After a full weekend of working and partying (and gaining an pound and a half), today I took a break from working and eating. This is something I’m trying to do, consciously rest and fast one day a week. Last Saturday/Sunday was my first attempt, and I fasted for 23 hours. (It didn’t suck.) So far this time I’m at 26. Unless something drastic happens first, I’ll break the fast at, well, breakfast tomorrow. With any luck at all, I will have erased some of my food sins from this last week and, more importantly, given my body a chance to heal.

In order to not spend the day thinking about food, I’ve spent the day watching movies, first Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindenwald, then Rocketman, the Elton John biopic. Also, I watched the next to last episode of The Deuce, a series my therapist started me on (but not for therapeutic reasons). Anyway, I’ve been hungry and a little lightheaded (please don’t ask me to be articulate), but it hasn’t been awful. One thing I’ve been thinking about is how we make things out to be a big deal in our heads that aren’t a big deal in reality. For example, not eating. I keep thinking, I don’t know if I can make it. But it turns out our bodies were designed to survive–for a while–without food. I mean, it’s not like our ancestors had refrigerators and a plethora of fast food restaurants a stone’s throw away.

What did they have, Marcus?

Their fat.

Another thing that’s more difficult to do in your head than in reality is going to therapy. Since I started therapy over five years ago, a number of friends and family members have said, “I would never go. I could never go.” Okay. What are you so afraid of–a conversation? Because that’s all that happens there. Of course, you’ll be challenged to change, but it’s not like anybody holds a gun to your head and demands that you get some boundaries. (“Tell your aunt Sally to stop being so nosey, or I’ll pull the trigger!”) That’s all up to you. Change is always up to you.

Of course, making changes and having healthy boundaries isn’t easy. If it were, everyone would do it. But again, experience has taught me that difficult conversations are mostly difficult in my head. Not that every confrontation I’ve had over the last five years has been comfortable and fun, but they’ve all gone better than expected. Once I open my mouth and say, “I think we need to talk,” I find strength I didn’t know was there. I hear myself saying things I was afraid to say (“I’m done with this shit,” “I’m sorry,” “I’d like to try again”) and think, Okay, I’m doing it. This is really happening. When it’s all over I think, Phew. That wasn’t so bad.

Something else I’ve been thinking about is a question my therapist often asks me when I directly or indirectly ask for her advice–“What do YOU want to do?” This, I think, is the mark of a good therapist or even a good friend–rather than taking your problem as an opportunity to pontificate and sound smart, they turn you back to your own wisdom. They affirm that YOU know what’s best for YOUR life. Recently I had a disagreement with someone, and when I asked my therapist how to handle it, she said, “What do want to do–other than kick them in the junk?” Well, it was a professional relationship, and I wanted to quit, to walk away. Ultimately, that’s what I did. I was polite about it, but I said, “I’m outta here.”

And I’ve been happier ever since.

I guess my therapist asks this question of her clients a lot–what do you want to do?–not because most people don’t know what they want to do, but rather because most people are afraid to do what they want to do–quit a job, turn down an invitation, tell someone to fuck off (to the moon, Alice!). At one point when I owned the dance studio I had some drama with a student and found myself being nervous to go to work–AT MY OWN STUDIO! Well, it took me a couple days to grow the balls, but I eventually said what I wanted to–“I’d like you to leave and not come back.” The best part? They did. Now, they took their money and a few of their friends (and THEIR money) with them, but the drama was over and I had more peace in my life.

The older I get, the more I’m convinced peace is priceless.

Joseph Campbell says we all start off life as camels. We take on heavy loads that aren’t our own–gladly. But if we’re lucky we evolve into lions, self-possessed creatures. The job of the lion, Campbell says, is to slay the dragon on whose scales is written the words “thou shalt.” This is part of the growing up or maturing process, that rather than forever being told by another what you should do, you become the authority for your own life. If your inner wisdom says to tell someone to get lost, you do it–and you accept the consequences. This is another part of growing up–you take responsibility for yourself and what your life looks like. You stop blaming others (your parents, the gods, the economy). You realize that at the end of the day the person with the most influence over your circumstances, your relationships, and your happiness–is you and you alone.