It’s ten in the evening, and I’m house sitting for a friend. Periodically their sweet dog comes into the room where I’m glued to my laptop (reading, browsing, downloading, liking), climbs onto the couch with me, and licks my fingers. I mean, she really gives them a good cleaning, gets under my fingernails and everything. How thoughtful. It’s gross and kind of tickles, but I enjoy it. Probably the most affection I’ve had since I don’t know when, and who couldn’t use a little affection in their life?

Or a good hand washing?

I’ve read a number of times that having a dog is good for your health because they introduce new bacteria into your household. That is, they go outside, dig in the dirt, then come back in and spread around all the little critters they’ve picked up. They lick your fingers. My parents’ dog licks my dad’s nose. And whereas it’s like, ick, this is apparently a good thing. From what I understand, bacteria in and on our bodies are responsible for a whole host of beneficial activities, so it’s good to be exposed to a variety of them. Despite most people’s paranoia about “germs.”

So bring on the licking.

Apparently my friend’s dog is too good to pee in her own front yard. Talk about uppity. So the routine is that we go for a walk twice a day, and she pees in OTHER PEOPLE’S front yards. This seems passive aggressive to me, but I’m not getting paid to judge the dog, just to walk the dog. Anyway, despite my bum knee (which really is so much better), I took “the long route” today in order to let my friend’s dog explore a wooded area. This sounds sweet of me, but it wasn’t. I had an ulterior motive. I thought, If the dog craps in the woods, I won’t have to pick it up with a plastic bag. (The crap, not the dog.) So into the woods we went, and I swear to high heaven, that dog spent fifteen minutes eating grass, chasing rabbits, and tinkling on every shrub and patch of mud she could find.

But did she crap? No, no she did not.

I can’t believe I’m talking about this. But seriously, it’s stressful when you take care of other people’s animals. You think, What if something bad happens on my watch? WHAT IF THIS DOG IS CONSTIPATED?! (What then?) So it’s this big relief, um, anytime there’s a big relief. You think, Phew. My work is done here.

Frustrated with the dog’s inability to poop on my command, I led her out of the woods. Two minutes later she stopped on a neighbor’s freshly manicured lawn and did her business. Twice. And whereas I was relieved that she was relieved, I also had to pick it up. (The crap, not the dog.) Fortunately, I’d brought plastic bags (pooper-scoopers) just for this occasion. Good lord. What has the world come to? Human beings are the pinnacle of creation/evolution–we’ve put a man on the moon–and yet we’ve nothing better to do but follow around our little canine friends just waiting for them to take a dump so we can pick it up with these thin little crap sacks? Talk about the royal treatment (for them, not for us). And our four-legged friends aren’t even appreciative. Oh no. They poop in one yard and pee in another, never grateful or even mindful that we’re behind them cleaning up their messes.

Granted, they do lick our fingers.

Lest it sound like I’m bitching (and what would be so wrong with that?), I’d like to be clear–this is part of my current job. Plus, it could be worse–my friend could have a pet horse. Can you imagine taking Mr. Ed for a walk? Hell, I’d need a Glad Bag to clean up the mess.

Now my friend’s dog is asleep, and I’ve been told she’s going to wake me up at six-thirty in the morning to go for another walk. I am not looking forward to this, but again, it’s part of the gig that I’ve agreed to. Plus, I can always take a nap later. I really have no idea what tonight’s blog is “about.” I sort of went on a tangent. That being said, there is this. My friend says they’re a bad dog parent. I guess because their pup still chews on shoes and–I don’t know–won’t crap in their own front yard. Whatever, dogs are dogs. But it does make me think that as humans (the pinnacle of creation/evolution), we often end up leaving messes in other people’s yards, metaphorically speaking, because we haven’t learned to pick up after ourselves.

My therapist says she when she was deep into her own therapeutic work, she didn’t have many friends. (This may still be the case.) But she said that was (and is) okay because she doesn’t have a lot of conflama either. (Conflama is conflict-and-drama, Mom.) In other words, she’s cleaned up her messes (she’s clear that she’s never been a perfect person), and also set boundaries with others (like one of the neighbors today who put a sign in their yard–please keep your dogs off my grass). This has been my experience too. The more I do The Hard Work, the less conflama I have in my life. Looking back, I see that so much of my suffering (anxiety, stress, nervousness, tension, strife) was, well, optional. Now when I see friends and family putting up with people who take advantage of them I think, You know you don’t have to do that. But no one could have convinced me of this truth before I was ready to live it, so I try to keep my mouth shut, pick up my own crap, and not worry about anyone else’s.