Last night I dreamed that I was at summer camp, in the winter. I was with a friend, and we decided to go for a run. I was in short sleeves with an orange vest on, a vest I actually own in real life that’s like the one Michael J. Fox wore in Back to the Future. Someone pointed out that the tag said, “F2.” Anyway, we jogged around, and it was like an outdoor museum. There were statues. At some point I encountered a policeman who started bothering me, and I told him to give me a break, man. Then I climbed up on a rock, which apparently I wasn’t supposed to be on, since a camp counselor picked up where the policeman left off. More vocal than normal, I said, “Give it a rest. I’m not hurting anyone.” And then I woke up.

I didn’t actually get out of bed until almost four today. I guess I needed the rest. Currently it’s midnight. I’ve only been awake for eight hours, but I’m wiped out. I’m really trying to be patient with my body.

This morning some friends brought my mom home from the hospital, where she stayed last night with my dad. This afternoon I took her back to the hospital, and I stayed for several hours and ran a couple errands for my parents. Dad is stable. From what I understand, the current goal is to drain as much fluid off of him as possible, anywhere from thirty to fifty pounds. (Wow.) The cardiologist would like to run some further tests, but they’re taking it day-by-day, trying to determine what Dad’s heart can handle.

Since Dad’s overweight, the hospital got him an oversized bed. It has a trapeze bar that hangs down over his torso so he can pull himself up or get situated right. This evening Dad told one of the nurses that he and Mom were going to “test out the trapeze tonight.” The nurse laughed, but I rolled my eyes, since I’ve been listening to Dad tell slightly inappropriate jokes to strangers for over thirty years. Later Mom told the nurse, “Marcus is a boundaries person.”

So apparently I’m getting a reputation. I can’t wait to tell my therapist.

All day long I’ve been trying to make sense of last night’s dream. When I think about summer camp, all my thoughts are positive. That being said, when I worked at summer camp, it was during a time in my life when I was my least authentic. So my guess is that my subconscious is trying to communicate that there’s a way to live life and have fun and at the same time be my true self. Like running (for me), this is a challenge, and I think the summer camp in winter thing represents just how challenging the search for authenticity is, since (personally) I hate winter.

The statues most likely represent my past, my un-alive or inauthentic self, so I think it’s good that I was running by them. Likewise, I think it was good that I was wearing the Back to the Future vest. For one thing, the vest is extremely warm, which tells me that there’s a way to make it through even the most difficult winter. Also, I think “back to the future” speaks to the idea that sometimes you have to go back before you can forward, or perhaps it simply means that I’m being prepared for the future and that my past is way over. Like, I can put it in a museum.

My favorite part of the dream is when I told the policeman and the camp counselor to back off, since those characters clearly represent the parts of my personality that require me to follow all the rules and “be perfect.” Apparently I’m finally getting to the point where I’m tired of and done with all that shit. Leave me alone. I’m not hurting anyone. Can’t you see I’m having fun, just being myself over here? And the fact that I was on a rock? Surely that means I’ve reached solid ground. Or that I myself am solid.

The thing in the dream I’ve been most curious about today has been the “F2” label on the vest. My best guess is that it refers to the F2 button on a standard Windows keyboard. The F2 button is the “rename” function, a shortcut for changing a file’s name. This reminds me that I’m allowed to relabel and remake myself, not just with words but from the inside out. Like, I don’t have to spend the rest of my life as a self-demanding perfectionist. I don’t have to put up with someone else’s or even my own harassment. I don’t have to let people walk all over me. Marcus is a boundaries person. Even when life is cold and challenging, I can run toward authenticity. We all can.