I kind of felt like a celebrity judge on one of those cooking shows. Taking care to cleanse my palate first with alcohol, I raised my pinky finger, placed the banana in my mouth, and tasted away. Well, we all agreed the bananas were still a little green, at least on the inside. Maybe that had something to do with Arkansas and bananas, but it could have just been that we ate them too soon.

When I left Todd and Bonnie’s, I went to the library, which is turning out once again to be a great place for high-speed internet and watching videos. Plus, it’s quiet and people leave you the hell alone. I did get a little nervous in the bathroom today, however, just after I’d used the urinal. Intent on washing my hands, I got distracted by the mirror and started dancing to the music in my headphones. Well, I heard a toilet flush, so I stopped. I’ve been caught again, I thought. But then I realized the flush came from the urinal I’d just used, since everything is automatic and on a slight delay these days.

Phew.

So I got to the library two hours before they closed and started watching a two-and-a-half hour video about personal transformation. Considering I have a hangup with completion, this thirty-minute time difference turned out to be a real problem. Well, since Starbucks is open late, I just went there to finish watching the video. This worked out beautifully, since I could really spread out, drink hot tea, and basically pretend I had a regular job–or just a job, period.

I guess I give myself a lot of shit about the fact that I’m not working and really earning a dollar lately. I mean, I pick up stuff now and then, but I spend most my time going for walks, reading books, and blogging, none of which currently pay the bills. Whenever I talk to my therapist about this, she says it would be difficult to not feel pressure about not working because I’m a man who lives in America, and pretty much everyone over here believes men should work for money and money is equal to self-value. But she also says I don’t have to play by everyone else’s rules, that what I’m doing now is an investment, and she thinks that investment will pay off. In her words, “It’s just the way the universe works.”

Some days it’s easier to believe this than others.

When I first started blogging, I was checking my site stats every day to see how many people were visiting the site and how many pages they were clicking on. Well, this is an exhausting thing to do. No matter what the number is, you always wish it were higher. If one person comments or gives you a thumbs up, you want it to be two. All that being said, I just looked at my site stats, and they seem lower than normal. Of course, part of me gets why this could happen, and another part of me thinks, Fuck blogging–I could be watching Will and Grace.

All things become ripe when they’re ready.

It’s moments like these that I have to remind myself why I started this blog in the first place, and it wasn’t to get a certain number of page views each day. That’s nice if it happens, of course, but I started this blog to develop a discipline of consistent writing and to further my self-growth with daily honesty, vulnerability, and introspection. With those things as standards, this blog has been nothing but a success. When I really think about what this blog has done for me personally, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I guess sometimes I get so focused on some future performance that I forget to enjoy rehearsing, which is, of course, where the real work takes place. It’s like I’m trying to eat a banana while it’s still green, forcing something to grow before its time. With this in mind, I simply return to the keyboard, trusting that all things become ripe when they’re ready, things usually go better than planned anyway, and ob-la-di and no matter what, life goes on.

[Here’s a link to that song by The Beatles.]

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You've really got to believe in yourself and what you're doing. Again, it comes down to integrity and making something solid of yourself, something that's so well-built on the inside that it can handle any storm.

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Handing Out Gold Stars (Blog #186)

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Earlier tonight I had a piece of food stuck in my teeth–well–in my permanent bottom retainer. You know how food gets stranded in your mouth, the way it hangs in there like a bad relationship, refuses to give up like Cher. You keep digging at the food remnant with your tongue, jabbing at it from all angles, swishing your spit around, hoping. Before long, you’ve got yourself a full-fledged hobby. Anyway, this went on for a couple hours with what I assume was a piece of tuna. Finally, I called for backup in the form of a toothpick, which quickly and easily dislodged the fishy little offender.

A toothpick–now there’s a novel idea.

Speaking of novels, I spent the evening at the library, mostly using the fast internet, but also reading. Earlier this summer I started watching TNT’s television show Will, which is about young, sexy William Shakespeare. Initially I was interested because Shakespeare was–I don’t know–a pretty good writer, but I don’t mind saying I’ve stuck with the series because of the young, sexy part. Anyway, as of today, I had three episodes left to watch, and midway through the second, I hit my mobile hotspot data limit. (When that happens, things slow way down. I can still blog, but video watching is challenging to the point that I start cussing.) So I went to library and finished the series.

Phew. Another item completed. I may have to give myself a gold star.

So I have this fear about undercooked chicken. Maybe I should start by saying I’m not the best in the kitchen–at least if we’re talking about preparing food. I mean, I don’t suck (again, at preparing food), but it’s rare that I don’t end up with a piece of shell in my bowl whenever I crack an egg. Several years ago I heard that you could put a can of beans directly on the stovetop in order to cook them, and I thought this sounded like culinary genius. Also, once while I was cutting up Velveeta cheese to microwave for cheese dip, I had a friend take away my knife because “I was doing it completely wrong.” Clearly, we all have our talents.

Anyway, anyone who can fuck up cheese dip can most certainly fuck up chicken, and I most certainly have on more than one occasion. Of course, if you’ve ever eaten undercooked chicken, you know it ain’t pretty. But what do you do? Obviously, you sit there, moan, and regret.

This may come as a surprise, but sometimes I can be a teensy bit dramatic and make things out to be a bigger deal than they really are. (I’ll give you a moment to get over the shock.) Well, earlier this year I told my sister that I was afraid of undercooking chicken, and she said, “That’s funny, it’s not complicated,” then explained the whole process. I thought, You can do this, Marcus. It’s just a damn bird. Since then, I’m proud to say, things have gone a lot better. Why, I even had chicken (and sweet potatoes and kale) for breakfast today.

Well.

When I left the library I went for a walk, first around a nearby park because there was a guy working out without his shirt on, then around a local neighborhood. Maybe thirty minutes into the walk is when my stomach started cramping. Putting both hands on my belly, I thought, Uh oh–the chicken. Immediately, I began power walking, simultaneously wondering, If I absolutely had to, could I shit in someone’s front yard and not get caught? Thankfully, it didn’t come to that. Actually, when I got to my car and sat down, the cramps got considerably better, so maybe it was just the exercise my stomach didn’t like.

For maybe a couple years I’ve had a book on my Amazon wish list called Spoons Are for Stirring Coffee by Austin Coats. I honestly don’t remember where I first heard about the book, but it’s a memoir about addiction. Several times since adding the book to my list, I’ve thought about reading it. But I’m always reading multiple books at any given time, addiction isn’t one of my favorite topics, and I figured the only reason the book kept catching my eye was because of the clever title. Anyway, for the last several days, I haven’t been able to get the title out of my head. Spoons Are for Stirring Coffee, Spoons Are for Stirring Coffee, Spoons Are for Stirring Coffee. You know how your brain puts stuff on repeat. Well, I’m always asking the universe questions, and I do believe this sort of thing (intuition) is one of the ways it can answer, so I started with Googling the author.

As it turns out, the author is from Fort Smith. That’s weird, I’m from Fort Smith too! Half expecting to hear the theme from The Twilight Zone, I looked around the room for hidden cameras and thought, Fine, you have my attention. I’ll buy the book. So now I’m a couple chapters into it, things are going fine except for the fact that the guy’s addicted to drugs, and I’ll report more later.

For the last hour and a half–the entire time I’ve been blogging–one of the virus scanners on my laptop has been downloading new virus definitions. Apparently it’s been two years since I’ve updated them. (Whoops.) Anyway, I guess the internet is really, really slow, and–oh my god, I’m not kidding–it just finished. That feels good. Another item completed. I may have to give my laptop a gold star.

Way to go, laptop.

One thing finishes, another starts. Things happen when they happen.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a hangup on completion, a big enough hangup that all my therapist has to do is say, “Completion,” and we can save about thirty minutes of dialogue because we’ve had that conversation so many times it’s not even funny. Still, it keeps coming up, so I guess we’re not completely done with the topic of completion. How’s that for ironic? Honestly, the more I live, I’m not sure that anything is ever done. I mean, I finished a television series today and picked a piece of food out of my teeth tonight after dicking around with it for two hours, but I still have a dozen other shows flagged to watch in my Netflix cue, and I plan to eat again tomorrow. One thing finishes, another starts. And as for why my stomach cramped up earlier or why I thought about buying that book for two years and finally did tonight, I can’t say. Things happen when they happen. But I’m starting to believe that the universe doesn’t hand out gold stars, at least for watching television shows or making cheese dip. If anything, the rewards come for simply braving the kitchen, for being willing to show up here in the first place.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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It's enough to sit in, and sometimes drag ass through, the mystery.

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