On False Emergencies (Blog #827)

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Last night I hung out with several friends for the Fourth of July. I snapped the above picture of me, my friend Kate, and her son at the party–because all three of us had holiday-inspired shirts on. (No one else did. Lame.) Mine said, “Tastes Like Freedom,” Kate’s said, “Firewerks,” and Kate’s son’s said, “I’m here for the hot dogs.” (Me too, kid, me too.) Anyway, we had a blast (get it, a blast?), but I didn’t get home and crawl in bed until after midnight. And whereas going to bed late isn’t unusual for me, since I also had to get up early this morning to go out-of-town for a wedding, I’ve been dragging ass all day.

The dragging ass part may have to do with my sinuses. Last Sunday I woke up with an infection but ended up kicking it in the butt earlier this week thanks to my adventures in probiotics (that is, sniffing probiotics up my nose). Really, I felt so much better mid-week. Still, I may not have completely turned the corner, since my energy has been low today and I’ve been a little snotty. I’m trying not to worry about it. Things could be worse, I keep telling myself. It’s not the end of the world. Nonetheless, since I don’t travel with my (refrigerated) probiotics, I hit the health food stores this afternoon to buy more supplies. Just to be safe.

We’ll see what happens. Only time will tell.

Other than the probiotics run, I’ve spent most of my out-of-town day going to bookstores. Believe it or not, I only bought one book–about gargoyles. I started to pick up a couple others, but searched the internet and found out I could read them for free through an online library I’m a member of. This is one way I’ve learned to save both money, physical space (in my room), and time (dusting)–using libraries. What a miracle! That being said, I’m currently maxed out the number of books I can check out online, and there’s all this pressure for me to read my butt off this next week so I can return the books completely read. This pressure, of course, is self-induced and what I call a False Emergency. Because the truth is nobody gives a damn if I read those books or not. The earth will keep spinning no matter what I do.

Speaking of False Emergencies, let’s talk about the couple who’s getting married tomorrow. They’re the ones who have been taking dance from me for a while, learning a routine. This evening we met for their final lesson before tomorrow’s performance. And whereas they got all parts of the routine “down,” they didn’t get them all down at at once (in one run-through). Granted, they’ve come a LONG way since they started a few months ago, and they look good. But, like I told them tonight, routines are inherently a funny thing–sometimes you nail them and sometimes you screw them up. Who’s to say what’s going to happen tomorrow? Anyway, that’s my point–I could worry about it, they could worry about it–but regardless, whatever will be, will be.

So don’t worry, be happy right here, right now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Give yourself a break.

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Life Is a Contact Sport (Blog #611)

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Well shit. About an hour ago my friend Matt and I performed the dance routine we’ve been practicing the last two weeks. And whereas it WAS going REALLY WELL, when I jumped over his head I twisted my left knee when I landed and ended up hobbling like a freshly born foal through the rest of the number. Yowza. Now I’m leaning against a wall in the back of the room, my knee encased in compression bandages and ice packs. Friends have been coming by to check on me. As this is my first time injuring my knee in all my years of dancing, several of them have pointed out, “You’re not as young as you used to be.”

I mean, they didn’t have to go and bring my age into this.

It’s funny, and by that I mean it’s not funny, that Matt and I have been working on jumps and tricks for the last two weeks without any MAJOR problems. Then this happened during a jump that I’ve done a hundred times before. I don’t know–I must have favored my left side as I landed. It all happened so fast. Thankfully, I’m not sitting here writhing in agony. Mostly I’m emotional, frustrated. This last year has been SUCH A BITCH, one sickness or disappointment after another, so this is just ONE MORE THING. And for the record, I’m done. Whoever’s listening up there, I’ve had enough.

This is me crying uncle. (You win.)

(Note: About this point in the blog, I left the dance studio and drove home, where I am now. Don’t worry–I used my right leg to drive.)

To be clear, I’m not in pain currently. I wasn’t even in pain when I injured myself and during the last part of the routine, which I had to hop my way through. Granted, if I rotate my leg a certain way, something feels “off,” but it’s not this shooting, awful thing. The worse part is that I can’t stand on it.

Immediately following The Great Knee Screwup of 2018, I sat on the floor and scooted my way to the wall. Then Matt got a compression bandage out of my car, and a nurse who was at the event wrapped my leg with it, and my friend the studio owner gave me ice packs to put around it. (Apparently I’m not the first dancer this has happened to, as her freezer was FILLED with ice packs.) Then another dancer, who was wearing a brace on their knee, came over to talk to me about care and “what possibly happened.” Later I called a friend who’s an orthopedic surgeon, and he said, “Come by my office on Monday.” When I thank his wife for taking my call so late, she said, “You’re like family.” Later another dancer friend came over and sat on the floor with me for nearly an hour so I wouldn’t be alone. Then a guy I barely knew came over to give me a hug, and another guy I just met tonight let me lean on him while I hobbled to my car.

My point being, in the midst of a less-than-ideal situation, I was well cared for. Fawned over, really. Plus, I’ve already had multiple offers from friends for me to borrow their crutches starting tomorrow. One friend said, “I have TWO PAIRS you can choose from.” Then they added, “I’m a total klutz.” So that’s huge, knowing that I’m not alone in this incident, either specifically or generally. You know, because sometimes it can feel like the universe is picking on you personally. But the truth is, I’m not the only one whose body or soul is or has been overwhelmed. One dancer tonight said, “This is a contact sport,” and I think it would be just as true to say that LIFE is a contact sport. In other words, it really doesn’t matter how old you are or whatever you want to blame it on–and it’s certainly tempting for me to blame myself, blame my shoes, or blame the floor–but no one gets through this thing without their fair share of challenges.

And yes, I hate that, but I didn’t make the rules down here.

Matt said someone sent him a video of our routine, and that–with one notable exception he described as “like a sports injury you’d see on television”–it really looks great, even the part after the injury. He said, “I don’t know how you kept going.” (My answer: “Adrenaline.”) Honestly, I’m afraid to watch the video. Despite the fact that I was there and lived through it, I’m not sure I can bring myself to SEE my leg contort and bend in ways God never intended it to. Feeling it was bad enough. But alas, I probably will watch the video before I see the doctor on Monday, since it might give us a clue as to what exactly happened.

Ugh. There’s a lot that I don’t like about this situation. I hate that I’m propped up in my mom’s recliner and that my knee is throbbing. I hate that the routine we worked so hard on wasn’t “perfect,” I hate that it’s going to take me five minutes to get to the bathroom when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee, and I hate that my list of trials and tribulations from this last year keeps getting longer and longer. Honestly, I’m trying not to bitch, I’m just tired of “being strong” and saying, “It’ll be all right.” I’m worn out. On the inside. Also, I’m scared that my injured knee will become “a thing,” like that I’ll be afraid to use it for the rest of my life and that I’ll end up walking around like Quasimodo in order to avoid hurting it again. I realize that’s a dramatic image, but this is a big deal for me. First, I use my legs to make a living. Second, I want so badly for my body and me to trust each other. Because fundamentally I think we’re on the same side, and I really have been trying to listen to it lately. And then this.

Phew.

It’s been a long day. Now it’s two in the morning, and I should get some rest. In this moment, that’s all I can do–rest, ice, compression, and elevate (RICE). Sure, I’m worried about what will happen next, but that doesn’t make THIS MOMENT better. So in this moment, I’m choosing to be grateful for the goodness that’s manifested itself all around me this evening, take a deep breath, and take all of this one day–one moment–at a time.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All emotions are useful.

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On Dance Rehearsal (Blog #610)

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It’s two in the morning, and I’m in Springfield, Missouri. After spending the morning packing and getting ready, I drove here this afternoon to practice with my friend Matt for our upcoming dance routine. Matt and I met at the ballroom where he teaches–The Savoy–about five and worked for a couple hours, mostly on our lifts and jumps, as well as one move that I told Matt I would practice this last week but didn’t. (As our performance is tomorrow, I think I’m just going to end up faking it. It’ll be fine, I promise, I’m a professional.) Anyway, then we went out with our friends Anne and Andy for sushi followed by frozen custard. Then we all came back to the ballroom, where Matt and I worked some more.

Y’all, sushi and frozen custard are not the thing to eat before dancing.

Considering the fact that Matt and I just started this routine two weeks ago and have only rehearsed two other times before today, things are coming along well. That being said, we ended up cutting one of our lifts tonight because not only did we think the move didn’t look good enough, but we also kept hurting each other trying to do the damn thing better. Oh well–we replaced it with something less challenging but just as fun, a trick I can practically do in my sleep. And whereas my inner perfectionist wishes we could have nailed that first move, I’m reminding myself that we’re doing this whole thing FOR FUN and NOT for perfection.

Here’s a picture of ANOTHER move we’ve been working on.

Sometime after midnight, Matt and I called it quits. Our bodies pretty much insisted on it. “Stop,” the said. “We’ve had enough. Just who do you think you are, anyway–Superman?” But then instead of going to bed, we decided to run to Walmart to buy undershirts for our costumes so our routine shirts don’t end up with giant sweat stains on them. The only problem was that we left the ballroom DURING a tornado warning. Y’all, this is why men die before women–we do stupid things like running errands in the middle of a thunderstorm. Anyway, we were fine, seriously. (To quote Matt, “I didn’t see a tornado anywhere.”) However, we did get soaked running from our car into Walmart. And get this shit. The manager, who was standing at the front door with two cops when we ran up, told us that the store was closed until the tornado warning was over. “You’re welcome to wait here in our shelter for the next thirty minutes,” he said.

“Do you want to wait here?” Matt said.

Picturing myself locked in a backroom with a bunch of strangers for half an hour, I said, “NO I DON’T WANT TO WAIT HERE!”

So back we ran to our car, then back we drove to the ballroom, which is where I am now (without an undershirt, I might add). Hopefully I can get some rest, then tomorrow Matt and I can go back to Walmart, run through our routine a few final times here at the ballroom, then perform it tomorrow night (back in Arkansas). I’ll let you know how it goes.

Now all I can think about is how everything hurts and how badly I want to go to bed.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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One day a change will come.

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On Creating New Things (Blog #598)

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Last night’s dance in Fayetteville was fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. First, I had so many wonderful dances. Second, I saw and got to catch up with an old friend from high school. Third, I met some darling new people. One lady, a fellow dance instructor–hands down–made my entire night. We got into a delightful conversation. “I’m monopolizing your time,” she said. “I’m enjoying it,” I replied. Lastly, when the dance was over, my friend Matt and I went out to eat, and it’s always good to catch up with a friend.

I didn’t get home until 2:30 in the morning.

Almost like I have a life.

This afternoon Matt drove down to Fort Smith, and he and I met at our friend Bonnie’s house to work on dance stuff. We’re performing a routine together in less than two weeks, and we’re just getting started on it. (As the saying goes, there’s nothing like a hanging to focus one’s attention.) So for over six hours today we wracked our brains and bodies while choreographing and rehearsing. Meanwhile, Bonnie and her husband Todd were kind enough to make sure we stayed nourished–Todd made soup AND pumpkin pie. Matt and I each had three pieces. Talk about having a life. This is the kind of life you want to have.

I don’t remember the last time I put together a dance routine. Within the last year I participated in a group number that Matt choreographed for his troupe in Springfield, but it’s been ages since I’ve been part of something from start to finish. Creation to completion. Creation–that’s something Bonnie brought up tonight. “It’s fun to create new things,” she said. And to think that’s what Matt and I did all day.

Created a dance routine, created memories, created soreness in our hips.

Matt and I used plenty of familiar patterns today, but there’s something about figuring out WHERE to use them, making sure they fit the music just so. That’s creating too, like an author finding the right place for the right word. I love this sort of thing. Plus, Matt and I started working on a couple new aerials and polishing up some old ones. This is often a good way to injure yourself; tomorrow we might not be able to get out of bed. But this is also really fun–a challenge!–a fantastic way to push ourselves and improve.

Let’s hear it for challenges.

Here’s a slow-motion video Bonnie took of us doing a traditional frog jump with a “ninja kick” styling. It’s the same move we’re doing in tonight’s featured photo.

Now it’s nearly one in the morning, and I’m done for the day. Done, done, done. At least my body is. My mind is still racing, thinking of what all needs to be done, practiced, and perfected before our performance. But I also need to get to bed. I’ve got to be up early in the morning, and–ugh–I’m not looking forward to it. But this is Thanksgiving week, so I’m focusing on the goodness of last night’s and today’s events, the delightful company of my friends (one of whom I’m getting up early for tomorrow), creating new things, challenges, and–hum, what else?–Tylenol and Ibuprofen.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Stop buying your own bullshit.

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