Our Lives and Coffee Cups (Blog #957)

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Something I’ve been thinking about lately is the idea that we don’t really know what anything is for. Take a coffee cup, for example. More people would say it’s for drinking coffee, but I’ve used coffee cups for drinking tea and water. I’ve used coffee cups for decoration. Once I used a coffee cup as inspiration for a short story. Tonight I used one for holding my phone up so I could take a selfie. See? A coffee cup has multiple uses. I imagine you could use one for almost anything. Like–I don’t know–catching a cricket on carpet.

But not on tile. Unless, of course, your coffee cup is made plastic.

The reason I’m going into all this is because so often I think I know what something is for–or rather, I know what I want something to be for–and then am disappointed when it turns out it’s not for that thing at all. Years ago I used to host an annual swing dance event, and I thought it was for spreading the joy of Lindy Hop and (I always crossed my fingers) making money. And whereas it may have been for the first of these reasons, it certainly wasn’t for the second. Silly me. One thing it may have been for, however, was bringing people together. For example, I know a couple who met for the first time at one of my events. As I was fretting about paying the bills, they were flirting. Now they’re married and have children.

I remember when the idea for that event was first suggested to me by another dance instructor. I thought, Sure, why not? What the hell? That sounds like fun. For the next three months I and several other people planned and plotted, worked our little butts off. Just so this couple could meet and start a family? Of course not. Coffee cups have multiple uses. In addition to being a flirting station, the event also spread the joy of dance, and on a personal note, allowed me to meet another couple who later became loyal students, dear friends, and mentors of sorts. But was that first couple having a place to meet part of the reason the whole affair needed to happen? I like to think so. I think to think everything is connected.

Along these lines of connection, I think a lot about the most important people in my life and how–in more than one circumstance–I met them through other people I no longer talk to, people I’ve fallen out with. My point being that no matter what my individual disagreements have been with these “introducers,” I can’t very well make the case that they are unimportant in my life or haven’t been “for” anything when obviously they have been. (To be clear, I don’t think anyone else’s life is just about me and my experiences with them.) If I hadn’t had my swing dance event, who’s to say whether or not those two lovers would have met? If my ex-friend hadn’t introduced me to my other friend who changed my life for the better, who’s to say whether or not my life would have been changed?

Our natural tendency, of course, is to make everything about us. Yesterday I worked backstage for the national tour of The Color Purple and noticed I had all these fantasies going into it–about being praised for my good work, about being noticed (and proposed to) by any number of the hot guys who were there, about–somehow–the whole thing launching the rest of my life. (For a temp job, it’s a lot to ask, I know.) But we do this all the time. At least I do. I think, This could happen, and then this could happen. And it could. But when I consider every life-altering or even mildly pleasant experience I’ve ever had, I see now there’s no way I could have planned any of it. I’m not that smart. Not because I’m not smart, but because even the simplest of interactions has too many moving parts for me control.

Take yesterday, for example. Although I didn’t get proposed to, it was a truly fabulous day. I met and was blessed by so many kind people. Plus, the show itself was glorious, and it was good to have a small role in presenting it to my hometown. (What if THAT was part of why I was there, so someone in the audience–a total stranger–could have a good experience?) But I digress. Back to the idea of life having too many moving parts for me to control, just consider what all had to happen in order for me and all the kind people I met yesterday to be there at the same time, together. I know the relationships and opportunities that got me there started over a decade ago. A decade! Of course, if you’d asked me back then if my meeting so-and-so was about me working at a musical and having something to blog about ten years later, I would have thought you were smoking crack. But who’s to say it wasn’t?

Everything is connected.

More and more my advice to myself and others is to stop assuming that we know what anything was for, is for, or shall be for. We’ve all seen It’s a Wonderful Life, right? Isn’t it possible that your very presence on this earth (at your crummy job, in your dusty living room, on your blog) is currently having a positive effect on someone else? Is that so hard to believe? And so what if they never let you know? Yesterday I made a point to tell someone I met how they brightened my day, but with someone else who also made me laugh and feel appreciated, I didn’t. And yet the fact remains. Our paths crossed; we were changed. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. Only time will tell. Our lives and coffee cups are great mysteries.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you want to become who you were meant to be, it's absolutely necessary to shed your old skin. Sure it might be sad to say goodbye--to your old phone, to your old beliefs, anything that helped get you this far--but you've got to let go in order to make room for something new.

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On Which Glasses You Choose to Wear (Blog #559)

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In my parents’ living room is a large leather recliner. It’s gorgeous, comfortable. One could really get lost in it. That being said, I’ve only once spent any significant amount of time in this recliner–when I was recovering from my sinus surgery–because my mom LIVES in this recliner. Simply put, it’s hers, and my dad and I make a lot of jokes about the fact that we rarely get to use it. Anyway, this morning while I was eating breakfast, Mom said that she’s been getting cold recently and explained, “When you sit in the recliner, it’s right under the air vent.”

So I said, “Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

And then my mom, who reads my blog every day, used my own material against me. She said, “Is that what you call being passive aggressive?”

I was stunned.

“Yes,” I said. Then I added–“It’s an option.”

This afternoon I saw my therapist, and we mostly processed my time working backstage for the national tour of The Wizard of Oz. It was a good experience, of course, but it was also A LOT of information (my therapist called it a “data dump”), considering the fact that I was new to much of what was going on and also new to working with so many people and having “a boss.” Not completely new, of course, but it’s been a while since I’ve worked with a such large group or for someone else–like twenty years.

As I’ve discussed here before, I told my therapist that in new situations I often think of myself as invisible or “not worthy of being noticed,” and it’s therefore shocking when people DO notice me (which they did this last week). She said this belief was “just irritating” and needed to go.

Toward the end of our session, we talked about money. This is a topic my therapist appears to be quite comfortable with, and one I’m trying to get comfortable with. My therapist says the more we talk about money, the more my brain will begin to think, This shit’s all right. Today she said I should pick an amount of money I’d like to make a day that’s not “outrageous” but the thought of which is “just enough to make you nervous.” So I did. Now my job is to simply “will it into existence.” And whereas I understand that this sounds like a bunch of new-age bullshit, my therapist says that if I pair my current work ethic with positive self-talk, the universe will respond favorably.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

I told my therapist that one of the over-arching beliefs I’ve held for–well–decades is that “maybe it’ll work for everyone else, but it won’t work for me.” Super optimistic, I know. Anyway, I’ve applied this thinking to my relationships, my health, and my finances. This is the way beliefs work–they don’t just affect one area of your life; they affect everything. Much like tinted spectacles, beliefs are the filter through which we see the world. Like, if you don’t believe in abundance, you’ll never see it. Even if you have a hundred dollars–or even a million dollars–in your pocket, you’ll think, It’s not enough.

Currently I’m sitting in a library surrounded by THOUSANDS of books and ENDLESS potential knowledge. Now, I could focus on the fact that I don’t have enough time to read all these books or the fact that there are a lot of other books I’m interested in that aren’t in this library. (Talk about lack!) Or I could focus on the fact that I have access to ALL THIS INFORMATION–basically–for free. (Talk about abundance!) The way I see it, just like being direct and being passive aggressive are OPTIONS in conversation, seeing lack and seeing abundance are OPTIONS in perspective. Yes, an objective reality exists–there are a certain number of books here. But a subjective reality also exists, and that reality depends solely on your thoughts and your beliefs, on which glasses you–and only you–choose to wear.

Wayne Dyer used to say, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” This is what I’m trying to do–gradually adjust my thinking and beliefs when it comes to my relationships, my health, and my finances. Personally, I’m tired of believing, It’s not enough. For me, it’s lazy–that is, habitual–thinking. Today I told my therapist, “I’m done believing that things work for other people and not me. (As my favorite coffee cup says–Fuck This Shit.) My new thought is–If it can work for someone else, it can work for me.

“THANK YOU!” she said.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We may never be done, but that doesn't mean we'll never be complete. And surely we are complete right here, right now, and surely there is space enough for the full moon, for you and for me, and all our possibilities.

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