The Bright Side (Blog #515)

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Currently it’s 8:00 PM (central standard time), and I’m sitting at a Chili’s restaurant in the St. Louis airport. So far my travels home from Washington, DC, have gone smooth as silk. Nothing like the ones getting there. Rather, everything and everyone has run “one time.” No delays, no hangups. What’s more, after a full weekend of dancing and consequential exhaustion, I got to sleep in late this morning and do some sightseeing, since my flight didn’t leave until 6:55 this evening (eastern standard time). So it’s been a good day.

I should probably clarify my comment about sightseeing. I did NOT go to the Smithsonian or tour the monuments, although I did leave my hotel this afternoon and glanced the Jefferson and Washington monuments from my Uber. I DID, however, go to three bookstores. Lame? Maybe for some. Exciting? Definitely for me. I love a good bookstore. Plus, I discovered a super-cool antique-doorknob shop. I know, I know–you’re probably thinking, This man needs to get laid. And whereas you’d be right, I swear the doorknob store was more thrilling than it sounds. They even had some sweet gargoyle lamps!

The first bookstore I went to was just off Dupont Circle, which is basically set up like a hub or wagon wheel. Ten streets pour into a roundabout which is made up of two circles–the outer circle being for cars or pedestrians, the inner circle for pedestrians only. (Inside that area is a small park.) Well, my Uber driver dropped me off on the correct street, but the WRONG side of the circle. Of course, it wasn’t a problem to walk–I could use more walking in my life–but I had to figure a plan first, since I started to walk around the outer circle but realized that would take too long. Finally I figured it out–Make a straight line. Go to The Center first. Then you can easily find your way to wherever you want to go.

Go to The Center first.

I get so twitterpated about books. I honestly think of looking for them like an adventure. Today while walking to the second store, I ended up one street off, right by a hotel. So rather than walk AROUND the entire block, I cut through the hotel lobby. Well–I tried to at least, since the lobby didn’t open to the other side. But always determined, I nosed my way into an empty conference room and spied a door that said EXIT. At this point, the theme song to Mission Impossible started playing in my head. Slipping through the door, I immediately ran into two delivery men, but I just acted as if I was supposed to be there, on the back loading dock. Quickly, I jumped off the dock and found myself on my desired street, the one with the bookstore. Mission accomplished!

Despite my cloak-and-dagger tales in book hunting, I only bought one book from the three stores I visited. It was eight dollars. I spent more in Uber fares than I did on the book. And whereas part of me considered it all a waste for “just” one book, I had a good time. And when I went back to the hotel (where I’d stashed my bags at the front desk) and drank two beers along with lunch? I thought, Hell, I’m having a GREAT time.

But really–I don’t think the day could have gone better.

Now it’s 9:30, and I just boarded the plane for Tulsa. We’ll take off soon, so I’m rushing. Despite my wonderful day and fabulous weekend, I don’t want to be up blogging late tonight. I’m already ready to crash. But before I wrap up, here’s something–

Well, wait. I had to close my laptop for the flight, which–I guess–went well except for the fact that my bag came back damaged. Shit. One of the handles got ripped off, and the side is torn. So that sucks. But, I talked to an airline agent, and she gave me a travel voucher for $75, which I believe is what I paid for the bag. So thanks to this trip and the airline’s multiple mishaps, I now have $275 in airline dollars to spend. Whoopie.

Anyway, back to the thing I was going to tell you. Last night, about two in the morning, I asked a girl, a stranger who had glitter on her face, to dance. Then after she said yes, I told her I liked her glitter makeup. Her face lit up. “Do you want some?” she said.

I paused.

“Yes. Yes I do!”

Well, the next thing I knew, the girl (who said she was from France) started digging through her purse and covering my face and “little beard” in green glitter that EXACTLY MATCHED my shirt. Talk about fun. Even before we danced, we had this beautiful moment of kindness and creativity. An unexpected surprise. A lightening up.

Oh–by the way–I’m at my aunt’s house now, in Tulsa. It’s one in the morning. I truly am tired, and part of me is so frustrated with this trip. It really was a chore getting to DC and–honestly–exhausting to be there, despite all the fun and wonderful dances and conversations I had. I guess my body just needs a break. Ugh. Things were going so well today, and then the bag thing happened. I mean, I liked that bag. It was a gift from a friend when I announced that I was moving to Austin. And I know–I haven’t moved yet. But still, the bag matched my others. That’s important for homosexuals–matching glitter, matching bags. Okay. I’m letting it go. I’m choosing to look on the bright side. Yes, this too is an unexpected surprise. I have less baggage now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Along the way you’ll find yourself, and that’s the main thing, the only thing there really is to find.

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On Sinus Infections and Self-Acceptance (Blog #514)

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Today has been another full day at the International Lindy Hop Championships, and it’s absolutely flown by. Of course, I did sleep in until noon–my first meal of the day was lunch–so that may be some of it. In terms of my physical body, part of my neck and back are in periodic spasms, but otherwise I’m making it. My energy level is–all things considered–solid. What’s more, it occurs to me that I haven’t had a full-blown or even a mild sinus infection in six months. This is a big deal, considering I had one that lasted the entire three-months before that, and I’ve historically gotten one every eight to twelve weeks.

Hum. I really wasn’t intending this to be a health report. I guess I’m just thinking about these things because I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gotten sick (with a sinus infection) while I’ve been traveling, especially to dance weekends. I’m assuming this happened because whenever I’m away my schedule is off and I’m usually worn out. You know, lowered immunity and what-not. All that being said, I’m grateful that at least the sinus-infection part of my personal health equation seems to be improving.

Let’s hear it for progress.

But back what went on today. This afternoon the event held the finals for several of the major competitions. Talk about some great dancing! And y’all, the coolest thing. They have a juniors division here, and the kids that were in it were the cutest things you’d ever want to see in your life. They killed it. There was even one kid who performed a solo routine, and he had more energy and pure heart for this dance than I’ve seen maybe ever. When he finished dancing, the entire room gave him a standing ovation, and dozens of people threw their shoes on the floor, which I’d never seen people do until now and is apparently a sign of respect.

This evening I went out to eat with a few friends. Y’all, we ate at a place called Jaleo, and the food was ridiculously good and so well-presented. That being said, I’m not exactly sure what KIND of food it was. Like, my first course was a cold tomato soup, then I had stuffed peppers, then an amazing spinach salad, and then some type of grilled chicken. All of this was followed by three different types of ice cream. So amazing.

Here’s a picture of the stuffed peppers.

Now it’s about midnight, and the event is winding down. They did the awards ceremony earlier. The band should be almost finished. Whenever they are, there will be a party with soul music. However, by three o’clock, it will all be over. I guess part of me is a bit sad. That tends to happen at events–it’s like I want more time to meet people, talk to people, dance with people. But earlier one of my new friends said, “God places you where you need to be,” so I’m trusting that whatever interactions I’ve had this weekend are the ones I’ve needed to have. And that feels better than thinking, Things didn’t go as well as they could have. I could have–should have–done more.

I really have been noticing improvement in this department. I don’t beat myself and life up as much. What happens, happens–and I’m more and more okay with that. I have to be. I’m tired of everything being wrong or not good enough. I’m worn out with comparing myself to everyone who dances or looks better or even different than I do. I’m exhausted with not being comfortable in my own skin. So that’s something, the fact that there’s more self-acceptance here. Yes, it feels right, like finally finding the rhythm or clapping on the beat.

Let’s hear it for progress.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Since one life touches another, we can never really say how far our influence goes. Truly, our story goes on and on in both directions. Truly, we are infinite.

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Write, Dream, Speak (Blog #513)

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Last night I danced until three-thirty in the morning and passed out about four. Then I slept like shit and woke up with a headache about nine-thirty. There’s a nerve in my neck that’s been pinched for several days now, and it was “talking” to me as soon as I crawled out of bed. So that wasn’t fun. (It’s still not fun.) Anyway, I cleaned up, got dressed, and went in search of the breakfast buffet. And whereas I felt like a zombie, another dancer who saw me said, “Good job–you look awake!”

“Smoke and mirrors,” I said. “Smoke and mirrors.”

Somehow, even though I’m not technically working or heavily participating in the swing-dance event this weekend, it’s been a busy day. This morning I was invited to participate in a brainstorming meeting, and that turned into a couple other mini-meetings that happened this afternoon and evening. When those things weren’t happening, I watched the competitions. Y’all, it really is badass here. Not only does this event boast some of the best swing and social dancers on the planet, it also boasts a ton of newbie and intermediate dancers who have unmatched passion and creativity. You should see the looks on their faces. As one person who’s here for the first time said, “This room is pure joy.”

This evening my dear friend Randy, who lives nearby-ish and went to college with my dad, drove to the hotel where I’m staying to take me out to dinner. Talk about a good guy. He even waited patiently for thirty minutes while I participated in a meeting that ran over. And whereas we didn’t have a plan for where to go, we ended up at a lovely Italian restaurant that was delightful from start to finish and had one of THE BEST chocolate cakes I have ever put in my mouth. As Randy said, “It was worth the price of admission.”

I mean, it was covered in hazelnut cream sauce.

Back at the hotel after dinner with Randy, first I watched a couple competitions, then I danced, then I grabbed a beer with a friend, then I danced some more, then I went to a late-night breakfast. (Thankfully dancing burns a ton of calories, since God knows I’m doing plenty of eating lately.) Then for over two hours I chatted with the people at my table–mostly about the event. I’ll spare you the details, but I will say this–I LOVE being around people who see possibility and aren’t afraid to dream and aren’t afraid to work to make their dreams come true.

Now it’s three-thirty in the morning, and I can’t rub two thoughts together. My brain is shutting down. At the same time, my body wants to be dancing. All that to say that although I normally adore this blog, it feels like an inconvenience in this moment. Like, I’ve had a FULL day without it, and now you (whoever you are) want me to cram it in last thing and still say something intelligible? I mean, it’s asking a lot. And yes, I know that I’M the one who’s asking it.

Today during one of the meetings, someone said, “Marcus, you haven’t said anything this entire time.” So I said, “Well, I’m mostly taking it all in,” but then I gave some thoughts. And I’ll be damned if my voice wasn’t shaking the entire time, I guess because I was around a lot of people I don’t know very well and I’m–uh–the new kid on the block. Still, I spoke and shared what was true for me. And whereas I sometimes devalue what I have to say, people listened. Not like it was gospel, but like it was helpful. And that’s what this blog has taught me. Write–even if you’re tired, even if it’s not your best, even if you think it quite frankly sucks. Write anyway. Dream–even if you don’t know if or how your dreams will come true. Speak–even if your voice quivers.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Of all the broken things in your life, you’re not one of them–and you never have been.

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On Fermentation (Blog #512)

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Well shit. After waking up at 6:15 this morning and rushing to and through the St. Louis airport just to sit on the tarmac (again!) for over an hour (due to lightning), I finally made it to Washington, DC, this afternoon. The good news–my luggage made it too. In fact, it was one of the first onto the conveyor belt. The bad news–almost everything inside was wet. I guess they left my bag outside while it was raining. Oh well. I took a complimentary (hotel-sponsored) shuttle to the hotel where I’m staying, got checked into my room, and laid my clothes out to dry.

When I told one of my friends about my problems yesterday and today, she said, “The flight home will be better.”

Let’s hope she’s right.

I’m here in the nation’s capital for the International Lindy Hop Championships, one of the largest and well-known swing-dancing competition events in the world. This is my first time here, my maiden voyage, and I’ve come mostly to observe. And despite the fact that I’m not competing or taking classes, normally I’m intimidated in new dancing situations. But today I’ve felt at home–comfortable in my own body and heart. What’s more, I’ve seen some friendly faces–people who know my name and seem to like me. So that helps.

The weekend here is jam-packed with things to see and do. I’m not sure what’s going on now, but I do know that dinner starts before long, so that’s my priority. Well, after I take a shower and brush my teeth. Since I was stuck in St. Louis last night while my luggage was stuck in Tulsa, I haven’t used an honest-to-god toothbrush in over thirty-six hours. Granted, I did scrub my teeth with my finger and a bar of hotel soap (that tasted ever so slightly like lemon), but that’s wasn’t the same thing. Also, I know washing my mouth out with soap sounds gross, but it was my best option at the moment and wasn’t as bad as you might think. Try it for yourself sometime.

Just don’t swallow!

Currently my brain is mush. I could really use a nap. That being said, I can’t stop thinking about fermentation. Odd, I know, but I finished reading my book about alchemy on the plane today, and fermentation is one of the seven phases of what alchemists call The Great Work. And not that they have to happen in a certain order, but fermentation is step number five and is basically the step in The Great Work (or self-work or spiritual work) in which “the hard part” has been done and now you simply wait as everything in your life putrifies, breaks down, and rots. It’s not pretty or fun, but that’s why St. John of the Cross referred to this stage as The Dark Night of the Soul.

Of the seven stages, this is the one I currently identify with the most, as it’s the one in which you feel as if nothing in your life is working–because nothing in your life is; it’s not supposed to. Rather, by design, all the things you once held dear–including your values, relationships, and precious opinions–are intended to break down and fail you so that YOU can be transformed. The books advice? Wait. Do nothing. Don’t try (because you’ll fail). Try resting for a change.

This advice is frustrating for a do-er like me, of course, but what I love about this alchemical way of looking at the world is that it reminds me that you can’t force The Process. Sometimes the best you can do–the most appropriate thing you can do–is wait. Be still. What’s more, I’m reminded that just as suddenly as problems and frustrations can show up in our lives, they can disappear. At SOME point, the fermentation process does end, and a new, transformed life emerges.

At–some–point.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Getting comfortable in your own skin takes time.

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