It’s 10:30 in the evening, and (I can’t believe I’m about to say this) it’s almost my bedtime. My new goal is to be “light’s off” by midnight or one, so I really need to plow through tonight’s writing. This is one thing my newly instituted bedtime is good for. It’s helping me prioritize and get things done faster. Like, this afternoon I read quite a bit, went for a jog (which ended up being mostly a walk because it was hotter than Luicfers’s microwave oven outside), then taught a dance lesson. Then I went shopping for clothes, but eventually “hung it up” when I thought, I’ve got to start blogging so I can get to bed on time!

So here I am.

While out shopping, I saw a wall decoration that said, “In CoCo, we trust.” I’m assuming it referred to Coco Chanel (or perhaps Conan “CoCo” O’Brien), but I nearly squealed out loud because CoCo is one of my nicknames. (I picked the moniker up at a dance event because my last name is Coker.) Anyway, I was doubly excited, since CoCo is the “author name” I chose to use here on the blog when I originally set it up. (This is why each post lists CoCo as the author and why the blue box at the bottom of each blog says “Quotes from CoCo.”)

So that’s explained.

I read this afternoon that “Doubt is twofold inspiration. Faith is a single inspiration. Certainty is vanquished doubt; it is faith regained.” This quote stood out to me because I’m often saying, “Part of me thinks this, and part of me thinks that.” In other words, I doubt a lot. So often I WANT to believe that my health is improving, that the universe is abundant, and that life itself is GOOD, but these are challenging views for me to maintain every minute of every day, especially in light of some of my personal history. But I love the idea of “vanquished doubt” or “faith regained,” of holding a single, positive viewpoint like “my life is improving,” “the universe is abundant,” or “life itself is good.”

Period. No room for doubt.

I’m not pretending to be there, all-faith, by any means. Plus, I don’t know–I think a little doubt is good. After all, you don’t want to be a sucker to every idea (or multi-level marketing scheme) that comes along. But I am working on more faith, as I’m big on the idea of integration, of aligning all your personal powers in one direction and not being wishy-washy. For example, when it comes to this new sleep-schedule, it wouldn’t do for me to try it a few days then give it up or just start going to bed on time “now and then.” That obviously wouldn’t be integrated thinking and behavior; it would be piecemeal thinking and behavior.

In my experience, faith doesn’t come all at once. It doesn’t vanquish doubt in one fell swoop the way you would vanquish a fly with a flyswatter. Like, in the beginning with this blog, I wondered, Can I do this every–single–day? So many times I had my doubts. But having written every day for over five hundred days, many of which were filled with exhaustion, illness, and various other “trials of the flesh,” now I KNOW, without a doubt, I can do this. (I AM doing this.) As I’ve said before, the whole endeavor has been a journey that’s worked absolute magic on my body, soul, and spirit. For one thing, I trust myself now. (In CoCo, I trust.) And whereas other doubts remain, this fundamental regaining of faith in myself, in the wholeness of my being, gives me strength for dealing with my remaining doubts. And surely their days are numbered. For if one’s biggest doubt can be vanquished, any doubt can be vanquished.